Why is there so little honesty about sex?

[switchbitch]

Why is there so little honesty about sex?
There are so many threads that ask questions like ‘how do I get my girlfriend/wife to do….. to me? Or how do I make my boyfriend/husband more dominant/submissive?
There are so many that want to know how to connive or inveigle or manipulate a significant other to do or behave in a different way sexually. To me this is inherently dishonest either by omission or commission you are in effect lying to your partner. And worse by trying to manipulate the situation without honesty it feels the same as acting without consent.

Is it simple cowardice that prevents people asking for what they need openly and honestly?

Are so many people are afraid that someone may not be able to cope with their darkest desires?

Why is this so prevalent?

Why do so many find it difficult to be honest about their desires?

I understand a certain hesitancy when you are still experimenting and trying to find out what it is that you do or don't like, but if you do know what you like why hide it?
is it so difficult to say 'Darling I want you to fuck my arse'or 'sweetheart I need to be spanked hard'or even' that's not quite how I enjoy oral sex I can show you how I do'or any other particular desires that you have?

 

[culloden]

It seems prevalent here, but Lit is a limited sampling. Perhaps the questions are asked here simply because to people from outside, a sex-positive community might seem a logical place to ask. After all, someone here must know how to get blow jobs, threesomes, anal, penguins or what have you. And someone shallow enough to ask how to manipulate another into sex is probably also too shallow to look very deeply into this community. Many are probably surprised at the answers they get.

And perhaps these people are driven to ask these questions of strangers because the people who know them see through their manipulative natures and aren't inclined to give them what they want - sort of a reverse self-fulfilling prophecy.

The larger point is that I hope this sort of asshole isn't as common IRL as here.

 

[welkin]

How is this difficult to understand? One may be hesitant to speak up about a fetish for fear that their partner will be repelled by it (and consequently repelled by them). Not everyone is so lucky to have a GGG partner in Savage-speak. Sure that's not ideal, but many are willing (or think they are willing, at least) to hold back their kinks to preserve the status quo of love and affection. That's a personal choice, and should not be derided for since it does not arise from malice. And finally, do not take what you have -- sexual freedom and / or accommodating partner -- for granted.

As for why, where do I even start, sexism and feminism, religious doctrines, social norms...

 

[welkin]

I don't see this as manipulation. It may just be education or liberation. I remember when I thought oral sex was disgusting, daddy / daughter play disturbing, ... This list can go on and on... and would have nothing to do with them... And that's changed thankfully. Should I feel manipulated and deceived because someone was able to change my mind?

 

[redheadedtxn]

Master is the first lover I've ever had that I can tell him every dirty, naughty desire that's ever entered my head.

 

[switchbitch]

Master is the first lover I've ever had that I can tell him every dirty, naughty desire that's ever entered my head.

And isnt that the most wonderful liberating loving feeling?

 

[alyssawesome29]

Fear

I agree with welkin, the majority of the reason people are dishonest about what they want in sex with their partner/spouse is because they're scared they'll freak their partner out and it might cause the relationship to implode with the honesty.

This might sound lame, but I mean, look around at the people on lit. The majority of us already have insanely high sex drives, which is already a stumbling block in some relationships/marriages. Imagine Throwing in the fact that you want to get fucked in the ass with a strap-on (if you're a man) by your wife ... She could be so horribly disgusted that she moves out.

So, the problem here is fear. I believe in total disclosure too but I'm also very mature for 21, and if I brought up that I want to have my hands tied behind my back and for a guy I'm dating to slam his dick down my throat and call me a "dirty fucking slut" and slapping my face, I think I might not hear from him for a few weeks if not ever again haha. Just my two cents. Cheers to those who are able to have full disclosure, though.

 

[lovingthebeach]

Totally agree! It can be hard to tell your partner what you really want, because you have no idea how they will respond. I find watching porn in the bedroom can help in a relationship. It allows you to suggest things that might be uncomfortable for her to try otherwise.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I assume you are being rhetorical, switchbitch, because your questions answer themselves, merely in the way that you've worded them.

Is it simple cowardice that prevents people asking for what they need openly and honestly?

"cowardice' is a pretty damning word. "Fear" might be more compassionate, and there is nothing simple about fear.
And yes, people are terrified of making changes in relationships. Duh.

Are so many people are afraid that someone may not be able to cope with their darkest desires?

yes.

Why is this so prevalent?

It's prevalent because its prevalent. Just like so many women wear lipstick-- because so many women wear lipstick. it's normative.

Why do so many find it difficult to be honest about their desires?

Because it's terrifying.

I understand a certain hesitancy when you are still experimenting and trying to find out what it is that you do or don't like, but if you do know what you like why hide it?

Because opening up about it can upset the balance of a relationship.

is it so difficult to say 'Darling I want you to fuck my arse'or 'sweetheart I need to be spanked hard'or even' that's not quite how I enjoy oral sex I can show you how I do'or any other particular desires that you have?

Yes, it most certainly is very difficult.

For instance about a year ago, I talked with my family about going into gender transition.

My kids are okay with this.

My husband's first words were; "Well, I've known since the day I met you, you told me that you were a guy on the inside. But I'm not gay. And the divorce..."

I gave him material to look at, and he mostly refused to do any research on my account. He withheld sex for months. He refused to talk about anything-- family matters, my preferences, if I was giving him driving directions and I said "turn left" he'd turn right.

At one point he said; "Well, who would I be married to?"

I said "the same person you've lived with for more than thirty years-- Who might feel better about themselves if their outsides and insides matched up a little bit more."

He said "well, I wouldn't feel better."

So it was all about him.

We are still rebuilding trust and balance, a year later. I am still extremely hurt, angry, discouraged. A divorce is still a possibility.

Now admittedly, gender reassignment is way out there in the scheme of things. but we are already open about sex-- or so I had thought.

There's always something, and someone else's something might be a lot smaller than mine but loom absolutely as large for them.

You all think I'm pretty brave putting myself out there? I'm no braver than anyone else, and there are things that I'm too *cough*cowardly*cough* to face.

 

[reachedme]

there are different forms of cowardice
I used to box I was 6 to 8 inches shorter than most in my weight division (middleweight) I was never frightened I once worked one of the hardest men in australia I was never scared of him though I probably should have been
The problem was I loved my family and my father was a homophobe and no matter what people say family is realy important to me anyway
two days ago my son came out, I love him, proud of him and will support him but I will not tell him about myself
I am still trying to find myself

 

[Stella_Omega]

reachedme

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't think people are dishonest just about sex, nor do I think it is specific to Literotica posters (some of those posting about wantong something else are not regular posters and are osting for the first time, so obviously not 'Lit people'), I think many people in general are dishonest about any number of things, often without any need to be.

That being said, sexuality issues can be difficult to be totally open about for some, for a variety of reasons. It can be as simple as coming from a repressed background where you were made to feel anything you might feel or desire sexually was proof you were not a good person; or an experience where a partner has made fun of something you expressed; or just a difficulty in trusting another with something so intimate and personal.

For me, I have always been very open with those close to me who I felt I could trust with such discussions (friends, not family), and as many in my life have found, sex and sexuality was usually my favourite topic for discussion and analysis for an evening. Some frowned at my openness, some felt uncomfortable, others enjoyed the freedom to talk about it with someone they knew was not going to put them down for their desires or thoughts. Ialso realised honesty and openness was the only way I was going to find someone who fit with me. It is not that easy for everyone.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

Master is the first lover I've ever had that I can tell him every dirty, naughty desire that's ever entered my head.

And isnt that the most wonderful liberating loving feeling?

This is one of the reasons I love this dynamic.

Every PYL I have had has insisted on one thing, I speak what ever I think. I've never been permitted private thoughts.

I think part of the appeal of this for them is that I'm incredibly shy, so I blush and stumble and turn my eyes away. And I look so innocent.

It's an amazing feeling to know that I am opened so fully, and completely safe to do it.

 

[switchbitch]

I assume you are being rhetorical, switchbitch, because your questions answer themselves, merely in the way that you've worded them.

not altogether rhetorical, more kind of musing.

"cowardice' is a pretty damning word. "Fear" might be more compassionate, and there is nothing simple about fear.

I do agree fear may have been a better word to choose.When I re-read it after reading your post it made me aware that it seemed that I was attacking people, I was not. I do find it sincerely puzzling.

And yes, people are terrified of making changes in relationships. Duh.

Ah Ha so you mean leaving a comfort zone when you are uncertain if there is another one to move to is scary. That makes more sense thank you
yes.
It's prevalent because its prevalent. Just like so many women wear lipstick-- because so many women wear lipstick. it's normative.

I do rather like finding reasons for everything (silly dreamer) and usually I can find some sort of positive reasoning for the way we do things or at least common excuses. This one simply escapes me.


You all think I'm pretty brave putting myself out there? I'm no braver than anyone else, and there are things that I'm too *cough*cowardly*cough* to face.

I beg to differ I think you are very brave

 

[rekane]

Another reason, besides fear, is that people just may not know how to bring it up or how to talk about it.

I was fortunate enough to hear Evelyn Resh (author, sexuality counselor) speak about how we view sex. She said that so often couples, including her and her partner, start to talk about sex like they are talking about putting the dog down. It is all in serious, somber tones.
Frankly, who wants to have a discussion like that?

If your partner is not on the same page sexually, having a discussion with them may not be easy. If they are too reserved, or resistant to change, some discussions might be difficult. It may seem easier to some to manipulate a situation rather than talk.

Not pretty, but it is reality.

 

[welkin]

And honestly, if you look at the responses to these "How do I get my gf/bf to do this" questions, at least the ones I see so far are all encouraging the OP to communicate with his or her partner. There are "tactics" like starting with the mild and introducing one thing at a time, but I wouldn't call that manipulation. After all, there is no guile in not stating everything you want at once, and the gf/bf in question still has full power to decline the request. In the end, it's not like anyone's suggesting "oh you should just drug your girlfriend and then fuck her from behind" or "Tie her up and surprise her with the whip".

So the OPs probably struggle with communication, yes. To accuse them of deceit and manipulation, no.

 

[DVS]

Intimidation, fear of rejection, repressed sexual urges that society and parental teaching has beaten into our heads all of our lives. Would it be easier and better to talk things out with your partner? Sure, but we are taught from birth to repress our urges. The more open we are with out sexual lives, the easier that is. But many people don't find out they are submissive or dominant, gay or lesbian until they spend years as an adult, confused with why they aren't happy in their "normal" life.

Look at the people on this forum. How many realized their sexual desires as a child? Not that many. Most people suffer in confusion until they either open up to someone, find sites like this on the Internet, or something similar. Then, their eyes are opened, they have that "aha moment", new feelings start rushing in, and loose ends start coming together. And because it's so simple, they wonder why they didn't see it before.

It's not any one person's fault, but it is everybody's fault, collectively. Society pressures, religious upbringing, family pressure, peer pressure, lack of sexual education are all involved. Old lessons are deep inside and difficult to forget. If they had known to talk it out, communicate their needs and desires to someone, maybe that aha moment would have come sooner. Instead, because we fear what might happen if we open up, we keep it inside and use manipulation to get what we want. It's sexual satisfaction at arm's length.

 

[erotiquegirl]

Why is there so little honesty about sex?
There are so many threads that ask questions like ‘how do I get my girlfriend/wife to do….. to me? Or how do I make my boyfriend/husband more dominant/submissive?
There are so many that want to know how to connive or inveigle or manipulate a significant other to do or behave in a different way sexually. To me this is inherently dishonest either by omission or commission you are in effect lying to your partner. And worse by trying to manipulate the situation without honesty it feels the same as acting without consent.

Is it simple cowardice that prevents people asking for what they need openly and honestly?

Are so many people are afraid that someone may not be able to cope with their darkest desires?

Why is this so prevalent?

Why do so many find it difficult to be honest about their desires?

I understand a certain hesitancy when you are still experimenting and trying to find out what it is that you do or don't like, but if you do know what you like why hide it?
is it so difficult to say 'Darling I want you to fuck my arse'or 'sweetheart I need to be spanked hard'or even' that's not quite how I enjoy oral sex I can show you how I do'or any other particular desires that you have?

People have hangups. Open communication is key. Two-way street. If you don't have that, not much of a relationship anyway. Of course, a fantasy about fucking the neighbors Panda bear probably ought to stay in someone's head. Well, unless they find their partner is already doing the Panda that is. Or, if you like necrophilia, you ought to keep that in your head too since it's illegal in most states.

 

[LisbethElliot]

Intimidation, fear of rejection, repressed sexual urges that society and parental teaching has beaten into our heads all of our lives. Would it be easier and better to talk things out with your partner? Sure, but we are taught from birth to repress our urges. The more open we are with out sexual lives, the easier that is. But many people don't find out they are submissive or dominant, gay or lesbian until they spend years as an adult, confused with why they aren't happy in their "normal" life.

Look at the people on this forum. How many realized their sexual desires as a child? Not that many. Most people suffer in confusion until they either open up to someone, find sites like this on the Internet, or something similar. Then, their eyes are opened, they have that "aha moment", new feelings start rushing in, and loose ends start coming together. And because it's so simple, they wonder why they didn't see it before.

It's not any one person's fault, but it is everybody's fault, collectively. Society pressures, religious upbringing, family pressure, peer pressure, lack of sexual education are all involved. Old lessons are deep inside and difficult to forget. If they had known to talk it out, communicate their needs and desires to someone, maybe that aha moment would have come sooner. Instead, because we fear what might happen if we open up, we keep it inside and use manipulation to get what we want. It's sexual satisfaction at arm's length.

So true. Takes some of us half a century to figure it out.....

 

[shy slave]

The type of threads the OP talks of, do make me sigh.

You cannot make someone who is kinky, vanilla and vice versa.

But I don't see it as dishonest to look at ways that may be possible. I call it misplaced hope.

Sex, like many things in a relationship can be about compromise.

Types of kink are given up in exchange for other aspects that fulfil other needs. That's not lying it's hard reality.
Or a preference for vanilla sex and a particular type of foreplay is given up because the other person needs a lelvel of kink.

If, there is discussion and openess instead of harbouring ills and wishes both parties know where they stand.

Questions on 'how to' are all too often given given advice to speak out. But lets face it, it is as Stella said, an element of fear to that. Not just fear of rejection, but fear they will actually understand and ignore it anyway. Then what?
Compromise? walking away? middle ground.

It's not easy, but if you are going to open conversation on things you have to be prepared for the worst case scenario.

There lies the fear.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Yes, Stella, I, for one, do think you're brave.

And you can't change my mind.

 

[FurryFury]

I agree. I was far too shy and too scared to process my repressed sexual urges for a VERY long time. Had the internet been around in my adolescent years, I suspect that could have helped a great deal.

Now, I will not be silent about things. I'm honest, hopefully not to a fault though.

FF

Intimidation, fear of rejection, repressed sexual urges that society and parental teaching has beaten into our heads all of our lives. Would it be easier and better to talk things out with your partner? Sure, but we are taught from birth to repress our urges. The more open we are with out sexual lives, the easier that is. But many people don't find out they are submissive or dominant, gay or lesbian until they spend years as an adult, confused with why they aren't happy in their "normal" life.

Look at the people on this forum. How many realized their sexual desires as a child? Not that many. Most people suffer in confusion until they either open up to someone, find sites like this on the Internet, or something similar. Then, their eyes are opened, they have that "aha moment", new feelings start rushing in, and loose ends start coming together. And because it's so simple, they wonder why they didn't see it before.

It's not any one person's fault, but it is everybody's fault, collectively. Society pressures, religious upbringing, family pressure, peer pressure, lack of sexual education are all involved. Old lessons are deep inside and difficult to forget. If they had known to talk it out, communicate their needs and desires to someone, maybe that aha moment would have come sooner. Instead, because we fear what might happen if we open up, we keep it inside and use manipulation to get what we want. It's sexual satisfaction at arm's length.

 

[alwaysknow]

response

My Ten cents - I think it becomes one of those things of what we are admitting is so intimate to ourselves and we are so scared to death of someone judging our preferences.

Many people get into personal silos whether it be their jobs, social circles or simply routines and there is a certain comfort to it all. That comfort comes from not having to go though judgments and expecting the expected and nothing outside the ordinary rarely taking place.

Another thing is what people are looking for help for are probably not considered "well accepted societal practices. Anytime you go against the grain of society, several challenges present themselves through that process.

Another factor is effective communication in a relationship is tough to come by in any capacity. It is tough to come by because the comfort zone needs to be developed with standard topics and when you discuss "taboo" topics it is even more important.

Switchbitch - you are a very honest woman who is EXTREMELY comfortable in her own skin. There is no doubt in my mind you are the exception not the rule. This makes it easier - if you will - to go against the grain. You are a gifted woman with great perception and thus you can get past these challenges with little or no difficulty.

Why is there so little honesty about sex?
There are so many threads that ask questions like ‘how do I get my girlfriend/wife to do….. to me? Or how do I make my boyfriend/husband more dominant/submissive?
There are so many that want to know how to connive or inveigle or manipulate a significant other to do or behave in a different way sexually. To me this is inherently dishonest either by omission or commission you are in effect lying to your partner. And worse by trying to manipulate the situation without honesty it feels the same as acting without consent.

Is it simple cowardice that prevents people asking for what they need openly and honestly?

Are so many people are afraid that someone may not be able to cope with their darkest desires?

Why is this so prevalent?

Why do so many find it difficult to be honest about their desires?

I understand a certain hesitancy when you are still experimenting and trying to find out what it is that you do or don't like, but if you do know what you like why hide it?
is it so difficult to say 'Darling I want you to fuck my arse'or 'sweetheart I need to be spanked hard'or even' that's not quite how I enjoy oral sex I can show you how I do'or any other particular desires that you have?

 

[switchbitch]

You guys are awesome all of your responses have been thoughtful and helpful.
Alwaysknow, thank you for your kind words, perhaps they actually clarify why I have so much difficulty understanding the recitance of others.

 

[redheadedtxn]

And isnt that the most wonderful liberating loving feeling?

It is. Something I've never experienced before