Need help men

[kitty1973]

Been together for 2 years. Really into the BDSM in the beginning. I was the slave, he the master. I loved it. Now he wants nothing to do with it. He says its becasue he "sees" me differently. He fell in love with me blah blah blah. But yet he hardly wants to have sex at all. Says he jacks off alot when I'm gone. (we only see eachother everyother weekend) I dont thing he's cheating, but maybe he has a porn issue I should be concerned about or maybe he didnt just "turn" off the BDSM switch and is doing it somewhere else. I doubt it, but Its hard to think you can just drop it. What do you think?
Thanks!

 

[AngusMan]

Been together for 2 years. Really into the BDSM in the beginning. I was the slave, he the master. I loved it. Now he wants nothing to do with it. He says its becasue he "sees" me differently. He fell in love with me blah blah blah. But yet he hardly wants to have sex at all. Says he jacks off alot when I'm gone. (we only see eachother everyother weekend) I dont thing he's cheating, but maybe he has a porn issue I should be concerned about or maybe he didnt just "turn" off the BDSM switch and is doing it somewhere else. I doubt it, but Its hard to think you can just drop it. What do you think?
Thanks!

My sub and I are on a similar schedule as you. We can only meet on weekends. So far anyways. I think you two just need to sit down in "reality check" mode and discuss it. Ask the hard questions. I can't say this will get him back. It may not, but it also could. Either way, it will resolve the issue. Either you get back together in whatever form you decide, or you find another master.

 

[catalina_francisco]

As we know here from past experience, it is difficult to fully assess and comment on anothers situation and issues without being there, knowing more, but we usually try. In saying this I gather from your post that both of you started off as a M/s relationship and were happy dwelling there until he seemed to change direction and explain it as a result of falling in love with you?

This is not unusual, and is often an area where people need to comunicate more, take a look back at why you got together and what you enjoyed about each other and the relationship, and then look at how you might have gotten to where you are now. For some, when it moves to love, they begin to get confused and revert to a form of vanilla thinking in that you do not express love and treat someone you love in many of the ways and acts you do in BDSM. It then feels wrong on some deep level and they pull back from the BDSM often with inner thoughts along the lines they would be a monster to continue as they had been.

If this is where his head is at you need to gently remind him you were not in a vanilla relationship, and it was a choice you both made because that was not what you wanted, nor what worked for you both. Remind him that for you love means xyz, not traditional vanilla themes and gestures.....that because this is different from more traditional people and possibly your parents', it is not necessarily wrong, just different. Difference is not wrong or bad, it is just acknowledgement we are all different...makes life less boring than if we were all duplicates of each other. Hopefully this wil help things turn around, but may require time and gentle reminders and assurances from time to time.

Catalina

 

[rosco rathbone]

Make him jealous. Oldest trick in the book.

 

[Stella_Omega]

He's fallen into the "Madonna/whore" trap. I agree with Catalina, although I would not say anything so gently as she does...

If this gentleman loves you he will need to treat you in the way that speaks "Love" to you. Otherwise, he'll lose you.

 

[YourCaptor]

Sounds like the spark is gone. Better do something about it quick.

 

[Dosxx82256]

I'm going with the porn trap. That is powerful stuff. I'm a man and I can tell you it is tough for a real woman to compete with what is out there on the internet. Once you're past your teens and early 20's and sex is no longer as new and exciting as it once was, porn comes in a blows you away. I can honestly say there are many time when I would rather jerk off to some good porn than have sex.

Also, as you get older, the stimulation requirement increases. I used to be able to get horny from looking at a ball of cotton that could have potentially been made into a pair of panties. Now I swear if there isn't a horse and 20 gallons of melted marshmallows involved, I don't even want to watch it.

 

[SirLeo]

I think Angus and Catalina are both right. I think on our end, it goes back and forth, sometimes I have to remind m we need to get spicey, sometines she'll let me know. Over the course of 20 years, a lot of stuff ebbs and flows. The important thing is to make private time where you can discuss it.

Good luck.

 

[Passing]

If he is jacking off while you are gone, and not wanting sex when you are there, something is definitely wrong. You wont get any answers if you don't ask.

If its porn I'd really like a guys opinion on this...
Would you really rather jack off to a video instead enjoying the real thing?
Couldn't help but ask.

 

[thkdck4u]

I think you can get burned out on BDSM. I've known a couple of subs who just got burned out on the length of time it all took, and the ritual. They weren't burned out by the sexual aspect of it, just some of the ritual.

But regardless, it's just like any other relationship. He probably does love you, but something else is stimulating him. Probably porn and jacking off. There is so much easy porn on the internet. If this is the case, his sexuality has probably become very compartmentalized and efficient. He doesn't need people anymore. It's kind of like a couple of different women I know who got into using vibrators, and it was so mind-blowing that men couldn't really compete any more.

So you could try watching porn with him. Offer to be his cock-sucking slave while he watches porn. Or jack him off while he's watching. Tell him you want to get a webcam and have sex on camera. I'm sure he's been watching some live webcam stuff on AFF or someplace. Tell him you want him to video tape you, and then you be his personal porn star. Tell him you want to shoot a P.O.V. porn scene. (then post it and post the link so we can see it.)

 

[Lemmikk]

If you can not work it out contact me , as I am looking for a new submissive.
Lemmikk

 

[ImOnIt]

If you can not work it out contact me , as I am looking for a new submissive.
Lemmikk

You are one fuckin smooth operator. Teach me your way aight?

 

[minx1]

You are one fuckin smooth operator. Teach me your way aight?

That made me laugh

I agree with Catalina, infact I've just realised it's something I find difficulty reconciling sometimes.
I dont think it's the porn but I could be wrong.

How is he interacting with you in general? Is it 'normal' or has something shifted there too? Has he become more distant emotionally/affectionately?

 

[satindesire]

If you can not work it out contact me , as I am looking for a new submissive.
Lemmikk

WTF really?

Go trawling somewhere else. This is no place for HNGs with no sense of manners. This thread died a million years ago, go crawl back under your rock, sugar tits.

 

[naif]

I'm going with the porn trap. That is powerful stuff. I'm a man and I can tell you it is tough for a real woman to compete with what is out there on the internet. Once you're past your teens and early 20's and sex is no longer as new and exciting as it once was, porn comes in a blows you away. I can honestly say there are many time when I would rather jerk off to some good porn than have sex.

Also, as you get older, the stimulation requirement increases. I used to be able to get horny from looking at a ball of cotton that could have potentially been made into a pair of panties. Now I swear if there isn't a horse and 20 gallons of melted marshmallows involved, I don't even want to watch it.

i hate LOL but i truly did. Hmmm having just started in my little pervy pursuit of porn and porny wiritng....i am going to need more and More and MOre and MORe and MORE stimulation in the future as a result?

sounds lovely.

 

[Wataru_Gin]

i hate LOL but i truly did. Hmmm having just started in my little pervy pursuit of porn and porny wiritng....i am going to need more and More and MOre and MORe and MORE stimulation in the future as a result?

sounds lovely.

There is some crazy, over-stimulating shit out there in the world of porn. But nothing beats sharing fantasies and love with another human being. That's what I think, at least.

At least I don't need a horse to get me turned on though. LOL.

 

[FurryFury]

I think he is taking you for granted which, when either partner does that, it leads to the end of the relationship or if you are very stubborn and loyal relationship hell.

Some guys do have the Madonna / whore thing.

Some do have a porn addiction.

Some just have a short attention span, are fickle and lazy. Jacking off can be easier than dealing with another person.

Communication is required to find out what is going on, if he can and will communicate too. If not he needs a sharp slap of reality, then maybe a goodbye.

I recently dealt with some unacceptable behavior from my husband. I choose to be with him and I don't have to continue doing that. My mother and kids I have to put up with and insulate myself from the ones that misbehavior due to their own issues, but I'm about done with ever allowing people I choose to be with to add more shit in my life.

It took a while to wait for him to be ready to communicate but it was clear that was the only way we were going to move forward.

Happily he figured it out. I think he is quite rare that way. He's always been a good communicator when he wants to be.

Maybe I'm getting wiser in life. I just want people around me that lower stress and make me smile. I want to do the same for them.

So if my man went from wanting a BDSM relationship to NO sex it would be a huge red flag. We'd have to talk and share. I won't be shut out and stay. I've done it before. It's hell on earth for me.

FF

 

[Honed_Hunger]

Been together for 2 years. Really into the BDSM in the beginning. I was the slave, he the master. I loved it. Now he wants nothing to do with it. He says its becasue he "sees" me differently. He fell in love with me blah blah blah. But yet he hardly wants to have sex at all. Says he jacks off alot when I'm gone. (we only see eachother everyother weekend) I dont thing he's cheating, but maybe he has a porn issue I should be concerned about or maybe he didnt just "turn" off the BDSM switch and is doing it somewhere else. I doubt it, but Its hard to think you can just drop it. What do you think?
Thanks!

The highlighted line above is key.

Limited contact is enough when a relationship is still in the fantasy stage that occurs at the onset of taking on a new partner. Once the new is worn off,the luster always fades. It just takes longer for that to happen with limited contact in place.

For the vast majority of couples, It takes daily contact and a full sequence relationship to find true fulfillment.

 

[shy slave]

If this gentleman loves you he will need to treat you in the way that speaks "Love" to you. Otherwise, he'll lose you.

Succintly put.

Unfortunately men being men (yes, a sexist comment), sometimes never actually figure out how to treat you in a way that says 'love' to you.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I just want people around me that lower stress and make me smile. I want to do the same for them.

A wise remark, and worth remembering.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Succintly put.

Unfortunately men being men (yes, a sexist comment), sometimes never actually figure out how to treat you in a way that says 'love' to you.

I think they just have a different way of saying it.



I get plenty of "I love you"s but no gushing speeches and declarations like I tend to give on occasion. Instead, he'll bring dinner so I don't have to go out in the rain later on, or fix my door, or teach me how to check the fluid levels in my car.

To me, that says 'damn woman, I love you and you mean the world to me so I'm gonna take care of you so you're healthy and happy and safe and around for a long long time' and means just as much as the words do.

 

[redheadedtxn]

The highlighted line above is key.

Limited contact is enough when a relationship is still in the fantasy stage that occurs at the onset of taking on a new partner. Once the new is worn off,the luster always fades. It just takes longer for that to happen with limited contact in place.

For the vast majority of couples, It takes daily contact and a full sequence relationship to find true fulfillment.

I call BS on this.
I don't see or even talk to Master every day, matter of fact, it would be stifling if he did that.

We have playdates usually every other week. We talk several times a week, and of course see each other at the office.

But romance & sex every day? Heck no!

 

[eastern sun]

My take on this is that if he's the master he gets to call the shots.

That's how it's worked in our relationship. Sometimes he's into it. Sometimes he isn't. His call.

At times I find it really frustrating sexually, but that's part of the dynamic we have. He's still the master even when the rules change. It isn't necessarily about getting me off. Though he frequently requires me to seek out others when he doesn't want to play.

(If it helps, we always return to it, though many months, and sometimes even years can go by.)

 

[Honed_Hunger]

I call BS on this.
I don't see or even talk to Master every day, matter of fact, it would be stifling if he did that.

We have playdates usually every other week. We talk several times a week, and of course see each other at the office.

But romance & sex every day? Heck no!

Bovine excrement is answering.

There's a fuckton of difference between the OP's 12 day stretches between flesh on flesh/face time with her Master and your situation you described.

They're trying to hold a situation together with some odd 48 days a year together.............which I feel like for most folks, is usually not enough to sustain a long lasting,primary relationship.

JMO.........

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Bovine excrement is answering.

There's a fuckton of difference between the OP's 12 day stretches between flesh on flesh/face time with her Master and your situation you described.

They're trying to hold a situation together with some odd 48 days a year together.............which I feel like for most folks, is usually not enough to sustain a long lasting,primary relationship.

JMO.........

I see my other half probably twice a month, and there's *always* at least a fortnight, sometimes 3 weeks between visits, due to work stuff.

And we've managed quite fine for quite some time now.