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Doms can you explain what you get out of it?

LanceWrite said:
The closest comparison for me, is Directing a play or film. You're not necessarily on stage - getting the applause - or on camera, getting the attention. But you're CREATING it.

You are CRAFTING a very, very powerful moment full of emotion and energy.

Being a Dom, for me - is ultimately a creative endeavor.
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Ok there is a recurring theam here. Sooooooooooooooooooo Basically its not about sex at all . Its about creating something?

Not you just have to explain that bit to me?
 
CookingDom said:
9 years in with actively exploring this lifestyle and I'm pretty much just about getting to the stage where I am comfortable in what I am and understanding fully what I get out of it.

I've always been dominant, both in day to day life and in the bedroom, but in the bedroom it was more kink that D/s, until I started exploring and there were 2 moments that I call 'Eureka' moments where everything just seemed to make sense.

The first, I was sat on an office chair with my, then, gf straddling me as I was teasing her clit mercilessly. I would slow down as I could see her chest rise and her orgasm approaching. This went on for a while and she was writhing around and squirming, which began to annoy me, so I just looked at her in her eyes and said 'Don't fucking move'. She froze and (her words) gushed. I do admit I got a real kick out her squirming and edging but I didn't truly understand why, until many years later. The next time I saw her, she told me how she had mentioned to her sister what I had done and what I'd said to her. Her sister replied 'don't you just fucking love it when they do that?'.

I guess I new I was onto something then.

The next time we played, she was lying beside me with her left arm under my body, my right arm behind her head holding her right wrist. My leg was over her holding them open as my left hand would tease her clit. She writhed and begged so much I had to really struggle to hold her down and force her legs to stay open, but I managed and when she came, I didn't stop. I don't know how many times she came but what I do know is, the last time she came, I let go of her wrist, but her arm didn't move. It was as if she was mentally still being held and thats when I started to understand what I was capable of, and getting off on.

Those first few years (I was actually living in Canada at the time) were full of play, some shallow and cold, some meaningful, some not so and I do admit that I struggled in the beginning. Often I would find myself trying to do what I thought you had to do to be considered a Dom. Nowadays I would consider myself a Top rather than Dom as I enjoy more of the sex part of it all than the scene stuff (rope, CP, social heirs and graces of the lifestyle).
More recently I have come to understand things like face slapping, forced consensual and basically just doing what I need in the moment. I have gotten off on making a sub cry while she serves me, mainly as humiliation. I've always got one well with strong women, the type that seem to give up a lot more in order to submit, When you know what a sub is capable of in day to day life, they could probably kick the shit out of me if they wanted to, but they chose to submit, to relinquish their body to me and I take great pleasure in using it as a vessel for what I need and moulding her mind to accept things in order to please me, when normally they would disgust her.

So what do I get out of it? I get to be me and not worry about the consequences. If I want to hear her scream as I take her, knowing that after the name calling and insults have fallen on deaf ears, she accepts what is being done to her - and embraces it, thats when I know she is mine.
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Thankyou for this very honest answer.

Your descriptions of your experiances were so erotic.

So clarify for me? I'm on a learning curve.:)

As a "Top" your more interested in the sexual side of things? But a "Dom " would be interested in control which extends beyond the bedroom?

However I have tried it both ways - Ex was Dom definatly as he sort far more than sexual control. Current man Top as his focus is almost solely sexual.

Am I am the right track?
 
Eager2TRYRU said:
My first 25 sexual years were all as a Dom. And as my Dom side developed, the first thrill for me was just the control. Deciding if she would cum once or 30 times. I would get my partner to the edge of orgasm and back off, change the rhythm... to keep her from having an orgasm. It progressed to making her beg... not letting her move or reach for me... basically just seeing how far I can control someone through pleasure and pain to get them to do or say what I want.

Then I moved into a "expand her horizons" mode where I wanted to see just how far I could push her, to get the pleasure she wanted how much could I get her to beg me to do something she didn't want... or know she wanted done to her. Using the paddle was the start of that. I knew, especially at first, she didn't like it... but through pleasure could I get her to beg and plead for me to whip her ass to get just the touch of my tongue on her quivering clit, or thank me for each thrust of my cock inside her. I fondly remember keeping her on the edge of orgasm for 30 minutes and when I asked her a question she was unable to say any words... just sounds, and one word... please.

Slowly, in my more recent sexual past, I noticed signs that my wife, although she loved being submissive... had a few Dom tendencies when we were having non D/S sex. I encouraged her to try things and I found... she'd taken pretty good notes from watching me and within months she became an amazing Dom.

What I get from my time as a Sub is completely different. When I'm a Sub I don't have to plan or think about what's next... I just exist in the moment... my entire focus is on the my body... the pleasure or pain it's feeling... waiting to please or be pleased, to have my limits tested and boundaries pushed.

After a particularly dominant night with my wife she said it was her turn next. Two days later... I still remember every detail... how she took our largest strapon, pushed me down on the bed and fucked me harder than I ever thought possible, her full weight on me, pinning me in place. I just remember being almost scared at first with how hard she was fucking me... how much power I felt from her... how much I would do anything she wanted. After she fucked me senseless she told me to sit up... and stroke her cock while she watched... I remember how warm the strapon was from being inside me... and how I wanted to do whatever she wanted... how I'd would do, and enjoy, things I never thought I would just to please her.
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Oh just WOW!
 
Soooooooooooooooooo. I know I'm a pain with my never ending questions.

However....... as a submissive I guess its OK then to just let these sensations wash over me, to bask in that ultimate surrender of allowing and letting things happen?

I dont have to worry that I'm not doing enough ? Its Ok to bury myself in my sexual submission?

He will get as much pleasure as I will, from peeling my boundaries back, exposing the next raw nerve, watching me orgasm induced something which I have never even thought about or envisioned I'd try which he has introduced me to?

Ioften say he's the pupetmaster.......this giving up any responsibilty suits me . I love the excitment of not know whats going to happen next. I love it when he tells me we are going to do something and my initial reaction is NO.....how he lets it simmer, how he allows it to morph in my mind and then how its me that is begging for the thing he initally asked for !.....now that has to be subtle control dosent it?

Who ever said submission is a gift is a fool.........because the gift is that you can find someone who is on the same wavelenght as you and will allow , nuture, cultivate, encourage and accept the submissive in me and have the interest strength and interlect to take it to a new place everytime
 
Kimuk - Thanks for starting this thread it's been interesting reading. What I often wondered during my exclusively Dom days was the opposite... what is in it for the Sub. It wasn't until I started exploring my Sub side that I realized what, at least for me, the Sub gets. As a Sub I get to concentrate solely on two things... the physical sensations I am feeling... and my Dom's instructions regarding pleasing her. The rest of the world just disappears and my brain is shut down. I don't have to think about what to do next or anything... just my body and her words. For me, from a sensation perspective... being the Sub is much more physically pleasurable. But learning about being a Sub has made me a much better, stronger Dom now that I understand what the Sub receives.
 
More thoughts on this:

If I give you an apple to eat, i want to see you how you eat an apple.

At best, I would hope that you totally love and enjoy that apple, every bite of it. At that moment, I want your entire world to center around eating that apple....

And people who can put themselves into the moment, are the best for that sort of thing.

Have you ever watched dancers who are self-concious, or not putting themselves totally into the dance? You can't get top marks if you dance with reservations... Even a poorer dancer will be better to watch, if you can see how much they love what they are doing.

I would say that would be my goal in"Breaking in a sub" if I were to do such a thing, bring someone from nervous semi-participation to wholehearted acceptance of everything we do together.
 
These questions always really confuse me, but then I'm not usually the center of the experience. Probably has something to do with the fact that I love to suck dick so much. Once that little tidbit gets out, and then they see just how much I love to have that cock in my mouth, getting me off becomes less of a concern. But I get off on getting him off, so it works.

I guess this does come into play when it comes to my ability to orgasm on a word, litterally just with one word spoken in just the right way. Though I don't understand why men like to play with that either, but they seem to enjoy it almost as much as me blowing them. *shrug*
 
Likely because it's awesome Wench :D

And for those of us who enjoy power over others, well, that's an almost absolute display of the concept.
 
Thanks For the awesome responses. Being newer in this lifestyle, this thread is very eye opening. I think understanding what the Dom gets out of it, can help any sub realize their true potential. Keep em coming and thank you.
 
Stella_Omega said:
And people who can put themselves into the moment, are the best for that sort of thing.

Have you ever watched dancers who are self-concious, or not putting themselves totally into the dance? You can't get top marks if you dance with reservations... Even a poorer dancer will be better to watch, if you can see how much they love what they are doing.
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There are not words for how true this is. I'm convinced this is the reason why my boyfriend, for some ABSURD reason, thinks I can sing. I'm not a good singer. but when I do sing, I SING....Privately in the car...but I don't mind doing it with him because he loves me and will love me even if I hurt his ears ^_^

but yah, point being, how can you NOT love to watch someone loving what they're doing. Fuck, I've watched people do the most inane and meaningless work...but since they did it with such love for their job, it was worth watching.
 
kimuk said:
Soooooooooooooooooo. I know I'm a pain with my never ending questions.

However....... as a submissive I guess its OK then to just let these sensations wash over me, to bask in that ultimate surrender of allowing and letting things happen?

I dont have to worry that I'm not doing enough ? Its Ok to bury myself in my sexual submission?

He will get as much pleasure as I will, from peeling my boundaries back, exposing the next raw nerve, watching me orgasm induced something which I have never even thought about or envisioned I'd try which he has introduced me to?

Ioften say he's the pupetmaster.......this giving up any responsibilty suits me . I love the excitment of not know whats going to happen next. I love it when he tells me we are going to do something and my initial reaction is NO.....how he lets it simmer, how he allows it to morph in my mind and then how its me that is begging for the thing he initally asked for !.....now that has to be subtle control dosent it?

Who ever said submission is a gift is a fool.........because the gift is that you can find someone who is on the same wavelenght as you and will allow , nuture, cultivate, encourage and accept the submissive in me and have the interest strength and interlect to take it to a new place everytime
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Depends on the guy. It's just like nilla, some tell you what they want, others expect you to know, some don't know what they want themselves, etc. You could ask him what he wants.
 
kimuk said:
Thankyou for this very honest answer.

Your descriptions of your experiances were so erotic.

So clarify for me? I'm on a learning curve.:)

As a "Top" your more interested in the sexual side of things? But a "Dom " would be interested in control which extends beyond the bedroom?

However I have tried it both ways - Ex was Dom definatly as he sort far more than sexual control. Current man Top as his focus is almost solely sexual.

Am I am the right track?
Click to expand...


I think the best advice I can give is simply stop trying, just 'be'.

When I figured that out, for me it all started falling into place and I've never been happier within myself.

I adore women, I adore the gift of submission they give and I cherish what they are. I please them as much as they please me and I use my sub as and when I please, it works.

I'm a really caring, romantic funny guy and it was always a struggle for me to combine that with D/s. Thats why I identify as a Top better.
I'm not interested in the protocols of being a Dom on the scene, or what a sub thinks being Dom is all about.

Try to define what you are and what you want, then you'll find it easier to find a match. Think of it as walking up to a buffet table, you know what you like to eat so you just pick the bits you want. yes you might fill your plate with a couple of things you want to try, but you know at least you won't be hungry because you have enough on that plate of the things you like.
 
Oh I know what I want ( and so does he in every detail) He also delivers what I want every time. As we have a play date in 2 weeks time I supose I have this strong desire to make it as good for him as I know it will be for me ( I from know from past experiance). As we know each other far better it wont be a question of him pushing the right buttons, more a case of him turning the dails up full blast.

I have asked him and his answer was simple "what turns you on turns me on too" . He was suprised last time that I was so relaxed with him , that there was no relutance in me , Jezz I was so turned on he could have taken me into the hotel car park and called the entire staff over to take turns!

I think I'm the type of person who looks for explanations. If I understand then I feel easier. My questions are motivated because I know how I felt last time. No other sexual experiance has every compared with it. It was just like I was ment to be that way. I had this delicious permission to be sexual, I was allowed to enjoy and experaince things which had never happened to me be before. In a way it made me feel powerful. It opened this door which had been locked for so long.

But theres this urge inside me , its so strong , a little voice which says be the best you can for him and give him the amount of pleasure he gives to you . So I'm dipping into the Lit Doms psyche to try and enhance the experiance for him.

Our togeather time is limited by life so I need him to go home feeling like hes conqured the world and hes walking on air.

There are things which we are going to do which will be firsts for me. And all I have to do is be myself and soak up the experiance then it will be a breeze.

Stella I will eat the apple. I'll savour every mouthful. When the juice runs down my chin I'll lick it up. I'll make sure he knows how good the apple was and I'll say thankyou.........when were both full.

:)
 
I always say to a sub early on, 'what will you do above and beyond what I tell you to do?'

I never want a sub that has to be told everything she is to do, like any relationship you pick up on little things that the other person likes, whether they tell you or you simply find out.

So find out what his interests are, find out the littlest seemingly unimportant things he likes and incorporate them into play. TRust me when he knows how much attention you have been paying when he never even thought you were listening, he will be very pleased.
 
CookingDom said:
I always say to a sub early on, 'what will you do above and beyond what I tell you to do?'

I never want a sub that has to be told everything she is to do, like any relationship you pick up on little things that the other person likes, whether they tell you or you simply find out.

So find out what his interests are, find out the littlest seemingly unimportant things he likes and incorporate them into play. TRust me when he knows how much attention you have been paying when he never even thought you were listening, he will be very pleased.
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I seem to be on a winning streak then! Because I do that all the time :)
 
kimuk said:
...

But what does the Dom get out of it?

...
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I'm much more a sadist than a Dom, so my answer is relatively simple.

I get pleasure from providing pain to one who finds that exciting and arousing.
 
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