First meeting
- Thread starter FurryFury
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ataxia.girl
D/s anarchist
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When going from online to IRL, what safety rules should a newbie go by?
i hope this thread wasn't started just for reference...
i have no advice since i don't follow basically any "safety rules" just wanted to say
IRL is scary, fun, amazing, not nearly as awesome as i thought would be but oh so much more than i thought would be
VelvetDarkness
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Disclaimer: I'm writing this from a girl-meeting-guy perspective because it's the one I have experience with. I appreciate that not all meets are hetero and not all psychos are male.
Off the top of my head...
1) Meet somewhere public and do not go anywhere private on a first meeting, no matter how well it goes. Just cause a guy can act SSC for the duration of a date, doesn't mean he's not a psycho in disguise. If he pushes for play of any kind on the first meet, despite an agreement for it to be platonic - BIG RED FLAG.
2) Be careful about personal info. There's no need for a guy to have your address or mobile phone number before a meet. Also be careful about info such as where you work and hang out. Be especially guarded if he's also a local. There's plenty of time for all that once you know him better.
3) Make sure a friend knows where you're going and when you expect to leave. Call and tell her when you've met him ok and then have her ring back at an random interval during the date. Also have a failsafe phrase. Agree a specific word like 'fantastic' that is code for 'he has a knife to my throat, call the fucking cops!' That way you can't be forced to say you're fine when you're not. It's also a good idea to have the friend drop you off and pick you up so you don't have to take public transport or walk to a car unaccompanied.
4) Arrive late. That way you can scope him out beforehand and leave if he's nothing like you've been led to expect. Cruel but probably justified.
5) Get him to tell you what he'll be wearing. That should minimise the risk of you wandering up to someone else and making their day by accident.
Off the top of my head...
1) Meet somewhere public and do not go anywhere private on a first meeting, no matter how well it goes. Just cause a guy can act SSC for the duration of a date, doesn't mean he's not a psycho in disguise. If he pushes for play of any kind on the first meet, despite an agreement for it to be platonic - BIG RED FLAG.
2) Be careful about personal info. There's no need for a guy to have your address or mobile phone number before a meet. Also be careful about info such as where you work and hang out. Be especially guarded if he's also a local. There's plenty of time for all that once you know him better.
3) Make sure a friend knows where you're going and when you expect to leave. Call and tell her when you've met him ok and then have her ring back at an random interval during the date. Also have a failsafe phrase. Agree a specific word like 'fantastic' that is code for 'he has a knife to my throat, call the fucking cops!' That way you can't be forced to say you're fine when you're not. It's also a good idea to have the friend drop you off and pick you up so you don't have to take public transport or walk to a car unaccompanied.
4) Arrive late. That way you can scope him out beforehand and leave if he's nothing like you've been led to expect. Cruel but probably justified.
5) Get him to tell you what he'll be wearing. That should minimise the risk of you wandering up to someone else and making their day by accident.
FurryFury
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Great post! This is the sort of info I was looking for when I started the thread! Thanks!
naxalite0906
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When I met my current SO, we did not do any of this! In hindsight this was probably very stupid. Yes, things turned out wonderfully, but you cannot expect this just because you "click" when you chat online...
WriterDom
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I think it depends on the nature of the relationship. I lay out all the options and let her decide how things go down. It's easier for me because I've been around so long and met people and no one has disappeared or ended up in a barrel.
And I spend a couple of months getting to know them usually. So we are in somewhat of a relationship before we meet. So far, no one has requested a public meeting first. It's different than two people getting together because they are in the same town on Fetlife.
When someone asks me for advice I lean towards the safe side of things. Do as I say, not as I do. Because there are bad people in the world.
And I spend a couple of months getting to know them usually. So we are in somewhat of a relationship before we meet. So far, no one has requested a public meeting first. It's different than two people getting together because they are in the same town on Fetlife.
When someone asks me for advice I lean towards the safe side of things. Do as I say, not as I do. Because there are bad people in the world.
intothewoods
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I agree with the first three strongly, though I would add that it's a good idea to verify some identifying information about the person you're meeting. I would not play privately with someone unless I knew who they are and, say, where they work. Some sort of verifiable information.
SimonBrooke
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When going from online to IRL, what safety rules should a newbie go by?
I started writing this response before I'd read Velvet's. Basically I agree with Velvet but here it is in my words:
Ideally, have your first meeting at a public place. If you plan to have sex, you book a hotel room or other place where you will go to. Ideally, get a new mobile handset - a cheap 'Pay as You Go' one - and give him only that number, NOT your landline number and NOT your main mobile phone number. Ideally, don't allow him to have your home address until you've met a few times in the flesh and you're certain he's genuine.
DEFINITELY arrange a series of phone calls with a friend, such that if you do not make those phone calls your friend will take action. Velvet's suggestion of a keyword is a good one. Make sure your friend knows where you expect to be, and when. It's OK to let your PYL know in advance you'll be doing this (but not that there is a keyword!) - if he's in any sense genuine he will not be offended (and if he is offended then he is NOT OK).
Assuming the first meeting goes brilliantly and he seems to be your complete dream man, DO NOT let your guard down at the second meeting. Obviously, you'll build up trust over time, but a predator is capable of behaving well for quite a long time.
Velvet says get your friend to take you to the meeting place. There's another good reason for doing this: it prevents the PYL from noting down your car registration/license plate, and tracking you home that way. However, Velvet says 'be late'...
You will probably have agreed some specific recognisable garment to recognise one another by at the meeting place. Do not wear it, carry it in a bag. Wear a large floppy hat or something else which acts as partial disguise. Arrive EARLY. Watch what he does when he arrives. If you decide you like the look of him, go to the lavatory/bathroom/rest room, put the floppy hat in the bag, and put the recognition garment on.
All this is probably completely over the top. Your PYL is probably charming and thoughtful. These precautions are probably entirely unnecessary. But when we meet up with new people we take a risk. Those of us with the kink take a far bigger risk than other people; and those who are pyls take a far bigger risk than PYLs. It does no harm to be careful; it's part of valuing yourself.
And, to illustrate, here's a bit of a story - a story I haven't yet published anywhere:
Stephen sat back comfortably into the couch in the back corner of the
room, and took a paperback out of his pocket. He sipped his
cappuccino; he looked, idly, around. He'd chosen that seat because it
allowed him to see - and be seen by - everyone else there. Or
specifically, by the woman he had come here to be seen by; by the
woman who had come (or shortly would come) to see him. He wondered
what she would be like. Her choice of coffee bar pleased him - not a
stark, over clean, over lit, sanitised chain, but a slightly shabby
place, low ceilinged, dim, furnished with old and slightly shabby
sofas and armchairs. It felt a little like an old and literary Dublin
pub. It had, of course, a typically American range of coffees, a
typically American quality of service - they could say 'have a nice day'
as if they really meant it - and typically American amenities.
The two students at the next table using laptops, for example,
networked up by the cafe's wifi connection. Of course, what else?
Pretty girls; twenty one or twenty two, barely more than children. The
black-haired one, with perhaps a dash of Japanese in her heritage,
dressed with an endearingly innocent sluttishness; a very mini black
dress flaunting what she'd got, certainly, but, it seemed, just from
the pure joy of having it. Her companion - dark blond, of European
stock - dressed more conservatively, or perhaps just felt the cold;
she wore a long wrap-around skirt of undyed linen, and a short tan
jacket over a thin white blouse.
Nice looking girls, but not what he'd come here for. He was pretty
sure that the tall, dark woman on the opposite side of the room was
Nadia. She, like him, was apparently reading a novel, but occasionally
just looking around the room, as if pensive or waiting. He'd seen her
looking at him earlier; she would have seen the red scarf. He tried
not to let her see he'd noticed her.
She wore dark glasses, despite the poor light. Below them, good
cheekbones, and rather defiantly red lipstick. A close fitting
cashmere jersey of dark wine red showed off her form; below a slender
waist, a charcoal skirt hung to just below the knee, matching the
neatly tailored jacket folded over the arm of her chair. And below the
skirt, a pair of high boots whose buckles and spike heels hinted
discretely at fetish.
About twenty-eight or thirty, which agreed with the strong sense
of maturity he had from her emails. Slender, well made, small
breasted, ticking many of his boxes for female form; her hair in a
short page-boy, which didn't so much. The blonde student, now;
thick hair, below shoulder length, and curly. Hair you could tangle
your fingers in... still, you couldn't have everything, and the dark
woman was more than easy on the eye.
-----
Nadia looked at him. He didn't look that old - well, he hadn't in the
photograph, but who knew how old the photograph was? He wasn't bald or
fat or jowly. He didn't look as old as her dad, although she knew he
was older. Or at least, that he said he was older. She was pleased
that he did look like his photograph, that he'd sent her an honest
one. A bit like medieval monarchs sending portraits of themselves to
prospective brides...
Actually, he looked a lot like Giles in Buffy with those little
rimless glasses, and she'd always liked Giles in Buffy. He looked
remarkably unstressed, slouched back in the corner of an old couch
with his book. Surely he must feel as nervous, as unsure, as she
did. But it didn't show. He looked quiet, and kind... She wasn't sure
she wanted kind. This... wasn't meant to be about kind. But if he was
kind it would make it easier... The red scarf, draped round the collar
of his tweed jacket, looked to her like a reproach.
She thought back to her first plan, the one in which she'd originally
suggested that she would see him here, that she would come here to
assess him, to see if he looked OK. In that plan, she would already
have posted him a key to her flat. If she had liked what she saw today
(and she did), she would now be texting him the address. That would
actually have been easier than this. And more exciting. Lying in bed
tonight, shivering, listening for the sound of a key in the latch, the
surreptitious creak of her bedroom door; not knowing if it would come
tonight, or tomorrow, or...
But she had lost her nerve. What if he really was the Internet axe
murderer? What if she decided she didn't want to go through with it,
and he worked out her address anyway?
So she'd changed the plan. Gone back on it. Made it safer. And yet...
It felt awfully hard to walk across those last few yards of floor and
submit.
-----
A waitress came over and offered Stephen a refill of his coffee. He
couldn't help thinking of her as 'corn fed'; so many of these American
girls looked that to him. Glowing with health, with straight teeth
gleaming in their smiles, well turned out, and... just a trifle over
weight. But very polite, eager to be helpful. Puppyish in a way, but
pleasant. Probably she was a student, too...
Stephen glanced towards cashmere jersey, and, seeing her head was up,
away, at the table where the students were sitting. The black haired
one was gathering her things together, shrugging into a coat; the
blond one was gone. No, she was coming back from the 'restroom' - what
was it with Americans and their euphemisms? The two girls seemed to
quarrel, the black haired one speaking forcefully, the blond refusing
whatever it was that was being asked. The dark one ostentatiously
looked at her watch. There was another brief exchange, the blond girl
looking defensive. Her companion flounced out, and she sat down again,
looking blankly into space, twisting her hands. Stephen gave her a
sympathetic smile. She looked startled, then alarmed.
Stephen's phone beeped. He pulled it out of his pocket, flipped the
display; a text message. "Please don't go. I'm here, I've seen you,
I'm trying to find the courage". He looked across at the woman in the
cashmere sweater; she was looking towards him again, her eyes hidden
by the dark glasses. Stephen relaxed back into cushions, and returned
to his book.
He wasn't impatient. She would probably get up and come over. If she
didn't... It wasn't as if he'd come all this way specially. He'd only
mentioned he was coming to her part of the world, and asked whether
she's like to meet up. He would completely understand if she didn't,
if she bottled it. And... even this afternoon, sitting in this cafe,
was a sort of an adventure, had a special sort of frisson. Being
viewed as a potential partner by someone he knew and knew he liked,
even if he didn't know what she looked like, or what her voice would
sound like. He didn't know for certain; but he placed a bet with
himself that she was the woman in the cashmere sweater.
They'd met online. It's not surprising; Stephen seemed to spend a lot
of his life online, these days, and so, it seemed, did she. Not in a
cyberpunk, plugged in sort of way, not as a denizen of a wired world,
a fugitive from meat-space, but just as a domain in which odd, shy
people interested in odd, dark things could meet. They'd met through
stories. Both of them wrote stories. Both of them wrote stories rather
well. Mutual fans. When they'd corresponded, it had been about
stories. The distance, the very improbability of their ever meeting,
had made it possible to correspond about things which were deeply
personal to each of them.
Then, out of the blue, he's had to fly half across the world to a
meeting in her city - in the city in which she lived. And when he'd
said he was coming, she had wanted to meet - had wanted to use the
opportunity to try out for real some of the things she'd discussed
with him, things she would never do with the people she knew in real
life, the people around her. She was nervous, hesitant, shy - but she
wanted to meet him. He'd sent her his photograph; he'd sent her his
mobile number. All he could do now, was wait.
The afternoon was darkening towards evening, and a new crowd of people
were swirling into the bar, people who had just finished work, some in
business suits, some in jeans. A snap and click drew Stephen's eyes
back to the blond student, folding her neat laptop - one of those
tiny, elegant Sony Vaios they make for the Japanese market, which you
normally can't get in the west - putting it into her bag. She looked
up for a moment, meeting his eyes. To his surprise, she blushed. And
then she pulled a long, red scarf out of her bag, wound it once round her neck,
and came over.
"Hello, Stephen," she said. "I'm Nadia."
She held out her hand, formally, and formally he shook it. He thought
he contained his surprise; he hoped she didn't see it. He smiled,
putting all the welcome he could into it.
the captians wench
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When ever I met some one from the net my mom was given the guy's name, his phone number, a discription of him and/or picture when availible, what kind of car he drives (make modle year and color), and where we are meeting, at what time, and how long I anticipated on being in that place.
I called her before I left my apt, and then again when I got there. Then she called me at some random interval even though we always agreed on one hour. Then I would call her on my way home.
Some times, like the first time i met a couple of now dear friends, the meetings ran long, so she'd call me several times to check in.
The key thing is that I always let as many people as possible know where I was, who I was with, and what the plan was. And if any thing changed, every one got a text or phone call telling them the change.
When I met Jounar for the first time, my mom was also given the number to the US Embasy in Dublin. She still didn't feel like she had enough information, but she knew every thing from my flight number to his shoe size. It was all written in an email and sent to her so that she could refference it later.
Most of the people that I met up with offline, I knew online for a year or more. Not always, but mostly. If they get bored of me before that time, then i kind of wonder about them a bit. I like significant amounts of time to get to know some one. It's not a sure thing, and not allways the case, but it makes me feel a bit more at ease anyway.
FurryFury
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You are very welcome! You'll find this board tends to be helpful and rather nice more often than not.
FurryFury
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FurryFury
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So true! Too often it is hard to tell who is good and who isn't. Our instincts and kinky hungers can lead us to do things that aren't exactly wise.
FurryFury
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FurryFury
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Wow! A story! Who doesn't love stories? Also there are some good tips too! Thanks!
ecstaticsub
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I know all the things Velvet listed make since and are probably the smart thing to do, but for the most part I didn't do most of them.
Yes, I met my PYL for our IRL meeting in a public place (a hotel bar) but we only stayed there a matter of minutes before going to his room. I was having sex with him within 10 minutes of going in to his room. A few hours later I allowed him to restrain and blindfold me before play.
It sounds totally insane except I had met him on a message board where I watched him interact with others for months before he and I started IMing and talking. Then we talked daily for hours for 5-6 months before meeting. There is a lot you can telll about a person just by quietly watching what he says and how he reacts to a heated discussion. He (and I) were very frequent posters so I got to learn much about him.
Maybe I was just lucky but I trust my instincts. I knew I could trust him. I knew I was in love with him within a month of talking to him.
Even with that I followed some basic safety rules, both because my PYL told me to and to make my husband feel better.
I knew his real name, his address, home and cell phone numbers, pictures of himself and family--all of which I gave to my husband and my sister. I called my husband with the hotel room number as soon as his key opened the door. My husband also called a couple times during the evening to check on me. Even now four years later I call my husband with the room number and hotel after I arrive and check in periodically.
Like Wenchie had mentioned spending significant time on-line made me feel very comfortable meeting off-line.
Yes, I met my PYL for our IRL meeting in a public place (a hotel bar) but we only stayed there a matter of minutes before going to his room. I was having sex with him within 10 minutes of going in to his room. A few hours later I allowed him to restrain and blindfold me before play.
It sounds totally insane except I had met him on a message board where I watched him interact with others for months before he and I started IMing and talking. Then we talked daily for hours for 5-6 months before meeting. There is a lot you can telll about a person just by quietly watching what he says and how he reacts to a heated discussion. He (and I) were very frequent posters so I got to learn much about him.
Maybe I was just lucky but I trust my instincts. I knew I could trust him. I knew I was in love with him within a month of talking to him.
Even with that I followed some basic safety rules, both because my PYL told me to and to make my husband feel better.
I knew his real name, his address, home and cell phone numbers, pictures of himself and family--all of which I gave to my husband and my sister. I called my husband with the hotel room number as soon as his key opened the door. My husband also called a couple times during the evening to check on me. Even now four years later I call my husband with the room number and hotel after I arrive and check in periodically.
Like Wenchie had mentioned spending significant time on-line made me feel very comfortable meeting off-line.
the captians wench
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*giggles* that reminds me of my first meet with Jounar. As you know, we knew each other via the net for 3 years before I went there to meet him. I broke a lot of rules with that meeting. International travel by myself probably being the biggest. *giggles* He picked me up at the airport, he picked out the hotel, I had no idea how to get around the city, I was totally out of my element, but I never felt safer than I did under his gaize.
And he wasn't the first person I met with out breaking all of the rules, though there was probably a lot more risk with the international travel and all. I've been lucky, I wouldn't sujest giving some one your address on the first meet, or taking a 2 hour road trip in their car to anyone, but both situations turned out to create some very meaningful friendships.
Dreamliner
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Yes, a cafe or bar ( I will predicate this with "upmarket bar") provide an opportunity to meet in open with people around you. A hotel lobby is another reasonable place as you can often proceed to the lobby cafe/bar. These places provide the opportunity to meet, without it being a dinner date or such like which may be more formal and less easy to thanks, but no thanks.
Now this is not that fair. You shou arrive early, so the guy can scope you out and decide!
I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. A lot will be situationl dependent and how you relate to the person over the internet. Have you used webcam etc? This can be a great tool to use in your decision-making process.
Whilst there may be an element of danger in meeting a person for the first time when you have only comunicated over the internet...it can raise the tension levels...and include sexual tension.....
It seems to me most people posting here on the BDSM threads would be quite a safe proposition, that is a non-exact scientific assumption. Mtg somone you meet on other forums may also involve your level of confidence and trust in the people you have interacted with there on those forums.
FurryFury
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Tawny_Temptress
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00Syd
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I've met plenty of guys in real life who I had initially met online, and the only safety rule I ever followed was to meet in a public place and have my cell phone on me. I always met either in coffeeshops or restaurants that I knew to be relatively crowded (or at least busy) or on a crowded street corner. So far I've been a pretty decent judge of character and have never needed any other safety precautions.
shy slave
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Everyone has given really good advice, velvet and wenchie summed it up for me, from a safety pov, although I tend to arrive early so i can see them come in, I hate being late!
But Writerdom also makes the point, in do as I say not as I do, which has relevance to me.
Every date I have been on since 2003 has been with someone I met online. In one case he emailed me a copy of his passport, citizen number and I in turned emailed it to a family member. So I can get it right, but other times I have been less cautious, to no ill effect; until recently when I thought I would be safe, but I didn't feel it at te time.
Last year I started talking to someone (I talk to alot of people online and he was just one of those I would chat to when he was around). We had alot of things in common and started talking on the phone after a couple of months; he then said he had a vanilla g/f and this was a side thing.
At that point I said 'no thanks, I am not planning on being a secret'
We agreed to carry on talking, for nine months we spoke almost every day, about every thing. Usually work, the weather or just to say hi. He rang me, it was very ordinary and very vanilla. But we never met.
In Feb this year I had to go on a course near to where he lived and worked. We agreed to meet for lunch in a cafe. No pressure, just friends, we had not spoken of anything sexual or flirted for several months.
i arrived parked opposite the cafe and got out my car, from nowhere a hand was in my hair pulling my head backwards so i was looking upwards and almost falling over.
A man spat right into my face.
He came around in front of me and demand I take my 'drawers' (panties for the US people) off.
I was shaking with shock, but tried to be calm when I said 'no'
He stared at me for a few seconds before saying we should eat.
We went into the cafe, I refused food, played with a mug of tea for a couple of minutes before saying I had to go and I left.
I was scared, very scared. This had happened in broad daylight in a very busy street full of people of all nationalities and cars parked everywhere. I drive back to the course and only then did I wash my face.
At no point in any conversation had we spoken of this type of thing, I would have vanished like a rabbit if he had of done. I hate surprises and find them terrifying in a bad way.
Friends have said I should not have gone into the cafe, but I did. I did not want him to know how scared I was, I did not want him in his car following me, so going in and leaving unexpectedly; knowing he had to pay the bill and then come out was the better option I think.
Friends have said I should have called the police, but try telling a cop you went to meet someone you met on the net and they spat on you, it doesn't sound as if I am in a right mind, never mind him.
He rang me the next day and I spoke to him but after that I stopped taking his calls. Ironically he thought he had not been rough enough!
It was only in last couple of weeks he saw me online and we spoke, he had no idea he had scared me. he thought every sub really wanted that treatment.
But in six years that is the first time I have had a problem, and it was with someone I thought I knew.
I thought i had played by the rules, but clearly something had gone wrong.
It has made me wary, but not every person on the net is an idiot, and for those to whom this means something I have found they are far more respectful than those for whom it is a curiosity.
But Writerdom also makes the point, in do as I say not as I do, which has relevance to me.
Every date I have been on since 2003 has been with someone I met online. In one case he emailed me a copy of his passport, citizen number and I in turned emailed it to a family member. So I can get it right, but other times I have been less cautious, to no ill effect; until recently when I thought I would be safe, but I didn't feel it at te time.
Last year I started talking to someone (I talk to alot of people online and he was just one of those I would chat to when he was around). We had alot of things in common and started talking on the phone after a couple of months; he then said he had a vanilla g/f and this was a side thing.
At that point I said 'no thanks, I am not planning on being a secret'
We agreed to carry on talking, for nine months we spoke almost every day, about every thing. Usually work, the weather or just to say hi. He rang me, it was very ordinary and very vanilla. But we never met.
In Feb this year I had to go on a course near to where he lived and worked. We agreed to meet for lunch in a cafe. No pressure, just friends, we had not spoken of anything sexual or flirted for several months.
i arrived parked opposite the cafe and got out my car, from nowhere a hand was in my hair pulling my head backwards so i was looking upwards and almost falling over.
A man spat right into my face.
He came around in front of me and demand I take my 'drawers' (panties for the US people) off.
I was shaking with shock, but tried to be calm when I said 'no'
He stared at me for a few seconds before saying we should eat.
We went into the cafe, I refused food, played with a mug of tea for a couple of minutes before saying I had to go and I left.
I was scared, very scared. This had happened in broad daylight in a very busy street full of people of all nationalities and cars parked everywhere. I drive back to the course and only then did I wash my face.
At no point in any conversation had we spoken of this type of thing, I would have vanished like a rabbit if he had of done. I hate surprises and find them terrifying in a bad way.
Friends have said I should not have gone into the cafe, but I did. I did not want him to know how scared I was, I did not want him in his car following me, so going in and leaving unexpectedly; knowing he had to pay the bill and then come out was the better option I think.
Friends have said I should have called the police, but try telling a cop you went to meet someone you met on the net and they spat on you, it doesn't sound as if I am in a right mind, never mind him.
He rang me the next day and I spoke to him but after that I stopped taking his calls. Ironically he thought he had not been rough enough!
It was only in last couple of weeks he saw me online and we spoke, he had no idea he had scared me. he thought every sub really wanted that treatment.
But in six years that is the first time I have had a problem, and it was with someone I thought I knew.
I thought i had played by the rules, but clearly something had gone wrong.
It has made me wary, but not every person on the net is an idiot, and for those to whom this means something I have found they are far more respectful than those for whom it is a curiosity.
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shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
When going from online to IRL, what safety rules should a newbie go by?
Does this mean you are moving from online to IRL with someone?
I hope it works out {{{hugs}}}
VelvetDarkness
Polysyllable Whore x
- Joined
- May 24, 2006
- Posts
- 6,521
I would agree with you but if you have exchanged photos with a prospective meet, as I had once (nothing outrageous, just a pic of me fully clothed) then arriving first can work against you. I arrived to a meet and sat in a different cafe, across the street from the one we were due to meet in. The guy recognised me despite that, which put me at a bit of a disadvantage. I like the idea of concealing the recognition garment but this only really works if he hasn't seen what you look like.
