Dom certification and identification?

[midwestyankee]

but what about all those proper dominates who've trained in the oldest and strictest european BDSM houses? what will they do if there's no checklist?

Save on pencils?

 

[where]

Save on pencils?

you are heartless! the poor things will be destined to wander hopeless and alone.

 

[midwestyankee]

you are heartless! the poor things will be destined to wander hopeless and alone.

Leaving all the more sensible submissive women for the rest of us.

 

[where]

Leaving all the more sensible submissive women for the rest of us.

you want sensible? really?

 

[midwestyankee]

you want sensible? really?

I tried batshit crazy. Got way too many tee shirts out of that.

 

[where]

I tried batshit crazy. Got way too many tee shirts out of that.

but 'sensible'?

 

[midwestyankee]

but 'sensible'?

I take sensible to mean has a rational brain and is willing to use it. Doesn't mean she can't get wildly adventurous from time to time. But when I want some clear rationality to work the relationship, I expect something beyond guano betwixt the ears.

 

[where]

I take sensible to mean has a rational brain and is willing to use it. Doesn't mean she can't get wildly adventurous from time to time. But when I want some clear rationality to work the relationship, I expect something beyond guano betwixt the ears.

OK, I can go with that.

 

[Netzach]

Depends what you want to do. Not everyone is into spiritually unifying dee ess that is completely subjective in its concept of "functional." Some people want to get hit with a cane or hung off the ceiling or hung off the ceiling by hooks and should be able to sift "I feel like I can do this so I can" bullshit from people who actually know something.

If you want to be ordered to clean things or want to be sexually used, even roughly, protecting your brain is pretty subjective stuff. Important, but subjective. one man's meat etc. etc.

However if you want to be tied up elaborately or have someone do fireplay (if you like that kind of thing) or elaborate electro stuff, you should be able to ask "has this person tied up someone 100 times like this or 100 people like this" and be able to get a straight answer.

"Local community" may be lacking, but it has its handy applications. I think it's an entry point as one hones their bullshit meters.

 

[Netzach]

The thing is, even with regular dating, you hear things about people, whether you're asking around. Obviously, you always want to take a rumor with a grain of salt, but that doesn't mean you should ignore it. If you hear that a guy has done jail time for beating up his girlfriend this is a warning sign. Or, in the kink world, if you hear that a guy doesn't respect safe words, pay attention. This doesn't mean you shouldn't double check the information, but at the same time you should ignore it. I don't even date and I can tell you which guys in the dating circle are players and which ones have short fuses, cause my sister and my best friend share this kind of information.

This. Exactly this.

And if you introduce someone to your friends and you can tell from 3 people (nonverbally or verbally) that they don't like the person, consider the validity of it.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

but what about all those proper dominates who've trained in the oldest and strictest european BDSM houses? what will they do if there's no checklist?

It will be anarchy! Anarchy, I say!

I failed my local certification because I couldn't parallel park my paddle.

 

[CutieMouse]

I suspect more than a little of my "meh" attitude about something like certification, is that I don't really geek out on typical Deee Eeessss sorts of stuff. Common sense, a wicked mind, and a good sense of humor matter more to me than if a guy knows how to use a cupping set, or do a suspension scene, or tie some really elaborate bondage somethingorother.... because odds are good I won't be doing nasty dirty kinky things with the sorts of men/people who are into cupping sets, suspension, or elaborate bondage (Netz and one or two others, excluded ).

I've also never dated anyone who was already "known" by my circle of friends, because I keep a dammed small circle and dating within that circle [to me] is a bit like the whole "don't sh*t where you eat" thing. I do, however, listen to my closest friend's opinions of men I bring into my life. I might not always agree with them, but I do listen.

 

[intothewoods]

Depends what you want to do. Not everyone is into spiritually unifying dee ess that is completely subjective in its concept of "functional." Some people want to get hit with a cane or hung off the ceiling or hung off the ceiling by hooks and should be able to sift "I feel like I can do this so I can" bullshit from people who actually know something.

If you want to be ordered to clean things or want to be sexually used, even roughly, protecting your brain is pretty subjective stuff. Important, but subjective. one man's meat etc. etc.

However if you want to be tied up elaborately or have someone do fireplay (if you like that kind of thing) or elaborate electro stuff, you should be able to ask "has this person tied up someone 100 times like this or 100 people like this" and be able to get a straight answer.

"Local community" may be lacking, but it has its handy applications. I think it's an entry point as one hones their bullshit meters.

I totally agree. I have a couple of friends who are way more into the scene than me, and if I want to play with someone new and the play is something like complex bondage, needles, etc., it doesn't hurt to get their take on the person.

 

[graceanne]

I do, however, listen to my closest friend's opinions of men I bring into my life. I might not always agree with them, but I do listen.

I meant to quote Netz on this too, but I agree. This is very important when dating.

 

[MasterandSir]

Is there any? If not there should be. Granted I’m new to this and am flushing out what I like and don’t like daily so part of the problem can definitely be laid at my feet, but holy guacamole I am frustrated with having to deal with fraudulent Doms. Simply pulling hair and saying “Bend over slut” does not a Dom make.

How great would it be if someone calling themselves a Dom could produce legitimate paperwork backing that claim? Just imagine, you would meet up with someone claiming to be a Dom and they would hand over the proper certification: “Here is my doctorate from Harvard (or wherever. I’m not an elitist!) and you see my emphasis was in Bondage and my thesis was on Spanking. Here is my license proving I can practice in this state.” Ahh, heaven.

So I guess what I’m asking is does anyone have a great system of weeding out or picking Doms? Any introductory tips? I’d like to go about it more organically than just pulling a list of questions out and checking boxes. I understand patience, trial and error are needed but if someone has some insights (like great Doms ring fingers on their left hand are longer than their middle fingers) that would be great.

I would just like to note I’m all for equal opportunity here, if there were any Sub Training Schools I’d be filling out the FAFSA faster than you could say…well, Sub Training School.

*Just got back from a horrible meet/date so hopefully this post doesn’t sound too bitter.

*walks up* here are my papers *presents a stack of certifications and walks away* do call if you need references

 

[where]

It will be anarchy! Anarchy, I say!

I failed my local certification because I couldn't parallel park my paddle.

thank you for the first laugh of the day!

*walks up* here are my papers *presents a stack of certifications and walks away* do call if you need references

dude, we know you have all the right training, papers and exams passed. your name gives it away.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

thank you for the first laugh of the day!

I want credit for that on the exam. Dammit.

 

[DVS]

Well a nice thing about being a loner is that you don't have to weed through stupid rumors to get to the real ones. A bad thing about being a loner is you won't know that the guy you're dating has had a girlfriend mysteriously disappear until it's too late. You have, most likely, better instincts than some people or have been more lucky. Probably a bit of both.

I might alter this post a bit by saying the good thing about being a loner is you can do what you want, and take your time. No need for social riff-raff, no rubbing elbows with the "in crowd" or dealing with the issue of "keeping up with the Jones".

The bad thing about being a loner is taking your time can be risky. The early bird gets the worm. Also, you don't get any benefit of the social scene's rumor mill, or those who gossip on the sidelines at parties. And because you don't hear about the rumors and the gossips, you don't find out that the guy you're dating has had a girlfriend mysteriously disappear, until you find yourself buried in a shallow grave beside hers.

There are good things and bad things about any angle, any method or any sense of judgment you might use to filter out fakes. There will always be those fakers who can learn from their mistakes and get past the next screening. Unfortunately, there are no fool proof ways and I think there should be.

I might be sticking my neck out a little by saying this but those in the experienced crowd tend to say you treat each one the same as you would any other date. Of course, they've come through the same ordeal, and have their experience to fall back on. But from the point of view of the newbie, does that really help that much?

I mean really...I understand what they mean, but if someone is asking for help, doesn't it stand to reason that they are lost because whatever means they have used just weren't working? So, tell them they have to develop a skill, a kind of woman's intuition that points out the red flags? Doesn't that take some time? Most newbies are in overdrive, desires flared up and nearly impossible to hold back. At least that's the way I was. They are looking for answers so they can get that hunger fed.

There are threads that have talked about this, in the past. Don't mess with the guy who talks down to you before he even gets to know you. If he says things like "Kneel at my feet, bitch" or the guy who says "you're not a true submissive" because you don't automatically kneel at his feet. Sure, those are small things, but they are tried and true things. If we don't already have such a thread, we should have. I'm guessing we do, but either nobody knows where it is, or it's really in several threads, instead of just one.

Yes, common sense is good, when you are looking for a Dom. But who listens to that, when their sexual desires are raging? And fakers know how to push the buttons to get those sexual desires to rage. That's some of their best stuff. We need to look at this from the newbie's point of view. We really should give them a few bullet points, kind of a newbie check list.

Literotica Librarian? I don't mean to put you on the spot, but we have the ability to seek such a list, but do you know if the library already have such a thread, or threads? I know we have safety threads for people just starting out, but is there one for what to look for in a fake, a wannabee or a creep?

 

[graceanne]

I might alter this post a bit by saying the good thing about being a loner is you can do what you want, and take your time. No need for social riff-raff, no rubbing elbows with the "in crowd" or dealing with the issue of "keeping up with the Jones".

I'm a very social person and I don't give a damn about the 'in crowd' or 'keeping up with the jones'. I surround myself with people I like, if they make me feel inferior in anyway then I don't want to hang out with them and I don't. This occasionally makes me unpopular, but I don't really care. I've found that in any group of people there are at least one or two people, sitting on the outside, who I like and we can sit and enjoy the fact that nothings changed since highschool. (We mostly do this at parents association stuff.) You've got the 'cool parents', the 'druggies', the 'geeks', etc. It's very amusing, especially when you're adult enough not to care.

I might be sticking my neck out a little by saying this but those in the experienced crowd tend to say you treat each one the same as you would any other date. Of course, they've come through the same ordeal, and have their experience to fall back on. But from the point of view of the newbie, does that really help that much?

Exactly.

Literotica Librarian? I don't mean to put you on the spot,

I've been spotted!

but we have the ability to seek such a list, but do you know if the library already have such a thread, or threads? I know we have safety threads for people just starting out, but is there one for what to look for in a fake, a wannabee or a creep?

Very, very likely. lol I'll look as soon as I get off the phone with social security ( ), and post what I find.

 

[graceanne]

you are heartless! the poor things will be destined to wander hopeless and alone.

Like the ants in 'bugs life' when that twigs falls in their way.

''I'M LOST! I CAN'T FIND THE LINE! IT WAS JUST HERE A MINUTE AGO!"

 

[DVS]

I'm a very social person and I don't give a damn about the 'in crowd' or 'keeping up with the jones'. I surround myself with people I like, if they make me feel inferior in anyway then I don't want to hang out with them and I don't. This occasionally makes me unpopular, but I don't really care. I've found that in any group of people there are at least one or two people, sitting on the outside, who I like and we can sit and enjoy the fact that nothings changed since highschool. (We mostly do this at parents association stuff.) You've got the 'cool parents', the 'druggies', the 'geeks', etc. It's very amusing, especially when you're adult enough not to care.



Exactly.



I've been spotted!



Very, very likely. lol I'll look as soon as I get off the phone with social security ( ), and post what I find.

A little ironic isn't it?

 

[where]

Like the ants in 'bugs life' when that twigs falls in their way.

''I'M LOST! I CAN'T FIND THE LINE! IT WAS JUST HERE A MINUTE AGO!"

we need to make signposts for them.

 

[DVS]

It will be anarchy! Anarchy, I say!

I failed my local certification because I couldn't parallel park my paddle.

OK, that brings up a red flag for me. While I'm not "certified", I don't know anything about parallel parking a paddle. I just keep mine in a holster, like everybody else. You must be one of those city slicker Doms.

 

[Skaoi]

I might be sticking my neck out a little by saying this but those in the experienced crowd tend to say you treat each one the same as you would any other date. Of course, they've come through the same ordeal, and have their experience to fall back on. But from the point of view of the newbie, does that really help that much?

I mean really...I understand what they mean, but if someone is asking for help, doesn't it stand to reason that they are lost because whatever means they have used just weren't working? So, tell them they have to develop a skill, a kind of woman's intuition that points out the red flags? Doesn't that take some time? Most newbies are in overdrive, desires flared up and nearly impossible to hold back. At least that's the way I was. They are looking for answers so they can get that hunger fed.

Yes! Your reply really hit me and this is exactly the way I am thinking and feeling. It's like I finally found this magical ingredient which was missing from life and I just want it you know? I'm not sure I can still claim the arrogance and impatience of youth, I'm 28, but it has been a battle of knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel and trying to enjoy the journey of reaching it. I've read/lurked on this site for a year and a half, have read how happy and satisfied some of you are, and just wanted to receive any words of wisdom of how you all got there. When I have moments of frustration I'll just repeat: patience is a virtue and experience is a hell of a teacher.

Oh and I swear I'll never type the word "certification" again on this board. I received a lovely PM on how someone thought I was a nazi trying to make BDSM conform.

 

[DVS]

we need to make signposts for them.

OK, who is going to print those itty bitty words for them to read? And do you speak ant?