Finding a Dom in a small town?

[Jenneva]

It's a tricky situation...everyone knows everyone around here, and I like to keep my private life private. So how do I figure out if a man is in the lifestyle? I'm a beginning sub who would prefer playing in person.

Is there a secret bracelet I can wear to communicate the need?

any help is appreciated!

~jenneva

 

[MichaelWest]

Well sort of.

The Handkerchief Code developed by the Gay Leathermen has been adopted by some BDSM folks. Generally the submissive wears items on the right. You might adopt this with your jewelry.

You might look for the BDSM Triskelon as jewelry or the classic Story of O ring (copied from the movie commercially available). You could wear chockers and other items to suggest a collar.

All that assumes that a Dominant (to your liking) in your area will reconize and act upon the clues.

Assuming you have no local or nearby Munches to attend, your best bet might be to use the personals section of websites dedicated to fetish lifestyle people such as here, Fetlife, Alt dot com, etc. You will easily get much advice on dating in the fetish scene from others.

Good luck out there!

 

[DVS]

It's a tricky situation...everyone knows everyone around here, and I like to keep my private life private. So how do I figure out if a man is in the lifestyle? I'm a beginning sub who would prefer playing in person.

Is there a secret bracelet I can wear to communicate the need?

any help is appreciated!

~jenneva

You have to watch wearing certain things in a small town. Sure, you might attract the correct guy by doing this, but you also might attract someone who just happens to know those things mean and is also a trouble maker. A trouble maker in a city or large town isn't that difficult to get away from. A trouble maker in a small town is impossible to get away from.

I grew up in a small town of 2,000 people. I got called pervert, weirdo and more until I finally gave up trying to find a kinky girl to spank. As a result, I wasn't that kinky myself during my high school years for fear of being found out. Of course, that was many years ago. Actually, I almost believed that I could be a sexual pervert or a weirdo. This was before the Internet and mass information about everything.

But I don't think the times have changed that much. People don't change. There is always going to be a trouble making personality near by. I'd be cautious about how you go about finding someone kinky in a small town. It might be easier from a woman's point of view, because in my experience, it's usually the man who suggests any sexual acts, early in the dating process. So, it could be just a matter of time before someone suggests something kinky and then you would know. And you could act all innocent about it and let him show you how it's done. Then, afterwards, you can tell him he introduced you to it. That will make him feel good.

Not knowing just how small your town is, some larger towns can have cliques of people who hang out together. There used to be the jocks, the dopers, the nerds, etc. in my day. There were also the freaks, who were more into rock music, sex and drugs. It might be difficult to find out about these cliques, but if you really want to find someone no matter what the risk, that is one route you could try. The people you would want to look for might be wearing some of the items MichaelWest has suggested. Good luck, though. I know it's scary to find someone who is kinky, without being outed in the process.

Edited to add: you might check out Fetlife, like MichaelWest has suggested. Not knowing how small your town is, if you have a larger town close by, Fetlife is a very large web site that has kinky people from all over. You might find someone in your area. Also, like Michael has suggested, if there is a munch group near you, that could be an option. But, both of those are usually just found in larger burgs and the smaller towns only suffer from the dullness of everybody literally knowing everybody. Yes, I've been there. Very little went on in my town that I didn't know about, without even trying. It's just how small towns are. Being different isn't easy.

 

[MichaelWest]

DVS Gives Good Advice

As a member of a just older generation before BDSM seemed to have gotten more mainstream, I can agree with DVS. I grew up mostly in Ohio and saw the same sort DVS warns of.

Back then the DSM from psychology discussed kink as illness and not many ordinary folks would disagree. It is better now, but not always by much. Thus, my suggestion to find like minded folks rather than adopt more than subtle clues that can be passed as fashion choices. For example, I never wear jewelry on my right hand, only the left, but few fellow kinksters recognize that. But I met my wife through a mutal friend in the community.

Dating is a scary game, finding nice perverts only compounds it. Plenty of manipulative, abusive and crazy fools hide in the fetish community just as in everyday life. But some darned nice folks are here too. So once again, good luck in however you choose to pursue what I hope will be the greatest relationship(s) of your life!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

It's a tricky situation...everyone knows everyone around here, and I like to keep my private life private. So how do I figure out if a man is in the lifestyle? I'm a beginning sub who would prefer playing in person.

Is there a secret bracelet I can wear to communicate the need?

any help is appreciated!

~jenneva

You can post a personal ad here on Literotica.

FetLife has a fabulous resource - The Munch and Local Links (MALL) Directory - https://fetlife.com/groups/28108

 

[Jenneva]

Thank you for your responses. I'm getting many references to fetlife, and I'll probably go check them out. today! ((licking my lips))

 

[Jenneva]

I have a question, tho: doesn't wearing a collar suggest you are "taken?" I wouldn't want to convey that.

I like the idea of maybe making some really pretty feminine collars/chokers. I'm crafty that way...

 

[DVS]

I have a question, tho: doesn't wearing a collar suggest you are "taken?" I wouldn't want to convey that.

I like the idea of maybe making some really pretty feminine collars/chokers. I'm crafty that way...

It does to a point, but because collars are also fashion for vanilla women, I don't think it's going to be seen as a sign of ownership by itself. But, after you find a group, you might refrain from wearing a collar to their events, to avoid any confusion one way or the other.

You can look at collars for sale on online BDSM stores to get an idea of how they look. If you are crafty, there's always a market for unique jewelry in BDSM groups. You could have a nice little side business.

A collar/choker IS seen as fashion for vanilla women, isn't it? If not, I'll have to take a second look at some women I know.

 

[Cerberus12]

Munch?

You could try going to a local munch. I believe the dress code is what you would wear normally (smart casual - I'm sure somebody will know?) but I think the positive side would be that even if you're recognised they have as much to keep quiet about as you?

 

[MichaelWest]

In my experience a collar is first and foremost a symbol that the wearer identifies as a submissive or slave. That said, a collar can be a sign that said wearer is taken ("collared"), just like a wedding ring means you are "taken." However, many submissives and/or slaves own their own collar and are not "taken." Your experience my be different.

Honestly, if a Dominant can't speak to you enough to ascertain if you are "available" or not and respect you, he (or she) has done you a favor right from the get go. Hopefully your fellow submissives will chime in, they can give you lots of insight.

 

[4bidnfruit]

Maybe I’m reaching here and I’m not trying to hijack the thread but this idea of the handkerchief code has me wondering a few things. I did a little research but it just lead to other questions.

Let’s assume a woman goes into a bar wearing a choker. Just a black leather strip with a let’s say brown stone.

If a choker can imply submissiveness, in the BDSM community, would the stone on the choker represent the color of a handkerchief? AT what point in time did the BDSM community start to adopt the Leatherman’s techniques?

 

[RuReal]

You know I have to ask is the Handkerchief Code still really used? I know in my part of the kinky world I have not seen it used, but as the world is a large place I am curious?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Maybe I’m reaching here and I’m not trying to hijack the thread but this idea of the handkerchief code has me wondering a few things. I did a little research but it just lead to other questions.

Let’s assume a woman goes into a bar wearing a choker. Just a black leather strip with a let’s say brown stone.

If a choker can imply submissiveness, in the BDSM community, would the stone on the choker represent the color of a handkerchief? AT what point in time did the BDSM community start to adopt the Leatherman’s techniques?

I cannot imagine that anyone would read the stone in a choker as anything except a fashion statement... Chokers-- they don't imply submissiveness to me, at any rate-- they imply a woman who is wearing something pretty.

A bandana hangs from your back pocket, yanno, which is more where the action is for the menz... And leatherfolk do wear them, you'll see them at any GLBT pride event.

If someone is wearing an animal collar, I am pretty positive that there is some fantasy, at least, of being owned in some sense. That's what pet collars mean.

And a collar, I tend to assess the rest of the person. If he or she is, EG, wearing something leather, like boots, or chaps or such. Or even just jeans and a white teeshirt. I would probably radar that person as owned by a leather top. There's a plainness of dress-- just a little bit, that marks the leather aesthetic.

Goths -- they wear anything their magpie eyes notice. I am sure many goth types are totally open to the notion of BDSM at least, half the bands write songs about it...

Hets started adopting leathermen's techniques when those techniques make sense to them-- otherwise, not so much.

 

[4bidnfruit]

I cannot imagine that anyone would read the stone in a choker as anything except a fashion statement... Chokers-- they don't imply submissiveness to me, at any rate-- they imply a woman who is wearing something pretty.

A bandana hangs from your back pocket, yanno, which is more where the action is for the menz... And leatherfolk do wear them, you'll see them at any GLBT pride event.

If someone is wearing an animal collar, I am pretty positive that there is some fantasy, at least, of being owned in some sense. That's what pet collars mean.

And a collar, I tend to assess the rest of the person. If he or she is, EG, wearing something leather, like boots, or chaps or such. Or even just jeans and a white teeshirt. I would probably radar that person as owned by a leather top. There's a plainness of dress-- just a little bit, that marks the leather aesthetic.

Goths -- they wear anything their magpie eyes notice. I am sure many goth types are totally open to the notion of BDSM at least, half the bands write songs about it...

Hets started adopting leathermen's techniques when those techniques make sense to them-- otherwise, not so much.

Ok~ I figured I was reaching but it almost made sense.

Thanks!

 

[ataxia.girl]

i also live in a small town. i'm meeting someone from craigslist tomorrow

i steered him to my fetlife profile and we have been conversing through that site and yahoo.

We'll see what happens.

i have also found that i am starting to drop the labels. i just like take charge men. i don't necessarily need them to be into "BDSM" per se but my kink is really just non-con, rough sex, "rape" type stuff. i'm starting to think all the D/s, M/s jargon can get in the way. i really just want an Alpha male type who will take me sexually whenever he wants so i'm trying out just explaining it that way and making it less of a "fetish" thing.

 

[Jenneva]

i also live in a small town. i'm meeting someone from craigslist tomorrow

i steered him to my fetlife profile and we have been conversing through that site and yahoo.
We'll see what happens.

i have also found that i am starting to drop the labels. i just like take charge men. i don't necessarily need them to be into "BDSM" per se but my kink is really just non-con, rough sex, "rape" type stuff. i'm starting to think all the D/s, M/s jargon can get in the way. i really just want an Alpha male type who will take me sexually whenever he wants so i'm trying out just explaining it that way and making it less of a "fetish" thing.

Great to know what you want, and good luck with the CL guy! Let me know how it goes. I'm conversing with a guy I met on CL, too. He doesn't live "in" town but driveable.

Stay safe!

 

[Noira]

Actually, I almost believed that I could be a sexual pervert

...You mean you're NOT?

Huh. (polishes up pervert badge)



Man, I hear you all on the small town stuff. I live in a town of about, I dunno, 1500. It's small. I'd give specific details on the demographics but I'm feeling slightly paranoid after tales of stalkers, but suffice to say, not only am I not finding anyone interested in kink, but I can't find anyone; all the available male-type options are assholes and I'm just not into the domlymcdom alpha asshole type... and so far I haven't found any available women who just happen to be into women, though I admit I flirt a bit and poke to see if they're looking.

In my small town, I know ONE couple I highly suspect are either in an unhealthily abusive relationship or in a consensual D/s relationship. I've managed to get a few hints out of her that it's probably the latter; we discussed our corsets, and hot wax at one point, as well as us both pinging as supportive of gays and people who don't fall into the gender binary. There's obviously a sexually open-minded person hiding underneath her and he fits the very picture of what I imagine most Domlymcdoms look like... a scrawny, silent, judgmental guy who shuts her up with a word.

Someday I will out and ask her, perhaps. She's the only real person with any reason to suspect I'm anything but a vanilla virginal princess... at least here. It's too small of a town to wear my kink on my shoulder (though if people ask, why yes, I do like women and I am flirting with you, would you like me to stop?).

Which means my answer is...

You find your dom on the internet, I guess!

Fetlife is a great site. I've found plenty of sort of local people to talk with. Where in my small town I'm limited to carefully prodding at other close-minded people to see if they happen to be harboring a dark side similar to mine, while realizing that they all believe I'm pristine and innocent... well... online you can be anonymous and out. It'll help you find local munches, local people to talk to, and while it's not a dating site per SE, it gives you the connection where everyone is already out.

There's also Collarme, which is a kinky dating site, and I guess sites like Craigslist, but I find the non-dating-centric format of Fetlife to be the least painful way to start prodding the locals a bit.

Hanky codes are all great (why, my bracelet was already on my left arm! Too late for the one piercing on the right side though) but I think most of us will admit the internet is a great place for budding kinksters.

I'm sure it's easier to find a dom though. I'm trying to find someone (not picky on the gender part though) who's not dominant but that's hard because it seems the only people who notice me are the ones who think "oh, a quiet girl! Obviously she will want to submit to my leadership!" or whatever. From what I hear, it sounds like every other guy is an abusive and controlling asshole. Man, why do people never share the positive stories about how they fell in love and lived happily ever after, it's always "oh it's okay that you're single right now, ALL GUYS ARE JERKS AND THIS IS WHY."

...Right, I'll take my cynicism and skip back off to my corner of the internet now. Small towns suck. The internet helps.

 

[Shimp]

You don't know the official LITEROTICA hand shake...tisk tisk you are missing out.

 

[DVS]

Actually, I almost believed that I could be a sexual pervert or a weirdo.

...You mean you're NOT?

Huh. (polishes up pervert badge)

Oh, I've got my badge. Trouble is, it's in a drawer somewhere. I guess I need to get it out and shine it up a little.

 

[Jenneva]

Inspired by the suggestions, I'm making myself a choker today. black leather cord+lace, beading and a circle at the throat. I'll post it later, when it's done. If someone "gets it" then so be it! I think it will be fun to wear it around town.

@Noira, thanks for sharing your story and hold tight (so to speak)..there's someone out there. At least that's what I believe, or I'll go mad...

edited with attachment -- here is my "Hint of a sub" necklace. Let me know what you think...

 

[Jenneva]

It's black leather rope, pink lace and pink glass beads. Silver plated ring.

 

[Primalex]

I'm trying to find someone (not picky on the gender part though) who's not dominant but that's hard because it seems the only people who notice me are the ones who think "oh, a quiet girl! Obviously she will want to submit to my leadership!" or whatever.

It's often more about appearance, posture and body language than chattiness.

 

[Primalex]

If it's a small town, why do you think you find a match there anyway? You know, if they are all related, do you really want to be a part of that gene pool?

 

[ataxia.girl]

Great to know what you want, and good luck with the CL guy! Let me know how it goes. I'm conversing with a guy I met on CL, too. He doesn't live "in" town but driveable.

Stay safe!

It wasn't horrible.

 

[DVS]

It's black leather rope, pink lace and pink glass beads. Silver plated ring.

Nice. You have talent. The silver plated ring pretty much gives it away as a sub collar.