My Gentle Alpha......

[tenchikoi]

I will be up front and say that I love my lesbian Alpha mate with all my heart. But even though she's dominant in most things, she refuses to give me what I need in bed due to her fear of 'hurting me'. Though I've assured her time and again that I desire and need a certain amount of pain to climax. She doesn't believe me and refuses to even try. Now, I'm going to love her and stay with her no matter what. But I'd really like to try to get through to her in some way so we can both enjoy sex again and have it be mutually beneficial. Is there anything I can do to ease her mind or help her warm up to the idea of being dominant in this new way? I would appreciate any helpful advice please.

 

[Kikori]

You might be able to show her by showing her yourself how pain can help you get off. If she literally sees it that [insert painful toy here] helps you orgasm, and that you're ready for the world after it's all done, she may open up to the idea.

It also may help to assure her that you're not after extremes, since even pinching and clawing can be a good kind of painful. That kind of pain is or can be very naturally occuring, so even just starting with showing the feelings by slowly getting more rough in bed should be another potential route.

 

[RawHumor]

Yes. A hands on approach may be the way to go. Gently take her hand and place it on your throat... or show her how you like to have your nipples pinched or twisted or tugged... maybe slap your own ass to show her how you enjoy it. There could be a bit of a fear of the unknown thing here.

Also, a lot of people associate sadistic sex with abuse so their brains won't let them see that it can be enjoyable for either party. Sometimes, just assuring a person that there is not only consent but desire for it (with more than just words) can help.

 

[Netzach]

I will be up front and say that I love my lesbian Alpha mate with all my heart. But even though she's dominant in most things, she refuses to give me what I need in bed due to her fear of 'hurting me'. Though I've assured her time and again that I desire and need a certain amount of pain to climax. She doesn't believe me and refuses to even try. Now, I'm going to love her and stay with her no matter what. But I'd really like to try to get through to her in some way so we can both enjoy sex again and have it be mutually beneficial. Is there anything I can do to ease her mind or help her warm up to the idea of being dominant in this new way? I would appreciate any helpful advice please.

Pain is, for you, a key sexual ingredient, without which you don't orgasm, is this pretty much right?

What feels really really good to her and gets her to climax?

Explain that it's like if someone just refused to do that for her or stopped just shy of it, or, wouldn't even acknowledge that that's what makes her come. Stop calling it "pain" and start calling it "stimulation."

It's harsh and she may not take well to it, but it's fair to you - you need to make it clear that this is really hurting your sense of sexual satisfaction.

 

[FungiUg]

Is there anything I can do to ease her mind or help her warm up to the idea of being dominant in this new way?

I think we're talking about sadism here, not domination. You're asking her to step outside her safe zone of dominance and learn something that she could be terribly scared of. I know it took me years (literally, about three) to go through the mental processing of learning to hurt someone I care about.

Also, be wary of asking someone to change. It's rare that people change unless they themselves want to. You asking may just apply pressure that causes other relationship issues. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying that you need to be wary of what's going to happen when you do, and ready to back off.

Having said all of that, the way I learned was through baby steps. Small things like over-the-knee spanking by hand, pinching nipples, biting. I'd recommend you start small and give her time to get comfortable with hurting you in little ways that don't seem threatening.

 

[tenchikoi]

I think we're talking about sadism here, not domination. You're asking her to step outside her safe zone of dominance and learn something that she could be terribly scared of. I know it took me years (literally, about three) to go through the mental processing of learning to hurt someone I care about.

Also, be wary of asking someone to change. It's rare that people change unless they themselves want to. You asking may just apply pressure that causes other relationship issues. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying that you need to be wary of what's going to happen when you do, and ready to back off.

Having said all of that, the way I learned was through baby steps. Small things like over-the-knee spanking by hand, pinching nipples, biting. I'd recommend you start small and give her time to get comfortable with hurting you in little ways that don't seem threatening.

Oh no, I've never pressured her at all. All I do is keep explaining to her what feels good to me. I tell her that I love her and enjoy our sex life, but feeling that sort of stimulation is what does it for me. We've done the spanking, biting, and nipple pinching. She said she did it for me because I liked it but it did nothing for her. I don't want her to do something she doesn't enjoy. I really don't know how to fix this.

 

[tenchikoi]

Yes. A hands on approach may be the way to go. Gently take her hand and place it on your throat... or show her how you like to have your nipples pinched or twisted or tugged... maybe slap your own ass to show her how you enjoy it. There could be a bit of a fear of the unknown thing here.

Also, a lot of people associate sadistic sex with abuse so their brains won't let them see that it can be enjoyable for either party. Sometimes, just assuring a person that there is not only consent but desire for it (with more than just words) can help.

She takes direction well when I show her what I like. But it's obvious she isn't enjoying doing it. I know I can't make her like it and I may have to give up on it if she's truly not comfortable with it like I'm thinking. I would be sad....

 

[tenchikoi]

You might be able to show her by showing her yourself how pain can help you get off. If she literally sees it that [insert painful toy here] helps you orgasm, and that you're ready for the world after it's all done, she may open up to the idea.

It also may help to assure her that you're not after extremes, since even pinching and clawing can be a good kind of painful. That kind of pain is or can be very naturally occuring, so even just starting with showing the feelings by slowly getting more rough in bed should be another potential route.

It's just that she can't understand hurting the one you love even when they ask for it in pleasure. It doesn't compute with her. We've done the spanking thing and she's seen how easily I orgasm from it. But it really made her uncomfortable and reluctant to try anything else after that. I don't know what else to do....

 

[Kojote]

We've done the spanking thing and she's seen how easily I orgasm from it. But it really made her uncomfortable and reluctant to try anything else after that. I don't know what else to do....

Seems kinda heartless to me.
She knows what gets you off and refuses out of reluctance. Maybe it's time for you to be a little selfish and take what you need?

I mean…
You don’t feel comfortable in pressing her to do what pleases you.
And you don’t feel comfortable with enjoying what pain you managed to bring her to inflict on you.

But how long will you feel comfortable without getting off?

 

[praefect]

It may be an empathy thing. I know I can't send my little one to do sadism on my behalf because she shares in the pain she causes, even if the receiver gets pleasure from it, she most certainly does not. It hurts her to hurt others.

If you have a dynamic like that going there is really nothing you can do. Causing you pain would always cause her pain. You would only be able to get off at a great cost to your alpha because in feeding your masochism she too would have to take something of it, but unlike you she doesn't have the build of turning it into something pleasurable for herself.

There is nothing selfish about that. Nothing heartless about that. Just the way things are.

It's like asking a submissive to top a submissive. Instead of getting energy out of that exchange it drains the submissive because it is not in the nature of the submissive to dominate.

 

[Kojote]

Err...
I disagree. At least partially...

Causing pain to somebody should be avoided, because of hurting the person.
If pain produces pleasure it can absolutely be considered to be on par with... say... caressing or something.

Maybe it isn't deliberately heartless to be hesitant by her alpha.
But she is reluctant to inflict the pain because of her viewpoint. Because of the way she interprets inflicting pain in general.

I do know what I'm talking about, because I had exactly the same problem.
I don't like hurting people. Especially the ones I love. But she doesn't get hurt by the pain. She gets an orgasm.
It's totally related to the point you view it...

Anyway...
I remember the troubles to overcome it.

@ tenchikoi
Try to point it out to her. Try to emphasize the difference between pain and harm.
Maybe she gets it somewhere down the road

(I hope this makes enough sense. Sometimes it can be pretty hard to express something you have in mind in another language.)

 

[tenchikoi]

Err...
I disagree. At least partially...

Causing pain to somebody should be avoided, because of hurting the person.
If pain produces pleasure it can absolutely be considered to be on par with... say... caressing or something.

Maybe it isn't deliberately heartless to be hesitant by her alpha.
But she is reluctant to inflict the pain because of her viewpoint. Because of the way she interprets inflicting pain in general.

I do know what I'm talking about, because I had exactly the same problem.
I don't like hurting people. Especially the ones I love. But she doesn't get hurt by the pain. She gets an orgasm.
It's totally related to the point you view it...

Anyway...
I remember the troubles to overcome it.

@ tenchikoi
Try to point it out to her. Try to emphasize the difference between pain and harm.
Maybe she gets it somewhere down the road

(I hope this makes enough sense. Sometimes it can be pretty hard to express something you have in mind in another language.)

She does understand. But because she's an empath, she feels everything I feel and feeling pain (even if it brings me pleasure) causes her pain. I wont pressure her about it and even if she never gets it I'm not going anywhere. I love her more than I love getting off.

 

[Kojote]

Mmh...
I keep thinking that it is an educational issue.

My mother and grandmother managed to impose a bunch of good manners on me. And it took me years to shrug them of...
Even today I am reluctant to inflict pain till there is absolutely no hint of a doubt that it is welcome.
It doesn't need to be an pronounced desire though. I'm pretty good at this empathy thing, too. At least in real life...

But if I am right your alpha won't get over this without confronting the background. And the fact that there is a difference between pain and harm.

This reminds me of a question:
Please stop it if this gets to intimate, but does she like pleasuring you the 'normal' way?
Without inflicting pain that is.
Or is she less interested in ‘taking care’ of you overall.

Please try to judge that as impartial as possible…

 

[tenchikoi]

Mmh...
I keep thinking that it is an educational issue.

My mother and grandmother managed to impose a bunch of good manners on me. And it took me years to shrug them of...
Even today I am reluctant to inflict pain till there is absolutely no hint of a doubt that it is welcome.
It doesn't need to be an pronounced desire though. I'm pretty good at this empathy thing, too. At least in real life...

But if I am right your alpha won't get over this without confronting the background. And the fact that there is a difference between pain and harm.

This reminds me of a question:
Please stop it if this gets to intimate, but does she like pleasuring you the 'normal' way?
Without inflicting pain that is.
Or is she less interested in ‘taking care’ of you overall.

Please try to judge that as impartial as possible…

She loves to pleasure me in every way possible, except when it comes to pain. She has no problem doing anything else and is always more than willing to try new things...as long as it doesn't involve hurting me.

 

[Kojote]

Sounds good to me.
So anything needed is to bring her to separate inflicting pain from doing harm.
Right?

Eh...
How much pain are we talking about?
Hard slaps, pinching nipples and gripping firm?
Or whipping your ass until blood starts oozing out of the streaks?

I admit that this might make a difference...

 

[tenchikoi]

Sounds good to me.
So anything needed is to bring her to separate inflicting pain from doing harm.
Right?

Eh...
How much pain are we talking about?
Hard slaps, pinching nipples and gripping firm?
Or whipping your ass until blood starts oozing out of the streaks?

I admit that this might make a difference...

All I would really need is for her to spank me. Not to the point of bleeding but just where my bottom is a lovely shade of red and perhaps a few hand prints. Some nipple pinching, twisting, gentle biting. Some hair pulling in the moment and being pinned beneath her like the submissive in me loves. Nothing too radical in my opinion.

 

[Kojote]

Nothing too radical in my opinion.

I agree on that.
I did some of those things to women who didn't even express any interest in pain.
Appears pretty normal to me...

So you have to approach it the subtle way.
When she holds you, tell her to hold you more firm; to show you her desire by strengthening her grip.
Try to overact the cautious approaches she takes on the thing a bit. Even if she doesn't really pull hard enough; act it out as if she does.
Show her a glimpse of the pleasure you will achieve out of this. If you do it in situations, were she isn't right into her rejection mode, she may well start to like it.

Or maybe it works to provoke anger a little bit.
The 'I was a bad girl' thing. But more subtle.
Tease her with it. Provoke it a little bit while engaging in your normal sexual activities. I dunno what her. Maybe some 'I catched a blot while wearing your favorite shirt' stuff or something.
Try to tease out an angry reaction. Preferably physical (stiffening grip or involuntary bite) and again overact your response.

Take your time and do it subtle. Every once in a while.
Associate your intense, lustful reactions with even the small giveaways of a little roughness. And maybe she starts getting more comfortable with it.

It is presumably as much a respect thing as it is a confidence thing.
This way she doesn't need to bother with the pain/harm/hurting stuff. She can fairly well stay within her personal comfort zone and get an insight into your turn ons, while not worrying about doing anything wrong.

You need to be patient, subtle and gentle. Especially patient, since it will take it’s time for her to change the way she thinks.
Do not, however, point it out. When she finally starts to get into it: Take it and be happy. Don’t press her to admit anything. Enjoy it and keep silent, or you will force her to confront mentally with her ‘wrongdoing’ (as she sees it).

I hope you got the point?
I mentioned it: It’s pretty much in my head, but expressing it in English is not easy sometimes.
Ask for everything you didn’t understand or that doesn’t seem to make sense. I’ll be glad to explain it further.

 

[FungiUg]

Oh no, I've never pressured her at all. All I do is keep explaining to her what feels good to me. I tell her that I love her and enjoy our sex life, but feeling that sort of stimulation is what does it for me. We've done the spanking, biting, and nipple pinching. She said she did it for me because I liked it but it did nothing for her. I don't want her to do something she doesn't enjoy. I really don't know how to fix this.

Sadly, it's not that simple. You can't fix something that just isn't there.

Also, people love to please the people they love (regardless of whether they are dominants or submissives). It's why, for example, I am only sadistic with women who enjoy that. So there will be pressure, even if you are not actively applying it, to your partner just from knowing that there is stuff you are into that she cannot give to you.

Once again, not to imply you shouldn't tell her. Just be aware of what she will be going through from her point of view.

 

[wynnie]

I just wanted to make one comment. I am in a simular situation. My husband isnt really into any of the spankings or things of that nature. I just wanted to say.... be careful. I wouldn't leave my husband over this but it did damage our relationship for a while. Your needs are important too. The whole reason a relationship works is because there is a give and take... even in the BDSM world. Dont let your feeling get pushed aside... communicate always.