Any thoughts?

[realcoolhand]

So, I'm reposting this from the BDSM personals section, since I'm just as interested in discussion as I am in finding the right woman. Hopefully I'll find a little insight on this board as well.

My woman and I are thinking very, very seriously about bringing one (or two, or three) submissive girls into our relationship. As we've discussed this, I've begun to wonder whether any women out there in sexyland might actually be interested, and if so whether we could meet their expectations. After all, even toys have needs. So what do you think, girls? Could you see yourself in a relationship with a young, sweet, very kinky couple? What would YOU need for that relationship to work? What are your concerns and expectations? I'm very interested to see what you have to say.

Any input? All is appreciated.

 

[Bandit58]

Seriously, good luck with that. It's not as easy as it sounds.

Sir and I have been looking for a third for casual play for ages, with limited success. In fact it's been well over a year since we had anyone.

It would also depend on what you want in terms of a relationship with this/these girl/s. Are you wanting to develop a poly family, or do you want casual, no strings attached fun? Compatibility with everyone involved is a BIG issue, and jealousy tends to rear its ugly head the majority of the time.

Good luck. Seriously.

 

[YourCaptor]

I'd say you'd sound like some weird perv. You'd probably have more success befriending people, and then asking them this.

 

[Eva1173]

I'm going to agree with YourCaptor.

A brief description of the dynamics between you and your woman, and how that would be when you "add a toy" would be needed eventually as well.

But yeah, talk, make friends, go slow..



oh, and sexyland, seriously?

 

[Dearelliot]

"Weird Perv" here? Really...I wonder, who here could pass the "Normal" test.

 

[Kitty_Schrödinger]

"Weird Perv" here? Really...I wonder, who here could pass the "Normal" test.

We're might be pervs, but some of us are tad bit weirder than others

 

[Eva1173]

"Weird Perv" here? Really...I wonder, who here could pass the "Normal" test.

What I meant with that was not some attack, just a gentle eyeopener.

If he eventually wants to find a girl instead of just looking for her, I think it's good to point out the obvious stuff, no?

 

[realcoolhand]

Weird perv?

Frankly, I AM a little shocked that folks on here would be so quick to identify folks as pervs because they're interested in a kinky, long-term, poly relationship. But at least you all carefully noted that I "sound like" a weird perv rather than asserting that we ARE weird pervs. That's a good sign, I suppose.

Still, I'd appreciate hearing from men and women who have been in this sort of relationship, considered this sort of relationship, tried this sort of relationship, et cetera. If you're not into it, while I appreciate the input, I doubt it will help round out my perspective. After all, I can walk down the street and find a dozen people to tell me that poly kink is "wierd" and "perverted."

 

[CutieMouse]

You're also kind of assuming "perv" is being used in a deragatory way.

you might start with thinking of what you bring to the table. Exactly why should some girl be desperate to join the harem? What does she get out of it? Will it be an equal (although D/s) partnership, or do you envision a primary sub, secondary level sub, etc? How stable is your relationship? How will you deal with jealousy? How will you incorporate another? How will finances be managed, etc? Really, poly relationships are the same as most, except they aren't.

my advice would be to figure out what made you & your fiancé click, and do your best to replicate that. There are poly message boards (I'm on the iPhone or I'd do a Google for you); the classic book on the subject is The Ethical Slut, but there's a newer one out that I think is called Opening Up that's good.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

You're also kind of assuming "perv" is being used in a deragatory way.

Yuh, it's almost a term of endearment for me sometimes.

Still, I'd appreciate hearing from men and women who have been in this sort of relationship, considered this sort of relationship, tried this sort of relationship, et cetera. If you're not into it, while I appreciate the input, I doubt it will help round out my perspective. After all, I can walk down the street and find a dozen people to tell me that poly kink is "wierd" and "perverted."

I like that you're asking potential partners about their expectations and needs. I do agree though, you need to let them know what you're offering. I'd think that not many would respond to an ad that didn't tell them much about the person making it.

There's also some poly threads here, from a little while ago, but have a search and dig them up. THey had some quality info in them, for those looking to get involved in that sort of a relationship.

eta: linkage cos I'm avoiding bed.

nh's thread

Homburg's thread

 

[Netzach]

Frankly, I AM a little shocked that folks on here would be so quick to identify folks as pervs because they're interested in a kinky, long-term, poly relationship. But at least you all carefully noted that I "sound like" a weird perv rather than asserting that we ARE weird pervs. That's a good sign, I suppose.

Still, I'd appreciate hearing from men and women who have been in this sort of relationship, considered this sort of relationship, tried this sort of relationship, et cetera. If you're not into it, while I appreciate the input, I doubt it will help round out my perspective. After all, I can walk down the street and find a dozen people to tell me that poly kink is "wierd" and "perverted."

I'm going to be thinking what any human being is going to be thinking. "What's in it for me." Oh, I might be suzy super slave who wants for NOTHING from her owners, but even she's going to be expecting behavior and attention from them that is not a walk in the park to give. What requirements other than the having of a pussy is she being sought after for? I'm getting that you're looking for a toy, well, there are objectification freaks out there, but now you've just narrowed it down to "women who basically want to be wind up pussy for a couple."

I'm going to be wondering why you're looking for someone to move in before you've really had some good NSA getting to know you fun with them as an individual to see if you're remotely into each other.

And so far, all I'm coming up with is that there's a horny couple who thinks it'd be fun. Good enough for a scene, IF you're remotely charming or interesting in ways that are not being made apparent by your "want ad" verbiage, not good enough for a relationship.

 

[YourCaptor]

Frankly, I AM a little shocked that folks on here would be so quick to identify folks as pervs because they're interested in a kinky, long-term, poly relationship. But at least you all carefully noted that I "sound like" a weird perv rather than asserting that we ARE weird pervs. That's a good sign, I suppose.

Still, I'd appreciate hearing from men and women who have been in this sort of relationship, considered this sort of relationship, tried this sort of relationship, et cetera. If you're not into it, while I appreciate the input, I doubt it will help round out my perspective. After all, I can walk down the street and find a dozen people to tell me that poly kink is "wierd" and "perverted."

The mistake you are making is assuming that if you put it out on the web, someone out of the hundreds who see it must be into it. That however is a mistake. The worlds a small place, and about 90% think alike, even if they say they don't. Culture doesn't spring up out of nothing you know, we all make it every single day, and in this culture what you are looking for is not exactly sought after.

I'm just telling you, it's not like fishing, it's like dating.

 

[Silkenvoice]

RealCoolHand, I am curious as to what sort of success you've had with the above personal ad.

I ask because I am curious as to what women would reply to an ad with such limited information.

You and your wife are hoping that one or more submissive females would be interested in putting themselves into your hands on the basis of such a slender introduction. In my experience, you need to put out there who you are, who your wife is, and, more importantly... have in mind exactly the kind of woman you are looking for when you are writing the ad. Speak to her.

I've a fair amount of experience in couples domination and the few times I've had the yen and haven't had people queued up on my dance card I've put the word out in my local BDSM community to good effect. I did put out a personal ad once, and the response was very nearly overwhelming. It went something like this:

FemDom available for D/s session, couples only.
You are: A couple interested in a shared domination session. Both need not be submissive--double-Top sessions are also part of my repertoire. Prior D/s experience preferred not required. Age, race, and size are not important, however, health, hygiene and energy compatability are.
I am: 35, HWP, college-educated professional active in the lifestyle as a Dom for the past 5 years. Additionally, I've 15 years of experience using strap-ons with both men and women and 10 years as a Nawashi rope artist (shibari/kinbaku). I am a sensual, stern, and occasionally sadistic Domme who enjoys power exchange sessions involving spanking, teasing, denial, and forced orgasms.
Safe, sane and consensual. My dungeon or yours. Public first meeting to determine compatability. References/recommendations and photos available upon request.

 

[realcoolhand]

Well . . .

The snide tone of a few respondents aside, I'd like to thank cutie mouse and Lizzie Borden for really thoughtful replies. It seems that most all the posters fall into two camps: those who think I should share exactly and precisely what we're looking for, and those who would appreciate hearing more of what we have to offer.

As to the former camp, all I can say is that it doesn't seem reasonable to narrow the field so much so early. Of course, there are a few qualities that are an absolute must: a workable partner should of course be submissive and kinky, but also kind, honest, intelligent, ambitious in the best but most general sense, and hopefully possessed of both the understanding that life is what you make it and the sense that she is capable of making the life she wants. Beyond that, it is, as YC pointed out, like dating, and anyone who dates like they shop--with a particular object in mind--will have a tough time with it.

As for what we have to offer, that's probably more on point, but is nearly as fluid. After all, we can't be summed up any more easily than our hopefully eventual third, and all relationships begin with negotiations that never quite end. What I can say is that we can offer a stable relationship for a third to engage with (remember, she'd be dating us together, not each of us), based on nearly a decade's worth of trust built by each always putting the other first, and conscious mindfulness of one another's needs, fears, joys, et cetera. As an added and consequential bonus, she would find a couple each half of which has a practiced and well refined sense of empathy.

As for finances, that would depend on everyone's circumstances. We are quite comfortable, and trending upwards. That said, I understand that financial security is a precondition to emotional security, especially in a non-traditional relationship, and that that a non-consensual power dynamic can develop between partners of unequal means. That sort of dynamic should be avoided at all costs, and would be. Perhaps the complex contractual arrangements upon which same sex couples have regrettably been forced to rely could serve as a useful template in that area. Suffice to say she would have more than a vague promise not to be left out in the cold.

Although it's probably obvious by now, we're not really contemplating a one-night stand--at least, that's not all we're contemplating. And I hope that its equally apparent this isn't something we take lightly, or want to jump into immediately. I expect that we're working with perhaps a two- to three-year horizon, with plenty of dating in between, before anything crystalizes. The purpose of this post wasn't really to find a partner, at least not for next week, but to begin getting a sense of what is out there, and the sense I get is that a few are interested but skeptical, and haters gonna hate.

 

[BiBunny]

As a member of what we jokingly refer to as a harem, I can say it's a lot harder than most people can possibly imagine. There's me, my Owner people (a married dominant M/F couple), and my girlfriend who also submits to them in certain ways.

I'm not a jealous person at all, and neither is Kitty (my girlfriend, who is also on this site). But I can tell you that even without jealousy on either of our parts, it's almost been too much for me on many, many occasions.

It's also going to be hard to find anyone who's willing to join that kind of situation.

 

[Netzach]

It's not snark, it's realism.

A lot of people want women to join them - like everyone. A lot of couples want to share a femsub. Like every other one.

If you can't articulate why you rock in ways that they don't you are going to be frustrated - this involves articulating what it is about your personalities, skills, rockingness, sense of humor - you know the things that attract people. "Growth potential" is reassuring, but it's not exciting.

And ditch the idea that she's dating "both of you" and not "each of you" that's not the case unless you always agree on everything and share a personality. Interpersonal chemistry and the differences in people is what makes this challenging and worth doing.

The women who will consider your relationship structure are not monolithic. Some women are iconoclasts and can't be happy in any relationship format OTHER than what you propose - some won't want the degree of commitment you're talking about, some will - you can't be sure what kind of reassurance will be a buy in. Personally, I'd wig out if people were getting detailed about finances in a want ad - I want to know if you like movies that don't suck. Don't be afraid to deal with superficial likes and dislikes - they're an important ingredient in the glue of cohesion.

I'd also want to be approached by the other woman in the triad. I feel very strongly about this - a lot of women are burned by females in triads being reluctant accessories and finding out only after the fact.

 

[kittyn_]

First and foremost, -not- the kitty mentioned by BiBunny.

As for the original post, I think it's kind of amusing that you admit to having no actual experience in the type of relationship you're seeking, but mentions seeking 'One (or two, or three)'.

You gotta realize that while a submissive female interested may be all right with or want a relationship with a couple, she may not want to be part of a string of competing girls, or at least not immediately. Any additions should be discussed by EVERYONE involved in the relationship, Dom, sub, what have you. At least in my opinion, you should start with looking for one female without limiting the future, but you'll need to let the new relationship(s) stable out before even considering adding more.

Just my two cents on the matter, but I wouldn't even consider responding to an ad like this if I were looking. It's just screaming the possibility of serious issues to come, and jumping in before legitimately testing the water.

 

[Netzach]

First and foremost, -not- the kitty mentioned by BiBunny.

As for the priginal post, I think it's kind of amusing that the OP admits to having no actual experience in the type of relationship he's seeking, but mentions seeking 'One (or two, or three)'.

You gotta realize that while a submissive female inetersted may be interested in having a relationship with a couple, she may not want to be part of a string of competeing girls, or at least not immediately. Any additions should be discussed by EVERYONE involved in the relationship, Dom, sub, what have you. At least in my opinion, you should start with looking for one female, perfect in your situation, not limiting the future, but you'll need to let the new relationship(s) stable out before even considering adding more.

Just my two cents on the matter, but I wouldn't even consider responding to an ad like this if I were looking. It's just screaming the possibility of serious issues to come, and jumping in before legitimately testing the water.

Yeah, the initial post was very cavalier about the women in question - if you don't want honest answers, don't look for them.

Re-read what you wrote. The only thing about her was "even toys have needs." and one or two or three - you don't seem to understand that you are in the one-down position in this search - the women you are looking for can afford to be *extremely* selective.

 

[Bi_Kitty]

As a member of what we jokingly refer to as a harem, I can say it's a lot harder than most people can possibly imagine. There's me, my Owner people (a married dominant M/F couple), and my girlfriend who also submits to them in certain ways.

I'm not a jealous person at all, and neither is Kitty (my girlfriend, who is also on this site). But I can tell you that even without jealousy on either of our parts, it's almost been too much for me on many, many occasions.

It's also going to be hard to find anyone who's willing to join that kind of situation.

As Bunny, said it is harder than most imagine. I'm not really emotionally involved, except with Bunny, but it has even been too much for me.

First and foremost, -not- the kitty mentioned by BiBunny.

Yeah, that would be me.

 

[jaga7337]

many 3 somes end in bad jealousy so be careful what you wish for

 

[Homburg]

It's not snark, it's realism.

A lot of people want women to join them - like everyone. A lot of couples want to share a femsub. Like every other one.

Yes, to the point where there is a term for it in the poly community - "unicorn". In many places, it is derogatory, as the 'couple' (usually just the male of said couple) seeking is seen as a douche for the apparent sin of looking for another woman to join 'his' harem.

I don't truck with that idea, as, well, not every couple looking for another woman is populated by douchebaggery. That said, it is very easy to come off sounding like an self-absorbed ass.

The women who will consider your relationship structure are not monolithic. Some women are iconoclasts and can't be happy in any relationship format OTHER than what you propose - some won't want the degree of commitment you're talking about, some will - you can't be sure what kind of reassurance will be a buy in. Personally, I'd wig out if people were getting detailed about finances in a want ad - I want to know if you like movies that don't suck. Don't be afraid to deal with superficial likes and dislikes - they're an important ingredient in the glue of cohesion.

This, very much so. Finances in a personal ad? Yep, gonna cruise right on by that ad. "Okay, I admit it, I like really cheesy, bad movies," or something like that? Might read it.

I'd also want to be approached by the other woman in the triad. I feel very strongly about this - a lot of women are burned by females in triads being reluctant accessories and finding out only after the fact.

And I was going to suggest this myself. Have your partner approach. You will be met with less scorn, and those looking might be more willing to look closely, for the reasons Netz listed above.

Overall, good luck. You'll need it.

 

[realcoolhand]

Thanks for all the great feedback. I do feel like I should respond to one recurring theme, though, namely that its inappropriate to bring up finances in this forum. In fairness, I did so in response to a direct query:

Exactly why should some girl be desperate to join the harem? What does she get out of it? Will it be an equal (although D/s) partnership, or do you envision a primary sub, secondary level sub, etc? How stable is your relationship? How will you deal with jealousy? How will you incorporate another? How will finances be managed, etc? .

In response to another:

f people were getting detailed about finances in a want ad - I want to know if you like movies that don't suck.

All I can say is that all the movies I like do suck. My woman likes good movies, though.

 

[Netzach]

Thanks for all the great feedback. I do feel like I should respond to one recurring theme, though, namely that its inappropriate to bring up finances in this forum. In fairness, I did so in response to a direct query:



In response to another:



All I can say is that all the movies I like do suck. My woman likes good movies, though.

There you go. A femsub who likes movies where shit blows up with regularity would be high on my list, too.

My husband and I talked about Chicago eateries for a half hour, exchanged phone numbers, and plain forgot to find out if we were even on the right sides of the BDSM divide, the first time we met (happily we were, but I really had no idea, he had no strong I AM SUB vibe)

Dating is dating is dating and it usually blows. LOL.

 

[realcoolhand]

Sorry

I meant my fiancee . . . I just call her "my woman."

 

[DVS]

Hey, I'm normal. I'm your average, run of the mill perv. That's as close to normal as we get, here. Hey, don't look at me like that. I'm entitled to my opinion just like anybody else.

And another thing. I'm first class, too! I'm a first class, average, run of the mill perv.