Dom certification and identification?

[Skaoi]

Is there any? If not there should be. Granted I’m new to this and am flushing out what I like and don’t like daily so part of the problem can definitely be laid at my feet, but holy guacamole I am frustrated with having to deal with fraudulent Doms. Simply pulling hair and saying “Bend over slut” does not a Dom make.

How great would it be if someone calling themselves a Dom could produce legitimate paperwork backing that claim? Just imagine, you would meet up with someone claiming to be a Dom and they would hand over the proper certification: “Here is my doctorate from Harvard (or wherever. I’m not an elitist!) and you see my emphasis was in Bondage and my thesis was on Spanking. Here is my license proving I can practice in this state.” Ahh, heaven.

So I guess what I’m asking is does anyone have a great system of weeding out or picking Doms? Any introductory tips? I’d like to go about it more organically than just pulling a list of questions out and checking boxes. I understand patience, trial and error are needed but if someone has some insights (like great Doms ring fingers on their left hand are longer than their middle fingers) that would be great.

I would just like to note I’m all for equal opportunity here, if there were any Sub Training Schools I’d be filling out the FAFSA faster than you could say…well, Sub Training School.

*Just got back from a horrible meet/date so hopefully this post doesn’t sound too bitter.

 

[chy_girl]

Having a conversation with them is always a good start. Dick-Doms tend to out themselves fairly soon in my experience. There's also the option of asking about them in the local community. If someone isn't the safest of play partners you're likely to get a suggestion of who "is more experienced and better able to help you learn."

Going to events and gatherings and just watching is helpful too. It provides you the opportunity to see how they interact and react to the people and the environment.

 

[jenniferbaby]

Sometimes I wonder about this myself. The whole process is very subjective and so much of what we believe is 'dominant' and 'submissive' is really based on opinion. I've talked to my share of men claiming to be dominant, and some were clearly dominant while others were undoubtedly not. How to tell the difference? Not sure, besides going with the gut feeling and what feels comfortable. If I can see myself gladly going to my knees in front of someone and staying there for an indeterminate amount of time, then he's probably dominant. But he might be my kind of dominant and no one else's. So who knows?

A degree of some sort would be useful.

 

[rosco rathbone]

It's just a human relationship like any other. The desire to quantify and turn everything into a checklist and tame the mystery with rules and flowcharts is what brings so many low-social-functioning nerds into this BDSM game to begin with.

 

[switchbitch]

to me a dominant is someone who's personality and sexuality desires to dominate their partner, it does not mean they have to have the entire skillset. It sounds like you are looking for a service Dom to push your particular buttons.That is not always easy to find, any more than it is easy to find the perfect submissive to suit.But the search is fun. and when you do find that awesome conection... holy fuck its worth it!!!!!

 

[Skaoi]

low-social-functioning nerds

Wowza, I feel like I just got whipped….with your tongue. Yeah I can be a little O.C.D. Especially in new and potentially awkward situations. Maybe I should put “occasionally anal” as one of my kinks. Umm, maybe that wouldn’t send the message I was going for though…

service Dom

LOVE that term and will be added to my vocab on a more regular basis!

 

[CutieMouse]

Date like you've always dated. If you click - great. If you don't - great. Every experience teaches you something about what you do or don't want.

The down side of a "certification" is that who decides what is or isn't certifiably dominant (or submissive for that matter)? Someone who is into protocol, bondage and role play wouldn't be a good dominant for someone like me - and I wouldn't be a good submissive for him. He isn't any less of a dominant; I'm not any less of a submissive - we simply wouldn't be well suited to one another.

 

[graceanne]

It's just a human relationship like any other. The desire to quantify and turn everything into a checklist and tame the mystery with rules and flowcharts is what brings so many low-social-functioning nerds into this BDSM game to begin with.

like

The issue with 'certification' is who gets to decide what's 'real' and what's 'fake'? This is a very slippery slope and the 'real' conversation has evolved into some HUGE arguments on this site.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Date like you've always dated. If you click - great. If you don't - great. Every experience teaches you something about what you do or don't want.

The down side of a "certification" is that who decides what is or isn't certifiably dominant (or submissive for that matter)? Someone who is into protocol, bondage and role play wouldn't be a good dominant for someone like me - and I wouldn't be a good submissive for him. He isn't any less of a dominant; I'm not any less of a submissive - we simply wouldn't be well suited to one another.

So true. I must admit, whenever I see people recommending asking around the local community, I once again get an attack of cringe factor. I guess part of it is because it is subjective and also open to someone who didn't get what they wanted bad mouthing another for no better reason than they have sour grapes (which might mean they are the more suspect, not necessarily the PYL/pyl being asked about).

Another part of it is it reminds me of the schoolyard when teenyboppers run around giggling and swapping stories about each other and the objects of their desire etc. Relationships for me, whether BDSM or regular are private and as an adult I like to think I can make those decisions for myself, not have to rely on someone who might have a totally different mindset and wish list to me telling me if someone is good or not. I also do not want to necessarily talk to someone who has been with my prospective partner before me about the adviseability of my being with them...after all, if they are no longer together there is probably a good reason whch also might negatively impact on their opinion. Let's face it, not everyone is into public BDSM or mixing with others with BDSM interests. Does that mean thay are immediately suspect? Not to me, just means they don't feel a need to be part of a crowd, and that I find very appealing. ....or they might not be from my local community (as was often the case when I was looking).

So my advice is just as CM said, approach it as you would any relationship, use your head, and go with your instincts. Doesn't hurt to also do some of your own checking if it is possible (eg, if found online, can be very easy to do without involving anyone else). Be honest and open to compromise as even in a vanilla based relationship it is rare to find someone who is 100% what you would dream of as perfect....no such thing as perfect...and enjoy the journey, don't just focus on the destination.

Catalina

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Also, the problem with local scene reccommendations is that they only work for people within the local scene. And that's only a subsection of people into kink.

Like the others have said, treat it like a normal dating opportunity, just add the "Dom" qualities to the list as well, along with things like 'must like dogs, must prefer soccer over football, must be able to cook brunch, must not leave wet towel on bed' etc.

Trust your instincts, like you would with anybody else.

 

[graceanne]

And be extra careful. Safecalls and the like.

 

[ImOnIt]

Wait wait... how can we certify doms unless we first define what a dom is.

We should only issue dom certificates to men 85kgs and upward, who have completed a course in first aid and are either sailors (for ropework), bodybuilders (for strength), or theatre.

Rule 1: never kick and injure your sub, or else you must be admonished by the geographically nearest senior dominant. All senior Dominants should have a two-way-radio with them at all times in case of such event.

 

[graceanne]

Wait wait... how can we certify doms unless we first define what a dom is.

We should only issue dom certificates to men 85kgs and upward, who have completed a course in first aid and are either sailors (for ropework), bodybuilders (for strength), or theatre.

Rule 1: never kick and injure your sub, or else you must be admonished by the geographically nearest senior dominant. All senior Dominants should have a two-way-radio with them at all times in case of such event.

*snort*

 

[chy_girl]

Also, the problem with local scene reccommendations is that they only work for people within the local scene. And that's only a subsection of people into kink.

Like the others have said, treat it like a normal dating opportunity, just add the "Dom" qualities to the list as well, along with things like 'must like dogs, must prefer soccer over football, must be able to cook brunch, must not leave wet towel on bed' etc.

Trust your instincts, like you would with anybody else.

I thought soccer and football were the same thing? (At least everywhere but the U.S.)

/hijack

 

[YourCaptor]

I think I deserve an honorary master of domination.

I'll set up a practice with lots of sexy receptionists.

I could finance the start up with investments from my sub farms. Exploit that untapped market of providing services for subs.

Ah yes, and so the empire begins.

Cue evil laughter.

I should go for the phd and open a school. Textbooks are a goldmine.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I thought soccer and football were the same thing? (At least everywhere but the U.S.)

/hijack

Nah, we have Australian Rules Football, plus 2 types of rugby, as well as soccer.

 

[SirLeo]

Certify my ass! What is this, 1984? Sorry if I sound like Roscoe, but I'm with cutiemouse, date like you normally do. Life is a constantly moving, freeflowing interlinked chain of events. Make it what you want, but if you are scared to get bitten by pirannas, then don't go in the water. I guess using that analogy, you could ask the locals if there are pirannas inthe water, which is what you have done......

Ok, so then my answer is, I'm with cutiemouse, date like you normally do. But use common sense.

 

[graceanne]

Certify my ass! What is this, 1984? Sorry if I sound like Roscoe, but I'm with cutiemouse, date like you normally do. Life is a constantly moving, freeflowing interlinked chain of events. Make it what you want, but if you are scared to get bitten by pirannas, then don't go in the water. I guess using that analogy, you could ask the locals if there are pirannas inthe water, which is what you have done......

Ok, so then my answer is, I'm with cutiemouse, date like you normally do. But use common sense.

The thing is, even with regular dating, you hear things about people, whether you're asking around. Obviously, you always want to take a rumor with a grain of salt, but that doesn't mean you should ignore it. If you hear that a guy has done jail time for beating up his girlfriend this is a warning sign. Or, in the kink world, if you hear that a guy doesn't respect safe words, pay attention. This doesn't mean you shouldn't double check the information, but at the same time you should ignore it. I don't even date and I can tell you which guys in the dating circle are players and which ones have short fuses, cause my sister and my best friend share this kind of information.

 

[Skaoi]

Hmmm, it seems like people are getting hung up on the word “certification”, I guess I should have gone with another title like “Doctorate Doms”. When I posted this I meant it to be a little tongue in cheek, hence the saying “thesis was on Spanking”.

I think I deserve an honorary master of domination.

I'll set up a practice with lots of sexy receptionists.

I could finance the start up with investments from my sub farms. Exploit that untapped market of providing services for subs.

Ah yes, and so the empire begins.

Cue evil laughter.

I should go for the phd and open a school. Textbooks are a goldmine.

I think YourCaptor understood what I was going for



But I do thank you all for your wonderful comments.
I especially want to thank CutieMouse and Catalina Fransico for their lovely replies. And I am easing up and taking your advice Catalina Fransico and “enjoying the journey” more.

 

[midwestyankee]

Looking for certification as a dominant reminds me of the old saw about yacht pricing: if you have to ask how much it costs, you can't afford it. In many parts of life, the need for certification and similar forms of official sanction seem to be felt greatest by those who lack something that might be disregarded if only they had a diploma of some kind.

Be yourself. If that means taking charge in your relationship, great. If that means being an equal partner in much of your relationship but taking charge only in the bedroom (and on the kitchen table, in the bathroom, etc. - I'm sure you get my drift here), great. And if it means being an equal partner throughout your relationship, that's great too.

 

[catalina_francisco]

The thing is, even with regular dating, you hear things about people, whether you're asking around. Obviously, you always want to take a rumor with a grain of salt, but that doesn't mean you should ignore it. If you hear that a guy has done jail time for beating up his girlfriend this is a warning sign. Or, in the kink world, if you hear that a guy doesn't respect safe words, pay attention. This doesn't mean you shouldn't double check the information, but at the same time you should ignore it. I don't even date and I can tell you which guys in the dating circle are players and which ones have short fuses, cause my sister and my best friend share this kind of information.

Really?!! I can't remember ever hearing rumours about anyone I dated in the vanilla world, but then I also was in a city and wasn't one to hang and date within a circle of people I guess. This might be another good thing about being a loner.

Catalina

 

[graceanne]

Really?!! I can't remember ever hearing rumours about anyone I dated in the vanilla world, but then I also was in a city and wasn't one to hang and date within a circle of people I guess. This might be another good thing about being a loner.

Catalina

Well a nice thing about being a loner is that you don't have to weed through stupid rumors to get to the real ones. A bad thing about being a loner is you won't know that the guy you're dating has had a girlfriend mysteriously disappear until it's too late. You have, most likely, better instincts than some people or have been more lucky. Probably a bit of both.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Having a conversation with them is always a good start. Dick-Doms tend to out themselves fairly soon in my experience. There's also the option of asking about them in the local community. If someone isn't the safest of play partners you're likely to get a suggestion of who "is more experienced and better able to help you learn."

Going to events and gatherings and just watching is helpful too. It provides you the opportunity to see how they interact and react to the people and the environment.

I am really new here, but I have already learned that Dick-Doms are NOT like Ding-Dongs at ALL.

 

[Que]

fun concept. As cutie mouse pointed out there are different disciplines within well, er discipline or not.


Lets take the actually possible method of a rating of feedback system of prior peoples experiences with a person of dominant predictions...

Even that wouldn't work because I think every person I interact with brings out some different impulse or not.

I think it really is just dating. Chemistry leads places that are mutually satisfying or it doesn't. Even your dud date, might be perfect for someone else.

 

[where]

It's just a human relationship like any other. The desire to quantify and turn everything into a checklist and tame the mystery with rules and flowcharts is what brings so many low-social-functioning nerds into this BDSM game to begin with.

but what about all those proper dominates who've trained in the oldest and strictest european BDSM houses? what will they do if there's no checklist?