Non-lifestyle BDSM

[Kinky_Christina]

By "non-lifestyle" I don't mean "occasional" - I mean "only during sex." Maybe it's because I'm a bit switchy and enjoy both sides of power play, but I'm not the type to enjoy non-sexual submission or dominance much. This doesn't seem to be very common, or perhaps I'm simply talking to the wrong people or using the wrong words. I'm hoping you lovely Lit folks can shed some light on this.

When I'm dominating a man, I love to hear him beg. I love to make him whimper, and plead, and call me Mistress, and obey me. But I don't tell him he's worthless, and I don't act as though I don't want him. I praise him for being such a good fucktoy for me, and punish him when he isn't, but I don't act as though I don't value his submission. So I suppose I treat submissive men a bit differently from a lot of Dommes even in bed. When I'm being submissive, I take a bit of conquering too. I enjoy earning my power and making him earn his.

But outside of bed, i.e., in a relationship, I want someone who will keep up with me and not try to control me, or expect me to control him. I really do want an equal - just one I can dominate or who will dominate me sexually. How unusual is this, exactly?

I'd really appreciate some discussion. Please don't tell me that perhaps I'm vanilla, though. I know what I enjoy sexually and only the very broadest of definitions could even consider calling it vanilla.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

By "non-lifestyle" I don't mean "occasional" - I mean "only during sex." Maybe it's because I'm a bit switchy and enjoy both sides of power play, but I'm not the type to enjoy non-sexual submission or dominance much. This doesn't seem to be very common, or perhaps I'm simply talking to the wrong people or using the wrong words. I'm hoping you lovely Lit folks can shed some light on this.

When I'm dominating a man, I love to hear him beg. I love to make him whimper, and plead, and call me Mistress, and obey me. But I don't tell him he's worthless, and I don't act as though I don't want him. I praise him for being such a good fucktoy for me, and punish him when he isn't, but I don't act as though I don't value his submission. So I suppose I treat submissive men a bit differently from a lot of Dommes even in bed. When I'm being submissive, I take a bit of conquering too. I enjoy earning my power and making him earn his.

But outside of bed, i.e., in a relationship, I want someone who will keep up with me and not try to control me, or expect me to control him. I really do want an equal - just one I can dominate or who will dominate me sexually. How unusual is this, exactly?

I'd really appreciate some discussion. Please don't tell me that perhaps I'm vanilla, though. I know what I enjoy sexually and only the very broadest of definitions could even consider calling it vanilla.

I wouldn't say it's unusual at all. I can see how you might get that impression though, particularly if you're reading a lot of stories. I think it's a bit of a sample bias, using communities like lit and their stories (if that is what you are doing). I think if one was to peek into the windows of the world, you'd find more of it. I know all of the people I personally know only engage in bdsm during sex and MAYBE a few scenes outside it if someone really wants to. Now that's not very many people! But they are people who don't participate in any community activities or come on any forums, so I think you can still see my point

People may disagree with me (and please, folks, correct me if I'm way off the mark here!), but I believe that you'd find a measure of equality and respect in any long-term 24/7 lifestyle relationship. I don't think relationships are able to survive healthily without respect and some even ground some where. I think if you looked closely at those kinds of relationships, or asked the participants if they respected each other as people and viewed the other as an equal human being, you'd find that they do. It just may be exhibited a bit differently than you'd expect!

 

[DVS]

By "non-lifestyle" I don't mean "occasional" - I mean "only during sex." Maybe it's because I'm a bit switchy and enjoy both sides of power play, but I'm not the type to enjoy non-sexual submission or dominance much. This doesn't seem to be very common, or perhaps I'm simply talking to the wrong people or using the wrong words. I'm hoping you lovely Lit folks can shed some light on this.

When I'm dominating a man, I love to hear him beg. I love to make him whimper, and plead, and call me Mistress, and obey me. But I don't tell him he's worthless, and I don't act as though I don't want him. I praise him for being such a good fucktoy for me, and punish him when he isn't, but I don't act as though I don't value his submission. So I suppose I treat submissive men a bit differently from a lot of Dommes even in bed. When I'm being submissive, I take a bit of conquering too. I enjoy earning my power and making him earn his.

But outside of bed, i.e., in a relationship, I want someone who will keep up with me and not try to control me, or expect me to control him. I really do want an equal - just one I can dominate or who will dominate me sexually. How unusual is this, exactly?

I'd really appreciate some discussion. Please don't tell me that perhaps I'm vanilla, though. I know what I enjoy sexually and only the very broadest of definitions could even consider calling it vanilla.

Aside from the fact that I'm a male dominant and don't submit, we are about the same in how we treat a submissive.

Outside of the bedroom or sexual realm, I consider my submissive to be an equal, an adult with a brain. I prefer an equal for conversation and other interaction when we are together. I open doors for her, and let her go through them first. I don't make all of the decision or choices for us as a couple, like what movie to see or what restaurant to go to...the day to day things. I'd say I seem almost vanilla, when not in the context of a sexual scene.

In my sex life, I'm very dominant and really don't even enjoy vanilla sex that much. I really prefer to add something kinky to make it more interesting. Bondage, spanking, anal and electroplay are a few of my favorite kinks. I might seem vanilla in parts of my life, but when it comes to my sexual enjoyment, I'm totally dominant.

It's no big deal, if someone wants to be dominant or submissive 24/7, but it's equally no big deal if someone wants to keep their kink in the bedroom. It's just a choice and that's a very big part of BDSM. Nothing is just black or white. The whole scene is gray. Whatever works for you, that's what you do. Your only problem is finding someone else who feels as you do, but once you have, you both can evolve together. No, you're not vanilla.

 

[Stella_Omega]

IMO, your desires are far more the norm than all the stuff you hear about. I know a number of lifestyle Doms and Dommes, and subs and slaves-- but most of us think of BDSM as our sexual preference, not as our relationship preference. IMO, a lot of lifestyle types become so simply because they are, in fact, flirting sexually-- referencing their sexuality in regular life.

Or something like that.

 

[satindesire]

I think most people would classify you as a "service switch" or someone who plays with sensation during sex in both a giving and a receiving position occasionally.

There's also the possibility that you might call yourself a "bottom" or a "top" in certain situations, rather than a sub/Dom(me) or a slave/Master(Mistress).

Generally speaking, the deeper the level of giving/recieving power, the more "serious" the names get, in terms of emotive responses that most people get when reading it.

I personally think what you're doing is fine, you and your partner(s) is/are having fun and everything's good and perfectly normal. Don't worry about what other people might think about you, or label you as...label YOURSELF secure in the knowledge that only you know who you are.

 

[Mz_Cunningham]

So I suppose I treat submissive men a bit differently from a lot of Dommes even in bed. .

I have a real problem with this sentence.

Why do you assume that a lot of Dommes treat their submissives differently to you? There are many many people who don't enjoy humiliation. There are many people who don't enjoy pain.

So yes, you're not vanilla, you're just not unique

 

[Stella_Omega]

Why do you assume that a lot of Dommes treat their submissives differently to you? There are many many people who don't enjoy humiliation. ...

Because that's the way the received wisdom says it.

 

[CutieMouse]

By "non-lifestyle" I don't mean "occasional" - I mean "only during sex."

See that's fascinating to me, because in my world "lifestyle BDSM" = people who go to munches, or do the public dungeon/play space thing, or attend conferences, or run for titles (Master of the Year/Bootblack of the year/etc), or actively work to evoke societal change re: BDSM.

Maybe it's because I'm a bit switchy and enjoy both sides of power play, but I'm not the type to enjoy non-sexual submission or dominance much.

I'd define that as bedroom D/s, or not 24/7, or maybe that you're into the sexual aspect of things, rather than the service aspect.

This doesn't seem to be very common, or perhaps I'm simply talking to the wrong people or using the wrong words. I'm hoping you lovely Lit folks can shed some light on this.

And I'd argue that there are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more people running about in BDSM circles whose dynamic is rigidly contained to the bedroom.

When I'm dominating a man, I love to hear him beg. I love to make him whimper, and plead, and call me Mistress, and obey me. But I don't tell him he's worthless, and I don't act as though I don't want him. I praise him for being such a good fucktoy for me, and punish him when he isn't, but I don't act as though I don't value his submission.

Where did you get the idea that the bolded bit above was the norm? I'm going to guess FemDomme Erotica, online personals ads, and cybersex? For the most part, those aren't "real".

So I suppose I treat submissive men a bit differently from a lot of Dommes even in bed. When I'm being submissive, I take a bit of conquering too. I enjoy earning my power and making him earn his.

I'd argue from reading other people's relationships (on forums) over the last 10 years or so, you're way of doing things is quite common.

But outside of bed, i.e., in a relationship, I want someone who will keep up with me and not try to control me, or expect me to control him. I really do want an equal - just one I can dominate or who will dominate me sexually. How unusual is this, exactly?

Not very.

I'd really appreciate some discussion. Please don't tell me that perhaps I'm vanilla, though. I know what I enjoy sexually and only the very broadest of definitions could even consider calling it vanilla.

IMO there is no such thing as "vanilla".

 

[Kojote]

I'm hoping you lovely Lit folks can shed some light on this.

I can see where you're coming from.
I think I've been there, too.

Before I discovered this part of the Lit community I had a rather narrow perspective of BDSM. I met some people and didn’t find anything appealing in what they told me about how they life their kinks. And I almost never found any stories in the net that came even close to acceptable descriptions for me.
I could only guess that some of my deeper thoughts might have similarities with some aspects of BDSM lifestyle. But in fact I chose to dissociate from it because it appeared to be so rigid...

It was here that I learned how broad the span can be. And that there is room for almost every combination of vanilla and kink in lifestyle and sex in so called BDSM.
In fact I developed the totally crazy point of view that somehow almost everybody fancying some kinks in bed or outside could consider him/herself part of this community of people.
BDSM (in the Lit-version) became some kind of synonym for a community of open minded people who won't tell you that you are sick because you like whatever.

What I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t listen to people calling whatever you do ‘untrue BDSM’.
Your kinks associate well with normal kinks over here and therefore you are at the right place to discuss it in depth.
The way you live and fuck isn’t to be contested by everyone, ever. If it works for you never listen to anybody who tries to tell you it shouldn’t or couldn’t.

(Again one of those days I’m tired enough to ask myself if the things I tried to say make any sense after translating my thoughts to English…)

 

[djhindy]

But outside of bed, i.e., in a relationship, I want someone who will keep up with me and not try to control me, or expect me to control him. I really do want an equal - just one I can dominate or who will dominate me sexually. How unusual is this, exactly?

This is exactly how i feel. couldn't agree more. I want to be a woman's knight in shining armor by day, and her sex toy by night, lol.

 

[Cobalt87]

But outside of bed, i.e., in a relationship, I want someone who will keep up with me and not try to control me, or expect me to control him. I really do want an equal - just one I can dominate or who will dominate me sexually. How unusual is this, exactly?

I'd really appreciate some discussion. Please don't tell me that perhaps I'm vanilla, though. I know what I enjoy sexually and only the very broadest of definitions could even consider calling it vanilla.

I’m glad you posted this as I was wondering the same thing as I’m in the same boat as you. Being a mostly submissive guy, I’d love to be in a relationship with a dominant woman who’s into fun and kinky stuff. However, outside of the bedroom I want a “normal” loving relationship. For example, I’ve come across a couple websites where women had submissive guys working as their “slave” cleaning around the house, doing errands, etc. That’s something I wouldn’t find very appealing.

 

[Wizard]

See that's fascinating to me, because in my world "lifestyle BDSM" = people who go to munches, or do the public dungeon/play space thing, or attend conferences, or run for titles (Master of the Year/Bootblack of the year/etc), or actively work to evoke societal change re: BDSM.



I'd define that as bedroom D/s, or not 24/7, or maybe that you're into the sexual aspect of things, rather than the service aspect.



And I'd argue that there are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more people running about in BDSM circles whose dynamic is rigidly contained to the bedroom.



Where did you get the idea that the bolded bit above was the norm? I'm going to guess FemDomme Erotica, online personals ads, and cybersex? For the most part, those aren't "real".



I'd argue from reading other people's relationships (on forums) over the last 10 years or so, you're way of doing things is quite common.



Not very.



IMO there is no such thing as "vanilla".

Very well done.

 

[Wizard]

Labels never worked in the Bdsm world...

 

[Stella_Omega]

I’m glad you posted this as I was wondering the same thing as I’m in the same boat as you. Being a mostly submissive guy, I’d love to be in a relationship with a dominant woman who’s into fun and kinky stuff. However, outside of the bedroom I want a “normal” loving relationship. For example, I’ve come across a couple websites where women had submissive guys working as their “slave” cleaning around the house, doing errands, etc. That’s something I wouldn’t find very appealing.

What kind of "submissive in the bedroom" do you want to be?

 

[Licia]

My hubby is submissive in the bedroom, and our play leaks into regular life. We prefer to be as happy and healthy as humanly possible. We share finances and children. Humiliation only hurts if it's used to degrade someone in a negative manner. Done correctly, it adds fuel to the fire. *shrugs* The entire family has household responsibilities; we all work together to make life easier.

I think you're quite normal, but definitely not vanilla.

 

[Blase]

(Again one of those days I’m tired enough to ask myself if the things I tried to say make any sense after translating my thoughts to English…)

Your thoughts translate just fine, Kojote. I would never have guessed that English wasn't your native language.

 

[georgeoralwell]

This has been interesting & illuminating thread for me. Just starting down this road, but can't imagine it ever escaping from the bedroom (metaphorically that is; absolutely hope it will literally). I'm having to learn on the job I don't think I'm a born dom, but in getting the hang of it.

One thing I have been wondering is if rather than a simple switch - like toggling from dom to sub - there might be a continuum or hierarchy. I'm dom to my beautiful sub partner, but pretty submissive myself. I guess this can't be uncommon, but don't see a lot written. I have a fantasy about both of us being controlled by someone else (which as of last night she now knows and is not averse to in theory ) not sure if we'd be equally sub in this scenario or if the hierarchy would be maintained.

 

[LucyH]

You sound pretty normal to me, too, Christina.

However, I would guess that on average people who view BDSM as a lifestyle spend more time posting things online about it than people who just think it's fun in bed.

Also, I think people may enjoy reading or writing stories about things they don't really want to do. Sometimes an idea can seem appealing to people when they're in a mood ( 24/7 lifestyle BDSM, finding someone for a 3-some, posting the dirty pictures they just took online etc...), but then not seem interesting or like a good idea when they calm down.

 

[Cobalt87]

What kind of "submissive in the bedroom" do you want to be?

I’d like to be the person following orders, as a woman who in the initiator/seducer is very appealing. For example, a big fantasy of mine would be coming home to my future girlfriend/wife who is dressed in a latex dominatrix outfit, having her grab me, throw me down on the bed and use me as her fucktoy. Likewise, I’d really like to explore a lot of BDSM stuff like bondage, facesitting, spanking, body worship, strapon play, etc. For me, not knowing what my partner is going to want me to do or do to me next seems very appealing, as is pleasing someone.

I’m glad to see that the consensus here thus far is that having a “normal” relationship with a BDSM related sex life is perfectly common. I’ll be the first admit I’m very naïve with this area, and my biggest concern has been meeting someone who shares similar sexual interests but won’t work well in other areas of my lifestyle. By far the most important thing to me is being with someone who I can raise a nice family with, is faithful and has a good head on her shoulders.

 

[Loverskitten]

This thread describes what I want exactly!
New to this forum (my first post actually) found it when my new lover wrote me poems and erotic stories (I wish he'd submit some) He calls himself a Loving Dom. I'm very dominate by nature but his manliness completely turns me on! If I get bratty and tease too much he puts his foot down (and I love it!) I enjoy his spankings, role play and many other kinky things ... But he also loves to serve me and praise me when I've been a "good girl" swoon!
I was reading the thread "marks of a slave" and how these men treat women on a daily basis made me sick to my stomach and was the farthest thing from a turn on to me.
I too was looking for where I fit in, as I KNOW, some things I'm into would be far from a turn on to others.
When I remembered a text I got from my Lover today
"I want your body as my toy...and your mind as my love."
AND THAT SAYS IT ALL FOR ME!

 

[Loverskitten]

IMO there is no such thing as "vanilla".

Haha you haven't met some of my exes... YAWN

 

[Joe6pack]

Just found this thread and I think it's pretty interesting. Here's my take. Anytime, you get two people in a room, one is probably going to be more dominant than the other. That's just the way it is. So, just because a person is dominant in their outside life doesn't mean they can't be submissive in the bedroom - especially if their partner is that much more dominant. I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that I'm probably the bottom in this relationship. A doesn't like to be told what to do and that includes in the bedroom. I'm just noticing that I ask permission a lot in our relationship. At work, I'm the man.

I see a lot of posts from guys asking "how do I get her to do this or that?". And I think, have you ever considered that she might be the one in charge given the evidence.

Another thing I noticed is that 99% of the photos on the BDSM photo thread are of women being dominated. I guess that's generally the norm. Or, most guys don't want to admit that they are submissive to their wives. They probably think it makes them wimps. Or, maybe they spend all day being dominant and want a "switch" at home.

 

[pooh0606]

I really don't do a whole lot of posting on this forum but this one really does speak true with me. I have been married for 8 years (yes 8) and we have been playing with the kinks of bdsm. It wasn't until recently that I have kind did one of those came out the closet moments where I literally told my husband that I want him to be completely in control when we are in the bedroom. Yes things have been quite exciting in my house. Anyways, I think what you are expierencing is your take on BDSM. People have been so wrapped up in the 24/7 part of the lifestyle that those forget that it is only a part of the full spectrum of what the bdsm world is. I know that I am not the greatest of expert and really don't want to come off as one. I just felt like adding my own two cent.

 

[dragonkin112]

This has been interesting & illuminating thread for me. Just starting down this road, but can't imagine it ever escaping from the bedroom (metaphorically that is; absolutely hope it will literally). I'm having to learn on the job I don't think I'm a born dom, but in getting the hang of it.

One thing I have been wondering is if rather than a simple switch - like toggling from dom to sub - there might be a continuum or hierarchy. I'm dom to my beautiful sub partner, but pretty submissive myself. I guess this can't be uncommon, but don't see a lot written. I have a fantasy about both of us being controlled by someone else (which as of last night she now knows and is not averse to in theory ) not sure if we'd be equally sub in this scenario or if the hierarchy would be maintained.

There is most definitely a hierarchy. I'm what might be called a switch under normal circumstances or possibly a middle. My master and I are looking into adding another girl to our relationship, one who would be below me and call him master and me mistress. So at the same time I would be submissive to him but dominant to her. Thus why I would be a "middle" instead of a switch.

Also relating to the original topic. He and I have 'codewords' that signal the switch from an equal relationship to a dom/sub relationship. He doesn't usually have me submit unless we are doing something 'bedroom' related, but occasionally, he will, just to have me in that mindset to talk or what not. He also -never- degrades or humiliates me, in fact, he has actually built up my self-esteem a great deal. I know absolutely that I am my master's most precious possession. Our exchange is my service and submission for his care, but I also know that I am his girlfriend first and his pet second.

 

[His_pet_slut]

There is most definitely a hierarchy. I'm what might be called a switch under normal circumstances or possibly a middle. My master and I are looking into adding another girl to our relationship, one who would be below me and call him master and me mistress. So at the same time I would be submissive to him but dominant to her. Thus why I would be a "middle" instead of a switch.

Also relating to the original topic. He and I have 'codewords' that signal the switch from an equal relationship to a dom/sub relationship. He doesn't usually have me submit unless we are doing something 'bedroom' related, but occasionally, he will, just to have me in that mindset to talk or what not. He also -never- degrades or humiliates me, in fact, he has actually built up my self-esteem a great deal. I know absolutely that I am my master's most precious possession. Our exchange is my service and submission for his care, but I also know that I am his girlfriend first and his pet second.

What you are referring to as 'middle' in the context of adding another person into the mix is often called an 'alpha sub'.