A question regarding punishment

[kimuk]

I broke a promise which has angered my Dom and put him at some risk.

I did it because I was a horny bitch and did not understand the implications of my actions.

My punishmnet is no contact for a given period of time.

My view is that we need to talk about it to prevent me making the same mistake again. That lack of contact and the inablilty to ask for forgivness is not a productive way of sorting the problem. But maybe I'm just smarting from his decision.

Any physical punishment or Humiliation would have been better. So i supose he has used no contact because he knows it will cause the most pain?

I fear that he won't come back. I'm hoping that's just my paranoia. But I know i will be wary of discussing my failings in the future in case I incure the same thing again . Surely that's not productive?

Yes i know we need to talk about it . But that is not an option at present.

Its shit when you screw such a good thing up and fear that nothing will ever be the same again.

 

[CutieMouse]

Removal of contact is a somewhat common "punishment" withing D/s dynamics. The usefulness/health of said action is debatable.

It sounds like you were giving a definite time frame for silence; I'd suggest utilizing the time to reflect on yourself and the relationship, so that when you are speaking again you are prepared to have a calm, rational, mature discussion of the situation [that led up to the temporary banishment] and discuss how to avoid such issues in the future.

 

[kimuk]

Am already doing some research about what i did wrong . Reflection is 24/7 at the moment. Calm is a place I'm seeking. I'm hoping its somwhere between turmoil and fear.

I behaved like a child and a very selfish one at that.

 

[kimuk]

The thing is I want to open and honest with him, but now I'll be reticent about what i say for fear of incurring the same thing again.

Surely you shouldnt feel like that?

 

[HottieMama]

Removal of contact as a punishment is actually a hard-limit for me. I think it's horribly ineffective. (then again, I don't much believe in a punishment dynamic to begin with.)

But I know i will be wary of discussing my failings in the future in case I incure the same thing again .

This is what I essentially see as the problem with the silent treatment and with punishment in general. How easy is it for most people to admit that they have made a mistake in a relationship? Not very, in my opinion. Combine that inherent fear with the fear of punishment, and it's too easy to fall into the trap of lies and deceit. I wold much rather be able to discuss things one on one, discuss what I/we are going to do to keep it from happening again, and move the fuck on...

 

[CutieMouse]

The thing is I want to open and honest with him, but now I'll be reticent about what i say for fear of incurring the same thing again.

Surely you shouldnt feel like that?

So when you are talking again, you explain that a withdrawal of contact limits your ability to be open and honest *out of fear for future withdrawal*. And you discuss not only whatever it is he feels you did wrong, but the impact/fallout of his punishment and how issues will be dealt with in the future.

If withdrawal becomes a hard limit (as it is with HM), it becomes a hard limit.

Personally, if there's an issue that has pissed my lover off to the point they can't have a rational conversation, I'm totally cool with an hour or two (or even a whole day) to cool off before we discuss things. If it's an issue of "OMG I shall bring down upon you the ultimate punishment of SILENCE {echoechoecho] because you have DISAPPOINTED ME [fucked up/did something stupid that pissed me off]!!!"... that results in a serious loss of respect on my part, and odds are good I won't see the man the same or take him seriously again for a very long time [if ever].

 

[HottieMama]

Personally, if there's an issue that has pissed my lover off to the point they can't have a rational conversation, I'm totally cool with an hour or two (or even a whole day) to cool off before we discuss things. If it's an issue of "OMG I shall bring down upon you the ultimate punishment of SILENCE {echoechoecho] because you have DISAPPOINTED ME [fucked up/did something stupid that pissed me off]!!!"... that results in a serious loss of respect on my part, and odds are good I won't see the man the same or take him seriously again for a very long time [if ever].

CM... Exactly. If someone needs a cooling off period of a few hours or a day that's fine. We all need a "time out" now and again. It's when the silent treatment is used as the "Almighty Wrath Of His Domly Highness" that I have a huge issue with it.

 

[Teaser_Girl]

I ran into this as well. I tried to discuss that lack of contact was something I was unable to handle. I have abandonment issues. No contact makes me pull away immediately and I refuse to open up anymore. Unfortunately, I got a less than helpful response. He just told me to "not let it affect me like that". And that would be a big reason that didn't last long.

 

[kimuk]

I just see no benifit in it make except for him to make his point. If the basis of a good D/s relationship is discussion then if I have no say in it dosent that take the consent part of it out of the equation?

If he wants open honesty then surely this defeats the object?

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I have used the no communication as punishment before. When you are in LDR it's one of the few punishments that you have control over. It's not the same to tell the sub to do X to herself as punishment because it does not come from my hand personally.

I only did the no communication a few times and the longest was a day at the most.

I would usually tell the sub to write me an e-mail during that time about what she did, why she did it, how she could fix it, how she could prevent it from happening in the future, etc.

Maybe you could do the same? Did he say you couldn't communicate with him or just that HE wasn't going to communicate to you?

I just see no benifit in it make except for him to make his point. If the basis of a good D/s relationship is discussion then if I have no say in it dosent that take the consent part of it out of the equation?

If he wants open honesty then surely this defeats the object?

I don't see no communication for a defined period as no discussion ever about anything. If when the punishment is done and he says ok let's move on and doesn't discuss it, then yes you are correct. But I would suspect there would be a long discussion about everything once the punishment is over.

 

[eastern sun]

Fortunately, or unfortunately, lack of contact can be a very effective punishment because it always succeeds in communicating that you've made a "big mistake." It's possible that those other punishments you would prefer are not really punishments at all, even if they do succeed in making you uncomfortable.

I suggest using this time to take a look at what you want out of this relationship. If he's offering it to you overall, then I would seriously consider the reasons he gave you the punishment, and take whatever action you can to amend the situation once contact is restored.

Otherwise, the lack of contact will become what you really fear - the end of the relationship. If the relationship is valuable to you, remember that you signed up for it.

CutieMouse is right in suggesting that you tell him how it made you feel. But think too, during this "time out," about the real reasons why you broke the promise to him. And why you would withhold information from him in the future in light of this punishment.

If it is because you "want to do what you want to do irregardless of the commitments you've made," then you should consider the nature of the relationship you're looking for and the nature of the commitments you make. Maybe too you want to punish him now.

You are completely free to change your ideas about what you want. You might be in the process of discovering firsthand what you really want vs. what you thought you wanted.

All of this is part of the journey.

 

[kimuk]

He said he wouldnt be in touch for a defined period of time. I have thought about the sort of e mail you describe. In fact i've written it over and over in my head. It wont make the slience go away though will it?

The problem is i can feel myself withdrawing from him because I'm angry about it. I offered an explanation at the time which was ignorance of the impact my misdomenor could have possibly had on him. I thought i'd explained myself concisely . i had no intention of upsetting him. I just didnt understand the possible concequences of my actions.

So shut up and just wait?

 

[eastern sun]

Yes. I would shut up and just wait.

Or educate myself about the complexities of the situation you inadvertently put him in.

Or create something truly marvelous to give to him when he returns.

 

[kimuk]

""But think too, during this "time out," about the real reasons why you broke the promise to him. And why you would withhold information from him in the future in light of this punishmentIf it is because you "want to do what you want to do irregardless of the commitments you've made," then you should consider the nature of the relationship you're looking for and the nature of the commitments you make.""

My actions were purely selfish........ you have put things in perspective.

""When you are in LDR it's one of the few punishments that you have control over. It's not the same to tell the sub to do X to herself as punishment because it does not come from my hand personally"""

yes i understand there are few real "punishment " options in a LDR and he needed to make sure i understood his point

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Yes. I would shut up and just wait.

Or educate myself about the complexities of the situation you inadvertently put him in.

Or create something truly marvelous to give to him when he returns.

I agree.

I would want a sub who will not spend the time dwelling on the punishment or disappoint she may have created. I want a sub who will be proactive. Someone who will figure out what she did wrong, why she did it, and how she can fix it. So when we do start talking again she can lay it all out there and I know she spent the time wisely as intended when given this kind of punishment.

 

[kimuk]

I agree.

I would want a sub who will not spend the time dwelling on the punishment or disappoint she may have created. I want a sub who will be proactive. Someone who will figure out what she did wrong, why she did it, and how she can fix it. So when we do start talking again she can lay it all out there and I know she spent the time wisely as intended when given this kind of punishment.

Thanks to both of you.

i will turn this around . Not be defeated. Off to do the long e - mail . I have already read around the subject we have our differences about. So I;ll make him see that I've done my home work about the subject.

See I knew there would be good advice out there .

 

[welkin]

This question irks me a little...

What if the dom is the one who broke the promise and kim here is the one dishing out the silence treatment? Would people tell the dom "just shut up and think about what you did wrong"?

Breaking promise and finding ways to amend it, in my opinion, is not a bdsm problem but rather a relationship problem. I don't think the dom has any more excuse than a sub to disregard the fundamentals that make a relationship work -- namely communication in this case.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

You didn't say how *long* the no-contact provision would be in force. Hours, even a day, were mentioned by more than one poster above, but the only information you gave us about duration was "no contact for a given period of time." That could be hours, a day, days, a week, weeks, a month, etc.

Depending on the "given period of time," I think in an LDR, a no-contact provision can be an extremely effective not punishment, but *consequence* for misbehavior, whether that misbehavior was deliberate or inadvertent, as you describe yours ("I did it because I ... did not understand the implications of my actions.").

Even in a live-in relationship, a period of no contact can be an effective consequence, particularly if there is an assignment to reflect upon, and even journal or otherwise write about the misbehavior: why it was wrong, and how and why the pyl intends to avoid ever repeating that behavior.

The no-contact period, however, needs to NOT be excessive, as (I believe) the majority of pyls find it to be very hard to tolerate, whether from (previous) abandonment issues or "just" the separation from a loved and respected PYL. In most cases, in a live-in or immediate surroundings relationship where physical presence can be had with relative ease, I would generally consider anything more than two days to be excessive, and most often 24 hours would be pushing the boundaries. In an LDR, it would depend on the "normal" rate of communication, but I would think that three times the normal communication period (the average amount of time between communications {e-mails or IM/PM sessions}) would be sufficient for most offenses, and anything more than five times that period the upper limit.

YMMV, of course, and such consequences *should* be discussed and negotiated EARLY in the relationship... or, at the least, discussed and negotiated the first time such behavior and its associated consequences arise.

 

[kimuk]

You didn't say how *long* the no-contact provision would be in force. Hours, even a day, were mentioned by more than one poster above, but the only information you gave us about duration was "no contact for a given period of time." That could be hours, a day, days, a week, weeks, a month, etc.

Depending on the "given period of time," I think in an LDR, a no-contact provision can be an extremely effective not punishment, but *consequence* for misbehavior, whether that misbehavior was deliberate or inadvertent, as you describe yours ("I did it because I ... did not understand the implications of my actions.").

Even in a live-in relationship, a period of no contact can be an effective consequence, particularly if there is an assignment to reflect upon, and even journal or otherwise write about the misbehavior: why it was wrong, and how and why the pyl intends to avoid ever repeating that behavior.

The no-contact period, however, needs to NOT be excessive, as (I believe) the majority of pyls find it to be very hard to tolerate, whether from (previous) abandonment issues or "just" the separation from a loved and respected PYL. In most cases, in a live-in or immediate surroundings relationship where physical presence can be had with relative ease, I would generally consider anything more than two days to be excessive, and most often 24 hours would be pushing the boundaries. In an LDR, it would depend on the "normal" rate of communication, but I would think that three times the normal communication period (the average amount of time between communications {e-mails or IM/PM sessions}) would be sufficient for most offenses, and anything more than five times that period the upper limit.

YMMV, of course, and such consequences *should* be discussed and negotiated EARLY in the relationship... or, at the least, discussed and negotiated the first time such behavior and its associated consequences arise.

The no contact is for 3 days.

Our normal is texts throughout the day. IM 4 or 5 times a week. E mails when we cant IM. At least 1 telephone conversation a week.

I was warned about this "consequence" in advance. I dont remember ever agreeing to it but may be i have a selective memory at present.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I just see no benifit in it make except for him to make his point. If the basis of a good D/s relationship is discussion then if I have no say in it dosent that take the consent part of it out of the equation?

If he wants open honesty then surely this defeats the object?

Yes, it just might defeat the object.

Doms are just people, honestly, and they make as many mistakes as the rest of us. Very few of us -- regardless of their orientation -- know how to handle our own anger with someone who is important to us, and quite frankly-- men are more poorly supported in learning these skills this than women are.

These interpersonal issues just might be where I have my biggest doubts about Mdomming... about TPE in general

 

[kimuk]

Yes, it just might defeat the object.

Doms are just people, honestly, and they make as many mistakes as the rest of us. Very few of us -- regardless of their orientation -- know how to handle our own anger with someone who is important to us, and quite frankly-- men are more poorly supported in learning these skills this than women are.

These interpersonal issues just might be where I have my biggest doubts about Mdomming... about TPE in general

Well hes entitled to express himself in the way he sees fit . My anger has subsided . I just hope it dosent change things in the long term.

And the options in LDR are very limited. I respect his decision.

 

[CurvAppeal]

I don't know how certain Dom's can enforce that kind of punishment and be firm on it. When I care about a certain someone and love them very much I cannot go more than a day without at least saying one word.

How long is the punishment supposed to last?

 

[kimuk]

I don't know how certain Dom's can enforce that kind of punishment and be firm on it. When I care about a certain someone and love them very much I cannot go more than a day without at least saying one word.

How long is the punishment supposed to last?

It commenced last night and I wont hear form him again (by any means) until Wednesday. ( if he comes back)

 

[Sir_Winston54]

It commenced last night and I wont hear form him again (by any means) until Wednesday. ( if he comes back)

I think he probably will. At that point, you need to be ready to discuss with him all the issues raised above, and how you (the TWO of you) will deal with any instances of them in the future. And this time, perhaps it would be a good idea to take steps to ensure that your memory for that discussion is less selective.

 

[HottieMama]

( if he comes back)

And THIS is what I have a problem with in a nutshell. This type of punishment creates doubt (for me). Doubt creates fear. Fear creates lack of trust. Lack of trust, for ME, means the relationship is over...