Cheating and BDSM

[Belle966]

If a Dominant cheats on his/her submissive significant other, would you consider that person to be a bad Dominant, or just a bad partner?

Would you still consider that person a responsible Dominant, or is cheating a breach of the ethics of trust? How would a person be treated by the BDSM community if it was known that they had cheated and lied to their long term submissive?

I have a semi-personal reason for asking, but just looking for general thoughts at the moment.

 

[Scotsman69]

BDSM requires the utmost trust.

I've recently lost the most beautiful relationship in my life through lack of trust. Both ways.

If a Dominant cheats on his/her submissive significant other, would you consider that person to be a bad Dominant, or just a bad partner?

Would you still consider that person a responsible Dominant, or is cheating a breach of the ethics of trust? How would a person be treated by the BDSM community if it was known that they had cheated and lied to their long term submissive?

I have a semi-personal reason for asking, but just looking for general thoughts at the moment.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I see absolutely no reason why cheating would magically become acceptable in a relationship, regardless of whether the person is a Dom or not. Cheating is definitely a breach of trust.If anything, there is even LESS wiggle room for a Dom, because of the need for trust. I can't speak on how the BDSM community would treat that person, but I would not find such behavior acceptable in the slightest.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I would say that is a cheating Dominant. I don't think that makes a person bad at being dominant, but it certainly makes them bad at being in a relationship-- especially with someone who expects monogamy.

 

[mediocre]

If monogamy is expected has been talked about, the Dom is a jackass for cheating and makes them bad at a relationship.

If there is some level of openness to the relationship and the Dom hid the side sex, then there is communication issues that need serious work and hence some trust issues.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Ladies, please get over the notion that "Dom" means "Boy Scout/White Knight/Perfect, Mind-Reading Boyfriend."

It means none of those things. A Dom is a guy who has a particularly forceful personality, but don't go reading into that any idea that his force is for goodness and justice. It doesn't have to be.

And really, think about it-- a guy who is such an alpha as all that? Why would he follow any rule he didn't want to follow?

 

[BiBunny]

Ladies, please get over the notion that "Dom" means "Boy Scout/White Knight/Perfect, Mind-Reading Boyfriend."

It means none of those things. A Dom is a guy who has a particularly forceful personality, but don't go reading into that any idea that his force is for goodness and justice. It doesn't have to be.

And really, think about it-- a guy who is such an alpha as all that? Why would he follow any rule he didn't want to follow?

Thank you for this. The most alpha man I've ever met is charming, very skilled at BDSM (and sex in general), charismatic, like a force of nature...and completely Machiavellian and narcissistic.

He's a dom, yes. But not one you want anything to do with if you value your sanity.

 

[YourCaptor]

It's makes them whatever you think it makes them.

If it's not ok then they are bad.

 

[HottieMama]

For me personally, it would make them an unethical person, and I choose to not associate with unethical persons in any way.

I have found, that at times the BDSM community at large tends to turn a blind eye to these types of things. A person may be valued for a particular skill set (i.e. flogging) and that is what others tend to base their respect/admiration on. Doesn't make it right, but it is how I have seen it go down many times.

 

[BiBunny]

For me personally, it would make them an unethical person, and I choose to not associate with unethical persons in any way.

I have found, that at times the BDSM community at large tends to turn a blind eye to these types of things. A person may be valued for a particular skill set (i.e. flogging) and that is what others tend to base their respect/admiration on. Doesn't make it right, but it is how I have seen it go down many times.

Yes, indeedy, kiddies. It fucking blows.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Meh, it only blows if you expect something else along with that skill set, then yes-- you will be disappointed.

But if all you expect out of mind-blowingly orgasmic sex is the mind-blowing orgasm-- And I know it's rare for us to allow ourselves to only want that-- then a limited skill set just might be all you need.

 

[HottieMama]

Oh I am fine with an HONEST limited skill set... What I have a problem with is the deceit and dishonesty involved in cheating and the possibility of the one who is cheated on showing up at my door to "settle things..."

(This may or may not have happened to me in the past.... Ask Bunny...)

 

[BiBunny]

Meh, it only blows if you expect something else along with that skill set, then yes-- you will be disappointed.

But if all you expect out of mind-blowingly orgasmic sex is the mind-blowing orgasm-- And I know it's rare for us to allow ourselves to only want that-- then a limited skill set just might be all you need.

The problem is that people like that are such skilled manipulators that shit gets out of control before you realize it.

 

[intothewoods]

If a Dominant cheats on his/her submissive significant other, would you consider that person to be a bad Dominant, or just a bad partner?

Would you still consider that person a responsible Dominant, or is cheating a breach of the ethics of trust? How would a person be treated by the BDSM community if it was known that they had cheated and lied to their long term submissive?

I have a semi-personal reason for asking, but just looking for general thoughts at the moment.

First, whether or not the person is dominant makes no difference here to me.

I think relationships are complicated and it depends. I tend to look more at patterns in the big picture. Good people make mistakes in life. They make bad choices. I'm wary of the people who keep making bad choices and blaming others for their lot in life.

As for the BDSM community -- well, I am part of just one group (though I haven't been out in ages) and that group includes lots of poly folk and close friends who play with each other. If someone in that group had been deceiving his or her partner(s) over a long period of time, I think that would be pretty scandalous. One fuck up? Eh. Again, it depends on the situation.

 

[Stella_Omega]

The problem is that people like that are such skilled manipulators that shit gets out of control before you realize it.

yes, and that kinda makes them terrible people... Even though they are great at Domming.

What I am saying is that the very qualities that make for a good Dom also tend to make for very anti-social persons. Really. We put a huge emphasis on sterling qualities in an attempt to control those guys, but BDSM was always kind of the refuge for people like that, where their bad habits could be codified and accepted to a certain extent. For me it's the crowd that can accept my promiscuity as exactly that-- a place where I never felt I had to lie about my intentions.

But that damn het-women's impulse towards happy ever after with a Handsome Prince -- I dunno, if I were a dude, and every lady wanted to hear those words from me, or I had been taught that they did-- how would I behave? I can't honestly say I would be a gentleman all the time, or even very often.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Deceit cracks the foundation of any relationship. Even patched up with a spackle of apologies and whole hearted repentance it will simply never be as solid as it once was. It is forever changed. You can build a house on it, but it will require more maintenance than most people can deal with long term.

 

[BiBunny]

yes, and that kinda makes them terrible people... Even though they are great at Domming.

What I am saying is that the very qualities that make for a good Dom also tend to make for very anti-social persons. Really. We put a huge emphasis on sterling qualities in an attempt to control those guys, but BDSM was always kind of the refuge for people like that, where their bad habits could be codified and accepted to a certain extent. For me it's the crowd that can accept my promiscuity as exactly that-- a place where I never felt I had to lie about my intentions.

But that damn het-women's impulse towards happy ever after with a Handsome Prince -- I dunno, if I were a dude, and every lady wanted to hear those words from me, or I had been taught that they did-- how would I behave? I can't honestly say I would be a gentleman all the time, or even very often.

Yep, basically that. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, etc., etc.

 

[His_pet_slut]

yes, and that kinda makes them terrible people... Even though they are great at Domming.

What I am saying is that the very qualities that make for a good Dom also tend to make for very anti-social persons. Really. We put a huge emphasis on sterling qualities in an attempt to control those guys, but BDSM was always kind of the refuge for people like that, where their bad habits could be codified and accepted to a certain extent. For me it's the crowd that can accept my promiscuity as exactly that-- a place where I never felt I had to lie about my intentions.

But that damn het-women's impulse towards happy ever after with a Handsome Prince -- I dunno, if I were a dude, and every lady wanted to hear those words from me, or I had been taught that they did-- how would I behave? I can't honestly say I would be a gentleman all the time, or even very often.

Honestly? The part I put in bold is exactly why I am here. For decades I struggled to deny that part of my very nature. The sensuous part that always craved a new sensation. The part that 'polite society' finds appalling. The side of me that was first embraced and then reviled in relationships. Now? Now I am treasured for that very quality. *shrugs* a few partners that didn't quite 'get' me say I am much more male in my sexual attitudes and that is at odds with my very feminine and nurturing nature in all other aspects.

Does it make me a not nice person? Nope. I am incredibly loyal to my friends. I am also a much nicer person now that I don't try to be something I am not and fit a pigeonhole.

However, if one has a relationship that is supposedly monogamous and that trust has been betrayed, then yeah, it can be a problem

 

[Stella_Omega]

Honestly? The part I put in bold is exactly why I am here. For decades I struggled to deny that part of my very nature. The sensuous part that always craved a new sensation. The part that 'polite society' finds appalling. The side of me that was first embraced and then reviled in relationships. Now? Now I am treasured for that very quality. *shrugs* a few partners that didn't quite 'get' me say I am much more male in my sexual attitudes and that is at odds with my very feminine and nurturing nature in all other aspects.

haha yeah-- One time a guy made a pass at me and I turned him down. He came back a couple days later and said told me that my horoscope said I would never be happy because some one planet wanted family and security and another planet wanted adventure and lots of sex.

I said: "I'm still not going to bed with you."

Does it make me a not nice person? Nope. I am incredibly loyal to my friends. I am also a much nicer person now that I don't try to be something I am not and fit a pigeonhole.

To thy own self be true for sure!

However, if one has a relationship that is supposedly monogamous and that trust has been betrayed, then yeah, it can be a problem

It's so much easier to be honest about it all... better than being caught up in lies. I'm too lazy for all of that, really.

 

[His_pet_slut]

haha yeah-- One time a guy made a pass at me and I turned him down. He came back a couple days later and said told me that my horoscope said I would never be happy because some one planet wanted family and security and another planet wanted adventure and lots of sex.

I said: "I'm still not going to bed with you."

To thy own self be true for sure!

It's so much easier to be honest about it all... better than being caught up in lies. I'm too lazy for all of that, really.

And the honesty goes both ways. You have to really hear, understand and accept what the other person is telling you. I have encountered so many situations where once you start really talking to the person that feels betrayed you realize that monogamy was never promised in the first place. If they are not telling you that yes indeed this is going to be a monogamous relationship, it won't be one. End of story.

 

[FurryFury]

Cheating is not okay unless both partners agree that it is and then *tah dah!* it's NOT cheating.

It has little to do with mighty domliness (which in my experience doesn't come from people who radiate power or anything else, nope, just from normal folks generally) and has much more to do with, being a shitty person who cheats when the other person is trusting them not to.

JMO.

 

[Stella_Omega]

And the honesty goes both ways. You have to really hear, understand and accept what the other person is telling you. I have encountered so many situations where once you start really talking to the person that feels betrayed you realize that monogamy was never promised in the first place. If they are not telling you that yes indeed this is going to be a monogamous relationship, it won't be one. End of story.

I have had this really lovely woman who's been flirting with me for months now, and then backing off and then flirting again... and about a month ago she invited me to her house. I promptly caught a cold

But once I got over the cold, I realised that I was also having cold feet. The next time I saw her I talked about my issues in the plainest language that I could muster. It was the best thing I could have done, and she in return talked equally plainly-- and I've seen more of her since that talk, with less tension and far more trust between us. But no sex-- I told her that I was worried about us fucking and then me falling in codependency with her, because right now? I need to not get co-dependent. So we've been having sex-adjacent. In fact, she's the woman we peed on

 

[StrayKat]

But that damn het-women's impulse towards happy ever after with a Handsome Prince

That always amazes me too. Aside the fact that I find the Prince Charming absolutely boring prospect of the potential partner, I am surprised by the number of women who try to find that kind in BDSM context. If anything, Dom types are the "bad guys" for me. The biggest part of their attraction lies in that fact. I would never see them as Knights in Shiny Armor or some such crap. "A knight who would push me off my horse and then laugh while I struggle to get back" maybe. A saviour? No way in hell. I really like them mean.

On topic - cheating is cheating. BDSM is no excuse for it.

 

[the captians wench]

That always amazes me too. Aside the fact that I find the Prince Charming absolutely boring prospect of the potential partner, I am surprised by the number of women who try to find that kind in BDSM context. If anything, Dom types are the "bad guys" for me. The biggest part of their attraction lies in that fact. I would never see them as Knights in Shiny Armor or some such crap. "A knight who would push me off my horse and then laugh while I struggle to get back" maybe. A saviour? No way in hell. I really like them mean.

On topic - cheating is cheating. BDSM is no excuse for it.

This very much has been my issue in the dating world. I want both.

I do have this terrible love for Prince Charming, but then I also want him to tie me up in his dungen and do very non conventional charming things to me.

I think it has to do with the fact that is very much me. I'm very sweet and innocent on the outside, but hide this "naughty" creature with in me. Well, I don't hide it very much anymore, but I have learned when it is more apropreate to contain her.

But I don't try to make Prince Charming out of an Evil Uncle. I can get on with Evil Uncle, and accept that's all he'll ever be, and love him for that evil, but at the same time realize it's not enough for me long term. Same with Prince Charming, if he doesn't have a dark side, we're just not going to last long. I need both, and that's very rare to find. (and when I do find some one who comes close he lives 3500+ miles from me )

 

[waaitg]

I have found, that at times the BDSM community at large tends to turn a blind eye to these types of things. A person may be valued for a particular skill set (i.e. flogging) and that is what others tend to base their respect/admiration on. Doesn't make it right, but it is how I have seen it go down many times.

I believe this is the crux of the matter.

Are you in a relationship with this person, and as a result, clearly agreed to being monogamous with each other? Or are you spending time with this person so that you can enjoy the skills they have?

The answers dictate what type of relationship you are in and what the expectations are for both parties. And just because this behavior is excused by the community at large, does not make it right since it is not the community that is involved in the relationship but the two parties involved.

W~