cheatin' subbie

[sandyb]

ok. This is a subject I've wanted to put out there for some time but have been reluctant to do so because I expect a fair amount of beat down but here goes....

I have been in an intense D/s relationship for about a year a half. It involves my submission to hard paddling and caning, restraints (cuffs) and engaging in wahtever type of sex he desires - vaginal, anal, oral on demand and he has me service his friends, sometimes in groups - up to five guys and exhibit my submission by (in additon to fucking and sucking them) letting them watch him spank or cane me...as well as other things..,collars, leashes, etc. I live with this guy and my submission is required on a 24/7 basis. I love all of it and freely participate....but, these things do a number on my psyche and self-esteem. I have found that a wonderful release from the intensity of his domination, and a way to restore a bit of my psychic health is to cheat on him. That is, I have engaged in a number of affairs with other men - sometimes just one time bjs and sometimes more. This seems to help me retain the illusion of having some control. Am I a fraud? Does anyone else cope with the mind bending intensity of domination/submission in this way? I know I'm a slut but I need to know if this is a way others deal with it or am I just especially perverted.

 

[h_i_s]

ok. This is a subject I've wanted to put out there for some time but have been reluctant to do so because I expect a fair amount of beat down but here goes....

I have been in an intense D/s relationship for about a year a half. It involves my submission to hard paddling and caning, restraints (cuffs) and engaging in wahtever type of sex he desires - vaginal, anal, oral on demand and he has me service his friends, sometimes in groups - up to five guys and exhibit my submission by (in additon to fucking and sucking them) letting them watch him spank or cane me...as well as other things..,collars, leashes, etc. I live with this guy and my submission is required on a 24/7 basis. I love all of it and freely participate....but, these things do a number on my psyche and self-esteem. I have found that a wonderful release from the intensity of his domination, and a way to restore a bit of my psychic health is to cheat on him. That is, I have engaged in a number of affairs with other men - sometimes just one time bjs and sometimes more. This seems to help me retain the illusion of having some control. Am I a fraud? Does anyone else cope with the mind bending intensity of domination/submission in this way? I know I'm a slut but I need to know if this is a way others deal with it or am I just especially perverted.

Can't speak for everyone, and wouldn't want to try ... but ..... for myself, and speaking for the relationship shared between myself and my Master:


Seeing as i am His property, i am not mine to offer for anyone else's use unless it is His wish that i do so. The biggest act of disrespect that i could direct toward Him & our relationship would have to be cheating. That type of disrespect would render all that makes our relationship what it is, a lie ... a farce.

my self esteem would suffer more if i felt i had to find some type of escape through cheating, or believe that cheating may solve whatever problems may exist in the relationship. i also know it would raise a few huge red flags as i would have to question whether or not my submission to Him could be concidered as genuine within our D/s relationship. And, i'm certain it would leave Him questioning a whole lot of things about me, including but not limited to issues involving trust, respect, loyalty, dedication etc ect.

Rather than cheat, i'd discuss my feelings of lowered self esteem just as i would discuss anything else that may effect the elements of trust, honor and respect which form the basic foundations of our relationship.

Normally i would stand by that old familiar saying of, "never say never", but in this case, that rule is rendered null .. aka 'void' ... nonapplicable. i myself have never cheated on anyone (even though i had been with at least a couple who gave me plenty of motivation and reason to want to cheat) .... having a man as wonderful as He, cheating would do more damage to us than any other issue that could develope between us. It is my opinion that cheating doesn't solve a damn thing. It can only add more problems to those that may already exist in the relationship.

But, do i judge you? Nope. It's not i who has to walk in your shoes. It's not i who will have to live with the results of your choices. Regardless, i wish you & your guy well, and hope you both find yourselves happy in the long run with whatever the results of your choices may turn out to be.

 

[catalina_francisco]

My answer is much the same as sinnOcent in regards to being property and not having any desire to cheat. He has added extra incentives for me not to consider cheating though (amongst other things), despite them not being needed, and believe me, even if I was tempted the knowledge of what would happen to me later is enough to make sure the thought would not even cross my mind, in fact the slightest thought of his subsequent actions make me start to shake and have panic attacks.

The activities you are involved in are a big turn on for both of us from a degradation/humiliation angle, as well as service plain and simple. In that sense it does not negatively effect my self esteem as I know how much pleasure he gets from it, and I know who I am in my soul. I am not a slut because he happened to come along and make me act like one.....I have always enjoyed sex to the max and explored and ventured and experimented with others far beyond what most were willing to do. Some people in my vanilla days tried to make me feel bad, and I did often try to disguise it from most as a result, but now I have someone who enjoys the fact I am highly sexual and intends to use it to his advantage, I find it is more esteem raising then lowering as far as within our relationship and personal feelings go.

I can still get off on the fact that others may not think it is wonderful, thus the humiliation/degradation factor can be played beautifully, and I actually prefer if he chooses people who will use me but look down on me for it than those who are happy to be part of a good time where all are equal and good. Bah, I don't want their respect or consideration, just to be used and given extreme pain.

I would think your cheating would further damage your self esteem, but perhaps that is just me. If the play is causing you such problems you feel you have to take action to counteract the negativity, you need to talk to him about it and be open about what is happening for you and perhaps find a solution which works for both. Good luck.

Catalina

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

Can't speak for everyone, and wouldn't want to try ... but ..... for myself, and speaking for the relationship shared between myself and my Master:


Seeing as i am His property, i am not mine to offer for anyone else's use unless it is His wish that i do so. The biggest act of disrespect that i could direct toward Him & our relationship would have to be cheating. That type of disrespect would render all that makes our relationship what it is, a lie ... a farce.

my self esteem would suffer more if i felt i had to find some type of escape through cheating, or believe that cheating may solve whatever problems may exist in the relationship. i also know it would raise a few huge red flags as i would have to question whether or not my submission to Him could be concidered as genuine within our D/s relationship. And, i'm certain it would leave Him questioning a whole lot of things about me, including but not limited to issues involving trust, respect, loyalty, dedication etc ect.

Rather than cheat, i'd discuss my feelings of lowered self esteem just as i would discuss anything else that may effect the elements of trust, honor and respect which form the basic foundations of our relationship.

Normally i would stand by that old familiar saying of, "never say never", but in this case, that rule is rendered null .. aka 'void' ... nonapplicable. i myself have never cheated on anyone (even though i had been with at least a couple who gave me plenty of motivation and reason to want to cheat) .... having a man as wonderful as He, cheating would do more damage to us than any other issue that could develope between us. It is my opinion that cheating doesn't solve a damn thing. It can only add more problems to those that may already exist in the relationship.

But, do i judge you? Nope. It's not i who has to walk in your shoes. It's not i who will have to live with the results of your choices. Regardless, i wish you & your guy well, and hope you both find yourselves happy in the long run with whatever the results of your choices may turn out to be.

I must say that after reading this, it gave me another reason to be proud of my little girl, and who she is. Cheating has not ever been really discussed, but she knows that the basis of our dynamic is trust, and it would not be tolerated. It would effectively end our relationship.

I was going to say who she became, that would have been wrong, she is a slave, and most likely was always a slave, but with no outlet for her feelings.

She does not have it easy, not as much in a BDSM way, rather in day to day dealings. I have health issues, and she has to see to them almost as much as I do. This is done willingly, and with great pride in what she does.

I understand your PYL's desire to share you, and do not seek to judge either of you, but if you seek release from his domination, perhaps you need to step back and understand your feelings, and then communicate them to your PYL.

This really about communication, and if you don't have regular, and easy communication between each of you, it could lead to feelings such as you express.

He can only read your mind as well as you can read his. (Although, my little girl would challenge that, we have a strong connection, and at times I can see what she is thinking)

 

[cock whore]

cheating...

doesn't fill the void - it only rubs salt in the wounds...

 

[Quint]

Sometimes in stressful relationship days, I'd get myself off despite the specific command otherwise. It was kind of rebellious, kind of a plea for attention. Whatever else it was, it was passive aggressive and it was extremely unproductive. It's so much easier to just talk it out. Then you feel better in a completely non-conflicted way. If there are rules of conduct laid out, breaking them is not a healthy option for a healthy relationship. All the more so when it's something that is a deal-breaker for most couples.

 

[rosco rathbone]

ok. This is a subject I've wanted to put out there for some time but have been reluctant to do so because I expect a fair amount of beat down but here goes....

I have been in an intense D/s relationship for about a year a half. It involves my submission to hard paddling and caning, restraints (cuffs) and engaging in wahtever type of sex he desires - vaginal, anal, oral on demand and he has me service his friends, sometimes in groups - up to five guys and exhibit my submission by (in additon to fucking and sucking them) letting them watch him spank or cane me...as well as other things..,collars, leashes, etc. I live with this guy and my submission is required on a 24/7 basis. I love all of it and freely participate....but, these things do a number on my psyche and self-esteem. I have found that a wonderful release from the intensity of his domination, and a way to restore a bit of my psychic health is to cheat on him. That is, I have engaged in a number of affairs with other men - sometimes just one time bjs and sometimes more. This seems to help me retain the illusion of having some control. Am I a fraud? Does anyone else cope with the mind bending intensity of domination/submission in this way? I know I'm a slut but I need to know if this is a way others deal with it or am I just especially perverted.

"a way to restore a bit of my psychic health"?

That sounds like a danger sign.

Ineresting thread.

 

[NemoAlia]

This seems to help me retain the illusion of having some control. Am I a fraud? Does anyone else cope with the mind bending intensity of domination/submission in this way?

Not cheating (in one way or another) is my biggest relationship challenge, the common thread that runs through my romantic past. But for me, it's not the "illusion of control" that I'm after -- it's the need to blow someone's socks off. And when you live with someone, the socks become pretty firmly attached to the feet, y'know? He knows you, he loves you, but you're not going to surprise him with your fabulosity like you will that other guy who's never met a girl like you before. And watching a new guy's face when you first surprise him with the fulfillment of his every fantasy is a difficult habit to break.

Yeah, I'm not sure I have any advice for you. Right now I'm living a no-commitment life, so at least I don't have to struggle with the guilt that always accompanies the desire (even if it's unrealized) to cheat. But some day I know I'll be in a committed relationship again, and the struggle not to cheat will come back full force.

I hear that pursuing hobbies, exercising a lot, turning to religion, calling your mother, and doing volunteer theater all help!

Good luck.

 

[O'Mac]

I'm going to take the pragmatic approach with this thread.

First off, being shared by your Master can be a very fulfilling and rewarding activity for both of you. That said, I really hope all this sexual contact is being done in a safe manner and that you all understand a bit of each person's sexual history. Remember AIDS, Hepatitus, Chlamydia, and Herpes? Well those diseases are still around and their easiest method of transmission is through intercourse. You really need to ensure that your Master's friends are healthy in that respect, but even more pressing, you need to practice safe sex with the guy's you're seeing without your Master's knowledge.

I'm going to agree with Roscoe's comment as well. There are more than a few danger signs I see in your post, and you're really going to have to address these issues. Any Dom that doesn't have your physical health or mental well-being in mind is no real Dom at all. I hope you understand that before it's too late for you.

 

[SubNebGuy]

this is why my wife and I aren't full time 'players'. plus I'm usually the more dominant person, so we just 'switch' one day a week and i'm her play toy.

full time committment to the lifestyle definitely isn't for everyone. from my understanding, cheating is cheating, and for a sub to cheat on her master...well Its almost doubly bad because you're betraying his hold over you.

i can't blame you for trying to do something to help you stay mentally stable...but if you feel the need to do that, then maybe the level of submissiveness you play is beyond what you're ready/suited for.

assuming you're not looking for justification to cheat and really do feel this way, then I'm more concerned about your state of mind than your actual 'cheating'.

 

[Recidiva]

It actually makes sense to me.

Kinda like working at a job where you don't want to quit, but you don't think you get paid enough, so you "liberate" a little cash.

Not really awful, not really good.

Just go with what you feel is the best direction for yourself. I'm not sure how seriously this effects your emotional health, if at all, or if it's mostly for a different physical sensation.

 

[stirbird]

ok. This is a subject I've wanted to put out there for some time but have been reluctant to do so because I expect a fair amount of beat down but here goes....

I have been in an intense D/s relationship for about a year a half. It involves my submission to hard paddling and caning, restraints (cuffs) and engaging in wahtever type of sex he desires - vaginal, anal, oral on demand and he has me service his friends, sometimes in groups - up to five guys and exhibit my submission by (in additon to fucking and sucking them) letting them watch him spank or cane me...as well as other things..,collars, leashes, etc. I live with this guy and my submission is required on a 24/7 basis. I love all of it and freely participate....but, these things do a number on my psyche and self-esteem. I have found that a wonderful release from the intensity of his domination, and a way to restore a bit of my psychic health is to cheat on him. That is, I have engaged in a number of affairs with other men - sometimes just one time bjs and sometimes more. This seems to help me retain the illusion of having some control. Am I a fraud? Does anyone else cope with the mind bending intensity of domination/submission in this way? I know I'm a slut but I need to know if this is a way others deal with it or am I just especially perverted.

Clearly others are saying they don't do it that way, but I doubt that these others are taking huge blows to their self-esteem nor do they have a master who is not dealing with that issue (the harm to your self-esteem). To me that is the crux of the matter: if he's going to have you do all that shit, he needs to help you deal with it, process it, in a way that makes you happier not more miserable. I see things similarly to Redciva: you clearly need an outlet, a way to let off steam, perhaps even to keep yourself sane and avoid even worse rebellion, but it's a warning sign to me that the person in charge isn't doing his job, not that you are a particularly bad submissive. It's up to the dominant to maintain discipline and one of the core secrets to doing so sucessfully is to not force a slave to do things that are so difficult or unbearable to her that they break her (or cause her, as with you, to go behind your back in order to make sure she doesn't get broken).

You say you love all this stuff that hurts your self-esteem. Are you sure? I love humiliation of the type you've described but I wouldn't love that stuff if these were things that genuinely hurt my core self-esteem. Another question: what do you expect would happen if you told your dominant what you'd been up to? How would he deal with it?

 

[*curious*]

This would be an instance in which I see an incompatability between partners.

Just because the porn sites show dedicated submissives being used by a Dominant's buddies, or just because some people in the community are able to participate in such arrangements while maintaining a healthy primary relationship and self-esteem, does not mean all persons engaged in a BDSM relationship are able to participate in such activities [in a healthy manner].

I know submitting to multiple persons would be emotionally damaging to me; thus, I would not enter a relationship in which it was expected of me. If I did not know myself well enough to realize such acitivites were personally damaging, acting out [cheating] would be a really really big clue.

If one does wish to participate in a relationship where the submissive serves multiple partners- great. However, (IMO) the submissive is responsible for honestly communicating how such activities affect her; the Dominant must be very aware of the submissive's emotional/mental/physical state- before, during and after the "scene"; *both* are responsible for communicating bluntly, honestly and openly about how the activities are impacting them individually, and as a couple.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

ok. This is a subject I've wanted to put out there for some time but have been reluctant to do so because I expect a fair amount of beat down but here goes....

I have been in an intense D/s relationship for about a year a half. It involves my submission to hard paddling and caning, restraints (cuffs) and engaging in wahtever type of sex he desires - vaginal, anal, oral on demand and he has me service his friends, sometimes in groups - up to five guys and exhibit my submission by (in additon to fucking and sucking them) letting them watch him spank or cane me...as well as other things..,collars, leashes, etc. I live with this guy and my submission is required on a 24/7 basis. I love all of it and freely participate....but, these things do a number on my psyche and self-esteem. I have found that a wonderful release from the intensity of his domination, and a way to restore a bit of my psychic health is to cheat on him. That is, I have engaged in a number of affairs with other men - sometimes just one time bjs and sometimes more. This seems to help me retain the illusion of having some control. Am I a fraud? Does anyone else cope with the mind bending intensity of domination/submission in this way? I know I'm a slut but I need to know if this is a way others deal with it or am I just especially perverted.

Are you sure you don't want a beat down? Are you acting out because you want him to rein you in...to catch you...to see you as you say as.."a slut". Yeah..cheating is bad...no matter how...for a relationship. You mention retaining some control...do you need that because you don't trust him....are you trying to hurt him..what? You don't need us to figure that out...you know what you are trying to get from him.....so either ask for it....or stop hurting both of you let him go and go out and find it with someone else. Isn't part of his relationship with you as the man you look to...to take care of your other needs..not just sexual....but your emotional..etc. To make sure with your help..and honesty...that those are being cared for....for both of you?

Be careful....

 

[Mangala]

ok. This is a subject I've wanted to put out there for some time but have been reluctant to do so because I expect a fair amount of beat down but here goes....

I have been in an intense D/s relationship for about a year a half. It involves my submission to hard paddling and caning, restraints (cuffs) and engaging in wahtever type of sex he desires - vaginal, anal, oral on demand and he has me service his friends, sometimes in groups - up to five guys and exhibit my submission by (in additon to fucking and sucking them) letting them watch him spank or cane me...as well as other things..,collars, leashes, etc. I live with this guy and my submission is required on a 24/7 basis. I love all of it and freely participate....but, these things do a number on my psyche and self-esteem. I have found that a wonderful release from the intensity of his domination, and a way to restore a bit of my psychic health is to cheat on him. That is, I have engaged in a number of affairs with other men - sometimes just one time bjs and sometimes more. This seems to help me retain the illusion of having some control. Am I a fraud? Does anyone else cope with the mind bending intensity of domination/submission in this way? I know I'm a slut but I need to know if this is a way others deal with it or am I just especially perverted.

I have understood also that I am a submissive slut, because of what has been happening to me with my husband his boss. I am 24 and grew up in the south of India and was brought up in wealth, but moved to New York and now Paris,

Everything changed on my wedding day that I met my husband his boss I had asked my husband not to invite him, but he did. His Boss changed my life forever. He looked in a way that appalled me and exited me at the same time and two weeks later he came for dinner and it really scared me but my husband insisted. Three hours before he arrived my husband told me he had borrowed for our wedding and need his promotions and I should not be such a arrogant bitch or go back to my parents in India. That was the last thing in the world I wanted to see my parents again. So I had no alternative then to do as I was told, dress pretty and be nice.

Later that night I let them do what he wanted. First I protested, begged and pleaded but i could not do anything, then i accepted what they did to safe my husband his job. To be honest it turned me on and things have progressed also in public....For a while I became his boss his personal assistant, his slut.

Since, my loser husband pushed me into sleeping with his Boss and his friends, I also started cheating on him with other and common men. Now I often find my release into being punished and humiliated and made to do those things, but not to very rich men but to very common depraved men who use me and take me to cheap hotel rooms.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Too bad this thread is so old. i totally get cheating as a way to reclaim personal sovereignty because i do it. Perhaps it isn't quite the same because i basically announced to my husband that i was going to reserve the right to do it but other than that i give zero information. Some things are just for me. i'm still submissive to my husband in our marriage which i guess seems very contradictory but somehow it works.

 

[Primalex]

Too bad this thread is so old. i totally get cheating as a way to reclaim personal sovereignty because i do it. Perhaps it isn't quite the same because i basically announced to my husband that i was going to reserve the right to do it but other than that i give zero information. Some things are just for me. i'm still submissive to my husband in our marriage which i guess seems very contradictory but somehow it works.

Of course I do understand the notion, but zero information? No way I would share my bed with a walking STD risk.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Of course I do understand the notion, but zero information? No way I would share my bed with a walking STD risk.

Its about trust. After 12 years and 4 children he knows i'm not an idiot. i'm mean some things are like ... Duh.

As far as information... what prevents me from lying to him were he to require information? Once again its about trust and part of trust is trusting your partner's judgment without having to know the details.

 

[Primalex]

Its about trust. After 12 years and 4 children he knows i'm not an idiot. i'm mean some things are like ... Duh.

You know what I find funny? Every single person is super-intelligent. You can ask anyone. They are all smart. And only idiots do stupid things after all.

Considering that the cases of chlamydia in the last ten years doubled, there must be a massive intelligence degeneration going on.

As far as information... what prevents me from lying to him were he to require information? Once again its about trust and part of trust is trusting your partner's judgment without having to know the details.

I don't think there is a being out there that combines humaneness and perfect judgement. Those are mutually exclusive attributes.


Edit:
And especially if the Dom is a DaddyDom, how does this match? Isn't supervision an integral part of this kind of relationship?

 

[rosco rathbone]

Sexual infidelity makes most guys go haywire. I'm interested to see the reaction of doms to this idea.

1. I would go pout and never talk to her again.
2. I would put the fear of god in her but then forgive her.
3. I would castigate myself for my lack of domination skills. After all, it must be my fault she cheated on me, right?

Am I leaving any out.

Oh yeah...
4."My sub would never do anything like that."

 

[MisterSir]

I'd be apocalyptically pissed. I detest infidelity for so many reasons - not least because it's an incredibly cowardly thing to do, going behind a person's back like that - and that's not something I keep a secret, so if my sub cheated on me she'd be doing it quite aware of how I'd react. Which is to say, what little of her possessions are neither burnt to ashes or filled with cat pee would be on the street.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I'd be apocalyptically pissed. I detest infidelity for so many reasons - not least because it's an incredibly cowardly thing to do, going behind a person's back like that - and that's not something I keep a secret, so if my sub cheated on me she'd be doing it quite aware of how I'd react. Which is to say, what little of her possessions are neither burnt to ashes or filled with cat pee would be on the street.

See, that seems to me like an over-reaction. I mean, isn't that giving the person a shitload of power, to let them drive you to that?

 

[Primalex]

Sexual infidelity makes most guys go haywire. I'm interested to see the reaction of doms to this idea.

1. I would go pout and never talk to her again.
2. I would put the fear of god in her but then forgive her.
3. I would castigate myself for my lack of domination skills. After all, it must be my fault she cheated on me, right?

Am I leaving any out.

Oh yeah...
4."My sub would never do anything like that."

5. I would force her to tell me with whom. Then I would beat this person up with an iron rod. Then I would drive back, sit in the living room and call the police that I might have killed someone and then let her watch how the police drags me away. And she would know that I didn't do this because I was angry and wanted to vent and that it wasn't her fault that I freaked out, but because I had told her before that she would ruin three lifes if she would ever cheat on me.

 

[ataxia.girl]

You know what I find funny? Every single person is super-intelligent. You can ask anyone. They are all smart. And only idiots do stupid things after all.

Considering that the cases of chlamydia in the last ten years doubled, there must be a massive intelligence degeneration going on.



I don't think there is a being out there that combines humaneness and perfect judgement. Those are mutually exclusive attributes.


Edit:
And especially if the Dom is a DaddyDom, how does this match? Isn't supervision an integral part of this kind of relationship?

Good thing i don't have a cervix then i guess.

My husband is not my Daddy or Dom i am simply submissive to him in our relationship.

Part of it is also about length of the relationship and circumstances. Those factors matter. Neither of us wants to be married to anyone else or raise our kids with anyone else but that doesn't mean we are necessarily okay with continuing on being exclusive. We were exclusive for a decade. Not many can claim that.

i intend to die having only been wed to, born children with, and shared finances with one person. That is enough commitment for me.

 

[MisterSir]

See, that seems to me like an over-reaction. I mean, isn't that giving the person a shitload of power, to let them drive you to that?

5. I would force her to tell me with whom. Then I would beat this person up with an iron rod. Then I would drive back, sit in the living room and call the police that I might have killed someone and then let her watch how the police drags me away. And she would know that I didn't do this because I was angry and wanted to vent and that it wasn't her fault that I freaked out, but because I had told her before that she would ruin three lifes if she would ever cheat on me.

Actually, that would be an overreaction.