With Apologies To The Patient Ones

[Mac98]

I've got a question that I just can't get my head around. Considering my current situation some of you are familiar with, how long does it usually take to get over someone? For those who aren't aware and care to be informed, I've got a mad crush on my friend's girlfriend (though I had a mad crush on her LONG before they ever started dating) and I've done everything in my power to forget her. Trust me, EVERYTHING!

I live about 12 hours away from my friend and his girlfriend (only since this past august) and only in the last month or so have I started corresponding with both of them. None of them know a thing, but the little that He DOES know, it's safe to say he wouldn't hold it against me.

I'm seriously at my wits end. I had left a shirt at their place before leaving which he gave back to me this christmas when I went down to visit my family. They let me know that she (his girlfriend, who I'm in love with like an IDIOT!) had used it to sleep one night not long ago and her smell was all over it. I washed it of course, but it was a dagger to my heart.

Does God hate me? Or is this all the normal proccess of love? I'm grasping at straws for any new advice cuz I'm about to flip into insanity any time soon... oy!

 

[kaycee217]

Find another girl to swoon over. That helps. A lot.

Try breaking off contact with them, or at least the girl.

By the way, I assume having a threesome with them, having her date both of you at the same time, etc. is out of the question?

 

[Mac98]

Find another girl to swoon over. That helps. A lot.

Try breaking off contact with them, or at least the girl.

By the way, I assume having a threesome with them, having her date both of you at the same time, etc. is out of the question?

lol ya, it's absolutely out of the question... but for me too. I'm not just looking for sex, I want the whole thing. The connection, the friendship, the contact...

I've broken contact with both of them for at least a year... which didn't help at all. I cut contact from August to December... which didn't do anything either. I have many (well, at least a few) other female friends, some I even find attractive, but I'm nothing more than friends with them. Sounds a bit like the story of my life... always falling into that "friend" zone. I know finding another girl might help, but I'm not certain it would let me forget about her...

 

[kaycee217]

lol ya, it's absolutely out of the question... but for me too. I'm not just looking for sex, I want the whole thing. The connection, the friendship, the contact...

I've broken contact with both of them for at least a year... which didn't help at all. I cut contact from August to December... which didn't do anything either. I have many (well, at least a few) other female friends, some I even find attractive, but I'm nothing more than friends with them. Sounds a bit like the story of my life... always falling into that "friend" zone. I know finding another girl might help, but I'm not certain it would let me forget about her...

You can get all that with a friends with benefits relationship.

Do you want a serious girlfriend?

 

[Mac98]

You can get all that with a friends with benefits relationship.

Do you want a serious girlfriend?

Naw, the last girlfriend I had was more of a "fuck friend", as they call it (though I hate the term)... and I'm never going there again. With her, I would be the happiest man on Earth if given a serious relationship... but would settle with simply forgetting her...

 

[kaycee217]

Naw, the last girlfriend I had was more of a "fuck friend", as they call it (though I hate the term)... and I'm never going there again. With her, I would be the happiest man on Earth if given a serious relationship... but would settle with simply forgetting her...

Well, many want a serious relationship, but can't have it. Unrequited love isn't that rare. At least knowing you're not alone might help?

What's keeping you from finding another girl to seriously date? Because you keep ending up in the friend zone? Also, why would you never have a "fuck friend" again?

 

[littlebabyclit]

Action primes the mood pump, not the other way around. Do what you should, what you must (work on finding another gal to swoon over) and the rest will come...

 

[Mac98]

Well, many want a serious relationship, but can't have it. Unrequited love isn't that rare. At least knowing you're not alone might help?

What's keeping you from finding another girl to seriously date? Because you keep ending up in the friend zone? Also, why would you never have a "fuck friend" again?

I seem to have an amazing knack at falling in the "friend" zone. It never fails. I seem to always repeat the patterns that get me stuck there in the first place. I have no clue as to what I'm doing wrong to get me into these situations. Although I cherish the friendship I have with them now.

And the last girlfriend I had was more of a "friend with benefits" as you put it, more than a girlfriend. We had been friends for about 6 months before we started getting intimate and it just so happened that, in the end, things started getting too weird. Mostly becuase, although I was quite attracted to her, I had no sentimental, emotional feelings toward her. Today, we still speak, but things are always awkward. That's why I don't plan on having another friend like that.

Action primes the mood pump, not the other way around. Do what you should, what you must (work on finding another gal to swoon over) and the rest will come...

I've tried... but like I said, I can't seem to escape from the friend zone. Everything always ends up being "I like you, as a friend". And I may not be Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, but I'm sure as hell no Steve Buscemi either, you know... perhaps falling in love with someone else would help, but it's easier said than done, at least in my case.

 

[kaycee217]

And the last girlfriend I had was more of a "friend with benefits" as you put it, more than a girlfriend. We had been friends for about 6 months before we started getting intimate and it just so happened that, in the end, things started getting too weird. Mostly becuase, although I was quite attracted to her, I had no sentimental, emotional feelings toward her. Today, we still speak, but things are always awkward. That's why I don't plan on having another friend like that.

Why did things get weird? Are you unable to have intimacy free sex? Was she unable?

I know you don't want a FWB relationship, even if it worked out for you, but I'm just curious.

 

[culloden]

Tough situation. Been there. My best friend and the girl I loved became a couple, then moved to the other side of the country. The first six months was about the most miserable time of my life. But I realized that I couldn't put my life on hold, so I dated other girls, and even got engaged once. But I stayed in touch with her. She and my friend broke up, then she dated other guys, on the other side of the country. My friend and I drifted apart, but she and I stayed in touch, and became closer with time. And this was well before the internet. We talked on the phone, and visited every year or two. That situation lasted for years, but it got better. We've been married more than 20 years now. Could have been longer if we hadn't become such good friends we were each afraid to make a move on the other for fear of ruining a good friendship.

Here's the point. Stay in touch, be open to change, but allow for the possibility that someone else might be the one you eventually get together with.

Anyway, good luck. I hope you get your girl. Mine was worth the wait.

 

[Mac98]

Why did things get weird? Are you unable to have intimacy free sex? Was she unable?

I know you don't want a FWB relationship, even if it worked out for you, but I'm just curious.

I don't know. It's weird, I guess. It doesn't help that I wasn't entirely in love with her... or that I most probably wasn't at all. I called her my girlfriend and me her boyfriend (and vice-versa) but our "relationship" resembled more like a FWB, like you say. Mind you, while being in this "relationship", I was still very much in love with my friend's girlfriend (they were not dating at this time). I think both of us were unable to maintain an intimate-free relationship... more so that I didn't even WANT intimacy with her apart from the sex... ditto for her... it was perhaps the weirdest time of my life... she was very pretty though.

Tough situation. Been there. My best friend and the girl I loved became a couple, then moved to the other side of the country. The first six months was about the most miserable time of my life. But I realized that I couldn't put my life on hold, so I dated other girls, and even got engaged once. But I stayed in touch with her. She and my friend broke up, then she dated other guys, on the other side of the country. My friend and I drifted apart, but she and I stayed in touch, and became closer with time. And this was well before the internet. We talked on the phone, and visited every year or two. That situation lasted for years, but it got better. We've been married more than 20 years now. Could have been longer if we hadn't become such good friends we were each afraid to make a move on the other for fear of ruining a good friendship.

Here's the point. Stay in touch, be open to change, but allow for the possibility that someone else might be the one you eventually get together with.

Anyway, good luck. I hope you get your girl. Mine was worth the wait.

The thing is, there's no way I could ever maintain a friendship with her without him. I've tried so hard to forget about her that I haven't paid very close attention to her (in the last few months, I mean). Example, I would never invite her, say, to see a movie, even if it's with other friends, unless my friend was there too... perhaps 2 or 3 years ago I would, but not today. If anything, we've drifted apart (which I'm fully responsible for). I would definately wait the wait if I knew I could be with her 5, even 10 years down the road... but I don't know, and I even highly doubt it. I'm not even asking to end up with her... all I ask is to forget her and how much longer am I going to have to wait before i do, finally.

6 years have gone since I met her (and fell in love pretty much instantly) and I've gone almost a year without as much as chatting with her on the internet and it still stings to this day.

I'm seriously going nuts. I've been told repeatedly that telling her how I feel is a terrible idea, and even worse telling him... so that's a no-no, I know.

 

[TheRealFATANG]

You never really get over the could've been girls. You never really get over the good ones you've dated.

That's life.

Suck it up. Be a man.

 

[culloden]

I don't know. It's weird, I guess. It doesn't help that I wasn't entirely in love with her... or that I most probably wasn't at all. I called her my girlfriend and me her boyfriend (and vice-versa) but our "relationship" resembled more like a FWB, like you say. Mind you, while being in this "relationship", I was still very much in love with my friend's girlfriend (they were not dating at this time). I think both of us were unable to maintain an intimate-free relationship... more so that I didn't even WANT intimacy with her apart from the sex... ditto for her... it was perhaps the weirdest time of my life... she was very pretty though.





The thing is, there's no way I could ever maintain a friendship with her without him. I've tried so hard to forget about her that I haven't paid very close attention to her (in the last few months, I mean). Example, I would never invite her, say, to see a movie, even if it's with other friends, unless my friend was there too... perhaps 2 or 3 years ago I would, but not today. If anything, we've drifted apart (which I'm fully responsible for). I would definately wait the wait if I knew I could be with her 5, even 10 years down the road... but I don't know, and I even highly doubt it. I'm not even asking to end up with her... all I ask is to forget her and how much longer am I going to have to wait before i do, finally.

6 years have gone since I met her (and fell in love pretty much instantly) and I've gone almost a year without as much as chatting with her on the internet and it still stings to this day.

I'm seriously going nuts. I've been told repeatedly that telling her how I feel is a terrible idea, and even worse telling him... so that's a no-no, I know.

Well, what worked for me might not work for you. Here's another way to think about it. You haven't been maintaining a friendship with either one of them for months, right? But she's still on your mind? What do you have to lose by being blunt? Call her up. Tell her why you haven't been staying in touch. That'll take courage, for sure. She might shoot you down, which will hurt. Your male friend might want to beat the shit out of you. So what? You risk only losing friendships you've been avoiding anyway, and you might get what you want. What you're doing now isn't working, and life is short. Could be the two of them aren't going to stay together anyway. If she knows how you really feel, then she may come looking for you when the time is right for her.

At least you'll know you took your shot. And that alone might help to free you of how you're feeling.

 

[littlebabyclit]

Well, what worked for me might not work for you. Here's another way to think about it. You haven't been maintaining a friendship with either one of them for months, right? But she's still on your mind? What do you have to lose by being blunt? Call her up. Tell her why you haven't been staying in touch. That'll take courage, for sure. She might shoot you down, which will hurt. Your male friend might want to beat the shit out of you. So what? You risk only losing friendships you've been avoiding anyway, and you might get what you want. What you're doing now isn't working, and life is short. Could be the two of them aren't going to stay together anyway. If she knows how you really feel, then she may come looking for you when the time is right for her.

At least you'll know you took your shot. And that alone might help to free you of how you're feeling.

I was just about to say something similar....I agree completely with this advice. Do it, Mac.

 

[Mac98]

Well, what worked for me might not work for you. Here's another way to think about it. You haven't been maintaining a friendship with either one of them for months, right? But she's still on your mind? What do you have to lose by being blunt? Call her up. Tell her why you haven't been staying in touch. That'll take courage, for sure. She might shoot you down, which will hurt. Your male friend might want to beat the shit out of you. So what? You risk only losing friendships you've been avoiding anyway, and you might get what you want. What you're doing now isn't working, and life is short. Could be the two of them aren't going to stay together anyway. If she knows how you really feel, then she may come looking for you when the time is right for her.

At least you'll know you took your shot. And that alone might help to free you of how you're feeling.

The problem is, this isn't the first thread I've started about this... the last thread I did was asking people exactly that: Should I tell her? Should I tell him? Or should I keep my mouth shut? and I'd say 80% of people told me to absolutely keep my mouth shut!

The friend I'm talking about has been my best friend for the past 6 years. I know for a fact he wouldn't be mad at me. He fell in love with her just like I did and waited a year before actually dating her (because she was already involved with someone else... it's a long story). Today, he doesn't love her nearly as much as he once did, so I know telling him about it would have absolutely zero impact on his relationship. I know him inside out and know for a fact that he wouldn't be mad... at all. Surpised? Absolutely, I've managed to keep this a secret from everyone (except everyone on Lit).

What I'm saying is, if I WERE to tell someone, it would sound more logical to me to tell him instead of her, given the circumstances. I'm fairly certain he would end up telling her anyways.

I also happen to be 99% sure she doesn't have any feelings for me and probably never has... (and probably never will). I've actually made my peace with that and look for nothing more than to forget. But I'll definately think about telling her... but I can't say I have the faintest idea as to how she'd react... and even my friend.. would he resent me for never having told him (if I tell her first)?

It's a whole big complicated mess... I've been roling this steaming shitball down the hill for too long and it's gotten to the point where things are so strange and unclear...

As for sucking it up.... lol that's giving up. I'm sure as fuck not going to live the rest of my life wondering what could've been! I've already wasted the last 4.

 

[culloden]

My friend, it might be time to stop listening to other people's advice. Your life is not a democracy. I don't know about you, but I ignore the voice in the back of my head at my peril. Sometimes the things it tells me to do are difficult, but nonetheless right. Any chance you know what you should do, but find it uncomfortable?

 

[Mac98]

My friend, it might be time to stop listening to other people's advice. Your life is not a democracy. I don't know about you, but I ignore the voice in the back of my head at my peril. Sometimes the things it tells me to do are difficult, but nonetheless right. Any chance you know what you should do, but find it uncomfortable?

You know what, that's perhaps the best advice yet. I'm just so confused right now that words can't even begin to describe how lost I am in all this. I've always felt I should keep my mouth shut for the sake of their relationship. I helped my friend win her heart because I knew I never could and would rather see him happy with her rather than no one at all. The consequences to that, however, weren't the happiest, easiest experiences. Sometimes I felt he was a little ungrateful, but how could he be when he has no idea of the sacrifices I've made.

Today, my heart says I should tell him and have even once called him up to talk to him about it (not by phone, in person) but I always chicken out. I doubt my friendship with her is strong enough for me to admit something like that to her, but I know that my friend would be a little more understanding, to say the least. And who knows, maybe after telling him, I'd find the courage to tell her too. I guess it's time to stop running from it and just face it head on. Kinda' sad that it's taken me 4 years to understand this... never again will I keep this type of thing a secret from everyone.

Thanks, I guess that's all I needed.

 

[culloden]

Good luck!

 

[Mac98]

Good luck!

Karma owes me big time! I'm sure I'll be fine .

Thanks a million, it's truely appreciated.

 

[littlebabyclit]

WTF with telling your friend and not the girl? That's still an indirect way of handling the situation and a bit of a chicken shit cop out, in my opinion. Sorry to be so blunt, this is just my immediate reaction.

If she's so great that everyone falls in love with her, jeezus man, go after her ferchrissakes. Stop with the lack of self-esteem and self-bashing, i.e. that you think she couldn't possibly have any feelings for you. You have NOOOOoooooo concrete idea what's in anyone else's head, and you gain NOTHING by not at least giving things a go. Sometimes, all it takes is planting a seed of thought for things to grow and blossom later....

You may THINK your friend is not that in love with her as much as he used to be, but, it might be MUCH different than you really know, and I wouldn't bet my sanity or happiness or recovery on someone else spreading the info where you need it to go (to HER.) He may tell her nothing at all. You indeed risk losing them both as friends, and gaining nothing, not even the recovery from heartache that you seek.

Big gains take big risks, man. Best of luck !!!!

 

[Mac98]

WTF with telling your friend and not the girl? That's still an indirect way of handling the situation and a bit of a chicken shit cop out, in my opinion. Sorry to be so blunt, this is just my immediate reaction.

If she's so great that everyone falls in love with her, jeezus man, go after her ferchrissakes. Stop with the lack of self-esteem and self-bashing, i.e. that you think she couldn't possibly have any feelings for you. You have NOOOOoooooo concrete idea what's in anyone else's head, and you gain NOTHING by not at least giving things a go. Sometimes, all it takes is planting a seed of thought for things to grow and blossom later....

You may THINK your friend is not that in love with her as much as he used to be, but, it might be MUCH different than you really know, and I wouldn't bet my sanity or happiness or recovery on someone else spreading the info where you need it to go (to HER.) He may tell her nothing at all. You indeed risk losing them both as friends, and gaining nothing, not even the recovery from heartache that you seek.

Big gains take big risks, man. Best of luck !!!!

I like the cut of your jib! My rebuttle is, however, that although it may be a "chickenshit cop out" and perhaps I DON'T have any concrete idea of what's in anyone else's head, I do know that if I went directly to her and told her, I'm sure he'd be mad. If I told HIM first, I'm fairly certain it wouldn't be as bad (and this I'm 99.99% sure). And listen, I've seen love grow between both of them (there I go, being all poetic and shit...). I've seen the way her eyes light up when she looks at him or the way she acts. I'm smart enough to see these things and never has she reacted that way around me (appologies if I sound like a whiny, victimized cry-baby, it isn't my intention at the moment). If she does/did/could have feelings for me, then they're burried very down deep where no one can see the faintest sign of them.

My friend's told me very plainly that he doesn't have to same feelings towards that he used to have. He's broken up with her 3 times since he's been dating her (going on a year and a half, now). I do know, though, that she's madly in love with him. I'm sure she'd take a bullet for him (though I am speculating).

I've told you all before, I'm so confused as to what I'm supposed to do, I'm almost ready to sacrifice my friendship with them (or him, since I more or less have a friendship with her anymore). It sounds terrible, I know, but I'm at my wits end with this corny scenario. I'd stick my head in the sand, but I've learned the hard way that even that won't work.

You know what, maybe you're right. Maybe telling her is the right thing to do. If I sit down and really take the time to think this through, it doesn't make any sense, though I've always said that the best advice comes from someone outside looking in.

But I feel like I definately need to tell someone because I'm about to fucken crack! This is insane, unhealthy and completley ridiculous but I can't help it.


Sorry for the yakitty yak-yak... I'm just utterly desperate for a clue as to what exactly it is I'm supposed to do...

 

[littlebabyclit]

what is your gut instinct?

...though I've always said that the best advice comes from someone outside looking in.

Well, it's all just advice and it's easy to give out advice (don't I know it, ha ha.) Get lots of it, it will help shape your course of action, something you alone figure out. Seeking advice gives you possible options and alternatives. But while strangers offer you insights, nobody has ALL the facts but you and nobody else is walking in your shoes. In the end, you have to listen to your gut. Not your head necessarily, but your gut instincts. Neglecting them is the worst thing you can do. Sometimes the head simply has too much information swirling around in it to process any of it. You're mixed up in your head, and in your heart, but what is your absolutely bottom line gut instinct of what to do ? Do whatever that is. That's the worst thing of all you could ignore doing.

 

[Mac98]

I know, but is it ever hard to acknowledge, let alone listen to that gut instinct. So many people have told me it's a TERRIBLE idea to do this, or to do that. I was certain telling him (at least BEFORE telling her) was the smartest choice, but you've definately put a seed of doubt in me...

I think what I'll end up doing is approaching the subject with my friend very slowly, casually and subtlely... and gauge his reaction that way. I know for a fact he wouldn't ever dare feel like bashing my face in. I've supported him in his toughest days and I know him enough to say it would definately surprise the living bejesus out of me...

Like I said though, I'm not asking her to leave my friend for me... heck, I'm not even expecting her to MAYBE one day have feelings for me like I do for her... all I ask is something that'll let me get over her...

I'm sure talking about it with someone helps, talking about it with her I don't know, but from what I here it should be a great remedy...

I'll see... I'll follow my gut instinct like both you and culloden suggested. Thanks.

 

[littlebabyclit]

I hope to God if she and your friend ever break up, that you seize the day and go after her, though. I mean, you can't get her out of your system for 6 years? And you certain act mostly selflessly towards what you assume are her best interests. I think you really love her.
And you're only going to go around once on this planet.

 

[Mac98]

I've learned a lot out of this whole mess... maybe it's because I fear the possible rejection too much, but I guess it can't hurt to just let someone know how you feel about them. If and when they break up, I'll definately let her know... though I might feel a bit like a douche... what with looking like I'm trying to profit off their terminated relationship...

Thanks a million for all the advice.