Fear

[BiBunny]

This is possibly a bad title for this post, but bear with me.

I just wondered if anyone else is ever afraid of their desires. Well, maybe "afraid" is the wrong word. Do any of you ever shy away from your wants? Or is this some n00b thing that I never worked through five or six years ago when I got started?

Should I elaborate a bit? I always feel like I write too much in my initial posts and overwhelm everybody.

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm not quite sure what my life would look like if I pursued my desires openly and vigorously. I might find myself in a rubber room in no time or I might become another Neal Cassady.

 

[CurlyKat]

In a word, yes. I tend to be a more cautious person in general, so before experiencing anything I'm interested in I have some degree of fear about them. All of the what ifs and how will this work and what next questions sometimes keep me from, or deter me from experiencing what I really want.

Sometimes I just feel like either my want is stupid, can't be satisfied, or would just be better off for everyone to keep locked away. The fear of the consequences of letting those out is what keeps me from getting those wants.

 

[MisterSir]

No.

I'm afraid that's not really helpful, but I don't feel anything about my desires, good or bad. It's just something that's there, another item on the list of things that makes me a freak. Maybe it's different for tops than it is for bottoms, maybe I'll feel differently once I've actually have a chance to act on them, for now I'm taking it in stride.

Admittedly, I'm not particularly forthcoming about it because society isn't exactly...call it scene-friendly, but does that count as fear? I wouldn't think so. I'm not scared of it being known, it just seems prudent not to spread it around.

On reflection, I'm rather useless.

 

[subgirl2]

Yes, I feel fear a lot. It has to do with society's attitudes and your 'environment'. It is better to keep some things hidden but then how do you meet someone who is like-minded if you can't talk about it or share your desires with someone.

It is a lose-lose situation.

I suppose you just have to take a chance and hope that you are not dismissed as a perv and your life turned up-side-down.

SG2

 

[BiBunny]

Well, it's not really guilt or fear of being found out. Meh, maybe I should elaborate.

I am almost always in the throes of some really heavy masochistic fantasies. Not necessarily dangerous ones (sometimes, though), just very painful. But it kind of seems like when the moment of truth comes when I'm playing with someone else, I back down, chicken out, whatever you want to call it. Then, at the end of what turns into a moderately masochistic scene, my body feels ok, but I'm still left unsatisfied inside and needing something more.

Attempts at just pushing me through it and forcing me into hardcore play in spite of my trepidation have been iffy. Sometimes, I respond well, and sometimes, it's a hot mess. Even my old stand-bys, humiliation and emotional masochism, aren't a substitute for this physical pain I've been craving for months. It. Won't. Go. Away.

I dunno what my problem is. I mean, other than the obvious. Yeah, I crave it, but it still fucking hurts. I need to hit my Zen place and get through it, anyway, so I can find some damned relief.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Like SG2, I fear the social rejection of my peers, but I also used to fear that having these fantasties and wants made me a freak.

I feared that this sort of thing wasn't anywhere near normal and it took a big step for me to actually get involved in the lifestyle properly by getting over that fear.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I dunno what my problem is. I mean, other than the obvious. Yeah, I crave it, but it still fucking hurts. I need to hit my Zen place and get through it, anyway, so I can find some damned relief.

maybe that's it right there, why you crave it. because it really f*cking hurts. it's not a game. you just need someone who can be strong and unwaivering, and who can deal with the emotional fallout.

 

[BiBunny]

maybe that's it right there, why you crave it. because it really f*cking hurts. it's not a game. you just need someone who can be strong and unwaivering, and who can deal with the emotional fallout.

You're probably right. I hate to ask anyone to deal with the emotional fallout, though, because it's almost always a mess. But I guess I should tell the Owner people to just force me through it, since it's apparently what I really need.

It scares me, and that makes me unhappy.

 

[nh23]

We were having the opposite problem in the beginning. I'm a heavy masochist emotionally and physically. I know this won't mean much to the rest of you, but it'll mean something to Bunny. ( Remember D used to just beat the ever loving shit out of me?) I got used to that. I loved it. I love being scared, I love fearing what he's going to do to me. Makes me all kinds of hot.

When Master and I got together he had been in a few relationships with girls who ID'ed as masochists, but in reality were not. Or not heavy ones anyway. Like one of them wanted to try wax play and when he did it, she screamed and cried her eyes out. Not in a good way, it lead to ending the relationship.

He had a very hard time at first unleashing on me. Still does sometimes. I've had to constantly reassure him and show him, I can take and need what he gives.

In the last few months we've finally got back into cutting, needle play, and heavy caning. I'm so very happy about that.

 

[BiBunny]

We were having the opposite problem in the beginning. I'm a heavy masochist emotionally and physically. I know this won't mean much to the rest of you, but it'll mean something to Bunny. ( Remember D used to just beat the ever loving shit out of me?) I got used to that. I loved it. I love being scared, I love fearing what he's going to do to me. Makes me all kinds of hot.

When Master and I got together he had been in a few relationships with girls who ID'ed as masochists, but in reality were not. Or not heavy ones anyway. Like one of them wanted to try wax play and when he did it, she screamed and cried her eyes out. Not in a good way, it lead to ending the relationship.

He had a very hard time at first unleashing on me. Still does sometimes. I've had to constantly reassure him and show him, I can take and need what he gives.

In the last few months we've finally got back into cutting, needle play, and heavy caning. I'm so very happy about that.

Do you ever feel apprehensive before you play like that? Not to play 20 Questions or anything, but I really want to get to the bottom of this, LOL.

 

[nh23]

Do you ever feel apprehensive before you play like that? Not to play 20 Questions or anything, but I really want to get to the bottom of this, LOL.

Absolutely. But that's what I like. I get off on the fear/anticipation almost as much as the actual act.

 

[BiBunny]

Absolutely. But that's what I like. I get off on the fear/anticipation almost as much as the actual act.

I think I'm a chicken.

No, actually, I don't think that's what it is at all. I'm this way about everything, not just being a masochist. I'm just too anxious about everything overall, and it interferes with a lot of different things.

Unfortunately, when I get that way, I don't respond well to being forced. But being reassured before a long, painful scene ain't the way to go, either. Grrr at the negative feedback loop.

 

[nh23]

I think I'm a chicken.

No, actually, I don't think that's what it is at all. I'm this way about everything, not just being a masochist. I'm just too anxious about everything overall, and it interferes with a lot of different things.

Unfortunately, when I get that way, I don't respond well to being forced. But being reassured before a long, painful scene ain't the way to go, either. Grrr at the negative feedback loop.

How would you respond if he forced you?

 

[the captians wench]

I have very simular reactions. But I'm very trusting of my top, I also have a need to please that's so strong that it tends to trump my fear.

In other words I don't have a real issue pushing past my fear, and the fear is what really excites me in the first place. I do need a push to get the ball rolling, but once it's rolling I can push past the rest.

 

[intothewoods]

I sometimes experience fear in a scene. Plenty of times, actually. It's like - just enough fear that it's exciting - but not so much that I don't trust him. I basically just go with whatever I'm feeling in the moment. If it makes me angry, I wallow in anger. Fear. Whatever. It's not like I don't do what I'm supposed to. I just let myself feel what I'm feeling in the moment.

 

[BiBunny]

How would you respond if he forced you?

Good question. I'm not sure. Sometimes, it calms me, and I accept it. Most of the time, it just cues a greater panic reaction. I'm really not sure WTF is wrong.

I have very simular reactions. But I'm very trusting of my top, I also have a need to please that's so strong that it tends to trump my fear.

In other words I don't have a real issue pushing past my fear, and the fear is what really excites me in the first place. I do need a push to get the ball rolling, but once it's rolling I can push past the rest.

I sometimes experience fear in a scene. Plenty of times, actually. It's like - just enough fear that it's exciting - but not so much that I don't trust him. I basically just go with whatever I'm feeling in the moment. If it makes me angry, I wallow in anger. Fear. Whatever. It's not like I don't do what I'm supposed to. I just let myself feel what I'm feeling in the moment.

Thanks, Wenchie and ITW.

Yeah, it's not that I don't trust them. I think I'm just afraid of myself, and of him, and what I know the two of us are capable of together.

 

[tkvh4u2]

I used to worry that I would fall so deep into depravity that there will be no saving me, well that was when I was younger though and at 40 I suppose I am long past that. Papi does push me which I love, but I have to admit that sometimes it scares me how much I love the degradation.

 

[the captians wench]

Good question. I'm not sure. Sometimes, it calms me, and I accept it. Most of the time, it just cues a greater panic reaction. I'm really not sure WTF is wrong.





Thanks, Wenchie and ITW.

Yeah, it's not that I don't trust them. I think I'm just afraid of myself, and of him, and what I know the two of us are capable of together.

It's not always a bad thing to not to completely trust with no questions asked. I've been burned because of my complete trust in people. I'm still recovering from some of those scars, and when you play on the edge, those scars can run deep.

Think of it this way. We fear for a reason, you just have to decide is this fear you have something that's worth getting past, or something you should listen to?

 

[Homburg]

Rope, sturdy hard points, and duct tape. Cures what ails ya.

 

[BiBunny]

It's not always a bad thing to not to completely trust with no questions asked. I've been burned because of my complete trust in people. I'm still recovering from some of those scars, and when you play on the edge, those scars can run deep.

Think of it this way. We fear for a reason, you just have to decide is this fear you have something that's worth getting past, or something you should listen to?

It's for sure worth getting past. It's one of those things that's always been there, but it has slowly ballooned for a number of reasons, I guess.

 

[BiBunny]

Rope, sturdy hard points, and duct tape. Cures what ails ya.

I'm tempted. I'm very tempted.

 

[intothewoods]

Good question. I'm not sure. Sometimes, it calms me, and I accept it. Most of the time, it just cues a greater panic reaction. I'm really not sure WTF is wrong.





Thanks, Wenchie and ITW.

Yeah, it's not that I don't trust them. I think I'm just afraid of myself, and of him, and what I know the two of us are capable of together.

It's not always a bad thing to not to completely trust with no questions asked. I've been burned because of my complete trust in people. I'm still recovering from some of those scars, and when you play on the edge, those scars can run deep.

Think of it this way. We fear for a reason, you just have to decide is this fear you have something that's worth getting past, or something you should listen to?

I agree with wenchie, and also, I was riffing on where I'm at now, but I've experienced panic before. There was a period of time where everything freaked me out and made me want to run. And then it passed, for whatever reason.

 

[211kitten666]

i have some of the same problems. i shy away from the things i want and need out of fear. not of my Daddy of letting myself go mostly,sometimes i feel like my wants are silly to.i've been trying to get ovr them too,ive managed to be more open minded and a wait with great anticipation for him to come up with new things to do to me.....i just cant ask for anything.

 

[the captians wench]

It's for sure worth getting past. It's one of those things that's always been there, but it has slowly ballooned for a number of reasons, I guess.

Then I hope you achieve what you desire.