First meeting

[VelvetDarkness]

{{{{{Shy}}}}}

I can't believe how that asshole treated you. What planet do these cyberpseudodoms live on exactly?

 

[shy slave]

{{{{{Shy}}}}}

I can't believe how that asshole treated you. What planet do these cyberpseudodoms live on exactly?

{{Hugs Back}}​

Ahh well, it proves that no matter how many safety precautions you take, or how well you think you know someone, sometimes you don't.

It has sort of put me off spit though.....lol

 

[SimonBrooke]

i arrived parked opposite the cafe and got out my car, from nowhere a hand was in my hair pulling my head backwards so i was looking upwards and almost falling over.
A man spat right into my face.
He came around in front of me and demand I take my 'drawers' (panties for the US people) off.
I was shaking with shock, but tried to be calm when I said 'no'

He stared at me for a few seconds before saying we should eat.
We went into the cafe, I refused food, played with a mug of tea for a couple of minutes before saying I had to go and I left.

Wow! That's a very scary story. I'm really sorry that happened to you, but it does emphasise the need to be careful. I hope your guy was young enough to learn, and thoughtful enough to think about what he did - and not do it again!

 

[shy slave]

Wow! That's a very scary story. I'm really sorry that happened to you, but it does emphasise the need to be careful. I hope your guy was young enough to learn, and thoughtful enough to think about what he did - and not do it again!

Oh sadly he was not young enough to learn, he is in his fifties, but I think it shook him to know a few months later he actually scared me.

But I am young enough to learn, odd thing is no little red flags appeared in my mind at all. Not one, which is most usual, normally there is some clue that things may not go well.

It won't stop me meeting people from the net, I met velvet in London a while back and she never spat at me, not once!

In fact I thought she was so lovely that when ADR came over, she and I met her again, once again velvet managed not to spit on either of us.

Proof that not all pervs on the net are weird!!

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

Everyone has given really good advice, velvet and wenchie summed it up for me, from a safety pov, although I tend to arrive early so i can see them come in, I hate being late!

But Writerdom also makes the point, in do as I say not as I do, which has relevance to me.

Every date I have been on since 2003 has been with someone I met online. In one case he emailed me a copy of his passport, citizen number and I in turned emailed it to a family member. So I can get it right, but other times I have been less cautious, to no ill effect; until recently when I thought I would be safe, but I didn't feel it at te time.

Last year I started talking to someone (I talk to alot of people online and he was just one of those I would chat to when he was around). We had alot of things in common and started talking on the phone after a couple of months; he then said he had a vanilla g/f and this was a side thing.
At that point I said 'no thanks, I am not planning on being a secret'

We agreed to carry on talking, for nine months we spoke almost every day, about every thing. Usually work, the weather or just to say hi. He rang me, it was very ordinary and very vanilla. But we never met.
In Feb this year I had to go on a course near to where he lived and worked. We agreed to meet for lunch in a cafe. No pressure, just friends, we had not spoken of anything sexual or flirted for several months.

i arrived parked opposite the cafe and got out my car, from nowhere a hand was in my hair pulling my head backwards so i was looking upwards and almost falling over.
A man spat right into my face.
He came around in front of me and demand I take my 'drawers' (panties for the US people) off.
I was shaking with shock, but tried to be calm when I said 'no'

He stared at me for a few seconds before saying we should eat.
We went into the cafe, I refused food, played with a mug of tea for a couple of minutes before saying I had to go and I left.

I was scared, very scared. This had happened in broad daylight in a very busy street full of people of all nationalities and cars parked everywhere. I drive back to the course and only then did I wash my face.

At no point in any conversation had we spoken of this type of thing, I would have vanished like a rabbit if he had of done. I hate surprises and find them terrifying in a bad way.

Friends have said I should not have gone into the cafe, but I did. I did not want him to know how scared I was, I did not want him in his car following me, so going in and leaving unexpectedly; knowing he had to pay the bill and then come out was the better option I think.

Friends have said I should have called the police, but try telling a cop you went to meet someone you met on the net and they spat on you, it doesn't sound as if I am in a right mind, never mind him.

He rang me the next day and I spoke to him but after that I stopped taking his calls. Ironically he thought he had not been rough enough!

It was only in last couple of weeks he saw me online and we spoke, he had no idea he had scared me. he thought every sub really wanted that treatment.

But in six years that is the first time I have had a problem, and it was with someone I thought I knew.

I thought i had played by the rules, but clearly something had gone wrong.

It has made me wary, but not every person on the net is an idiot, and for those to whom this means something I have found they are far more respectful than those for whom it is a curiosity.

That is horrid! WTF? No one should be treated like that unless it has been discussed and both are agreeable. Sorry you had to endure that.

 

[rumara]

actually i had asked furryfury's advice about this. the response has been incredibly helpful for this newbie, and i appreciate it. thanks, all.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Disclaimer: I'm writing this from a girl-meeting-guy perspective because it's the one I have experience with. I appreciate that not all meets are hetero and not all psychos are male.

Off the top of my head...

1) Meet somewhere public and do not go anywhere private on a first meeting, no matter how well it goes. Just cause a guy can act SSC for the duration of a date, doesn't mean he's not a psycho in disguise. If he pushes for play of any kind on the first meet, despite an agreement for it to be platonic - BIG RED FLAG.

2) Be careful about personal info. There's no need for a guy to have your address or mobile phone number before a meet. Also be careful about info such as where you work and hang out. Be especially guarded if he's also a local. There's plenty of time for all that once you know him better.

3) Make sure a friend knows where you're going and when you expect to leave. Call and tell her when you've met him ok and then have her ring back at an random interval during the date. Also have a failsafe phrase. Agree a specific word like 'fantastic' that is code for 'he has a knife to my throat, call the fucking cops!' That way you can't be forced to say you're fine when you're not. It's also a good idea to have the friend drop you off and pick you up so you don't have to take public transport or walk to a car unaccompanied.

4) Arrive late. That way you can scope him out beforehand and leave if he's nothing like you've been led to expect. Cruel but probably justified.

5) Get him to tell you what he'll be wearing. That should minimise the risk of you wandering up to someone else and making their day by accident.

Agree with most except #4. IME, arriving late is not a good sign for a prospective partner, PYL or pyl to give, nor is it usually viewed as a good sign for future possibilities but can be read as very rude or uncommitted. As for the rest, they all are good, but reality and best made plans often differ.

Catalina

 

[Corylea]

Ahh well, it proves that no matter how many safety precautions you take, or how well you think you know someone, sometimes you don't.

Quite true. Also, while there are predators who intentionally lie, there are also people who are not intentionally lying to you; the person they're lying to is themselves, but you can get carried along for the ride.

I met someone on the net and exchanged a lot of e-mail with him and thought I knew him reasonably well. I even knew that there were some things that he was hiding from himself! But he presented himself as a very thoughtful, kind, and ethical person, and I believed him. He wrote so MUCH about ethics and clearly thought so MUCH about what The Right Thing To Do was in various situations. This turned out to be wildly off. He turned out to be one of the most selfish people I've ever known, not at all kind, and quite willing to throw ethics to the wind for all manner of trivial reasons. He presented himself as a very intelligent and rational person, and while I still believe in the intelligence, he's not at all rational; he turned out to be actively delusional about who I am and who he is.

No matter how well you think you know someone, no matter how wonderful they seem to be, be very careful with net people. And be careful not just with your body but also with your heart -- you don't have to actually meet someone to take damage from them.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Agree with most except #4. IME, arriving late is not a good sign for a prospective partner, PYL or pyl to give, nor is it usually viewed as a good sign for future possibilities but can be read as very rude or uncommitted. As for the rest, they all are good, but reality and best made plans often differ.

Catalina

I agree that lateness can give the wrong first impression but I'm not talking significantly late, just the few minutes required to have a good chance of arriving second. Plenty of excuses can be made and any PYL worth his/her salt should know better than to make sweeping judgements because a prospective pyl was 5 or 10mins late.

 

[SumLightCat]

Have an escape route and make sure people know where you are and will be. Consider carrying a taser, if you're really paranoid.

God, I read that as toaster instead of taser at first. I just had this really weird image of a girl turning up for a meeting carrying a toaster.

Hmm ...

toaster fetish?

 

[MisterSir]

God, I read that as toaster instead of taser at first. I just had this really weird image of a girl turning up for a meeting carrying a toaster.

Hmm ...

toaster fetish?

I don't know, toasters can be pretty heavy and made of metal, so they're a fairly solid weapon to be used in a pinch.

 

[ShyGuy68]

Oh sadly he was not young enough to learn, he is in his fifties, but I think it shook him to know a few months later he actually scared me.

But I am young enough to learn, odd thing is no little red flags appeared in my mind at all. Not one, which is most usual, normally there is some clue that things may not go well.

It won't stop me meeting people from the net, I met velvet in London a while back and she never spat at me, not once!

In fact I thought she was so lovely that when ADR came over, she and I met her again, once again velvet managed not to spit on either of us.

Proof that not all pervs on the net are weird!!

No some of us are quite nice, even tough we want to spank your ass!

 

[shy slave]

No some of us are quite nice, even tough we want to spank your ass!

 

[the captians wench]

Holly crap shy!

The most obtrusive insident I had was with a guy pulling my trigger word on me. I let it slip out in conversation, but the meet was suposed to be very light hearted. When his trying to get me to let my gaurd down and him in my panties didn't work, he pulled my trigger word.

I ended the evening at that moment and let him know he crossed the line with me.

This is the same guy who ended up subbing to me for a while, which may explain why he's the only guy I've ever really enjoyed topping.

 

[shy slave]

Holly crap shy!

The most obtrusive insident I had was with a guy pulling my trigger word on me. I let it slip out in conversation, but the meet was suposed to be very light hearted. When his trying to get me to let my gaurd down and him in my panties didn't work, he pulled my trigger word.

I ended the evening at that moment and let him know he crossed the line with me.

This is the same guy who ended up subbing to me for a while, which may explain why he's the only guy I've ever really enjoyed topping.

Men are weird

 

[Cattypuss]

Something I'm not sure anyone has mentioned...

As well as telling a friend where I'm going and who I'm meeting (incl the man's username on teh website/whatever and his mobile no.), and arranging for the friend to contact me and having a codeword etc etc etc etc as everyone has said, I always tell the friend what I'll be wearing.

That way if the police have to go looking for witnesses, they can say what I was wearing.

 

[ShyVixen]

When going from online to IRL, what safety rules should a newbie go by?

When first meeting my current SO, I guess I wasn't as cautious as I should have been. Fortunately, everything turned out okay. He wasn't a weird pervert

But I did the basic safety things - set up a safe call, people knew where I was going. They knew various details about him (although again, this could have been lies). We met in a public place. There was no intention of sex, just lunch and conversation.

We had a basis of almost a year's communication - online, phone- and things just fell into place.

Shy's experience can make meeting people really daunting though.

My important pieces of advice would be: set up safe calls, tell someone as much as you can about the other person, and meet in a very public place.

 

[shy slave]

Hi Shy,

Yes my experience can make meeting people dauting, but being blunt, in the past six years of meeting people from the net; he is the only one who scared me.

Of course, there have been a few I have never and would never meet for all kinds of reasons.

I have met possibly 100's of people so the odds are good.

Equally blunt, and before anyone else points it out, it only takes one to put your life at risk.

Then again, I only had to drive to meet him, Wenchie went a whole ocean; if that had not worked it would have been very hard, safe calls or not.

Its about perspective, physically people can cause another person physical or mental harm when meeting, but that should not stop people meeting; it is part of known reality.

Bad things don't always happen to other people, but they don't always happen to us either

Shy, can I ask, are you the shy who is with Nax?
When I read he was with 'shy' I got a suprise wondering if I had missed something and I was in a relationship instead of single!!
Having spoken to him a while ago online, he seems a great person, so I do hope its you

An add on thought, Nax could be with shyguy I suppose, he is a great guy too....

 

[wouldloveto]

Lces

LCES= Lookouts, Communication, Escape Route, Safety Zone.

This comes from wildland firefighting and is the essence of what it takes to be safe in a life threatening situation. It is a distillation of more numerous rules and has relevance in other situations.

Lookouts can be as simple as a friend knowing where you are, or being in the background to help you out.

Communication can be with that lookout, but it starts with the person one is meeting.

Escape Route was talked about earlier in a great post, have a way out.

Safety Zone, this is a bit tougher but it can ensuring that you have all of the above in order to facilitate the ultimate goal of personal safety.

 

[PertPerth]

Over ~5 years, I've probably met over 100 guys from the internet..only 3 ended up in an actual relationship. My general rules were meeting during the day for coffee first. At first I agreed to swap mobile numbers before meeting, but after the guy (who I didn't want to see again) who sms/phoned me during the night asking for sex, I don't give my number until they "pass" the coffee date!
I've not had any very freaky stories, mostly just slightly weird guys - like the one who wanted someone "pure", and didn't want to date a girl with any tattoos, piercings, fake nails, implants fillings in her teeth. (and as I have pierced ears and a gold crown on one of my molars, I failed!)

 

[ShyVixen]

Hi Shy,

Yes my experience can make meeting people dauting, but being blunt, in the past six years of meeting people from the net; he is the only one who scared me.

Of course, there have been a few I have never and would never meet for all kinds of reasons.

I have met possibly 100's of people so the odds are good.

Equally blunt, and before anyone else points it out, it only takes one to put your life at risk.

Then again, I only had to drive to meet him, Wenchie went a whole ocean; if that had not worked it would have been very hard, safe calls or not.

Its about perspective, physically people can cause another person physical or mental harm when meeting, but that should not stop people meeting; it is part of known reality.

Bad things don't always happen to other people, but they don't always happen to us either

Shy, can I ask, are you the shy who is with Nax?
When I read he was with 'shy' I got a suprise wondering if I had missed something and I was in a relationship instead of single!!
Having spoken to him a while ago online, he seems a great person, so I do hope its you

An add on thought, Nax could be with shyguy I suppose, he is a great guy too....

It is all about perspective. I'm still sorry to hear about your experience though It must have been extremely frightening.

*smiles* Yes, I'm the 'shy' that's with Nax. He is a great person, one of the best and I am very lucky to have him in my life.

 

[shy slave]

It is all about perspective. I'm still sorry to hear about your experience though It must have been extremely frightening.

*smiles* Yes, I'm the 'shy' that's with Nax. He is a great person, one of the best and I am very lucky to have him in my life.

*small hijack*

I am really happy to know you two are together

 

[naxalite0906]

*small hijack*

I am really happy to know you two are together

So am I

I tried chatting to you on yahoo the other night, but you did not respond. It was always nice when you were around to talk, so I just hope you are ok and well

 

[DVS]

The last time I met someone for a face to face, it was in a busy restaurant, in the middle of the day. She got their first, and was sitting at a table by the time I got there.

She said she had a friend sitting at another table and all she had to do was give this person a sign if she needed help. She also got a couple of phone calls while we talked, presumably from this person. Both times she said things were going fine. I have no idea if this person was really there or not and I didn't care.

When we paid for the food, she suggested we both pay cash so no credit cards would be shown. She was thinking of me, too, I guess. I didn't care if she knew me, but in hind sight, it probably isn't a good thing, in case she turns out to be some knife carrying wild woman.

She said she wanted to leave first, so I wouldn't follow her, and so I wouldn't see her car or her license plate. She said her friend would be sure I stayed long enough after she left.

She left, and I had some pie before I left. I don't know what would have happened if I had tried to leave sooner. Someone come up behind me with a stun gun or something? Who knows. But her system worked.

You should never give out personal info on the first meeting. Never play on the first meeting. Because the submissive is going to have to trust the Dom, it might be good to give her enough to check you out with the police sometime down the road.

The first meeting isn't the time for that though. But it's good for her to know you aren't at least a known rapist or serial murderer. Sure, you could be one that hasn't yet been entered into the system, but there are risks in all meetings.

I tell women to bring a friend if they want. I have nothing to hide. They can take turns asking questions if they want. One can watch my reactions while the other asks the questions. I want her to feel safe with me, and not be watching over her shoulder any time we're together. I want to give her any chance she wants to feel safe with me. The sooner she trusts me, the sooner the relationship will get going.

But, ultimately, the Dom shouldn't seem too eager to get the show on the road. Let the submissive do anything she wants until she feels safe. It's her call as to when and how and where and IF you meet together privately.

I thought I'd add what the library says about the topic of safe calls. That's where you have a friend to call, if something goes wrong on your first play date, or your first meeting, etc.

The simplest call is the one that doesn't arrive. That should tell your friend there is a problem and to call the police. But, you can get quite fancy with safe calls.

Below is a link to that area and there are some threads to read. Many of the posts in those threads have very good information. That's why they made it into the library.

The BDSM Library topic of safe calls and safe words.

 

[Adakgirl]

arranging for the friend to contact me and having a codeword etc etc etc etc as everyone has said, I always tell the friend what I'll be wearing.

That way if the police have to go looking for witnesses, they can say what I was wearing.

And that right there is the danger. Submissives think that having a code word to say to the checker/safety caller if in trouble..and or them giving or receiving safety calls at a certain times, and or at certain intervals will help keep them safe. Believing in the use of those methods and dependence on them to keep you safe and alive is terribly dangerous and false belief.

A lot of bad things can and do happen to women before or after those safe-call intervals. they feel safe, someones due to call or you are due to call them...if no call happens the police are contacted and sent to the scene. Several things can happen here
.
#1- The police may refuse to respond to a scene where there is no eyewitness proof or tangible physical evidence that any crime is being committed or has been committed. Nobody heard anybody scream bloody murder..nothing was seen or heard..all they have is your word that a phone call was not made or not answered. Two consenting adults on a date and 0 phn calls is all you can give them.

By the time you MIGHT convince the cops to go check it out. The woman is dead already if someone means to kill them its done and over before the cops get even near them to help.

#2- A woman feels safer because she has covered her ass and set up these calls, she lets down her guard and is less aware, more relaxed more vulnerable because of that and she can be murdered or seriously injured and dying in between any of the times of those 2nd or 3rd or 4th safe call...it's already to late when a safe call does not come in.

Simple as that.
Know how to trust and your gut instinct and listen to your fear. If you feel fear get the hell out of there. Do not say to yourself" Oh silly me, why am I feeling so afraid all of a sudden?, just look at this man...he couldn't hurt a fly! he has done nothing to make me feel so afraid... looks perfectly safe to me...just nerves i guess"

Never go anywhere alone with a man you are meeting for the 1st time.
Do NOT ever get in the vehicle of a man you have never met before. Do NOT go into any area that is private, secluded or away from the public eye at all with a man you have never met before. Carry a self defense weapon and don't be afraid to use it and know how to use it properly.