What am I?

[Shadowann2]

I have lurked for a while here, and in the BDSM Café, and I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, so please forgive me if this is in the wrong place. Also, I apologize for the length of the post; I just feel that I need to include as much information as possible so that anyone who responds, can make an educated suggestion.

I have learned from my lurking about D/s relationships, and what a Top and a bottom are. I understand the concept of PYL/pyl, I think, but I'm just not sure where I fit into all of these categories.

I have a very dominant personality. In my day-today life, I tend to be the decision maker, and, in general, the dominant personality in my relationships.

However, when it comes to sex, being physically dominated turns me on to no end. I love being spanked, having my hair pulled, being bitten, and being tossed around. I get wet instantly when, out of nowhere, my fiancé shoves me against a wall and aggressively molests me. I love to feel dominated and feel out of control. I want him to tell me what to do and use me for his pleasure. I love to be tieed up and feel that he has complete control over my body. When he puts his hand on my throat, and pins me down that way, it makes me so wet! Now, of course, this is all an illusion of loss of control. I know if I tell him to stop, he'd do it immediately, without question.

The idea of being a slave has no appeal. I would never want a man to collar me, or be at his beck and call, outside the bedroom. Being told when I can cum or masturbate, or being given a list of tasks to follow would bring out the rebellious side of me, and I could not deal with it. My submissive side only comes out DURING sex. Outside the bedroom, I am the one in control. In fact, I'm a bit of a control freak about my body and my relationships. I refused to have an epidural during childbirth, because the idea of not being able to control my body freaked me out! I have never done drugs and rarely get drunk, because I don't like feeling out of control.

So what does that make me? I don't think I'm a submissive, because I want to submit only inside the bedroom. Am I a bottom? I have never thought that I was simply vanilla, but I am very confused as to what label to associate myself with.

 

[ZRT]

Is the label terribly important? I'm dominant, in life and in relationships. I have relationships with women who call me 'master' or 'boss' or other suitable titles, but beyond calling myself a 'dom' on occasion, I really don't worry about the labeling process. I'm me, that's what matters, and the funny names are for around the house for me and mine.

You have well-defined tastes for what you want, expect, and accept in your relationships. That's the important part, I'd say.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I would say that the label 'bottom' probably applies more to you than 'submissive' because there's no real power exchanged when you're having kinky sex with your fiancé. There are plenty of people who like to submit sexually and in no other context. You could also call yourself masochistic if you particularly enjoy painplay like spanking and biting. As ZRT said though, the labels are really irrelevant so long as your relationship with your fiancé is good and you're both having fun.

Here on forums like this and in kinky communities, labels are a handy way of giving others a very basic understanding of your kink orientation and approximate extent thereof. In the privacy of your home with your guy, you can call yourself whatever you like.

 

[LovingDom86]

Much agreed that labels are only as important as what they mean to you.

If you are asking a direct and honest opinion of the peanut gallery, my two cents would say that you would fall very assuredly into the submissive category of labels; sub perhaps, not so much a slave; see, the specifics can be a problem

Now, something to think about is that no two subs, or Doms, or people, are ever exactly alike. It would seem that you are more worried about not fitting some cookie-cutter mold you believe is the "norm" than you are content with who you are and how you tick. Is there such a thing as a submissive who doesn't like being spanked? Of course! A sub that, like you, is the dominant one outside of the bedroom? Thousands!

Again, labels are only as empty or full as you make them out to be. If you don't like the candidates, make up your own! But do be assured that you are most certainly not some odd D/s case that cannot be figured out. The more people you talk to, and the more you can broaden your horizons in BDSM terms, the more you will understand and accept your own personal place in the wide world.

 

[Shadowann2]

Is the label terribly important? I'm dominant, in life and in relationships. I have relationships with women who call me 'master' or 'boss' or other suitable titles, but beyond calling myself a 'dom' on occasion, I really don't worry about the labeling process. I'm me, that's what matters, and the funny names are for around the house for me and mine.

You have well-defined tastes for what you want, expect, and accept in your relationships. That's the important part, I'd say.

I would say that the label 'bottom' probably applies more to you than 'submissive' because there's no real power exchanged when you're having kinky sex with your fiancé. There are plenty of people who like to submit sexually and in no other context. You could also call yourself masochistic if you particularly enjoy painplay like spanking and biting. As ZRT said though, the labels are really irrelevant so long as your relationship with your fiancé is good and you're both having fun.

Here on forums like this and in kinky communities, labels are a handy way of giving others a very basic understanding of your kink orientation and approximate extent thereof. In the privacy of your home with your guy, you can call yourself whatever you like.

Thank you both for your responses. I guess I just feel the need for a label because I am very interested in exploring more about the BDSM lifestyle, and would like to know where I fit in. If I'm having a conversation with someone about the lifestyle, I think it would help them to know where I am coming from if I can give myself as accurate a label as possible. Perhaps a masochistic bottom would be a fair label?

As I understand it, a bottom submits to a top during sex, but there is no exchange of power (I looked in the BDSM Library). I'm not sure I understand that. Isn't there, by definition, an exchange of power if one individual submits to the will and desires of another, even if it is only within the confines of the bedroom?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

As I understand it, a bottom submits to a top during sex, but there is no exchange of power (I looked in the BDSM Libuary). I'm not sure I understand that. Isn't there, by definition, an exchange of power if one individual submits to the will and desires of another, even if it is only within the confines of the bedroom?

The way I understand it, a bottom retains all the aces during play. A sub might have a safeword and pre-agreed limits but within those restrictions, anything goes. A sub is also prepared to suffer play that is physically/emotionally non-pleasurable simply because s/he knows that it pleases the dom. Bottoms only engage in S&M as far as it remains pleasurable/gratifying to them and they retain the right to refuse to do anything they dislike. Also, bottoms can/will happily ask for exactly what they want whereas a sub's focus is ultimately on pleasing the dominant partner. I hope that makes sense.

 

[Shadowann2]

Much agreed that labels are only as important as what they mean to you.

If you are asking a direct and honest opinion of the peanut gallery, my two cents would say that you would fall very assuredly into the submissive category of labels; sub perhaps, not so much a slave; see, the specifics can be a problem

Now, something to think about is that no two subs, or Doms, or people, are ever exactly alike. It would seem that you are more worried about not fitting some cookie-cutter mold you believe is the "norm" than you are content with who you are and how you tick. Is there such a thing as a submissive who doesn't like being spanked? Of course! A sub that, like you, is the dominant one outside of the bedroom? Thousands!

Again, labels are only as empty or full as you make them out to be. If you don't like the candidates, make up your own! But do be assured that you are most certainly not some odd D/s case that cannot be figured out. The more people you talk to, and the more you can broaden your horizons in BDSM terms, the more you will understand and accept your own personal place in the wide world.

Thank you. That makes sense to me. As I said, I have been lurking around the BDSM boards for a few months and I'm just trying to understand the lifestyle. I want to understand where I fit in when discussing and reading about it. I guess I (incorrectly) thought that being a sub meant that you enjoyed a broad spectrum of pain and had a submissive personality in your daily life.

 

[Shadowann2]

The way I understand it, a bottom retains all the aces during play. A sub might have a safeword and pre-agreed limits but within those restrictions, anything goes. A sub is also prepared to suffer play that is physically/emotionally non-pleasurable simply because s/he knows that it pleases the dom. Bottoms only engage in S&M as far as it remains pleasurable/gratifying to them and they retain the right to refuse to do anything they dislike. Also, bottoms can/will happily ask for exactly what they want whereas a sub's focus is ultimately on pleasing the dominant partner. I hope that makes sense.

That makes a lot of sense! And it seems to fit my desires quite well. While I find pleasure in almost everything my partner (past and present included) ask me to do, simply because I know it will bring them pleasure, I do have my hard limits. I am not so submissive that I would do something that is repugnant to me, simply because he asked me to.

 

[LovingDom86]

Thank you. That makes sense to me. As I said, I have been lurking around the BDSM boards for a few months and I'm just trying to understand the lifestyle. I want to understand where I fit in when discussing and reading about it. I guess I (incorrectly) thought that being a sub meant that you enjoyed a broad spectrum of pain and had a submissive personality in your daily life.

You're right in that your understanding of what is generally understood as being a submissive is wrong

And who can define it? It really and truly is whatever it means to you. Approached with an open mind and accepting heart, your journey will lead you where you need to go

 

[Shadowann2]

You're right in that your understanding of what is generally understood as being a submissive is wrong

And who can define it? It really and truly is whatever it means to you. Approached with an open mind and accepting heart, your journey will lead you where you need to go

Thank you! I appreciate your help as I begin this journey.

 

[ZRT]

Have fun. Knock yourself out. Or get knocked out, as it were. Go forth and sin some more.

 

[Shadowann2]

Have fun. Knock yourself out. Or get knocked out, as it were. Go forth and sin some more.

Lol...I used to be Catholic...I'm very good at the sinning!

 

[Etoile]

The way I understand it, a bottom retains all the aces during play. A sub might have a safeword and pre-agreed limits but within those restrictions, anything goes. A sub is also prepared to suffer play that is physically/emotionally non-pleasurable simply because s/he knows that it pleases the dom. Bottoms only engage in S&M as far as it remains pleasurable/gratifying to them and they retain the right to refuse to do anything they dislike. Also, bottoms can/will happily ask for exactly what they want whereas a sub's focus is ultimately on pleasing the dominant partner. I hope that makes sense.

Exactly. So dead on target.