Why do I feel the need to be submissive and humiliated?

[LearnerDom]

I've been talking to a potential new sub and she asked these interesting questions

"Why do I feel the need to be submissive and humiliated?"

I tried to explain that she was a classic case.
Very in control and dominant in her everyday life, but when it came to the bedroom she wanted an escape from that responsibility, but I feel this answer was inadequate.

So, good people of Lit.
What are your reasons?

 

[midwestyankee]

Why is there air?

The thing is, even those people who say they like bottoming in their sex life because they make tough decisions all day long at the office might not really know themselves well enough to make that call.

My reason for doing sex the way I do it is because I've discovered that I like it. Need I really ask any deeper?

 

[CBM514]

I've been talking to a potential new sub and she asked these interesting questions

"Why do I feel the need to be submissive and humiliated?"

I tried to explain that she was a classic case.
Very in control and dominant in her everyday life, but when it came to the bedroom she wanted an escape from that responsibility, but I feel this answer was inadequate.

So, good people of Lit.
What are your reasons?

Your answer may not be wrong, it's an opposite feeling and a release they may not otherwise get but I've given up on trying to decide why I like some of the things I like...it could be wiring, it could be growth, it could be change in preference over age and time...it may be related to unmet childhood needs or just because it's fun...either way enjoy what you like and don't feel bad about it!

 

[LearnerDom]

Thank you, yes that was what she said basically, she has discovered she just likes it but just wondered why.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... she has discovered she just likes it but just wondered why.

I don't believe there's one singular answer to that question, just as there's no apparent single answer why some people like running, some like tennis, some like chess...

FME, people are "wired" to like certain things. Strangely, that "wiring" can change over time. As a child, I *loved* cottage cheese - with fruit, without fruit, in salads, etc. Somewhere in adolescence, cottage cheese became anathema to my taste buds and my appetites. Did a stray transistor fall into my brain and change that taste? I dunno. All I know is, cottage cheese is no longer on my shopping list.

I know of submissives and masochists who have changed orientation to dominant and/or sadist, and vice versa, or have found they were happiest as switch, or pyl with some people, PYL with others. Did their wiring change, or did they change it through seeking new experience, or did someone change it for them?

Strangely, though, I have never met someone who strongly self-identified as homo- or bi-sexual from an early age who changed that orientation to heterosexual at a later point, though I have talked to people who self-identified as heterosexual into their teens, twenties and later (even fifties!) who then re-identified as either homo- or bi-sexual... but in almost every case, they admitted they were never really "comfortable" in their hetero identities, and felt they had identified as hetero because it was "expected."

(Note: My sample size for the above paragraph is limited and almost certainly not statistically significant. )

 

[Kim_Burly]

This is a touchy subject for me and I am speaking only for myself here. I have learned to accept my proclivities and enjoy them. When I start to ask myself why, I don't like what I think are the deep-seated answers. I am certainly not any high powered executive or anything like that, so I can't go there. Does it matter? No, and that's all I need to know.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

i like that because i feel high and get a better climax with forced anal with my ex bf.

 

[Kim_Burly]

I don't believe there's one singular answer to that question, just as there's no apparent single answer why some people like running, some like tennis, some like chess...

FME, people are "wired" to like certain things. Strangely, that "wiring" can change over time. As a child, I *loved* cottage cheese - with fruit, without fruit, in salads, etc. Somewhere in adolescence, cottage cheese became anathema to my taste buds and my appetites. Did a stray transistor fall into my brain and change that taste? I dunno. All I know is, cottage cheese is no longer on my shopping list.

I know of submissives and masochists who have changed orientation to dominant and/or sadist, and vice versa, or have found they were happiest as switch, or pyl with some people, PYL with others. Did their wiring change, or did they change it through seeking new experience, or did someone change it for them?

Strangely, though, I have never met someone who strongly self-identified as homo- or bi-sexual from an early age who changed that orientation to heterosexual at a later point, though I have talked to people who self-identified as heterosexual into their teens, twenties and later (even fifties!) who then re-identified as either homo- or bi-sexual... but in almost every case, they admitted they were never really "comfortable" in their hetero identities, and felt they had identified as hetero because it was "expected."

(Note: My sample size for the above paragraph is limited and almost certainly not statistically significant. )

I certainly can't add any wisdom to what you said above, and I am still a newcomer to this field of study. My thought is that given the right circumstances, many people will venture outside their everyday identity. I never thought I could be a sadist, especially one that gets pleasure from causing other women pain, but that's where I am (at times) nowadays. The bi/homosexual thing is a whole other enigma to me.

 

[LallyH]

I tried to explain that she was a classic case.
Very in control and dominant in her everyday life, but when it came to the bedroom she wanted an escape from that responsibility.

On paper, I conform to this scenario - business owner in an aggressive industry. But as I started having profoundly submissive daydreams as a pre-pubescent child, long before any responsibilities needed shouldering, I don't think adult stresses can *cause* someone to need to be or feel submissive.

Like others have said, I believe that it simply an inherent preference, a leaning, which is pleasurable and satisfying to me, and I accept it as that.

I'm actually more interested in what prompted her to ask the question. Worry, fear, doubt, maybe?

 

[MeekMe]

I've learned to not question it. I like being submissive and it's like anything else I'm drawn to. I love pretty lace and makeup. When I was younger I would dress like a boy and try to be as tough as possible (sort of a protective thing) but I was very unhappy and always wanted to wear pretty things and makeup and hair accessories. I now wear all the things I like and dress and act like myself, I'm much happier now.

While not acting on my submissiveness I was very unsatisfied and rather unhappy. The more I explore the submissive side the happier I am. It's just something I like. If I questioned why I like all the things I like then I might go insane.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Having a lot of responsibility can be a stressor that does make you want to be more submissive in other parts of your life but the same stressor can make people want total control in every aspect of life or make them react in other ways.
People react differently to the same stressor because of who they are and the same person can react differently to the same stressor att diferent times in their life depending on other circumstances.
Oversimplifying the cause and effect chains doesn't do anyone any good, in my opinion.

 

[SeduceMyMind]

I used to wonder about this question, especially the being humiliated aspect of it. I gave up and accepted the simple fact, I enjoy it.

 

[skoob1000]

Sounds a lot like me Seduce. I have read enough about it to know that there's no one reason and that it's different for different people. But there's always those times that I wonder and think about why it is for me.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Why do some people like sweet creamy caramel and some people prefer salted caramels? Genetics? Conditioning? A knee wobbling good emotional experience that associates with one or the other? Yay for the rainbow of humans or else we would run out of the one kind we all like and that would be frustrating and sad. "I like it" is as unique as we are. I will also say that I think it is wonderful fun to explore the whys of the whats. I'm a big fan of seeking and claiming understanding.

Truth for me is that when I crave salted caramel, nothin else will scratch that itch.
Nothing even gets close to placating it. I can attempt to rationalize it and disassemble it, or attempt a substitution, but the craving is what it is. It's both good to know what you want and awful to know you will have to find it or wait for it.

Wait, what was I saying? Right, salted caramel. Lots of it. Mmmm.

 

[subwannabe]

Since when do you have to explain to a sub why she wants to be a sub? If she doesn't know, how the hell does she expect you to know?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Since when do you have to explain to a sub why she wants to be a sub? If she doesn't know, how the hell does she expect you to know?

I've been talking to a potential new sub and she asked these interesting questions

"Why do I feel the need to be submissive and humiliated?"

I tried to explain that she was a classic case.
Very in control and dominant in her everyday life, but when it came to the bedroom she wanted an escape from that responsibility, but I feel this answer was inadequate.

So, good people of Lit.
What are your reasons?

I didn't read her question(s) as "why she wants to be a sub," but rather why she feels a need to "be submissive and humiliated," which, if you parse the meanings of the words and phrases (especially the bolded words), are very different things.

 

[CBM514]

I think her question is natural in one progression down this road of exploration...and why not ask one more experienced then herself?

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

I recently heard a gay woman talking about her sexuality. She said that often when people found out her orientation, they asked if she had been raped, abused, etc.

Her answer was perfect. "Nope, I just like pussy!"

I don't know why I am the way I am and I don't have any desire to change.

 

[LearnerDom]

I didn't read her question(s) as "why she wants to be a sub," but rather why she feels a need to "be submissive and humiliated," which, if you parse the meanings of the words and phrases (especially the bolded words), are very different things.

You are indeed correct Sir Winston.
She is merely wondering why she is wired that way.
I told her not to worry about it and assume the position!