How do i get past this?

[leyna]

Long story - will try to make it short:
HWHMMLWL has an almost Herculean ability to control his orgasms - he can stay hard for hours on end and will only stop cause neither of us can breathe anymore. We can be going at it then take a break and go at it more - for days. He still doesn't cum! He says sometimes stress will hold him back and other times it's because he holds back to much and then "can't".
I have to say that this makes me a little uneasy, confused, and somewhat inadequate.
Anyone care to explain or offer opinions?
Could it be an age thing (40's)?

 

[SweetErika]

Is he on any medications?

Have you told him that you'd much rather have him relax and come as his body dictates? He may not be able to control the stress (assuming he's already exercising regularly, eating and sleeping well, not turning to alcohol/drugs, etc.), but he certainly can control whether or not he holds back. Some men are so worried about coming too quickly that they jinx themselves into delaying it way too long or not coming at all. I'd be curious to know if he experiences the same thing while masturbating.

 

[leyna]

Is he on any medications?

Have you told him that you'd much rather have him relax and come as his body dictates? He may not be able to control the stress (assuming he's already exercising regularly, eating and sleeping well, not turning to alcohol/drugs, etc.), but he certainly can control whether or not he holds back. Some men are so worried about coming too quickly that they jinx themselves into delaying it way too long or not coming at all. I'd be curious to know if he experiences the same thing while masturbating.

He IS on thyroid meds - which i have read might have some effect.
He says he's used to it - been like this for years.
He is extremely health conscious and works out regularly.
I just have to wrap my head around this not being "goal oriented"

ETA: sometimes it's stress and sometimes it's the holding back
-he SAYS it doesn't bother him, so i don't want to put added pressure on him by focusing too much on the "outcome" (*giggling at pun*)

 

[IrisAlthea]

Ha! The search actually cooperated for once.
Old and long thread but I think you might find it useful:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=436328

 

[DrHappy]

If I'm reading you correctly, it sound like he has difficulty achieving an orgasm. Some guys have no problems with erections, thought they still may have problems going over the edge to an orgasm. I'm 40 something, and I can be this way from time to time. I've been this way for a very long time as well. Certain medications can make it more difficult. At times, it can be a great asset. Others times, it can be a frustrating inconvenience.

I have also noticed that prolonged sex without an orgasm have sometimes make it more difficult once I decide to go there. It's like something gets too tired. The solution is typically to take a short break from stimulation. Sometimes, all it takes is to change positions (missionary <=> doggie), or changing the type of stimulation (oral, handjob, etc...).

It has nothing to do with you. Just treat it the same way as you would want him to treat you if you were having a "performance" difficulty with lubrication or orgasm. Have a good time no matter what.

 

[leyna]

If I'm reading you correctly, it sound like he has difficulty achieving an orgasm. Some guys have no problems with erections, thought they still may have problems going over the edge to an orgasm. I'm 40 something, and I can be this way from time to time. I've been this way for a very long time as well. Certain medications can make it more difficult. At times, it can be a great asset. Others times, it can be a frustrating inconvenience.

I have also noticed that prolonged sex without an orgasm have sometimes make it more difficult once I decide to go there. It's like something gets too tired. The solution is typically to take a short break from stimulation. Sometimes, all it takes is to change positions (missionary <=> doggie), or changing the type of stimulation (oral, handjob, etc...).

It has nothing to do with you. Just treat it the same way as you would want him to treat you if you were having a "performance" difficulty with lubrication or orgasm. Have a good time no matter what.

Thanks for the male perspective
I'm really just trying to get to a place where I don't base my value on whether it happens or not. I want to just enjoy the journey and forget about the destination. But i start to feel guilty...

 

[Texguy84]

I've got the same issue, or maybe it's more accurate to say I used to. I still don't usually come easily or quickly, but it used to be I couldn't come at all. You can imagine how for a 20-something year old guy this is initially awesome, then a bit confusing.

It wasn't like I was getting blue-balls or anything, by the time we stopped, we were both exhausted anyways and I could still fall asleep happy (helped that what we had been doing in the mean time was a lot of fun anyways). Mostly, I have to just stop thinking about it. Go all rutting animal instinct about it. Which kinda goes against my normal style which involves a lot of positioning and teasing and dialogue.

Ah well, it works. If he's not stressing about it, you should try not to as well. Maybe just suggest that he stop thinking about it and just go with it on a reptile-back-brain instinctive level. That of course assumes that his issue is the same as my issue (i.e.: I think too much)

 

[leyna]

i honestly think that at this point i worry more about it than he does

 

[SweetErika]

i honestly think that at this point i worry more about it than he does

I can see that. On the very rare occasions that my husband takes much longer than usual to get aroused or come, I tend to take it personally, even if I know he's tired or stressed or whatever. I know he feels the same way about my arousal and orgasms, though that's easier to write off as a gender thing.

Maybe the main thing for you is to change how you view it, try to make the most of it, relax, and encourage him to relax and let go whenever he's ready, just so there's no extra pressure.

 

[leyna]

I can see that. On the very rare occasions that my husband takes much longer than usual to get aroused or come, I tend to take it personally, even if I know he's tired or stressed or whatever. I know he feels the same way about my arousal and orgasms, though that's easier to write off as a gender thing.

Maybe the main thing for you is to change how you view it, try to make the most of it, relax, and encourage him to relax and let go whenever he's ready, just so there's no extra pressure.

i honestly don't mention it, but i think he senses when i am "on a mission"

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

Long story - will try to make it short:
HWHMMLWL has an almost Herculean ability to control his orgasms - he can stay hard for hours on end and will only stop cause neither of us can breathe anymore. We can be going at it then take a break and go at it more - for days. He still doesn't cum! He says sometimes stress will hold him back and other times it's because he holds back to much and then "can't".
I have to say that this makes me a little uneasy, confused, and somewhat inadequate.
Anyone care to explain or offer opinions?
Could it be an age thing (40's)?

Ask him what the fuck is wrong with him! Doesn't he know the whole point of fucking for a guy is to cum? Intercourse in not an Olympic sport you know.

Maybe his plumbing is clogged up or something.

 

[leyna]

Ask him what the fuck is wrong with him! Doesn't he know the whole point of fucking for a guy is to cum? Intercourse in not an Olympic sport you know.

Maybe his plumbing is clogged up or something.

ND - i truly do not mind the marathons I am a VERY happy, satisfied girl
i just start to feel guilty when i win so many more times than he does; like playing tic-tac-toe with a 3 year old

 

[Texguy84]

ND - i truly do not mind the marathons I am a VERY happy, satisfied girl
i just start to feel guilty when i win so many more times than he does; like playing tic-tac-toe with a 3 year old

Quick, change that to say eighteen... Oh, tic tac toe. Nevermind.

Carry on.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

ND - i truly do not mind the marathons I am a VERY happy, satisfied girl
i just start to feel guilty when i win so many more times than he does; like playing tic-tac-toe with a 3 year old

Well in that case, he should at least have the decency to fake it.

Either that, or you might try renting him out. There are a lot of women who would pay well for that kind of toy.

 

[removed021712]

I have gotten to the point that I can pretty much cum only when I decide to. I did this over time because I thought my partners (now my wife) would LOVE it and I learned that many of them felt as you did.

As far as you feeling guilty for climaxing so many more times than him, in my case, that is ENTIRELY the point and if he has said he's ok with this, just accept it and enjoy it. I also feel that the journey is FAR superior to the detination, I mean, I love to cum and it feels great but, I far to prefer to hold right on that edge for 30, 60 minutes or more which builds to an orgasm which is completely draining and explosive. I will always prefer one of these to three "ho-hum" orgasms.....

I only share my perspective because it sounds like his might be the same. You say it bothers youo more than he, you say you are satisfied, he's not complaining...what's the problem?

 

[leyna]

I have gotten to the point that I can pretty much cum only when I decide to. I did this over time because I thought my partners (now my wife) would LOVE it and I learned that many of them felt as you did.

As far as you feeling guilty for climaxing so many more times than him, in my case, that is ENTIRELY the point and if he has said he's ok with this, just accept it and enjoy it. I also feel that the journey is FAR superior to the detination, I mean, I love to cum and it feels great but, I far to prefer to hold right on that edge for 30, 60 minutes or more which builds to an orgasm which is completely draining and explosive. I will always prefer one of these to three "ho-hum" orgasms.....

I only share my perspective because it sounds like his might be the same. You say it bothers youo more than he, you say you are satisfied, he's not complaining...what's the problem?

Guilt
this can go on for weeks

 

[removed021712]

Guilt
this can go on for weeks

Again, I asked if this is what he wanted? If it is, what have you to be guilty for? In my case, it is exact;y what I want. It sounds like it is for him, as well.

 

[Very_Bad_Man]

Sounds like tantric sex without trying.

 

[leyna]

Again, I asked if this is what he wanted? If it is, what have you to be guilty for? In my case, it is exact;y what I want. It sounds like it is for him, as well.

sometimes yes, sometimes no - sometimes he does it intentionally and sometimes stress mentally blocks it
so i can't really answer that question with any authority - and certainly don't want to make it an "issue" (LOL i kill myself - rotfl)

Sounds like tantric sex without trying.

funny you should mention that - i have looked into the possibility, but isn't it more of a mutual thing?

 

[CutieMouse]

Guilt
this can go on for weeks

What do you feel guilty about? That you climax and he doesn't?

 

[leyna]

What do you feel guilty about? That you climax and he doesn't?

many, many times - yes.

 

[CutieMouse]

many, many times - yes.

It sounds like you feel like you might need his ejaculation/climax to believe he's enjoying himself/you/sex. Like you see your climaxes as physical proof that you're enjoying yourself, so without similar "proof" from him it's hard to believe he's enjoying himself.

It also sounds like he's comfortable with his sexuality... so what's up with the guilt? Where's that coming from?

 

[leyna]

It sounds like you feel like you might need his ejaculation/climax to believe he's enjoying himself/you/sex. Like you see your climaxes as physical proof that you're enjoying yourself, so without similar "proof" from him it's hard to believe he's enjoying himself.

It also sounds like he's comfortable with his sexuality... so what's up with the guilt? Where's that coming from?

good question.
i wouldn't even know where to begin to try to find the answer to that.

 

[NomadLady]

I've had this same thing happen and it took me some time to "get over" that it wasn't for my lack of trying.....it's just that sometimes it doesn't happen as fast as others and even sometimes not at all.
Patience is a virtue with this situation and no don't feel guilty if you are having more orgasms that he is. I'm sure he is loving getting you off over and over and if he is worried (in the least) in the back of his mind that he is supposed to keep up with your orgasm count he will feel inferior at some point and that will just make the problem worse. If you've talked it out and he isn't holding back and is happy with the way things are, work on keeping him relaxed so he is in the proper head space so it can happen naturally...
It did take me awhile to accept it as well.

 

[leyna]

I've had this same thing happen and it took me some time to "get over" that it wasn't for my lack of trying.....it's just that sometimes it doesn't happen as fast as others and even sometimes not at all.
Patience is a virtue with this situation and no don't feel guilty if you are having more orgasms that he is. I'm sure he is loving getting you off over and over and if he is worried (in the least) in the back of his mind that he is supposed to keep up with your orgasm count he will feel inferior at some point and that will just make the problem worse. If you've talked it out and he isn't holding back and is happy with the way things are, work on keeping him relaxed so he is in the proper head space so it can happen naturally...
It did take me awhile to accept it as well.

THANK YOU!
Can i ask if there was anything in particular that helped you to let go of it?