the marks of a slave

[rida]

Is life fair?

No.

Fair-ness is something my kids fight over.

Yes. And I remind them that even though it is a lost battle, they have to strive to be fair and accept that life will not be.

But fair doesn't seem to be part of the universal equation.

Indeed.


Sorry for not addressing the "power" part. My mind is a bit out of focus.




have not been fisted in forever ... and I think I'd rather have a woman do it next time.

 

[eastern sun]

Rida, I think you did address the power part. Right here. . . .

And I remind them that even though it is a lost battle, they have to strive to be fair and accept that life will not be.

I am so glad you have been able to keep posting both here and especially on fetlife. It has been so helpful over the past weeks to balance media reports with the experience of someone I deeply care about. You give me an opportunity to view the unfolding events through eyes I feel could be my own, and so bring me closer to the reality of the experience.

Thank you for sharing your world with us, rida. I have lived vicariously through your sexual submission. And now feel like I am closer to events that have transfixed the world by seeing them through your eyes and mind.

My love to you

 

[eastern sun]

I wouldn't call myself a slave as such but I definitely do the majority of chores around the house and most organisational tasks. I like to refer to myself as Managing Director of the household haha. My husband works away and has a lot of time off but overall he works a lot more than me so even when he is off I still do most things in the house as I feel its only fair since he has to be away for long periods and I want him to enjoy his time at home and relax.

I don't see this as a D/s thing, more of a partnership, he does his bit and I do mine. I Enjoy organising the house because I like to be in control so I know whats going on with things. Maybe thats why I like him to be in control with other things....

D/s is a partnership. M/s is a partnership. He does his bit and I do mine.

D/s and M/s are mental constructs you lay on a partnership. The activities you engage in as a couple are dependent on your desires - on the things you want to do. (And in my own experience, those activities aren't fixed and unchanging - well, sometimes they are when they achieve fetish status - but even then circumstances change over time).

I started writing because I was reading only about relationships which were much more extreme than my own, and I wanted to dig into the mindset that pervades all the mundane activities that make up most of my life.

Because, ironically, even though it is primarily a mental construct, the D/s or M/s partnership is also a physical reality expressed in the stuff of our lives.

When the two - the mental experience and physical reality - are in harmony - wow! Great forces are unleashed.

More frequently they aren't, though. Our ideas clash with our physical reality and we end up in conflict with ourselves and others.

I think we spend most of lives engaged in those conflicts.

 

[eastern sun]

ES ~
I don't have anything relevant to the current topic to add exactly, but I had to take a moment to say something because I have enjoyed reading here so much. After much humble lurking here on your thread I just have to say that every post of yours that I read is completely transfixing. It is like a hypnotic hush that falls over me every time and it leaves me feeling privileged just to read what you write.

Thank you for all that you say here... to me, you are intricately beautiful.

Thank you.

 

[eastern sun]

My mother taught me to be polite and kind with a woman and did a good job. It’s pretty hard for me to ‘get nasty’ even in the bedroom. Let alone outside of it.
I’m slowly accommodating, but there’s still a long way to go.

Please, don't think that you have to stop being polite and kind.

What a loss that would be to the world.

I was the paramour of a gentleman who expressed his dominance without violence, nastiness, degradation, or humiliation. I loved it.

There is room in this boat. Lots of room.

Enjoy the journey.

(and you'll think I'm kidding, but I would definitely take you up on your invitation to the castle on the Rhine!)

 

[eastern sun]

This is the moment Im hoping for too ES, perhaps in a slightly different context.

I cant seem to just let things happen and take their natural course, instead I seem to sabotage things before they go wrong. Kick the dog to make sure it's alive I think the saying goes, or something to that effect.

I want to accept instead of constantly questioning and I want to submit instead of allowing my fear to drive me to fight for control. When I manage it and I'm in that place, I love the sense of inner peace I get, so why's it so bloody hard to stay there?

I know what I have to do. I know what I want to do. I just dont seem to be able to do it consistantly.

So much this. It drives me crazy. I love being scared, I love being uncomfortable, and I love putting up a fight... how to reconcile that with being insecure and compulsive and having control issues. Sometimes I do, though, and manage to leave my baggage at the door. Those moments are pure bliss. If only could just chuck the baggage altogether.

I wonder if just not giving yourself the option--an "out"--to behave otherwise would work? "Do or do not, there is no try"? Or perhaps enlist the help of the PYL in cracking down on unwanted behavior? A combination of both? Something else entirely?

So, the teachers I've been listening to would simply say - "observe yourself. and then return to your breath."

I don't think it has to be much more complicated than that.

Use your breath as the simplest way to integrate your mind and body in the present moment.

Be careful of judging yourself too harshly (says the girl who is her worst critic).

Accept change as inevitable (says the girl who has devoted herself to "staying.")

Remember to notice the positive aspects of this world (says the girl who has plumbed the darkness in search of its heart).

Take responsibility for the fruit of your own actions (says the girl who wants a master to absolve her guilt and shame).

Be true to yourself and your understanding of the world (says the girl who loves pygmalion).

These are hard-won lessons I've learned by knocking my head against the truth. Try not to dismiss the truth when you see it. We're immersed in it every moment of our lives.

 

[eastern sun]

Boy, I really bit the hook.

It's kind of embarrassing.

Where is he to tell me to "shut up" when I need him?

 

[eastern sun]

My reality - he has had the last two days off of work, but hasn't spent time with me.

I am a bit desperate for attention. Can you tell?

 

[rida]

I am so glad you have been able to keep posting both here and especially on fetlife. It has been so helpful over the past weeks to balance media reports with the experience of someone I deeply care about. You give me an opportunity to view the unfolding events through eyes I feel could be my own, and so bring me closer to the reality of the experience.

Thank you for sharing your world with us, rida. I have lived vicariously through your sexual submission. And now feel like I am closer to events that have transfixed the world by seeing them through your eyes and mind.

My love to you

Thank you

I confess I'm starting to feel worn out.
Keeping cool and level headed, going to work, and at the same time having to spend time reassuring panicked family back home is starting to feel a bit too much. I honestly could do with a good rope suspension session ...

I wondered if this is how tiring is to be a Dominant: in charge and responsible for the well-being of his/her submissive ...

 

[eastern sun]

As I read this thread and think about slavedom, I keep having questions like "what if the power unbalance gets abused", "what if the master makes a mistake and does not admit it", etc. And I am wondering if it's me not meant to be a slave (i.e. unwilling to accept certain asymmetries), or if it's that there are just simply very few doms who are worthy of having a slave. I am sorry for the redundancy if this has already been addressed before (I don't come often so haven't perused all 80 pages), is it that the masters take responsibilities to ensure certain degrees of fairness, or that it is understood that at heart they will never mean the slave any harm, so any "wrong" is accepted quietly? Does a slave ever resent something the master has done, or transforms that into some sexual energy? I'd appreciate it if someone could explain their view on this, thanks.

I'm sorry. There's a serious question here that I didn't address very clearly in my earlier response.

Despite the rhetoric, M/s relationships can end, just like any relationship. I have a leather friend who entered as a slave into a year-long contract, and when it ended, moved on to have a slave of his own. I have witnessed another M/s collared relationship end, like a bad divorce, with recriminations, insults, lonely heartbreak, and desperate attempts to make each other jealous, all played out in both the local community and in the public forums on fetlife. My husband has announced his frustration at my behavior, and called the M/s off, only to pick it up again when my behavior radically changed. So, it is of course possible that serious problems can develop - as in any relationship - and one option is to change the dynamics or leave.

But, one significant factor in our M/s relationship, at least, is that I act always as though the option to leave does not in fact exist while his options are open. It meets our needs. Because we play cuckolding games as part of his requirements, and I am often seeking outside partners, it is extremely important to him that he never feels our relationship is in jeopardy. It allows him to move comfortably into more extreme levels of vulnerability. Because I am and have always been insanely jealous (with big abandonment issues), it is equally important that I recognize his freedom, and consider his commitment to me at least partially dependent on my behavior.

These are pretty difficult waters to swim in, sometimes. So I would recommend looking at M/s either as a short-term or part-time contractual agreement, allowing both parties a chance to relax and recuperate, no matter what went down. Or look at it as a long-term commitment - like marriage - and recognize that to make the relationship work, you're going to have to abandon all your ideas of what it's supposed to be and simply work with what it is.

Regarding your questions, welkin, I would hope that people in any relationship are looking at a mutually beneficial arrangement. Some people are going to enter into M/s and treat each other very badly, call it BDSM, and not even fully realize that they are acting out abusive patterns. Some are going to find a vehicle for their aggression, their passivity, their need for control, their desire to escape responsibility. Most people who want it are going to find a relationship that is deeply satisfying, until the day it isn't.

And it's in that moment that it gets really challenging. Because it's in that moment that you have to look very closely at yourself and your partner and your expectations and your reality and your behavior and your fears.

Which isn't so different than what people have to do in any challenging moment.

And then it might be appropriate to speak up and say something, to make changes, to surrender and accept what's happening, or to transform the energy into something more productive or beneficial. That's going to depend entirely on the circumstances you're in, and would be impossible to define by outside criteria.

You ask good questions, welkin. Because they don't have a single answer.

 

[catalina_francisco]

My reality - he has had the last two days off of work, but hasn't spent time with me.

I am a bit desperate for attention. Can you tell?

Hope it changes for you soon. For us, when he has days off work we spend nearly every minute in the same room or being together. Most days I look forward to that with excited anticipation, but there are the occasional ones when I get a little frustrated if there was something else I was planning to get done and have to postpone until he is back working. Thankfully that happens much less than the happy ones, though both usually leave me with some form of guilt.

Catalina

 

[welkin]

Wow, thank you so much ES, you have answered my questions beautifully, and some others that I didn't even think of. You've hit the core that these are problems in M/s and non-M/s relationships alike, I am going to have to read your posts and digest a bit... and I think I can see a little better now how your relationship is balanced, as opposed to the simple "master vs slave" notion that I was under... Thanks again. =)

 

[eastern sun]

Hope it changes for you soon. For us, when he has days off work we spend nearly every minute in the same room or being together. Most days I look forward to that with excited anticipation, but there are the occasional ones when I get a little frustrated if there was something else I was planning to get done and have to postpone until he is back working. Thankfully that happens much less than the happy ones, though both usually leave me with some form of guilt.

Catalina

Yes. This is what I miss on days like yesterday . . . He left in the morning without telling me where he was going.

I did call him midday, and found out he was at the museum which shouldn't have surprised me. I joined him there for about an hour before I had to go home to feed the kids. (Apparently I showed up moments after he'd embarrassed a young woman who was hitting on him.)

And this morning, after rejecting my sexual initiations, he let me continue only after I started speaking about things he wanted to hear about, surprising him with new information that he hadn't been aware of.

With all my recent extracurricular activity, I think he's making me seek him out to reassert his authority. I have to be really careful not to fall into the trap of "but I only did it because you wanted me to" - which is true - but also fails to take into account the very real ways I wrestle control and power away from him.

 

[eastern sun]

It's easy to feel gratitude when you're getting what you want. It's much harder when you perceive someone as an obstacle in your path.

I needed to say "thank you." For a lifetime of shared experiences and support. And, because I'd forgotten, and I think he'd forgotten, that we are friends.

Sometimes when you stand next to someone for a long time, you mistake the shadow they cast as something oppressively real, something that you have to rail against, push aside, or move away from. It's too easy to forget that the earth is constantly moving, and what's in shadow this moment might soon be bathed in light.

Anyway, I needed to express my gratitude. To say "thank you," without reminding him of the list of things he should be grateful for, even as they scrolled through my mind like a litany of prayers I'd answered.

It was funny. As soon as he walked in the door, I was prepared to speak. I'd been focussing all afternoon on this need to say "thank you." On the knowledge that I would. And the anticipation of his presence.

But he asked me about my day.

And when I mentioned something that wasn't going so well, he made a point to show me how my own actions had jeopardized my standing. And for a moment . . . all my gratitude vanished in the hot, black smoke of self-recrimination, and I raised my voice and threw all that self-hatred into the open truth.

(I said something like "you don't think I've thought about that already" with a raised voice and a threat that I might lose it. Just enough to catch the kids' attention. "Are you ok, mom?" I hear my son ask.)

And just as quickly it was gone, blown away, like smoke in a wind.

I almost mechanically put myself back on track and told him that I'd been wanting to thank him for everything he'd done to support our family. That I'd seen how hard he's worked. How much he's offered.

But he held onto the frustration I'd expressed just moments before, and mumbled, "not any more, hunh." Which gave me just enough resistance to find firmer ground, to move from the pure mechanics of thanking someone to the honest expression of gratitude.

"No, I really want to thank you. You've done a lot for me and the kids. You've worked hard to support your family."

And it's true. He has.

He appreciated my words.

The really hard part though is that gratitude goes way beyond simply saying "thank you." My dictionary defines it also as "a readiness to show appreciation and return someone's kindness."

I love the word - and the state of - "readiness."

For years, and years, I practiced "readiness" for the creative impulse, "readiness" in parenting, "readiness" for sex. The state of alert responsiveness it implies has always made me feel alive and at risk and open and exhilarated.

I love that I find myself having now to practice this "readiness to show appreciation" for my husband. This "readiness to return his kindness."

It's not hard to do with relative strangers, but man, it's hard to express gratitude towards your partner when you're not getting what you want. And even harder when you think they might be an obstacle in your path.

But practicing "readiness" is thrilling. And I am so grateful for the opportunity to do it.

 

[eastern sun]

All this reminds me of an interaction we had at least 20 years ago.

I was yelling at him for something. Criticizing him. And he asked me why I couldn't treat him like I treated other people.

And in my most appalled voice, I asked, "what? you want me to treat you like a friend?"

And he stopped, and very quietly answered, "yes. That's exactly what I want."

It actually floored both of us, because apparently - in my mind - intimacy brought you into the innermost circle where you get the privilege of being treated the way I treat myself.

 

[seela]

Reading this thread, I've often felt like I should say something, but my words in comparison with yours seem very mundane and lifeless, and my relative lack of all of a sudden experience becomes glaringly obvious.

But I would like to thank you for this thread. It never fails to make me think about my own experiences and to put my thoughts into a wider perspective.

I love the story, where your husband asks you to treat him like a friend. You may just have saved me a lot of trouble in my own relationship.

So thank you.

 

[IrisAlthea]

All this reminds me of an interaction we had at least 20 years ago.

I was yelling at him for something. Criticizing him. And he asked me why I couldn't treat him like I treated other people.

And in my most appalled voice, I asked, "what? you want me to treat you like a friend?"

And he stopped, and very quietly answered, "yes. That's exactly what I want."

It actually floored both of us, because apparently - in my mind - intimacy brought you into the innermost circle where you get the privilege of being treated the way I treat myself.

Yes, I´ve thought a lot about how we sometimes treat those closest to us, worse than we´d ever treat a total stranger.

 

[minx1]

So, the teachers I've been listening to would simply say - "observe yourself. and then return to your breath."

I don't think it has to be much more complicated than that.

Use your breath as the simplest way to integrate your mind and body in the present moment.

Be careful of judging yourself too harshly (says the girl who is her worst critic).

Accept change as inevitable (says the girl who has devoted herself to "staying.")

Remember to notice the positive aspects of this world (says the girl who has plumbed the darkness in search of its heart).

Take responsibility for the fruit of your own actions (says the girl who wants a master to absolve her guilt and shame).

Be true to yourself and your understanding of the world (says the girl who loves pygmalion).

These are hard-won lessons I've learned by knocking my head against the truth. Try not to dismiss the truth when you see it. We're immersed in it every moment of our lives.

Thankyou ES, for reminding me of some things.

Recently I tend to observe myself and panic. I forget to breathe and the panic consumes me.
I hide to avoid the situations where I forget to breathe. I'm hiding today.

I judge myself harshly too. I will often say 'I cant do it', out of fustration at myself at not being able to. I see the emotional carnage I've reaked at those moments and feel even more of a failure, a let down.
I will often say 'I can't do it', when really I have been doing it; not particularly well but I've still been trying to. Perhaps I need to focus on this more.

'Try not to dismiss the truth when you see it'. I sometimes think I wouldnt know the truth if it came up, shook my hand and introduced itself. I'd forgotten what it looked like. I struggle to see it. Maybe I see it, but I'm scared to believe it. Yes, I think thats it.

Anyway, you once suggested focusing on the vibrancy and life around me; the colour and beauty in the smallest things. It's everywhere you said and when I looked, you were right.
Focusing on that did me so much good, but lately I've not been seeing it. I havent been looking. Angst does that to you.

Today I'm going to attempt to get back to that place.

 

[minx1]

...........sorry, changed my mind.

 

[eastern sun]

Recently I tend to observe myself and panic. I forget to breathe and the panic consumes me.
I hide to avoid the situations where I forget to breathe. I'm hiding today.

I judge myself harshly too. I will often say 'I cant do it', out of fustration at myself at not being able to. I see the emotional carnage I've reaked at those moments and feel even more of a failure, a let down.
I will often say 'I can't do it', when really I have been doing it; not particularly well but I've still been trying to. Perhaps I need to focus on this more.

'Try not to dismiss the truth when you see it'. I sometimes think I wouldnt know the truth if it came up, shook my hand and introduced itself. I'd forgotten what it looked like. I struggle to see it. Maybe I see it, but I'm scared to believe it. Yes, I think thats it.

Anyway, you once suggested focusing on the vibrancy and life around me; the colour and beauty in the smallest things. It's everywhere you said and when I looked, you were right.
Focusing on that did me so much good, but lately I've not been seeing it. I havent been looking. Angst does that to you.

Today I'm going to attempt to get back to that place.

I feel a lot of social anxiety. I have ever since I was a kid.

When I first got sober, I woke up every morning in such a state of high anxiety I thought I was going to die just from waking up and becoming conscious. The skin on my face was flushed and tingling and I felt like I couldn't breathe unless I was crying. Like the only way I could stay alive was to cry and keep crying.

I used to have to talk to myself constantly to make myself show up for work that I thought I'd fail at. And was really dependent on external feedback to feel "ok." I desperately needed you - out there - to tell me I was "ok" in order to believe it myself. Because inside my mind, I was a complete and utter fraud. Pretending at knowledge and skills and experience in the face of real human problems that I felt totally powerless to do anything about.

I hung onto the simplest things to get through the day. The cherry blossoms falling in the rain. The sound of the subway train on the tunnel tracks. The taste of the apple. Those immediate sensory experiences are the best way to reconnect with truth as I understand it.

Whatever chatter is going on in this mind of mine - and once in a while now I really love the sound of my own voice - I know that it is fundamentally unsound compared to the reality I am living. As much as I can, I try to quiet this mind, and its incessant judgements, qualifications, philosophical musings, rationalizations and pretty phrasings in order to just experience life as it is.

My sexuality is steeped in part in the experience that I have when I've been threatened or hit. Because in those moments of "crisis" my mind is clear. Crystal clear. There is no story. No judgement. No words at all. Just the quality of light in the room. The sound of our breathing. The heat rising off our bodies.

It feels so pure.

I don't have to be hit any more to go there though. After practicing for almost 20 years, I can find it again in the colors of the clouds in the sky. The way the leaves move in the wind.

But with this mind of mine, I am as likely now to hide in any experience (including the experience of clarity) from the things that scare me. It's just harder to hide the fact that I'm hiding.

Hang in there, minx. The happiness you felt is yours. And no one can take it from you (even if outside circumstances seem otherwise).

 

[eastern sun]

Reading this thread, I've often felt like I should say something, but my words in comparison with yours seem very mundane and lifeless, and my relative lack of all of a sudden experience becomes glaringly obvious.

I keep wanting to post here, to add something that's somehow soulful while still on topic, and coming up feeling like I have nothing relevant to share. I've been feeling that way in general actually, but but that vague emptiness comes to a sharp blank when I visit your thread.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. It makes me think I'm at fault for not opening up the conversation. I'm pasting these thoughts and images up on the board, and though I am genuinely interested in any dialogue that ensues - and I am very interested in people's comments because it deepens and widens my perspective - I also like to come back and just look at the collection of images that have been posted for the story they tell.

I've read in other places on this forum that people haven't wanted to "mess up" this thread. This thread is going to end up being whatever it is, but I want to say that I will always love to hear whatever thoughts you have. I don't think it's possible to "mess up" this thread unless you're trying to.

And I also feel the way you do on other threads all the time. Especially the politics threads, and the humor threads. Oh my god! We've all learned how to talk about different aspects of life. And those are two areas where I have really strong opinions or impulses and almost no language at all to frame them in. There are threads where I feel totally stupid, ignorant really, and I have tremendous respect for the people who speak those languages freely and comfortably.

The only posts I've seen on this board that have ever made me question the poster were the ones that were attacking either someone else or themselves. They just seemed overly aggressive, and in being so, strayed quickly from the truth.

But I like aggression. And I like aggressive people. So I hang out with them anyway.

 

[sweepthefloor]

b-e-a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e :cheerleader:

 

[eastern sun]

b-e-a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e :cheerleader:

All right girls. . . . here we go!

Give me a B . . . B
Give me an E . . . E
Give me an A . . . A
Give me a T . . . T

B-E-A-T me me me me me me me
B-E-A-T me me me me me me me

Come on now, it's what we need.
Beat it till we start to bleed!

B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E
B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E

If you win, then we win.
We can't lose, if you win.

Be aggressive! Yo!
Be aggressive! Hey!
Be aggressive! Ho!
Be aggressive! Yay!

It's time to show us what you've got
We know it's coming and it's hot
So give it up and don't you stop
We'll take it til we start to drop.

Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go

POW! ZING! BLAM! WOW!
That is what we like, and HOW!

 

[sweepthefloor]

Hahaha! Are we messing up?
We got our saddle shoes on, and our bobby-socks on, and our panty covers on- over our thongs, and pleated skirts! We are shaking our pom pom poms on our backsides. We are stamping our feet, and there are bows in our hair and we are clapping our hands, and that is some hand jive baby!
:roundoff:

 

[sweepthefloor]

I think I might bust out in cheer during my next gentle date. That would be great.