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Corbal said:
Mmmmkay. Preface a bit; my female is a human and my male is a vampire. This piece is told from his POV. They've never had sexual relations but have been somewhat forced into the current situation.

Before she could open her mouth and reject I was behind her, spinning her lean frame until she was facing me. “Shhhhhh…” I hushed her, ghosting a fingertip over her plump pink lips, pushing my glare into her own magical gaze.

Her body was tense, the muscles along her spine flexed against my grip as I pulled her closer, wedging myself between her long, muscular thighs and perching her leather clad ass on the top of my desk. “Relax” I whispered to her as I ghosted soft breaths over her lean neck.

Everyone watched, anger and jealousy cut sharply into the small room around us. I would give them a show worthy of desire and insatiable lust.

My lips caressed the flesh of her neck, lingering painfully over her sweet spot, awaiting her gasp of desperation before sinking my fangs deep into her jugular. Rubbing small circles with my thumbs across her spine, she arched into me, spreading her immaculate thighs... she was submitting; hesitantly, but submitting.

Patience with Her was everything.

I licked her warm pink skin, blowing soft air across her flesh and felt a rush of goosebumps spread across her spine, flourishing peaks of small bumps over her shoulders and neck. She pulled in for air, straining for control and I struck precisely, pulling at her wound until crimson wet spilled into my mouth, rushing down my throat, creating the phenomenal magic within me.

Her blood was torturous, haunting me with each delicate pull, pushing me to take more; taunting me with a sweet metallic melody. My hands forced her body closer to mine, meshing our bodies so close, I did not know where she ended and I began. Her soft moans of pleasure echoed in the hollows of my mind and I sank deeper, almost furiously into her neck, searching the pits of my being to find the strength to stop feeding.

Deep growls furrowed in my chest, my body rigid from my feed; a perfect contrast to her soft, curvaceous form. I growled lustfully, her blood was exceptional and it took every ounce of my being to keep from draining her dry. Pulling away from her neck, I relished in the anomaly before me and took in her perfect beauty.

There she lay, labored breaths heaving her breasts forward in service to me. Her body submissive, her hands palm up, open to me, opposite of her heavily hooded eyes. Her body was flush, warm and ready to take me in any way I was willing to give it.
Click to expand...


The final paragraph is excellent. The pace of the phrasing fits perfectly with the rest of the story, but the spectrum of vocabulary and mix of words leads to a good pace. I love the use of the word 'ghost' as a verb. But, you use it twice at the beginning without enough separation. Seeing it the second time distracted me. Additionally, experiment a little in the second half with metaphor to replace one or two of your descriptive adjectives. Don't get me wrong -- the description is key. But, the heavy words made me feel like you cared more about making it definitionally accurate than impactful (this is something i do way too much too). I was craving it most right around 'my hands forced her closer.' I wanted some tactile thing to compare it all to in my head.

Brave endeavor, though. How's it feel -- thinking like a man?
 
NeonSubtlety said:
The final paragraph is excellent. The pace of the phrasing fits perfectly with the rest of the story, but the spectrum of vocabulary and mix of words leads to a good pace. I love the use of the word 'ghost' as a verb. But, you use it twice at the beginning without enough separation. Seeing it the second time distracted me. Additionally, experiment a little in the second half with metaphor to replace one or two of your descriptive adjectives. Don't get me wrong -- the description is key. But, the heavy words made me feel like you cared more about making it definitionally accurate than impactful (this is something i do way too much too). I was craving it most right around 'my hands forced her closer.'

Brave endeavor, though. How's it feel -- thinking like a man?
Click to expand...

I actually feel like I write better as a male character because I'm so cutthroat at times. But sometimes I can write a mean bitch really well, too. I have trouble with not being feminine enough and find myself hard to relate with other female readers.

The adjective usage times 2 was a typo. I am my only set of eyeballs. :( I'll take your other suggestions into consideration. Eventually, this will see an editor.... In 5 years. Lol.
 
oh hush. don't get all sadface. it's good writing. I always learned to be nitpicky and subjective with my critiques. It's nothing more than equal opportunity input.

Either way, I want to keep reading -- mainly because now I'm all curious about the female in the story.
 
NeonSubtlety said:
oh hush. don't get all sadface. it's good writing. I always learned to be nitpicky and subjective with my critiques. It's nothing more than equal opportunity input.

Either way, I want to keep reading -- mainly because now I'm all curious about the female in the story.
Click to expand...

She's awesome. Just ask me. :cool:
 
attempt number 1

Kiss if you wish, then tell of you dare,
But then be prepared for the love that marks
You there, and there, and there,
Never mindless without a care,
A part of you scared, and the other mesmerized.
That glaze over your eyes reveals the truth apart from lies
"Rise, my sweet" , comes the voice that stokes your fire..
Before the crop tastes your flesh,
And the deliciousness of your desire.
 
Pervy_Sage said:
Kiss if you wish, then tell of you dare,
But then be prepared for the love that marks
You there, and there, and there,
Never mindless without a care,
A part of you scared, and the other mesmerized.
That glaze over your eyes reveals the truth apart from lies
"Rise, my sweet" , comes the voice that stokes your fire..
Before the crop tastes your flesh,
And the deliciousness of your desire.
Click to expand...

got some evil plan to make her a switch?
 
Pervy_Sage said:
Kiss if you wish, then tell of you dare,
But then be prepared for the love that marks
You there, and there, and there,
Never mindless without a care,
A part of you scared, and the other mesmerized.
That glaze over your eyes reveals the truth apart from lies
"Rise, my sweet" , comes the voice that stokes your fire..
Before the crop tastes your flesh,
And the deliciousness of your desire.
Click to expand...

Sounds evil!!!!!!! Lol
 
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