Erotic visibility

[eudaemonia]

In another thread, silverwhisper asked and I replied:

11. what brought you to lit? << The desire to give and receive erotic visibility.

... and then ...

i'd like to know more about this: it sounds positively ripe with reasons. :>

More about erotic visibility or why I came here looking for it?

So, if erotic visibility is the experience of being seen and accepted for who and what one is sexually, then I came here out of a sense of isolation and frustration with what I perceived as the oppressiveness of the sexually 'nilla world.

I'll add more when I'm not so drained but I wanted to launch this intensely important (to me) topic straightaway. Let the exploration begin.

 

[NightL]

oppressiveness of the sexually 'nilla world

I can appreciate that in some, or maybe many cultures, this may be true... but outside of that, my opinion is that much of the oppressiveness is not brought on by others but how ourselves as individuals react to the world around us. Why have you felt this "oppressiveness" to be? ...and how have you felt it? Why could you not express yourself with erotic visibility in an environment beyond Literotica? The choice is yours to make. Are you actually the one oppressing yourself?

 

[eudaemonia]

I can appreciate that in some, or maybe many cultures, this may be true... but outside of that, my opinion is that much of the oppressiveness is not brought on by others but how ourselves as individuals react to the world around us. Why have you felt this "oppressiveness" to be? ...and how have you felt it? Why could you not express yourself with erotic visibility in an environment beyond Literotica? The choice is yours to make. Are you actually the one oppressing yourself?

Note that I wrote of my perception in the past tense, as in prior to discovering Lit-e. (I lurked for about a year before signing up.) Suffice for now to say that my perspective changed radically within a few months of careful reading and rethinking my assumptions. (And of course the choice was mine to make -- always was, always will be. Your point is not lost on me.)

The reasons why I felt as I did back then are better saved for later. Time now to eat some pillow.

 

[NippleMuncher]

So what you're saying is that you needed an outlet to discuss, role play, or whatever other things of a sexual nature that you don't or can't outside of this forum?

I think I understand, to a certain degree that's why I'm here as well. I'm a sexual being, my SO isn't so much. Sex is very vanilla for me, not that I've got any major kinks or anything, but variety is the spice of life, and there ain't no variety at home ... I love my girl, and there are circumstances that do inhibit our freedom, but things were way different when we first got together, now ...

I love to flirt and play, something that I can only do sparingly in real life, here I can do it with many other playful Litsters. Being able to read, as well as participate in frank sexual discussion is also fulfilling. Then there's the general camaraderie around here that allows us to say and do things here that otherwise we wouldn't.

Of course, there's always the troublemakers like Ed who have to stir the pot ...

 

[NightL]

Note that I wrote of my perception in the past tense, as in prior to discovering Lit-e.

Always good to hear of awareness growing and new perceptions developed. A pet subject of mine, and I think it fits into this discussion, is where people perceive how their emotional states are controlled by others or outside influences. You have discovered through exposure to Literotica that you now have the option of control with your erotic visibility beyond these confines.

I am not implying that you are now complaining or indeed NippleMuncher... but too often emotional states are what we impose upon ourselves. I can choose to react to a situation or not react. I can choose to try and change a situation or realise that I can't... how I react to that is my own responsibility. If someone finds that their only outlet for erotic visibility is a forum such as this, then they really need to ask themselves who is really responsible for that situation. "My partner does not.... etc" should not stop a person being who or what truly makes them happy. Oppression too often is self imposed and the emotions evoked from this are also self imposed.

Of course it is wonderful to have such an environment as this but we also as individuals ultimately have the choice how we lead our lives beyond here. Sure there can be (self imposed) constraints such as religion or other constraints as in cultural or prison walls, but we can either choose to change something... walk away from something/someone if changes can't be made or choose to stay with no change when it is actually desired. If it is the latter, then the only person to blame for a situation, such as a lack of erotic visibility, is ultimately one self.

OK I am rambling...

Erotic visibility has never been an issue for me. I will of course be respectful to those around as I feel the need to be respectful online as well.

To give some insight to my above ramblings... I thought someone was making me angry for many many years... while I will never forgive their actions, I finally realised that I was responsible for my own feelings of anger. I chose to stop feeling that way... I took control of my emotions and ultimately how the person influenced me. They still continued to do silly and sometimes vengeful things. I chose not to get angry, ignored them as best possible and finally got on with my own life a much happier person.

If anyone reading this thread feels "I have no erotic visibility outside of Literotica" then what exactly are you doing about it? If you are doing nothing then don't whine, you alone are responsible for that situation. (comment most definitely not aimed at eudaemonia or NippleMuncher)

 

[eudaemonia]

You have discovered through exposure to Literotica that you now have the option of control with your erotic visibility beyond these confines.

I find this assessment a bit perplexing given that I don't believe we've met. The "option of control," if I understand what you mean by that, has never been in question for me.

The short history is that I've always been comfortable with eroticism and my psycho-sexual desires. Until my mid 30s I was blissfully ignorant to the fact that a good number of proclivities and activities of mine were considered kink. The kink on top of that, however, was that my need for exclusivity increasingly drew negative commentary from those in my social circles and prospective dating pools who otherwise shared my sex positive outlook. In one sense I consider myself extremely fortunate to have groped through life for so long in blindness to the nature of my preferences. OTOH, after a long spell between relationships I was beginning to wonder whether I'd ever find another partner who "got me" like most of my past lovers did. Thus my search for like minds, terminating here on Lit. So it's not that I had never experienced erotic visibility, I was just temporary adrift of those sources.

 

[eudaemonia]

So what you're saying is that you needed an outlet to discuss, role play, or whatever other things of a sexual nature that you don't or can't outside of this forum?

Yeah, something like that. An important component of my participation here is wanting to extend some psychological if not erotic visibility since I feel I have so much to spare. By nature I am lassiez faire. Moreover, honoring others' preferences by not aggressing against them on matters of taste or preference is about the best gift I can offer.

 

[Berwyn]

NightL,
While I agree that we are ultimately responsible for our own feelings, perceptions and reactions, I think it's a bit naive to say that anyone can simply walk away from any situation from which they feel they are being restrained.
Human beings are social creatures. That's why we are all here; to interact with others with similar interests. Most people truly NEED social stimulus. If you don't believe that, check out some of the documented effects of inmates that have been in solitary confinement for years.
Because we as a species value social contact, some compromise is inevitable. Thankfully, we are all at least a little different. No two people will have exactly the same values, likes, or dislikes. That becomes the dilemma; we are all individuals that crave intimacy.
It is a very lucky and rare relationship when the two people mesh on the majority of their values. For most of us, some disappointment in one area is deemed reasonable to remain connected to another area of the relationship. Finding the balance is the key.
Maybe that's just me projecting my own thoughts and situation on others, but from reading here and many other boards it seems what I'm saying is more common than not. To function as social creatures, some disappointment is inevitable.
And to Eudaemonia: Thank you very much for the eloquent description of "sexual visibility". Those words describe exactly what keeps me posting here.

 

[NightL]

I find this assessment a bit perplexing

...not really intended as an assessment... more just how I read "sense of isolation and frustration with what I perceived as the oppressiveness of the sexually 'nilla world" and "Suffice for now to say that my perspective changed radically within a few months of careful reading and rethinking my assumptions."

Re. Berwyn's comment "I think it's a bit naive to say that anyone can simply walk away from any situation from which they feel they are being restrained"

...I agree and disagree...

When I offered insight to my approach and opinion here, I mentioned that I also had been in a situation that well indeed lasted over eighteen years... a prolonged and vicious verbal barrage that also impacted tremendously on others very dear to me. I felt totally trapped, anger and rage about the situation grew and festered as I felt I had no outlet for these emotions. Ultimately this was pushing me closer and closer to anxiety and mental health problems.

The answer came... and it was so simplistic... so easy... I could not believe how this had escaped me for so many wasted years. It was totally life changing... I suddenly realised that it was not this other person making me angry, it was how I responded to their actions. I was in charge of my emotions. So I chose to no longer react... I chose to no longer be angry... I chose no longer to feel oppressed... The person no longer deserved any of my thought or time. While the verbal attacks and ranting continued for sometime after... they no longer touched me.

I was stunned by the simple realisation of how oneself having the power of ownership over our own emotions could lift such a weight within 24 hours.

To take control was ultimately so very very simple... but it did take me eighteen years to understand that.

I did not mean to steer this thread into a different direction... apologies if this seems to be the case. I came in hard about this as I thought the thread's theme could turn into a lot of people complaining about their lives outside of Literotica.

The above may give more understanding to a line in my first post in this thread:

my opinion is that much of the oppressiveness is not brought on by others but how ourselves as individuals react to the world around us

To be honest, I don't really know how I would have responded to this advice if it had been offered to me at the start of that journey or any time after. It was a self realisation. Maybe the "oppressiveness of the sexually 'nilla world" can be changed for some far more easily than they thought.

 

[Berwyn]

"The answer came... and it was so simplistic... so easy... I could not believe how this had escaped me for so many wasted years. It was totally life changing... I suddenly realised that it was not this other person making me angry, it was how I responded to their actions. I was in charge of my emotions. So I chose to no longer react... I chose to no longer be angry... I chose no longer to feel oppressed... The person no longer deserved any of my thought or time. While the verbal attacks and ranting continued for sometime after... they no longer touched me."

This, I can totally understand. I had a similar revalation recently, but even when you realize it, it's hard to change years of behavior.

Don't want to derail this thread further.

 

[silverwhisper]

eudademonia, i've enjoyed reading this thread and the musings you had, and that you've come to hold now, at least insofar as i understand them.

can you speak a bit about the oppressiveness of the vanilla world? in what ways does the vanilla world not work for you? i think i'm inferring that your preferred kink is BDSM: ?

ed

 

[eudaemonia]

Apologies for the tardy reply; unavoidable work, taxes, life interruptions.

can you speak a bit about the oppressiveness of the vanilla world? in what ways does the vanilla world not work for you?

Yes I can, in a little bit.

i think i'm inferring that your preferred kink is BDSM: ?

BDSM is not my thing. I stumbled into the BDSM fora by happenstance and continue to enjoy it for the personalities and particular threads; for example, the 'Chain Trick' thread is one of my faves. I don't view the activity as such as BDSM but understand its power just the same.

 

[goldenass]

I really like this concept of erotic visiblity. For me the idea imparts an important sense of acceptance, a rare freedom to celebrate (instead of fearing) all that is sexual. And yeah...I do not see that celebration openly happening in my vanilla neighbourhood either. My corner of society is not quite there yet.

The recognition of sexual courage is abundant on this site, and as many times as I have seen it, I feel good far beyond just being aroused. Members who timidly post pictures or stories are rewarded by being seen and wanted. That is a pretty big deal really. Who we are, what we offer can be so geniunely desired by others, often passionately. Nothing more needs to happen to make being here very worthwhile.

So, I would say this is a sexually nourishing environment, in which the concept of erotic visibility is a wonderful exploration. There are trolls, and immature idiots, of course, but they are fairly easy to pass by.

Hope this thread keeps going...and thanks for starting it, eudaemonia.

 

[mntcmn]

learn

I'm trying to learn.
M

 

[Luna_Bella]

in some aspects I agree with NightL, I do believe that everyone makes their own choices,

But Eudaemonia also has a point when she states that society oppressed erotic visibility, Often someone like me(or many of us litsters) in real society would be tagged as marginal if our extensive erotic side was to be revealed. Some of us would be passed as perverts, sluts, whores etc.(pick your title) When really we are just maybe more sensitive and aware of sexuality and everything that relates to it than most people we know. For example on of my friend "lovingly" called me a "slutmuffin", as group of young adults we were discussing sexually transmitted illnesses, when one of the guys brought up yeast infections as a strictly feminine issue, don't worry I setting him straight before he could even finish his sentence, then came the omg would'nt it be messed if you could get athlete's dick (athlete's foot on your privates) I was looking at them completely dumbfounded, How could they not know about Jock's itch? Once I knowledgeably informed them, the friend I refered to earlier just looked at me with a smirk and said "well, aren't you quite the slutmuffin!"

Contrarily to eudaemonia, I am not here because I feel isolated and frustrated of the vanilla world. I find that I started to visit and post here for knowledge, I enjoy learning and gathering information, and sexuality and sensuality are in my opinion, very interesting and I couldn't gather much in my 'nilla world,not by oppression but because most of the people I am in contact with could not feed me any knowledgeable info.

I know that I could change the people around me, to be surrounded with people that most resemble me, but I choose not to, I am quite happy with the way things are. I know what I am and who I am and I do not need anymore erotic visibility than what I am actually getting, I enjoy knowing that people don't know, it is my little secret.