Have you ever felt like you are too old to have certain feelings? But the feelings devistate as if you were a child again? Idon't know what is going on.
I am fucking cracking up. My mom threw a fit that I sent her flowers on her birthday. Suddenly, she has a "moral objection" to the "great waste and cruelty" of it.
What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK? I've been sending her birthday Flowers for over a decade. I make sure the flowers are always her favorite, that they arrive on time and have a special message attached. I do it because I want her to know how much I love her.
I don't send her gifts with the expectation of getting something back. I do it to honor my mother.
When it's my birthday I'm lucky to get a card a week later. A phone call? Forget it.
I've mentioned that when it's her friend's birthday there is always a large gift and surprise party. It's a big deal. She said she likes her friends. When I said, ok but don't you like me? She hesitated and said....well, I love you. Parents kinda haveta love their kids...its part of the contract 'hahaha'.
So this is her half assed, cowardly way of letting me know I am nothing more than an obligation to my mother. I don't know why I don't please her. I don't know how to please her. I've spent my whole life trying to get her to pay attention to me, love me. It never works, and it has disastrous consequences for me. Which in turn gives her more of a reason to dislike and ignore me.
For 29 years I've allowed myself to become numb to this treatment. Even to the point of denial. When my husband met my mother he told me, "no offence, hon but I fucking hate your mom. She treats you like shit; she treats her fucking border collie better than she treats you. If anything, it’s her fault that you've struggled so much with your mental illness (depression etc)" But when he said it, I was caught off card. In fact, I was totally startled.
Sometime later I described my childhood to a therapist who said bluntly, "I hate your mother". Again, I was totally shocked and appalled by and even found myself DEFENDING my mother. Except all the excuses fell flat.
Even though I'm adult, I have finally realized I don't and never had a mother. It is devastating. It is like having all the wind taken from you. I feel a gut wrenching pain that I've never felt before. I have no idea how to process it.
It's great timing too, because I'm 7 months pregnant with a baby girl.
I am fucking cracking up. My mom threw a fit that I sent her flowers on her birthday. Suddenly, she has a "moral objection" to the "great waste and cruelty" of it.
What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK? I've been sending her birthday Flowers for over a decade. I make sure the flowers are always her favorite, that they arrive on time and have a special message attached. I do it because I want her to know how much I love her.
I don't send her gifts with the expectation of getting something back. I do it to honor my mother.
When it's my birthday I'm lucky to get a card a week later. A phone call? Forget it.
I've mentioned that when it's her friend's birthday there is always a large gift and surprise party. It's a big deal. She said she likes her friends. When I said, ok but don't you like me? She hesitated and said....well, I love you. Parents kinda haveta love their kids...its part of the contract 'hahaha'.
So this is her half assed, cowardly way of letting me know I am nothing more than an obligation to my mother. I don't know why I don't please her. I don't know how to please her. I've spent my whole life trying to get her to pay attention to me, love me. It never works, and it has disastrous consequences for me. Which in turn gives her more of a reason to dislike and ignore me.
For 29 years I've allowed myself to become numb to this treatment. Even to the point of denial. When my husband met my mother he told me, "no offence, hon but I fucking hate your mom. She treats you like shit; she treats her fucking border collie better than she treats you. If anything, it’s her fault that you've struggled so much with your mental illness (depression etc)" But when he said it, I was caught off card. In fact, I was totally startled.
Sometime later I described my childhood to a therapist who said bluntly, "I hate your mother". Again, I was totally shocked and appalled by and even found myself DEFENDING my mother. Except all the excuses fell flat.
Even though I'm adult, I have finally realized I don't and never had a mother. It is devastating. It is like having all the wind taken from you. I feel a gut wrenching pain that I've never felt before. I have no idea how to process it.
It's great timing too, because I'm 7 months pregnant with a baby girl.
