Interstate lover hasnt had a man in 8 years

[BrushStrokes]

Hi all,
an interstate lover (met over the net) hasn't been with a man (sexually) for about 8 something years.

we have know each other for about a year, maybe a bit more, an on again off again relationship. The reason for an on again off again relationship is due to the fact I couldn't be neatly put in a slot/ description of some kind, thus the 'hot and cold' nature of it. She admits to having a burning desire for me......flattering and mildly embarrassing at the same time.

So, we are communicating again, and she has asserted herself as heterosexual, after two long term lesbian relationships.

So she has trusted me to become her first man after a long spell as single (at least a year or so)

We have talked on the phone, had some very steamy phone sex, and she admits, let herself indulge in all kinds of fantasies while in phone sex.

She likes the idea of exploring her boundaries, after having done so on the phone (or via sms)

She has masturbated both vaginally and anally over the phone, and on the occasional night. (no phone calls, f.e.)

She would like to explore anal sex, may be some mild domination, as well as conventional sex too.

Admittedly, she feels nervous, so I am trying to reassure her, let her feel comfortable with the pace at which we move. She's concerned that her phone persona may shrink from tiger to tabby cat when we meet in person.

I don't think that our first date should be (or will be) 'Hi, how are you?' with a quick kiss, then she turns around and bends over.

I'd rather it be a slow build up to a natural point. Mind you, little head is keen to go "right now!" just at the thought of it (as always), but big head is trying to think more then 60 seconds out.

Here's the real questions, I suppose:

- like any new lover, how do we maintain the balance between trust and desire?

- how would you handle it? *

*(I'd value the ladies opinions on this a bit more, as I try to understand her viewpoint better. Guys thoughts welcome too, I'm just trying to fathom the unfathomable, from a guys point of view)

Regards

 

[SweetErika]

we have know each other for about a year, maybe a bit more, an on again off again relationship. The reason for an on again off again relationship is due to the fact I couldn't be neatly put in a slot/ description of some kind, thus the 'hot and cold' nature of it. She admits to having a burning desire for me......flattering and mildly embarrassing at the same time.

I can't figure out if this is relevant to your questions or not. Is it? If so, how?

So, we are communicating again, and she has asserted herself as heterosexual, after two long term lesbian relationships.

Huh.

She's no longer attracted to women AT ALL, and she identifies as hetero, rather than bisexual?

I don't think this is terribly relevant to the topic at hand, but it's certainly very curious.

She would like to explore anal sex, may be some mild domination, as well as conventional sex too.

Are you wondering how you should do this, or what?

Sorry, but I'm really having trouble connecting the dots.

Admittedly, she feels nervous, so I am trying to reassure her, let her feel comfortable with the pace at which we move. She's concerned that her phone persona may shrink from tiger to tabby cat when we meet in person.

Have you delved into WHY she's concerned?

Here's the real questions, I suppose:

- like any new lover, how do we maintain the balance between trust and desire?

- how would you handle it? *

*(I'd value the ladies opinions on this a bit more, as I try to understand her viewpoint better. Guys thoughts welcome too, I'm just trying to fathom the unfathomable, from a guys point of view)

Can you elaborate on your questions? For instance, what are you asking about handling and what do you mean by maintaining the balance between trust and desire? Are you asking how soon you should be physically intimate?

Also, what are YOUR ideas on dealing with this situation; that is, what have you come up with so far?

Otherwise, hopefully others will understand what you're trying to get at better and be able to give you the advice you seek. However, in general, good advice here is often borne out of good questions and active participation on the part of the original poster/advice-seeker. So, the more relevant info, clarity and effort you can give, the better your chances of receiving solid, relevant help.

 

[BrushStrokes]

SweetErika,
sorry if my post sounds confused,

it's probably because its a bit confused in my own head, and I have compressed too much in the way of history into too few sentences.

I'll review my first post, then segment it down into more relevant info, with a distinction on what I think and what I presume may be her concerns. Give me a day or two to try and clarify....

Next thoughts-
I feel as though the relationship may have been unintentionally over complicated by the long distance aspect of it, plus the fact I confused her (her words) as where I fitted in to her relationship vision.

She admits she is drawn to me very sexually (and has been from the first call), happy to be a lover and a friend, still wishes to be an independent lady at this point in time.

[I just re-read that. I still sound confused....sigh]


The main question, for me, is probably still how to maintain a balance between trust and desire?


Hope it clears it up a little

regards

 

[SweetErika]

Where does the issue of trust come in? Are you afraid you'll break her trust, or she'll break yours? Or has trust on someone's part already been broken or called into question? Or do you feel like trust hasn't been built yet? Or asking about how you build enough trust upon meeting to get into bed?

I guess the only way I can see balancing trust and desire as an issue is if you're so overwhelmed with wanting to get in her panties that you throw trust out the window, refuse to see red flags, stop if she says so, etc. But maybe I'm still not picking up what you're putting down.

Have you talked with her about this stuff? Working through your concerns and such together would probably be the best way to go. IMO, if you two couldn't communicate about something like this, that'd say a lot about your level of trust (or lack thereof, rather).

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think that whatever you do, you shouldn't leap straight into kink. She may have expressed a desire for domination but that takes time and trust even with a devoutly hetero lady. Leave that on the shelf for now and concentrate instead on re-acquainting her with hetero sex.

One thing that does concern me is how she has reacted to past events in extremes. She has a bad experience with a guy and so she launches herself headfirst into lesbianism, having 2 relationships. Something goes wrong with a female partner and she decides she's actually heterosexual?

Who in their right mind does that? If she doesn't identify as bi then WTF does she think she is? There is something very weird about this woman's choices in my opinion and I think you should be concerned about that rather than asking for advice on how to get in her knickers. If you are seeking a long term relationship, these issues need to be discussed and resolved. If you're seeking a fuckbuddy, it might just behove you to pick someone a bit less obviously unhinged.

 

[BrushStrokes]

An update,
first, thanks for the input.

Guys aren't that good at tuning into gut instinct or intuition, so it was good to get some feedback.

We are talking, and things are being clarified, particularly the items of respect for the other.

Velvet, I heed your advice, no diving into Kink. Just Hetero sex.

Part of the background is that she had some serious illness with her ovaries,(we weren't in contact then, a period of non communication) and she was surprised by which of her social circle came through, and which were 'fair weather friends'.

I am still being clear headed, just airing it was helpful

(You could well imagine the quality of advice that the average guy would get Rolleyes)

Thanks for the time taken to reply.

Regards

 

[TeeR69]

I'm sorry .. I'm a guy .... but IMO ... which I know you asked for the ladies but I can't help but stick my nose in here a little bit. I think intimacy is what this lady is not getting from the past men in her life. If she has gone back and forth and now back again, she longs for a man that can give her the intimacy that many men lack. JMO

 

[xPoisonx]

I'm assuming you're after a relationship rather than just sex but are you certain she wants the same?

It can be very easy to be sexual online or over the phone when reactions etc can be hidden. Obviously meeting for the first time you aren't going to just rip each others clothes off, as much as we all write like that it rarely happens people need time to be comfortable with each other (usually).

I'd say its important to meet with no expectations or promises of sex. Just get together for perhaps a drink and some conversation without there being any pressure on either one of you.

There obviously has to already be some measure of trust in place in order for her to be so open on the phone and willingly to actually meet.

 

[infinity706]

I think that whatever you do, you shouldn't leap straight into kink. She may have expressed a desire for domination but that takes time and trust even with a devoutly hetero lady. Leave that on the shelf for now and concentrate instead on re-acquainting her with hetero sex.

One thing that does concern me is how she has reacted to past events in extremes. She has a bad experience with a guy and so she launches herself headfirst into lesbianism, having 2 relationships. Something goes wrong with a female partner and she decides she's actually heterosexual?

Who in their right mind does that? If she doesn't identify as bi then WTF does she think she is? There is something very weird about this woman's choices in my opinion and I think you should be concerned about that rather than asking for advice on how to get in her knickers. If you are seeking a long term relationship, these issues need to be discussed and resolved. If you're seeking a fuckbuddy, it might just behove you to pick someone a bit less obviously unhinged.

I think the hetero/lesbian thing might just be that she's one of those people that has a hard time accepting bisexuality as a real thing. There's plenty of people that think you have to be one or the other.

 

[heyscanman]

Velvet's instincts are right on. Dude: Run! Run like the wind! If you don't, you might find yourself in a deep hole in someone's basement (It will put on the lotion.)