Looking for slave advice.

[Babyslave]

Hello. I'm babyslave, new to the Discussion boards, really all of this. I've been on Lit for years, but until now, I've never needed to be here. Actually didn't even know of these boards.

So. I'm 46, and have always been interested in BDSM. My partner, though interested just can't bring himself to hurt me past a slap and tickle. I love him, but I've decided that I needed to know what I was missing. To take what I want for once.

So. I went and found myself a Master. I adore him, and he's been great in teaching me, instructing me, pushing me to discover my true sexual nature. Turns out, pain turns me on.
Who woulda thought!?

I've learned much, but still. All this is so very new to me. Some I've taken to quickly, and some I still balk at.

Ummm. Let's see. I have a tendency to put up walls every time he mentions loaning me out to other men. I mean, total shut down. I know it's all in my head. Remnants of being brutally raped in my late teens. I've gotten past most of that, but to date, I sleep with who I wish, when I wish and that's the end of that. Master insists that if I am to be truly his slave, then I must obey his every demand, and that this intruction will help me.

Funny, I get so turned on by the thought of he and I and a third, but a woman, not a man. Still a stranger, shouldn't be that much different.

Does anyone have any advice, or informatio on how to get past this last wall?

To simply get over it. To remember that pleasing him will in the end, give me great pleasure. I truly wish to be his most awesome slave. I want to obey him. Even when I don't understand his reasons for everything. I trust him as I trust no other.

I don't want either of us to lose that trust. I don't want either of us to regret anything.

I'd appreciate any and all input. I hope I've given enough information.

Thanks in advance,

Babyslave.

 

[CutieMouse]

You do realize that you may simply not be wired to be able to do as he asks [re: the sleep with whomever he decides], right? It doesn't make you any more or less of a slave to have that limit...

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Hello. I'm babyslave, new to the Discussion boards, really all of this. I've been on Lit for years, but until now, I've never needed to be here. Actually didn't even know of these boards.

So. I'm 46, and have always been interested in BDSM. My partner, though interested just can't bring himself to hurt me past a slap and tickle. I love him, but I've decided that I needed to know what I was missing. To take what I want for once.

So. I went and found myself a Master. I adore him, and he's been great in teaching me, instructing me, pushing me to discover my true sexual nature. Turns out, pain turns me on.
Who woulda thought!?

I've learned much, but still. All this is so very new to me. Some I've taken to quickly, and some I still balk at.

Ummm. Let's see. I have a tendency to put up walls every time he mentions loaning me out to other men. I mean, total shut down. I know it's all in my head. Remnants of being brutally raped in my late teens. I've gotten past most of that, but to date, I sleep with who I wish, when I wish and that's the end of that. Master insists that if I am to be truly his slave, then I must obey his every demand, and that this intruction will help me.

Funny, I get so turned on by the thought of he and I and a third, but a woman, not a man. Still a stranger, shouldn't be that much different.

Does anyone have any advice, or informatio on how to get past this last wall?

To simply get over it. To remember that pleasing him will in the end, give me great pleasure. I truly wish to be his most awesome slave. I want to obey him. Even when I don't understand his reasons for everything. I trust him as I trust no other.

I don't want either of us to lose that trust. I don't want either of us to regret anything.

I'd appreciate any and all input. I hope I've given enough information.

Thanks in advance,

Babyslave.

What does your partner say about you being loaned out to other guys?

 

[MikeIvy]

Babyslave,

You have the right to set limits, but if they don't agree with who you have as a master, you may loose them.

It is up to you how you set those limits.

 

[nosyme]

I have to say that I agree with the others here. You both I assume talked about and set up boundries. If not, maybe you two can sit down and discuss it now. If you do not want to lose one another and the love and the trust you have to come to agreements or resentment will set in.

 

[Babyslave]

CutieMouse, thanks for your reply. I mentioned I'm new to all this. Just checking out the terminology. I'm afraid that this might be one of those 'hard-limits' I just read of.

So much to wrap my head around, and most of it has been nothing but pleasurable. It's this one thing. I think you may be on to something. That he should be pleased with all I've done so far. I think Master and I will be talking of this a lot more. I think I just needed to know that there can be limits and that there may be somethings I'm just not capable of. Not because I don't want to follow his instructions, but because I simply can't. As you said. I may just not be wired for that.

Thanks again. So much. I appreciate the reassurance.

Babyslave

 

[Babyslave]

Hi Lizzie_Borden.

Well, my partner, as loving and supportive as he is has allowed me and my master to work thru some of this. Not exactly storming off in a huff, but not exactly sitting here and holding my hand either. He loves me, he accepts that I need to do this. He doesn't want to hear the details. But you're right. I've spent so much time concentrating on my Masters insistence, that I really haven't thought about the after effects of all this.

Sigh. Something else to stress out about.

I'm so glad I got up the nerve to do this, post this, I mean. Everyone has been so great. Different ways to look at things, remind me of things I should be thinking of. I appreciate it.

A lot.

Babyslave

 

[CutieMouse]

EVERYONE has something that is a limit of some sort. And just because you have a limit, even if it's a limit someone else doesn't have a problem with or doesn't think is a big dea, it doesn't make you less submissive/whatever than someone who doesn't have that [your] limit.

It just means you have a limit.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

I'll even give you an example of something really minor in my own life:

I'm not a big fan of the term "Master", and rarely (if ever) use the term "Sir". I dislike honorifics/titles, and prefer things like "Dear" or "Sweetheart" or "Love". If someone is so caught up in the superficial that they can't see the substance of *me*... they have no business attempting to command me.

On the surface, that sort of [obviously minor] limit may not seem very submissive of me, but it sure does weed out a hell of a lot of annoying PYL* types I have no interest in.

Am I less of who and what I am, simply because I use different words of endearment than some?

*PYL = Pick You Label (Dominant, Master, Top)

 

[Babyslave]

nosyme,

Hi. thanks for the reply. My god, all we do is talk. But, as I sit here writing this? I realize his talk has been mostly my instructions, telling me why, and expecting me to follow them. Then discussing how proud, or perhaps disappointed he is. My talk has been mostly looking for assistance, knowledge and discussion on how to follow them. We talk about lots of things, trust, care, respect, etc. I've never told anyone else as much as I've shared with him.

I know he cares for me. We mesh so damned well in so many things.

But. We haven't really come to terms with boundaries. The couple times I've tried to tell him that this appears to be the one single thing that is beyond my abilities, he resorts to threats. And when that results in me falling apart, he soothes and comforts me. Until he tries to convince me again.

I knew that this was going to be difficult. (trust issues on my part) I knew that I was going to have to share with him much more than I ever have before. I did NOT know that a Master, or at least THIS master was going to be so set on getting EVERYTHING he thinks I need.

Hey, everyone. Thanks for all the input. It helps just to get all this off my chest. Just throw it all out there. Phew.

Thanks!

Babyslave.

 

[MikeIvy]

EVERYONE has something that is a limit of some sort. And just because you have a limit, even if it's a limit someone else doesn't have a problem with or doesn't think is a big dea, it doesn't make you less submissive/whatever than someone who doesn't have that [your] limit.

It just means you have a limit.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

I'll even give you an example of something really minor in my own life:

I'm not a big fan of the term "Master", and rarely (if ever) use the term "Sir". I dislike honorifics/titles, and prefer things like "Dear" or "Sweetheart" or "Love". If someone is so caught up in the superficial that they can't see the substance of *me*... they have no business attempting to command me.

On the surface, that sort of [obviously minor] limit may not seem very submissive of me, but it sure does weed out a hell of a lot of annoying PYL* types I have no interest in.

Am I less of who and what I am, simply because I use different words of endearment than some?

*PYL = Pick You Label (Dominant, Master, Top)

Great post.....'Nuff said

 

[Babyslave]

God, CutieMouse.

You make it sound so simple. I don't mean that as an insult. You just summed up the whole thing in a nutshell.

I have a limit. No more, no less.

This, all this will give me things to think about. Put it all together in my chaotic mind and have a little sit down with my Master.

I kinda like calling him that. And he gave me the name of Babyslave. As in, being new to all this. But, that's usually during instruction. We have other 'pet' names that don't involve labels, or honorifics.

Thanks again.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

nosyme,

Hi. thanks for the reply. My god, all we do is talk. But, as I sit here writing this? I realize his talk has been mostly my instructions, telling me why, and expecting me to follow them. Then discussing how proud, or perhaps disappointed he is. My talk has been mostly looking for assistance, knowledge and discussion on how to follow them. We talk about lots of things, trust, care, respect, etc. I've never told anyone else as much as I've shared with him.

I know he cares for me. We mesh so damned well in so many things.

But. We haven't really come to terms with boundaries. The couple times I've tried to tell him that this appears to be the one single thing that is beyond my abilities, he resorts to threats. And when that results in me falling apart, he soothes and comforts me. Until he tries to convince me again.

I knew that this was going to be difficult. (trust issues on my part) I knew that I was going to have to share with him much more than I ever have before. I did NOT know that a Master, or at least THIS master was going to be so set on getting EVERYTHING he thinks I need.

Hey, everyone. Thanks for all the input. It helps just to get all this off my chest. Just throw it all out there. Phew.

Thanks!

Babyslave.

Resorting to threats is quite a bit of a red flag.

It sounds like he's starting to bully you to get what he wants.

You're new at all this. This sort of thing (finding limits) is going to keep happening as you explore things, and find out what is and isn't good for you. And yes, you have every right to want the things that are right for you, and not want the things that aren't.

The key there, is to find a partner who wants the same things, not someone who's going to throw a tantrum and get emotionally abusive every time it happens.

You need someone who'll guide you through this exploration, not force their ideals onto you. You've said it yourself. Everything he *thinks* you need. But who knows better what you need? You yourself, or someone else?

Seriously, find a way to communicate this with him, and insist on the respect you deserve as a human being.

 

[eastern sun]

Babyslave, have you met your Master face to face?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Threatening may be, for him, just part of his methods, and I find it very problematic. If he starts storming around, repeat "It's a hard limit. Not open to negotiation." If you want to hedge, you can say "It's a hard limit for now. Not ready to neogtiate it yet."

IMO, choosing to actively sub means you have to take more responsibility for your decisions than vanilla sex does. You're doing something that is NOT usual. You're opening yourself to all kinds of potentials-- for help or harm. Trusting another person to take care of every bit of it for you is, as you're discovering, a wee bit problematic.

 

[fuzawoni]

Babyslave, have you met your Master face to face?

important point. i sure hope so

 

[graceanne]

God, CutieMouse.

You make it sound so simple. I don't mean that as an insult. You just summed up the whole thing in a nutshell.

I have a limit. No more, no less.

This, all this will give me things to think about. Put it all together in my chaotic mind and have a little sit down with my Master.

I kinda like calling him that. And he gave me the name of Babyslave. As in, being new to all this. But, that's usually during instruction. We have other 'pet' names that don't involve labels, or honorifics.

Thanks again.

A step further from CM's very wise advice is that if you have a master who won't accept A hard limit you might want to reconsider this relationship. I can understand a master getting annoyed if you're one of those subs/slaves who's got a million limits, but you don't strike me as one of those.

Just something to keep in mind. If his issue isn't that he wants to share you but that he's pissed that you have a limit, he will never be content. He will always be looking for ways to make you prove that you don't have any limits and that can lead to bad bad places.

 

[chy_girl]

Listen to the nice ladies, dear. (And the newer people that I don't know yet.) They know what they're talking about. They helped me tremendously when I found myself in a very similar situation a year ago. Smart, smart ladies with lots of hard earned knowledge...

And a bit of food for thought that a friend tossed my recently:

"You are no one's slave, dog, slut, or sub until you give them that right. Only you can give it. No one can take or assume it without your permission." --Jack Rinella

We are no good at serving our PYL if we have forsaken who we are at our very core in order to do so... Remember that, ok?

 

[eastern sun]

We are no good at serving our PYL if we have forsaken who we are at our very core in order to do so... Remember that, ok?

Hear! Hear!

One of the most interesting parts of this journey is discovering those core elements. Lots of things can change, and some just don't.

 

[chy_girl]

Hear! Hear!

One of the most interesting parts of this journey is discovering those core elements. Lots of things can change, and some just don't.

Aye. And some that shouldn't.

 

[Vixandra]

Everyone has a limit somewhere, no matter which side of the proverbial paddle they are on.

You mentioned being raped as a teenager- have you told your Master about this? To give context to why you will not budge on this. If he wants what's best for you, he won't push on a hard limit, especially one based on a valid reason.

As submissive as you may be, a slave in every way, you are still a human being. You have the ability to say, "No, it is NOT going to happen. This is a hard limit and no longer up for discussion. Next topic?"

Be blunt and if you have to, write it down for him in a letter. He may take more time to consider you feelings on the matter if they're written out.

Out of curiosity, how much experience does your Master have? Not all PYL's are keen on the idea of sharing their partners with others. Aside from the psychological issues, the physical ones can be harsh as well. The risk of STD's grows with each new partner. Is he going to make sure all of those he shares you with have had the tests required to prove they are STD free? Condom's do not stop everything. They help a LOT and are a wonderful tool, but they are not perfect.

 

[JMohegan]

I'm going to suggest a change of wording. Because really, the pairing of: "I'm your slave," and "Here's my hard limit, quit bringing it up," is at best confusing.

Instead of focusing on the labels, I encourage you to explain to him the real issue at hand. Emotional trauma, issues with strangers, how the issues originated, how they manifest themselves, etc.

The way he responds to discussions of your mental health will tell you a lot about him, as an individual, and about how he perceives you, as a partner. Which brings me to....

I trust him as I trust no other.

Why?

Over what period of time, and how, did that trust develop?

 

[Primalex]

I'm not a big fan of the term "Master", and rarely (if ever) use the term "Sir". I dislike honorifics/titles, and prefer things like "Dear" or "Sweetheart" or "Love". If someone is so caught up in the superficial that they can't see the substance of *me*... they have no business attempting to command me.

On the surface, that sort of [obviously minor] limit may not seem very submissive of me, but it sure does weed out a hell of a lot of annoying PYL* types I have no interest in.

Of course they might think that if you can't even get over something so minor, you just look for someone to fuel your very own kinky sex fantasies and sort you out instead.

 

[CutieMouse]

Of course they might think that if you can't even get over something so minor, you just look for someone to fuel your very own kinky sex fantasies and sort you out instead.

Quite possible... And isn't it handy that either party can decide someone isn't a good fit for whatever reason?

 

[nosyme]

nosyme,

Hi. thanks for the reply. My god, all we do is talk. But, as I sit here writing this? I realize his talk has been mostly my instructions, telling me why, and expecting me to follow them. Then discussing how proud, or perhaps disappointed he is. My talk has been mostly looking for assistance, knowledge and discussion on how to follow them. We talk about lots of things, trust, care, respect, etc. I've never told anyone else as much as I've shared with him.

I know he cares for me. We mesh so damned well in so many things.

But. We haven't really come to terms with boundaries. The couple times I've tried to tell him that this appears to be the one single thing that is beyond my abilities, he resorts to threats. And when that results in me falling apart, he soothes and comforts me. Until he tries to convince me again.

I knew that this was going to be difficult. (trust issues on my part) I knew that I was going to have to share with him much more than I ever have before. I did NOT know that a Master, or at least THIS master was going to be so set on getting EVERYTHING he thinks I need.

Hey, everyone. Thanks for all the input. It helps just to get all this off my chest. Just throw it all out there. Phew.

Thanks!

Babyslave.

I have to say this..I don't like that you really feel threatened. Just my opinion here. We all have our own thoughts, desires and way of life. I personally thing that you should never feel threatened by one that loves you, that you love. In any relationship!! In am D/s relationship even more so. Trusting someone enough to truly be their s is no little task. I ramble at times so forgive me. It sounds like CutieMouse has her head on straight and her advice is probably the best to listen to. Just be sure what you choose is what is best for you. I wish you all of the best!! Please feel free to IM me anytime. I am new to this as well.

 

[Primalex]

Quite possible... And isn't it handy that either party can decide someone isn't a good fit for whatever reason?

Very handy. And very funny when there is a hypocritical topping.