Is there something wrong with me?

[Bette_coquette]

Vanilla sex does nothing for me. I mean, I'm bored, it's predictable, I have no excitement stirring within. I've found that the only sex that really gets my juices flowing is sex involving restraints and some form of punishment. Is this abnormal? Am I odd? Do I need therapy?

Marriage has dulled our sex life. Our roles have changed and I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to put me back on top.

 

[Primalex]

Is this abnormal? Am I odd? Do I need therapy?

a) Yes.
b) Yes.
c) Yes.


Next.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Vanilla sex does nothing for me. I mean, I'm bored, it's predictable, I have no excitement stirring within. I've found that the only sex that really gets my juices flowing is sex involving restraints and some form of punishment. Is this abnormal? Am I odd? Do I need therapy?

Marriage has dulled our sex life. Our roles have changed and I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to put me back on top.

My first reaction is:

noooo, Bette! You were doing so well!

But that's probably me being selfish.

 

[Redkate]

If you read a few of the popular BDSM stories on Lit you'd see you are definitely not alone in your desires.

 

[Vixen96]

Nope - not at all.

I'm sorry you are feeling that way, I can empathise. I hope things work out for you and you find what you desire.

 

[Licia]

Have you told him about your insides?

 

[BigDaddy71231863]

Vanilla sex does nothing for me. I mean, I'm bored, it's predictable, I have no excitement stirring within. I've found that the only sex that really gets my juices flowing is sex involving restraints and some form of punishment. Is this abnormal? Am I odd? Do I need therapy?

Marriage has dulled our sex life. Our roles have changed and I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to put me back on top.

I know just how you feel. I'm bored with damn near anything now that doesn't involve my dominating, controlling, and inflicting some level of pain. Bottom line is feed that hunger you have or you will shrivel up and die, IMHO.

 

[Netzach]

Small steps. Little things. Marriage and settled life dulls everyone's edges a bit, but make time. A hand spanking or a spontaneous moment with a belt does wonders. Putting you back on top is primarily about you and yourself. Take care of yourself.

Bigger issues may underlie. Consider the shrink, not the worst thing.

 

[Sistinas74]

Ahh once the seeds of corruption are planted.....it would be wonderful to reset our minds back to innocence but that just doesn't exist! Marriage doesn't have to be the end of it all when it comes to a spicy sex life, find out what your sig other is up for to liven things up!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

First of all, ignore Primadouche. He's apparently on another round of idiocy and what *he* thinks is humor. I think it's probably time to adjust his meds again.

Vanilla sex does nothing for me. I mean, I'm bored, it's predictable, I have no excitement stirring within. I've found that the only sex that really gets my juices flowing is sex involving restraints and some form of punishment. Is this abnormal? Am I odd? Do I need therapy?

• What's normal/abnormal? What's normal for me is abnormal as *hell* for my brother, and my second wife, but it's normal for my first wife, third wife, and current partner.
• Are you odd? Of course. We all are. If not, we're just a place-holder in life, like the zeros that tell us whether we have $10,000,000 in the bank or $10.00.
• Do you need therapy? Darlin', that's entirely up to you, your hubby, and your HMO

Marriage has dulled our sex life. Our roles have changed and I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to put me back on top.

As Netz said, getting married, settling into that role in our life, all that crap tends to dull one's edges a bit. We have to put our thinking caps on when we realize this, and decide which edges are okay a bit duller than they used to be, since we only use them to slice bologna and spread butter, and which ones we need to be razorsharp to slice away the dangers of ennui and excessive familiarity.

THEN, in order to accomplish "put[ting] me back on top," I'll throw you back into one of our favorite mantras on this side of the BDSM fora: Communicate. CoMmUnIcAtE. COMMUNI-freakin'-CATE! Talk to your hubby, tell him how you feel about the way things are going. Listen to how *he* feels about the way things are going. Work on a solution that works for both of you.

Good luck. It's not easy... but the worthwhile things seldom are.

 

[Bette_coquette]

Thank you one and all. I'm listening and I do know I need to talk to him about this.

 

[anadvocate]

Vanilla sex does nothing for me. I mean, I'm bored, it's predictable, I have no excitement stirring within. I've found that the only sex that really gets my juices flowing is sex involving restraints and some form of punishment. Is this abnormal? Am I odd? Do I need therapy?

Marriage has dulled our sex life. Our roles have changed and I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to put me back on top.

How old are you?

 

[Bette_coquette]

How old are you?

Old enough to have grandchildren.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

How old are you?

What difference does it make?

People can have or develop issues in their relationship whether they're 18 or 88, and at any point between. The important part is that they learn how to reach toward a resolution of those issues.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thank you one and all. I'm listening and I do know I need to talk to him about this.

SW and Netzach give good advice. Communication can change a situation from hopeless to exciting anticipation, and a lot of kicking yourself for letting your mind convince you of the despair before finding out the reality. Talk to him, keep an open mind, listen, then take some time to digest and move forward.

Catalina

 

[Brunne]

In my experience, in a long-term relationship sexuality is an expression of what's going on in the rest of the relationship, and not some isolated thing that ticks along regardless. If you're unsatisfied by the sexual side of your relationship, surely the first thing to question isn't the normality of your sexuality but whether the relationship is healthy?

I've been there, and I've been told I was abnormal, but being in the right relationship has made everything I want 'normal' and 'right' because I'm with the right partner.

If open communication doesn't resolve this, then that might be your answer.

 

[angie19]

Sorry to burst people's bubbles but according to what I've done so far in psychology, if bdsm is ALL you want, and vanilla does nothing to you at all, then that would be considered a paraphilia. Now, there's nothing wrong with that in my opinion, as long as you don't hurt anyone, including yourself.

 

[midwestyankee]

Bette,

From where I sit, it seems likely that there's nothing wrong with you at all (well, apart from that hangnail that's been bugging you since last Tuesday). But there's almost certainly something wrong with your relationship. You've stuck this one out for quite a while so I'm betting that you'd rather fix it than leave it. If I'm right about that, then I'd like to suggest the single best resource on the topic that I know about.

Beg, borrow, or steal a copy of Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. A very good friend recommended this book to me several years ago and it turned out to be a lifesaver.

I'm sure there are lots of fancy academic words out there to describe what you're experiencing. In my view, the word that matters most is this: hurt. You're hurting and it's affecting profoundly important parts of your life. Only you can take the first step to fix the hurt. And maybe once you start you may find that your husband isn't coming along with you. Keep going, keep working on whatever you need to work on. Eventually he'll get it and take up your hand and walk at your side. Together you can fix just about anything.

 

[loquere]

Do it outside? Or in a bathroom. At church probably but now that I said that i'm going to hell!

 

[box13]

Beg, borrow, or steal a copy of Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. A very good friend recommended this book to me several years ago and it turned out to be a lifesaver.

So, just for those of us who might be wondering. What would reading the book do to help her hubby (I assume) release some unexpressed BDSM that might meet her need?

Or am I going the wrong direction with this.

 

[Primalex]

• What's normal/abnormal? What's normal for me is abnormal as *hell* for my brother, and my second wife, but it's normal for my first wife, third wife, and current partner.
• Are you odd? Of course. We all are. If not, we're just a place-holder in life, like the zeros that tell us whether we have $10,000,000 in the bank or $10.00.
• Do you need therapy? Darlin', that's entirely up to you, your hubby, and your HMO

So you write the same answer as I did. Does this mean now that _you_ have problems with your meds?

 

[midwestyankee]

So, just for those of us who might be wondering. What would reading the book do to help her hubby (I assume) release some unexpressed BDSM that might meet her need?

Or am I going the wrong direction with this.

You're going in the wrong direction, but probably because I didn't say much about the book. The book is an examination of how problems in the sex life can be a key to understanding what's going on in the wider relationship. Essentially, what Bette told us is that sex with her husband isn't fulfilling unless they do it under particular circumstances. That could be due to other problems in the relationship, and Passionate Marriage does an excellent job of showing how a couple can work together to discover what's going on that's causing their sex life to be less fulfilling than they'd like.

 

[box13]

...isn't fulfilling unless they do it under particular circumstances. That could be due to other problems in the relationship, and Passionate Marriage does an excellent job of showing how a couple can work together to discover what's going on that's causing their sex life to be less fulfilling than they'd like.

Thanks. Maybe I'll get the book, add it to my stack of reading to do over the summer.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You all are going in the wrong direction. Bette had a domme/sub relationship with the gentleman in the first place.

Then they got married.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

a) Yes.
b) Yes.
c) Yes.


Next.

• What's normal/abnormal? What's normal for me is abnormal as *hell* for my brother, and my second wife, but it's normal for my first wife, third wife, and current partner.
• Are you odd? Of course. We all are. If not, we're just a place-holder in life, like the zeros that tell us whether we have $10,000,000 in the bank or $10.00.
• Do you need therapy? Darlin', that's entirely up to you, your hubby, and your HMO

So you write the same answer as I did. Does this mean now that _you_ have problems with your meds?

Umm, no, qp. I *didn't* "write the same answer as [you] did." Here's a side by side of your answers in comparison to mine. Please note that two of the three are substantially different.

Yes ≠ "Normal" means different things to different people.
Yes = Yes.
Yes ≠ Maybe; it depends on what you and your husband think.