I'm so frickin' homesick...

[bailadora]

Nine months ago, we relocated 1800 miles to a new city for my husband's career. This was a decision we both discussed and both agreed upon. And for the most part, things have gone well.

There is much to recommend our new location. The climate is much more temperate and there are more opportunities for outdoor activities as a family. The new job is significantly less stressful for my husband and the commute is half of what it previously was.

The kids have adjusted well to their new schools and have made friends. I've gotten involved as a volunteer at their schools and elsewhere as my schedule allows, so I've made a few friends as well. It's not like I'm sitting at home indulging my inner hermit.

And yet......I find myself struggling with culture shock. I grew up in the south, where manners and being polite to one another are greatly emphasized. That's not to say people don't have their asshole moments, but in general, it's a very welcoming and friendly environment.

These traits don't seem to be valued as much in my new location. The people are more direct, abrupt and blunt. It's also a very affluent area and many people here seem to have a MASSIVE sense of entitlement. It all combines to create what I perceive to be a very self-centered and rude point of view. I encounter it enough in my daily interactions with people that I'm often taken aback. And honestly - I'm having trouble coping with it. And it makes my longing for home that much worse.

I know that I can't change other people, so I'm going to have to change my responses. It's just that I'm having trouble getting to there from here.

Thoughts and advice would be most welcome.

 

[satindesire]

Nine months ago, we relocated 1800 miles to a new city for my husband's career. This was a decision we both discussed and both agreed upon. And for the most part, things have gone well.

There is much to recommend our new location. The climate is much more temperate and there are more opportunities for outdoor activities as a family. The new job is significantly less stressful for my husband and the commute is half of what it previously was.

The kids have adjusted well to their new schools and have made friends. I've gotten involved as a volunteer at their schools and elsewhere as my schedule allows, so I've made a few friends as well. It's not like I'm sitting at home indulging my inner hermit.

And yet......I find myself struggling with culture shock. I grew up in the south, where manners and being polite to one another are greatly emphasized. That's not to say people don't have their asshole moments, but in general, it's a very welcoming and friendly environment.

These traits don't seem to be valued as much in my new location. The people are more direct, abrupt and blunt. It's also a very affluent area and many people here seem to have a MASSIVE sense of entitlement. It all combines to create what I perceive to be a very self-centered and rude point of view. I encounter it enough in my daily interactions with people that I'm often taken aback. And honestly - I'm having trouble coping with it. And it makes my longing for home that much worse.

I know that I can't change other people, so I'm going to have to change my responses. It's just that I'm having trouble getting to there from here.

Thoughts and advice would be most welcome.

You know, I went through that exact same thing, when I moved from OK to Cali back when I was a teenager.

To be quite frank, at first I thought I shouldn't change myself or my expectations just because I lived in a new area. Then after I got made fun of...a LOT...I started building up those walls that "big city" types get.

You're going to be disappointed by rude people all the time, unfortunately, but I noticed that once I stopped caring so much about the people around me being well mannered, I stopped being well mannered too...it was like, along with my expectations, my standards went out the door.

All in all, I never adjusted to life in larger cities outside of the South. I moved back after a few years, and don't plan on moving outside of the South again. I have absolutely no tolerance for rudeness.

If you ever DO figure out a way to make it, please let me know. I'll be watching this thread closely, because honestly, when I lived in Cali, I felt like I was constantly walking around being offended at everyone, because I never got over how nasty people were.

 

[silverwhisper]

bail, i don't know where you are but i'm in NJ and we're pretty abrupt & blunt here.

if mr. bail's from the same part of the country, maybe it's worth asking how he manages the culture shock & compare notes.

as you know from being in lit, some people are just asshats and some are good at concealing it. but everyone's got a little asshole in them: of that i'm absolutely convinced.

it's just that other people let it out to play more often than others.

are you more surprised/aggravated by the behavior of men or women in your new environs?

ed

 

[bailadora]

To be quite frank, at first I thought I shouldn't change myself or my expectations just because I lived in a new area. Then after I got made fun of...a LOT...I started building up those walls that "big city" types get.

This is kind of where I am now. I don't want to change my behavior, but I do think I need to learn to adjust my expectations of my interactions with others. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

are you more surprised/aggravated by the behavior of men or women in your new environs?

How about men, women AND kids. There's just this prevailing attitude of "my agenda is more important than yours - now get the fuck out of my way, you peon." These are some examples of encounters I've had in just the last couple of weeks:

At the grocery store, I pushed my cart off to the side and stood there so I could figure out what product I wanted. I made sure to keep to one side so I didn't block the aisle. But it was a busy morning and there were still lots of people. As I'm standing there, a man approached from my left while a woman approached from my right. When it became clear the woman was not going to yield to the man, he looked at me and said in a snotty tone - "Uh - *hello*? I can't get past you." I smiled sweetly and replied that I'd be on my way shortly. But in my head - I was thinking, "Really? You can't wait 10 damn seconds for her to pass and then go *around* me? REALLY?"

At the playground, my daughter was playing with the bocci balls. Another kid came up to her and told her to move because he wanted to play there. I glanced over at the mom, but she was too busy texting on her phone to pay attention. When the kid repeated his demand, I said very gently, "Sweetie - you need to wait your turn. My daughter was here first." The mom looked up and shot me a go to hell look for daring to say something to her little angel.

At a restaurant, my husband and I approached the hostess stand. We were just steps away when a woman walked around from behind my husband and planted herself in front of the hostess. My husband sarcastically thanked her for cutting him off, to which she claimed - "oh - I didn't see you (which is bullshit, because ya know, that whole go around thing). If we don't like our table, I'll ask the hostess to give it to you." (I kid you not - she actually said this.)

At the bookstore, my son held the door for a family of five as they were entering the building. Not a single one of them acknowledged the favor. Not even a smile. They just sailed right through as if it was their right to have the door held for them.

if mr. bail's from the same part of the country, maybe it's worth asking how he manages the culture shock & compare notes.

We're on the Treasure Coast, but it's a mixed bag of people from all over. Lots of snowbirds right now, though.

My honey and I talk about this frequently and he shares my perception. He has no problem getting aggressive in return, but I have a more difficult time with it. Whenever possible, I prefer diplomacy.

as you know from being in lit, some people are just asshats and some are good at concealing it. but everyone's got a little asshole in them: of that i'm absolutely convinced.

it's just that other people let it out to play more often than others.

Oh yeah, there's no doubt about that. It's just that I've never been in a location where so many people seem to have no problem displaying their asshattedness with great frequency.

 

[chipcarver]

Having spent 15 years on the treasure coast...it doesn't get any better. It was a shock to me and I hail from Western N.Y.

Once I moved to TN the people are so nice until they got into their cars and they turn into the biggest Asshats I've ever been around.

It boils down to wherever you go there will be people that irritate you. Just kick back and enjoy the ride, laugh about what others do, and instruct your kids not to ever act that way. Besides it gives you something to talk about to family back "home".

 

[bobsgirl]

chip kind of brought up what I was thinking. Having learned manners and courtesy when you were a child, it's ingrained in you. But now that your kids are around this kind of behavior, it wouldn't surprise me if they started picking up some of this rudeness. Not that they're bad kids, just that they may start doing it in order to fit in.

Is Mr. BD sympathetic to your feelings about this?

 

[bobsgirl]

bail, i don't know where you are but i'm in NJ and we're pretty abrupt & blunt here.

if mr. bail's from the same part of the country, maybe it's worth asking how he manages the culture shock & compare notes.

as you know from being in lit, some people are just asshats and some are good at concealing it. but everyone's got a little asshole in them: of that i'm absolutely convinced.

it's just that other people let it out to play more often than others.

are you more surprised/aggravated by the behavior of men or women in your new environs?

ed

Harumph... My inner asshole is not happy to hear this.

 

[pplwatching]

I have lived in the same city for many years, since I was in grade school. I love it's rhythm and pulse. In the past few years it has almost doubled in size, and many of the transplants here can be less friendly and courteous than the natives or long time transplants. As time goes on I am kissing more frogs than princes, so to speak.

I think that you're on the right track with volunteering. I have found that volunteering with people who share a common interest in service brings people who are more like me and who share my values into my orbit.

Unfortunately I didn't have great experiences in the environment that you're volunteering in. I volunteered at my kids school for several years, and frankly the politics and back stabbing was very difficult to handle. There were some shining examples of quality people, but I had to quietly observe for a while to figure out who. In the mean time I was the model of kindness and courteousness to everyone. Those who responded in kind became friends. Some people are there out of a sense of selfless service to both their own kids and others. I made friends with those people too.

When I volunteer with service groups I find that the people are much more fun and enjoyable to be around. I realize that with three kids your time is both limited and precious. I have found that people in service organizations like girl scouts, boy scouts, and with whom I sit on boards with are usually very polite and courteous. There seems to be something about people who give of themselves that brings out the best in them.

It takes work, but I think it's possible to build a group of friends who share your values. In the mean time, be who you want others to be. Sometimes people will rise to the occasion.

 

[SweetErika]

Jesus, and people say we're cold and hard to get to know!

One thing I've found in my region is attitudes largely depend on the specific area. Many of the people a mere 15 miles from us (in richer areas) have a massive sense of entitlement and are frequently rude. I spent the latter half of my childhood in that area, though it wasn't as bad back then.

I prefer the less affluent places around here, and generally seek out activities there, even though the drive may be equal. Whereas the playground scenario you described is incredibly common within a 30 minute drive one way, parents tend to be engaged and friendly and believe in cooperative parenting when you go the other directions. And there seem to be pockets of better people even in the areas with typically shitty attitudes.

I'm sure you've already thought about or found this out for yourself, but if you haven't, maybe seek out some activities in some of the less affluent and more diverse areas to see if the attitudes and behavior are at least somewhat more polite and easier to connect with.

 

[indyguy78]

I was beginning to wonder if you moved to my town.

Almost everyone here is like what you described drives me nuts. I don't get the way people are now a days just creeps me out sometimes. Even though everyone is a asshat I still show my manners even if they don't deserve it rarely I run into nice people but when I do it's refreshing. I don't have any real advice I guess just know how you feel when it comes to those type of people.

 

[ace195008]

This is kind of where I am now. I don't want to change my behavior, but I do think I need to learn to adjust my expectations of my interactions with others. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.



How about men, women AND kids. There's just this prevailing attitude of "my agenda is more important than yours - now get the fuck out of my way, you peon." These are some examples of encounters I've had in just the last couple of weeks:

At the grocery store, I pushed my cart off to the side and stood there so I could figure out what product I wanted. I made sure to keep to one side so I didn't block the aisle. But it was a busy morning and there were still lots of people. As I'm standing there, a man approached from my left while a woman approached from my right. When it became clear the woman was not going to yield to the man, he looked at me and said in a snotty tone - "Uh - *hello*? I can't get past you." I smiled sweetly and replied that I'd be on my way shortly. But in my head - I was thinking, "Really? You can't wait 10 damn seconds for her to pass and then go *around* me? REALLY?"

At the playground, my daughter was playing with the bocci balls. Another kid came up to her and told her to move because he wanted to play there. I glanced over at the mom, but she was too busy texting on her phone to pay attention. When the kid repeated his demand, I said very gently, "Sweetie - you need to wait your turn. My daughter was here first." The mom looked up and shot me a go to hell look for daring to say something to her little angel.

At a restaurant, my husband and I approached the hostess stand. We were just steps away when a woman walked around from behind my husband and planted herself in front of the hostess. My husband sarcastically thanked her for cutting him off, to which she claimed - "oh - I didn't see you (which is bullshit, because ya know, that whole go around thing). If we don't like our table, I'll ask the hostess to give it to you." (I kid you not - she actually said this.)

At the bookstore, my son held the door for a family of five as they were entering the building. Not a single one of them acknowledged the favor. Not even a smile. They just sailed right through as if it was their right to have the door held for them.



We're on the Treasure Coast, but it's a mixed bag of people from all over. Lots of snowbirds right now, though.

My honey and I talk about this frequently and he shares my perception. He has no problem getting aggressive in return, but I have a more difficult time with it. Whenever possible, I prefer diplomacy.



Oh yeah, there's no doubt about that. It's just that I've never been in a location where so many people seem to have no problem displaying their asshattedness with great frequency.

Hi bailadora,

I have done some moving including two international moves to country speaking French and very anal in their ways. For us , at that time my late wife and myself,
We had to speak the language and blend in. Kinda hard, I was a Midwesterner who moved to Ct for work,then NJ , working finally in NYC. I remember I thought the New Yorker was rude and abrupt, but it was a function of their time. Everyone commutes, in NYC . My wife passed in 2004 and I was working in Brooklyn and from a staff of 59 I has a sympathy card with 59 signatures..floored me..it then dawned on me that they really were no different than I ..

Hth...

 

[unregistered]

 

[roomfor1more]

When I was young my family moved from a large mid-west metropolitan city to a small town in a rural state. The culture shock for me was enormous and I never fully adapted to living in a rural town. I found the residents to be backwards, illogical, and many of them resembling Cletus on the Simpsons. In addition the town had a "Little House on the Prairie," or Walton feeling to it. I still believe people who live there are those who are trying to escape reality and live in some altered form of reality because living has become too difficult for them. How did I ultimately deal with it? I moved when I was an adult.

In your situation moving maybe disruptive for your family. The one thing that kept my sanity living there was to do a lot of traveling, especially to larger cities. At least by travelling I could forget for a while, the most popular play in our town was "Nunsense," or the reason why Democrats were not like because they, "tax & spend," even though Reagan was the poster child for poor economic growth through taxation.

My advice is to find something that you like, get involved, and realize you probably will not be there forever.

 

[dollface007]

About 10 years ago, I moved to a small midwestern city. I thought I would love it there, but the locals were really cold and unwelcoming in general. The thing that eventually got me through was making friends with other transplants. If you look around hard enough, you'll probably find other people that don't like it there very much either...what better way to start a friendship than with a mutual hatred of your town??

I still never got around to liking it all that much and I was glad to move on. I moved to a VERY LARGE city a couple years ago and was shocked at how much friendlier people are here compared to the other place (especially b/c people from the other town always went on about how awful it is here). I don't think I'd want to move anywhere else...at least not for a while. Sometimes a place just suits you....or doesn't suit you.

 

[fire_breeze]

I'm sorry you have to go through this - although, not everyone north of the Mason-Dixon line is rude

(and that has better elicited a smile from you, Ms. B!)

I'd like to offer a suggestion one step further of SweetE's advice- how about getting involved with a congregation, particularly one that is multi-ethnic?

Also, I know you love to dance - maybe getting involved with a dance studio or volunteering in the arts/theatre? People in those circles are usually accepting and extremely supportive. PLUS! They love everyone new, and are more than willing to show you around those hidden gems that makes a city alive. You can indulge in your interest plus meet some off-the-wall, and non-usual people. Or how about taking a university/college course? More and more universities have mature students, and the collegial atmosphere tends to foster an accepting atmosphere.

There are rude people everywhere, and yes, certain areas can be much more blunt. But there are pockets of people who are in the same boat as you - it's just a matter of finding them and integrating them into your new home as you go out and explore a niche for yourself.

Good luck

 

[Lynn33]

........................................

 

[bailadora]

Having spent 15 years on the treasure coast...it doesn't get any better. It was a shock to me and I hail from Western N.Y.

You're scaring me, Chip, you're scaring me!

chip kind of brought up what I was thinking. Having learned manners and courtesy when you were a child, it's ingrained in you. But now that your kids are around this kind of behavior, it wouldn't surprise me if they started picking up some of this rudeness. Not that they're bad kids, just that they may start doing it in order to fit in.

Is Mr. BD sympathetic to your feelings about this?

BG - it's ironic. We purposely didn't move to the area where his job is, because it's even more affluent than where we are and we didn't want our kids to get big head syndrome. So yeah - it's something we're watching for.

My honey is sympathetic to my feelings. He shares my assessment, but he has an easier time of either getting aggressive in return or shrugging it off with a "hell with it" attitude. Me, not so much.

One thing I've found in my region is attitudes largely depend on the specific area. Many of the people a mere 15 miles from us (in richer areas) have a massive sense of entitlement and are frequently rude. I spent the latter half of my childhood in that area, though it wasn't as bad back then.

You know Erika, I'm starting to wonder if it the rotten attitude IS more a function of wealth. I was venting to a friend back home and she said she's experienced much the same where she is (one of the more affluent burbs). I was shocked, because in my 40 some odd years there, I'd never experienced that. But then, we've always lived in solid middle class neighborhoods.

J -This is our first move.

Roomfor1more - the decision to relocate was mostly economical - as in being employed vs unemployed. And with the job market being what it is, we felt the move was the more prudent option.

Fire, yes - you did make me smile. Thank you for that.

Ppplwatching and everyone else who suggested ways to get involved: yes - those are avenues I'm currently investigating as time allows. Three kids eat up a massive amount of time, though. I have made some friends, so I hope I didn't give off a "nobody loves me, I'm gonna go eat a worm" attitude.

I also hope I didn't give the impression that EVERYONE is an asshole, because that's not the case. Actually, we have a really good group of neighbors: the kind that sit out in the driveways and watch the kids play. The kind who watch out for each other's kids and will speak up if your kid does something dangerous or stupid and you somehow miss it. The kind who plan block parties. The incidents I described are more of the things I encounter as I'm running errands in my daily life. It's just very, very different from what I'm used to.

Maybe it's just me and I need to develop a thicker skin.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Are you still whining about this move? All you need is a good spanking to adjust your attitude!

Honey, I feel for ya. I suffered severe culture shock 25 years ago when I moved from a country to the city. That is not to say that I was a bumpkin, but Holy shit was there a world of difference between the people and the lifestyle! Back then it was tolerable and the right thing to do, now I need to escape back to the country with what little sanity I have left.

 

[billrichards41]

Where did you move too? The land of make believe? Sounds awful...
I happen to hail from a big city, a place where there is affluence and wealth along with poverty and homelessness and crime and even here people can be rude but still what you seem to describe is unreal.
Not to sound rude but your experience may be a combination of you and how you perceive others. Your expectation and what you feel is returned to you.
You don't have to take things personally and by all means voice your opinion.

I have traveled far and wide for work and found myself in a southern town...
I happen to be out for lunch with the people I was there to assist, I observed someone roll down a car window while parked at a curb and throw refuse out the window and roll it back up... I promptly walked over picked it up and knocked on their window, I mentioned that they must have dropped this by accident but not to worry I'll throw it away.
As I walked back to the group they were shocked and cautioned me not to do that since in this state everyone carries a gun and I could get shot for approaching a vehicle in that manner.
I told them that to me littering, being rude and in general being an asshole is not acceptable and I will speak out. Some people might not agree but really it's not okay to act foolish anywhere. So if you feel that you are justified speak out, just don't be surprised if someone has a difference of opinion and when they do, don't take it personally and weigh the severity, consequences and what you can do about it.
So again not sure where you moved too, but I will say that ignorance is everywhere, it's how you handle it and how you let it effect you.

 

[culloden]

I am sorry to hear that. But just keep on being you, and maybe some of your politeness will wear off. If it doesn't, well, fuck 'em. They have to live with their asshole selves. And you did say you had good neighbors, which goes a long way.

FWIW, I live on the edge of a pretty snooty part of New England. That sense of entitlement you mention isn't uncommon here, and it really raises my hackles. I notice it rarely comes from the locals, though, even the moneyed ones. Mostly it comes from people whose jobs move them around a lot. They make a lot of money, but don't stay put long enough to develop a sense of community. That lack might explain their selfishness.

Good luck!

 

[unregistered]

 

[bailadora]

It's been a little bit since you posted in this thread, Baila. How are you doing?

Thanks for asking, J. I've been MIA because I got a surprise visit from my mom! Boy, did I ever need that! I get to see my sister next month and then we head back for a long visit once the kids are out of school. Needless to say, I've gotten a much needed pick me up and we had a really good Easter weekend.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Lessons Learned?

I just read the thread and was curious as to how it was going? Are you adjusting? Any lessons learned between the original conversations and now?

 

[NaturistLouise]

I just read this thread and wish I had some good advice but unfortunately I don't have any.It certainly makes one realize (again) that it is good, polite people that makes one happy in a given location, not the warm weather or the fantastic choice of things to do or places to shop.

I like the suggestions on getting involved but you already are volunteering. It is doing the normal things in life, like shopping, restaurants, etc. which is your challenge. It sounds like an infinite amount of patience is the only answer! I am particularly happy that your son is so polite, holding the door. The challenge will be keeping him motivated to continue being polite, when he is surrounded by those who aren't.

Hang in there.

 

[bailadora]

I just read the thread and was curious as to how it was going? Are you adjusting? Any lessons learned between the original conversations and now?

I don't know that I've learned anything new since then, but things don't seem to be bothering me quite as much at this point in time. Maybe I've developed a thicker skin. Or it might be that I'm about to embark on a looooong visit back home and I don't quite give a shit right about now. We'll see how I feel 5 or 6 months down the road. I may be singing the same song, second verse!

I just read this thread and wish I had some good advice but unfortunately I don't have any.It certainly makes one realize (again) that it is good, polite people that makes one happy in a given location, not the warm weather or the fantastic choice of things to do or places to shop.

I like the suggestions on getting involved but you already are volunteering. It is doing the normal things in life, like shopping, restaurants, etc. which is your challenge. It sounds like an infinite amount of patience is the only answer! I am particularly happy that your son is so polite, holding the door. The challenge will be keeping him motivated to continue being polite, when he is surrounded by those who aren't.

Hang in there.

Oh, Louise - patience is not something I'm known for. I pray for it daily, and I pray for it NOW!

My son is a pretty good egg. Like most kids, he can act like a little turd at home, but out in public, he's pretty well mannered and polite. On the rare occasions he slips, he's quickly reminded of his p's and q's by both my husband and I.