Choosing the right Dom

[tonya777]

Hello all. I was hoping to start a discussion what other subs look for in a Dom. This has been an issue on my mind a lot lately. I have had two Doms and they were different in many ways, both good and bad.

My first Dom was new to BDSM like I was. He was always concerned about how much I was enjoying things. He did not push me two hard because he did not want me to go past my limits. While this made him sweet, it also left me unsatisfied at points. I felt comfortable with him, but I did not feel like he would ever bring out my deepest desires.

My second Dom was very controlling and everything he said or did was calculated to show his dominance. He really catered to my desire to feel owned and fulfilled my sexual fantasies. However, I found that it did not always translate well into regular interaction. Sometimes I wanted a friend and lover, not a boss.

I think in a way they illustrate two extremes: the soft, friendly Dom and the strong, authoritative Dom.

What I am wondering is if other subs have experienced this. What kind do you like and why? Is there a middle ground? What traits do you think make for the best Dom?

 

[Corylea]

I think in a way they illustrate two extremes: the soft, friendly Dom and the strong, authoritative Dom.

The history you describe is just one of the many reasons why I think that having one's D/S in episodes -- the length of a scene, a day, a weekend, or a visit -- works better for many people than having the power imbalance be permanent. Sure, some people need and/or want for it to be permanent -- fine with me; enjoy yourselves -- but I think that 24/7 D/S is often perceived as "better," truer," or more "real" than in-scene-only D/S, and this is a problem. As a result of this attitude, a lot of newcomers to BDSM assume that they "should" have 24/7 D/S or don't even realize that in-scene-only D/S exists.

I, of course, think that you "should" do what works best for you, and my observation is that time-limited D/S works better for a lot of people, yet they don't even consider it. There are LOTS of ways to be a BDSM practitioner, but "S/He took complete and total control of me for three hours, then we went out to dinner as equals" just isn't as dramatic, so it tends not to be mentioned as often.

 

[tonya777]

I think you do make an interesting point. In a way that describes the way I was with my first Dom. We would do the scene and then go to just being a regular couple. He was still my Dom in theory, but he would be much more laid back and treat me like an equal.

My other Dom expected me to follow all orders all the time. In the sexual realm this was generally fine. However, it does grade a bit on the nerves beyond that.

I felt dissatisfied with my first Dom because he did not use as much control as I would have liked. I started to resent my second Dom for using to much. I wonder sometimes if I am just not a good sub. I left my first Dom because I never really made it clear to him what it was that I wanted. I left my second Dom because he gave me to much of it. In a nut shell, I was to willful to follow either's orders.

 

[Corylea]

I left my first Dom because I never really made it clear to him what it was that I wanted. I left my second Dom because he gave me to much of it. In a nut shell, I was to willful to follow either's orders.

I'd say, rather, that you were too inexperienced to know what you wanted and/or too insecure about what you wanted to make that clear.

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to be an only-in-the-bedroom sub. Many doms don't want to be a full-time dom; they want a sub who will behave as an equal most of the time. I don't read the personals, so I don't know what's commonly advertised for there, but an acquaintance of mine is currently looking for a sub, and he's very clear about the fact that he wants a strong, independent, assertive woman who will submit to him when they play and at no other time. (I'm not trying to fix the two of you up; I'm using him as an example because he's the only dom whose sub-seeking I'm currently aware of.) I have more than a hundred people on the list of folks that I invite to play parties, and 99% of them are unequal in scene and equal out of it; this is actually a very, very common way to play.

There's no reason to break a zillion societal rules to be a BDSM practitioner, then allow somebody with a self-given label and an attitude keep you from going after what you want. If you want to be a full-time lover and part-time sub, then go for that -- why try to make yourself something you're not?

 

[CutieMouse]

Brilliant, twisted mind
Solid communication skills
Sarcastic bastard
Great sense of humor
... good taste in music isn't too bad, either.

I don't see the point in submitting to someone I can't be friends with/consider a "person of interest"; I don't see the point in considering someone to be a "person of interest" unless they have the above qualities... which are kinda sorta semi-mandatory if I'm going to like you enough to be friends in the first place. LOL

 

[RJMasters]

Brilliant, twisted mind
Solid communication skills
Sarcastic bastard
Great sense of humor
... good taste in music isn't too bad, either.

You rang?

 

[CutieMouse]

You rang?

...

 

[YourCaptor]

It's me, I'm the right one. Always.

 

[MisterSir]

I felt dissatisfied with my first Dom because he did not use as much control as I would have liked. I started to resent my second Dom for using to much. I wonder sometimes if I am just not a good sub. I left my first Dom because I never really made it clear to him what it was that I wanted. I left my second Dom because he gave me to much of it. In a nut shell, I was to willful to follow either's orders.

In other words, you don't want to be a 24/7 sub, but at the same time don't want it restricted simply to the bedroom. I feel like a broken record (although, saying that, who even remembers what a broken record sounds like any more), but you'd be well-served memorising that sentence and spouting it verbatim to anybody you consider for future Domhood. It should save you a world of trouble.

 

[Keroin]

Brilliant, twisted mind
Solid communication skills
Sarcastic bastard
Great sense of humor
Beak
... good taste in music isn't too bad, either.

Oh my Cod, you're seeing Chuck behind my back aren't you?? Hussy.

I feel like a broken record (although, saying that, who even remembers what a broken record sounds like any more)

*Raises hand*

I even remember what 8-Tracks sound like...

"Skyrockets in flight, after - CLUH-CLUNK - noon delight..."

 

[MisterSir]

*Raises hand*

I even remember what 8-Tracks sound like...

"Skyrockets in flight, after - CLUH-CLUNK - noon delight..."

OK, the older end of the spectrum still remembers but for the new generation, we need a new metaphor. Youtube won't work, CD players used to just skip so I'd be giving some kind of advice about submission not making a person a doormat and the post would jump ahead Arrow I think has beaten Green Lantern at least once in their history together, and I don't even know what a broken iPod sounds like. Sooner or later, the only people who remember records will be the few remaining Zeppelin fans who were sober during the sixties, and that will be a sad day for humanity.

 

[tonya777]

Corylea, I think you make a good point there. I was definitely to inexperienced with my first Dom. I think if I had been more clear with him, he would have been able to give me what I wanted better.

CutieMouse, I agree. If you cannot be friends with a Dom then there really is not going to be a long term relationship. That is not so much a problem if you just want kinky sex, but if you want to make it a real relationship then you need to be able to spend time together just as people.

MisterSir, what I am is confused. I've had to real D/s relationships and they both seem to be at extremes. I want to find out if there is a middle ground and what are the characteristics of it. Maybe there is not middle ground and I just need to decide on one or the other.

 

[myinnerslut]

OK, the older end of the spectrum still remembers but for the new generation, we need a new metaphor. Youtube won't work, CD players used to just skip so I'd be giving some kind of advice about submission not making a person a doormat and the post would jump ahead Arrow I think has beaten Green Lantern at least once in their history together, and I don't even know what a broken iPod sounds like. Sooner or later, the only people who remember records will be the few remaining Zeppelin fans who were sober during the sixties, and that will be a sad day for humanity.

a broken ipod sounds like nothing. generally when they brea they just dont play music anymore.

and as an aside, my parents have a collection of records (if you stacked them on top of each other, the stack would be taller then i am) that they still regularly listen to.

 

[HisSexyPet]

I don't think you need to choose one extreme or the other. There are as many degrees of dommness as there are Dom/mes. Everyone has their own way of doing things. Don't compromise what you need to fit that of someone else. Find the right fit for you for a lasting, long term relationship.
My Master is somwhere in between the two extremes...more towards the strict, but still with his romantic loving characteristics. He is perfect for me.
Keep looking, you will find yours.

 

[CuteBrat]

i agree with what people saying about D/s in discrete chunks. For me, before i was ready to be a slave, thats what i needed. i loved being TOTALLY objectified....my thoughts feelings whatever didnt matter....i was a piece of meat....but i always knew it would come to an end at a set time...and i would be me again. Eventually i stopped WANTING it to end...but that took a few years.

i always had another issue though, about selecting Doms. i sorta wanted not to have the choice... The thought that a Dom would pick me, use me...and i had nothing to say about it...always turned me on. Still does, i guess. i did try to make sure they weren't gonna leave me dismembered in a dumpster somewhere though...

 

[Primalex]

I've had to real D/s relationships and they both seem to be at extremes. I want to find out if there is a middle ground and what are the characteristics of it.

This was the middle ground. One guy who wanted a relationship with you with the worries to drive you away with extreme actions and one guy who wanted you merely as sex toy. I can't think of more "middle ground" guys.

 

[Netzach]

What traits do you think make for the best Dom?

Someone who is able to get the preferences of their submissive to align with theirs.

 

[MisterSir]

MisterSir, what I am is confused. I've had to real D/s relationships and they both seem to be at extremes. I want to find out if there is a middle ground and what are the characteristics of it. Maybe there is not middle ground and I just need to decide on one or the other.

Well...I'm telling you there's a middle ground, where you take elements of both extremes and combine them into something both you and your partner find acceptable. There's not really any room for argument.

 

[Adakgirl]

Not only is there a middle ground, but there are many shades and levels of Dominance and submission within that middle ground. You need to know what is important to you and have some kind of an idea of what you are seeking with this type of relationship.

A wise Dominant will be curious about you, your life and the inner workings of your mind. So he will ask you a lot of questions, and be open to answering any and all questions you may ask of him as well. Most of your interactions from the very beginning should involve getting to know each other, discovering things about each other.

As you explore each other, feel each other out, you need to be completely honest with a prospective Dominant and not just tell him what you think he wants to hear, not just tell him what you think a "good submissive" should tell him. Submitting to a Dominant who you know nothing about and knows nothing about you is akin to jumping out of a plane without parachute.

You have to be honest with yourself as well and not just go along with whatever he wants and agree with the way he see's things just because you want a relationship so bad.

In my opinion, which you should know is derived from on-line only experience, is that these failed relationships stem from your failure to communicate openly and honestly before and during and from your eagerness to have a relationship.

You said that in a nutshell you were too willful to follow either of their orders...if this is true then you were not really submitting to them at all and you do not have any understanding of what submission is all about. I suggest you do some study on this and explore before thinking about seeking another Dominant.

 

[Bi_sensual]

Brilliant, twisted mind
Solid communication skills
Sarcastic bastard
Great sense of humor
... good taste in music isn't too bad, either.

I don't see the point in submitting to someone I can't be friends with/consider a "person of interest"; I don't see the point in considering someone to be a "person of interest" unless they have the above qualities... which are kinda sorta semi-mandatory if I'm going to like you enough to be friends in the first place. LOL

what she said...
sois sage
x