An entirely difficult task.

[curious476]

It's hard to know what you are by reading all these columns. I am submissive but I do not like being whipped or physically abused. I will suck a cock but I won't kiss a man. I will eat cum from a woman's pussy but I will not swallow when I suck a cock.
I don't like fucking but I worship pussy, actually, sucking pussy is my favorite activity.
Man, it's hard to find a woman who will put up with all of this crap but occasionally I find one who needs a guy like me and when I do there is little I won't do to please or amuse her.
So, what am I, a whimp, a fool, a confused cocksucker or a DomFemales pride and joy??

 

[CutieMouse]

So you're submissive, but it's all about you?

 

[BiBunny]

So you're submissive, but it's all about you?

I you.

 

[Adakgirl]

Sounds to me like you are a Bi-sexual male, nothing in your post describes you a submissive male.
or you may very well be correct in listing these two descriptions

a fool, a confused cocksucker

 

[WriterDom]

Do you do windows?

 

[pandoravampire]

Id say you are as your name suggests, curious.
Im now a old lady. But prior to entering my bdsm relationships and actually experiencing things for myself, i had no idea what 'label' i could wear. Had i been asked to describe myself, i might well of written what you have.

And whilst i have NEVER done certain things with some partners, when the time was right, when id been lulled, when i had trust, i would.

Now im married to my D, and have done things i definately said 'never' to at some time. some of those things were great! some were as i suspected, not for me. And as he loves me, he gets sod all out of doing things to me i dont like. Even though id allow it of course. It really only is magic, when you are both gaining from what you are doing.

We call ourselves D/s. We have an agreement that im the s in that.
Others probably think we arent. I couldnt give a flying fig!

 

[JMohegan]

It's hard to know what you are by reading all these columns. I am submissive but I do not like being whipped or physically abused. I will suck a cock but I won't kiss a man. I will eat cum from a woman's pussy but I will not swallow when I suck a cock.
I don't like fucking but I worship pussy, actually, sucking pussy is my favorite activity.
Man, it's hard to find a woman who will put up with all of this crap but occasionally I find one who needs a guy like me and when I do there is little I won't do to please or amuse her.
So, what am I, a whimp, a fool, a confused cocksucker or a DomFemales pride and joy??

Lots of submissives have physical limits. Yours seem a bit more pedestrian than most, but I don't think that necessarily disqualifies you from the type.

I'd say WD has the most relevant question. The broader issue is: are you comfortable and satisfied when deferring to a partner in a personal relationship, on his/her timetable and according to his/her direction, even when it doesn't get you off?

 

[Arkhilokhus]

The broader issue is: are you comfortable and satisfied when deferring to a partner in a personal relationship, on his/her timetable and according to his/her direction, even when it doesn't get you off?

Forgive me for hijacking the thread to focus on my own questions about submissiveness as a label, but looking at this question, I find I can only give a qualified affirmative, depending on whether we're referring to a particular point in time or to the relationship as a whole.

Backing up for just a moment, I call myself (tentatively) a submissive because I have an emotional urge to defer to women, both through courtesies and by accepting their judgement, and I feel pleasure and arousal when I do so. I can see how being in a relationship where I was giving such deference on a regular basis could be a delight. However, my other needs are still present (and separate; sexual attraction has no role in my desire to defer to a woman).

And so, returning to the statement above, at any given point in time, I could be satisfied in giving deference without getting off. But over the long term, if that characterized the relationship as a whole, if I was rarely or never getting off, then I would think I'd be bitterly unhappy. Possibly even resentful.

Does that mean I'm not a submissive? Not the end of the world if so, although I'd then welcome suggestions on what to call myself.

 

[Adakgirl]

I know you are directing your question at JM but I am going to answer you anyway. No it does not mean you are not a submissive. Yes, the description you give of yourself does describe a submissive. But submissives should also be willing to put their Dominant's needs above their own at all times.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I don't think the OP is a sub. He appears to want to do activities that he regards as submissive, but completely on his own terms with no real power exchange. Most dominants want obedience from a sub and the freedom to push limits and have the sub engage in activities they might find a turn off or challenge. Pussy eating is not submissive. Cock sucking is not submissive. They're bisexual activities that pleasure the receiver rather than the giver but they're not submissive.

You say you have no interest in pain, but you're not ceding any control either. How can that be defined as submission?

I think you should have a think about what submission means to you and why a dominant would want anything to do with you. Submissives generally like being out of their comfort zone, at the mercy of another, obedient even when they're not particularly fond of an activity, pushed, challenged, toyed with and kept on their toes to ensure the dominant gets excellent service from a sub seeking desperately to please them.

If you're seeking a partner curious476, the BDSM Personals forum would be a better place to post.

 

[MisterSir]

If you're going to take anything away from what Velvet just said, and I advise you do your best, let it be:

You say you have no interest in pain, but you're not ceding any control either. How can that be defined as submission?

Ask yourself this and get back to us. Then we might be able to give you a hand.

 

[Adakgirl]

Pussy eating is not submissive. Cock sucking is not submissive. They're bisexual activities that pleasure the receiver rather than the giver but they're not submissive.

You say you have no interest in pain, but you're not ceding any control either. How can that be defined as submission?

Exactly, that's what Cutie is saying I think and what I said too only you put it in clearer terms.

 

[JMohegan]

I don't see the part in the opening post where the OP refuses to cede any control. What I'm seeing is someone who IDs as submissive, and then presents a list of limits, as well as physical likes and dislikes.

There are many self-identified femsubs on this board who say things like: "Needles make me faint on sight; if you put a spider on my naked tummy I'll dump your ass; I won't do needle play; I hate gags; I refuse to do poly."

Not sure why people think a male sub isn't entitled to declare or set his own limits in the very same way.

 

[JMohegan]

And so, returning to the statement above, at any given point in time, I could be satisfied in giving deference without getting off. But over the long term, if that characterized the relationship as a whole, if I was rarely or never getting off, then I would think I'd be bitterly unhappy. Possibly even resentful.

This is true for 99.9% of all people, whether they ID as non-kinky, subs, or slaves.

Everyone has needs, and if the D in question never or rarely addressed the needs of the s, then the s would move on - and rightfully so.

 

[CutieMouse]

I don't see the part in the opening post where the OP refuses to cede any control. What I'm seeing is someone who IDs as submissive, and then presents a list of limits, as well as physical likes and dislikes.

I don't have an opinion of the OP re: submissive or not. Everyone at least starts with a laundry list of limits/hotness/etc; however, *to me* the OP read as a "this is about me, not you" path - which caused me to raise an eyebrow. (especially given the asstastic day I was having the other day - apologies for that)

There are many self-identified femsubs on this board who say things like: "Needles make me faint on sight; if you put a spider on my naked tummy I'll dump your ass; I won't do needle play; I hate gags; I refuse to do poly."

Not sure why people think a male sub isn't entitled to declare or set his own limits in the very same way.

I'd have responded the same if the OP were female instead of male... 'cause in my world there is a fine but definite line between a discussion of hard limits and "me me me".

Sigh... I should probably not post when I'm this stressy.

 

[MisterSir]

I don't see the part in the opening post where the OP refuses to cede any control. What I'm seeing is someone who IDs as submissive, and then presents a list of limits, as well as physical likes and dislikes.

It's a subtle thing, but it's in the language he uses (which, I guess, would be our version of body language). He doesn't use terms like "I'm not interested in...", it's a flat "I will not..." and that sends up a red flag to me. Of course, I could easily be talking out of my arse, but opinions. Awesome things.

 

[Homburg]

It's a subtle thing, but it's in the language he uses (which, I guess, would be our version of body language). He doesn't use terms like "I'm not interested in...", it's a flat "I will not..." and that sends up a red flag to me. Of course, I could easily be talking out of my arse, but opinions. Awesome things.

Yeah, the language choices struck me the same way. Just doesn't sound submissive.

That said, I'm not one that thinks that therm is itself magic. Too many people seem caught up in that particular word, and I don't get it. Why is it important to identify as such? Why is there an implication of value prsent in "submissive" that is apparently absent in "bottom"? The OP strikes me as more bottomy than submissive for the reasons mentioned here and in Velvet's post. But what does it matter if I think that way, or anyone else for that matter?

People get spun up on labels, wanting them, wanting to avoid them, etc. Whatever. Labels are just language, and are used to help people find common ground. If you don't want to cede power, but call yourself a submissive, you are likely to disappoint someone looking for power exchange. If you want power exchange, but call yourself a bottom, you may well be disappointed when someone just wants to beat you without any sort of power involved. But if you can find a good match even when using a label that some might call inaccurate, well, more power to you.

 

[JMohegan]

I don't have an opinion of the OP re: submissive or not. Everyone at least starts with a laundry list of limits/hotness/etc; however, *to me* the OP read as a "this is about me, not you" path - which caused me to raise an eyebrow. (especially given the asstastic day I was having the other day - apologies for that)



I'd have responded the same if the OP were female instead of male... 'cause in my world there is a fine but definite line between a discussion of hard limits and "me me me".

Sigh... I should probably not post when I'm this stressy.

Women who ID as femsubs have come here and said: "I'm not into pain, don't want to be beaten. Is there any hope for me finding a Dom?"

The general response is to comfort and coddle and pat her on the head and say: "Don't worry, not all Doms are sadists."

The OP didn't come here asking whether he is submissive. He came here saying it's a "difficult task" trying to find a D who will accept him with all of his limits.

Hence my assumption that gender's the root of the treatment here. If not, I'm perfectly happy to take your word for it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Women who ID as femsubs have come here and said: "I'm not into pain, don't want to be beaten. Is there any hope for me finding a Dom?"

The general response is to comfort and coddle and pat her on the head and say: "Don't worry, not all Doms are sadists."

The OP didn't come here asking whether he is submissive. He came here saying it's a "difficult task" trying to find a D who will accept him with all of his limits.

Hence my assumption that gender's the root of the treatment here. If not, I'm perfectly happy to take your word for it.

Good points.

 

[JMohegan]

It's a subtle thing, but it's in the language he uses (which, I guess, would be our version of body language). He doesn't use terms like "I'm not interested in...", it's a flat "I will not..." and that sends up a red flag to me. Of course, I could easily be talking out of my arse, but opinions. Awesome things.

Your opinion is no more or less valid than anyone else's, including mine.

Femsubs here declare "I will not...." all the time. Often in the context of an "I'm not a doormat" discussion.

 

[JMohegan]

Good points.

Thank you.

 

[JMohegan]

agreed.

example;

I will not permit contaminants like excrement or raw chicken to touch me without a severe washing which may or may not include a shower.

A former Mistress pushed this limit (accidentally i think) and was cross at the horror of my reaction. We compromised on 3 hand washings, a change of clothes, and some scrubbing.

so tell me; am I not submissive for that?

Or am i not submissive only because i could not make myself relocate?

A basic tenet of the SSC credo, to which so many claim to subscribe, is the idea that the s has the right to set limits and insist that they are respected by the D.

But again, I don't see the OP asking everybody to judge whether he has self-ID'd correctly.

So.... moving on to the "difficult task" issue.... the first point I would make is that there are plenty of service Dommes. Women who want their coffee prepared correctly, and so on. How the physical fits in, I don't know.

 

[Homburg]

This is the first thing i've seen posted that remotely convinces me that anyone has any buisness telling anyone else that they are not submissive after they have identified themselves to be.

thank you Homburg.

The few times I've made comments along these lines was usually to ask someone what they meant, if they knew about the term "bottom", etc. As I've said many times, I like bottoms, and have some friends and occasional play partners that are bottoms. My friend SW is a great example. She's not particularly submissive, but is polite. When she bottoms to me, there are some strong submissive flavours, but only within the context of that scene, and never verbalised. I would not want that in a long-term romantic D/s relationship, but we're friends. As a friend and play-partner, that's great. Add in her fantastic energy and how well we scene together, and we're both happy with the relationship.

that aside; actions are infinitely more important than labels. Go find that Femmedom to serve, be her pride and joy, and it won't matter whether anyone here thinks your dynamic is valid or who, aside from your Mistress, calls you submissive.

Acta non Verba.

Very true. Given the sharply individual nature of BDSM relationships, compatibility matter far more than labels.

agreed.

example;

I will not permit contaminants like excrement or raw chicken to touch me without a severe washing which may or may not include a shower.

A former Mistress pushed this limit (accidentally i think) and was cross at the horror of my reaction. We compromised on 3 hand washings, a change of clothes, and some scrubbing.

so tell me; am I not submissive for that?

Or am i not submissive only because i could not make myself relocate?

Neither. If I tell viv to fly around the room, and she fails to do so, she is no less submissive for her inability to fly. Your reaction to excrement and raw chicken is the sort of behaviour that I would class as not necessarily under your control. For OCD types, it is very definitely not under complete control. Taking serious issue with it would be like yelling at someone for bleeding when cut. No point to that. (Not to say that it isn't frustrating when it pops up, but, damn, have some understanding)

As to not relocating, honestly, that is not something I'm going to fault someone for. That is the sort of gigantic change in life that not everyone can do. Kids, careers, family, etc may well outrank the relationship in that person's life view. To use viv as an example again, would she be not a slave if I told her to harm one of our children and she didn't? No, she would be a good mother, and, frankly, I would hope that "mother" was a more important role than "slave". I certainly expect as much.

 

[HarlotMinx]

Neither. If I tell viv to fly around the room, and she fails to do so, she is no less submissive for her inability to fly. Your reaction to excrement and raw chicken is the sort of behaviour that I would class as not necessarily under your control. For OCD types, it is very definitely not under complete control. Taking serious issue with it would be like yelling at someone for bleeding when cut. No point to that. (Not to say that it isn't frustrating when it pops up, but, damn, have some understanding)

See, you say that but Moon ordered me to grow a penis one day; being a good slave girl I of course did. If Viv can't fly yet she needs to focus more of her slave powers on her aerodynamics, anything else is just laziness.

The really amusing part is we've told people that in the past and apparently people will take you seriously....

In all seriousness this really underscores the importance of getting to know your partner and the number one reason I hate casual play with strangers or simply being given off to a person who I don't know. People have all sorts of limitations and they really come out of blind alleys. It's not just subs either, a lot of Dom/mes have triggers that you could accidentally set off. I think that whoever this person eventually finds, they go into a in depth conversation about their limits because they aren't 100% obvious.

 

[Homburg]

Thanks again Homburg.

as my Grandma used to say

"you ain't bad, kid."

which i'm sure she stole from somewhere, but to me; they got it from her.

Heh, yeah, grandmas do that stuff. I probably use a dozen different phrases from my grandparents, and they originated them, dammit.

--

See, you say that but Moon ordered me to grow a penis one day; being a good slave girl I of course did. If Viv can't fly yet she needs to focus more of her slave powers on her aerodynamics, anything else is just laziness.

Not everyone possesses your particular skillset

The really amusing part is we've told people that in the past and apparently people will take you seriously....

That's hilarious.

In all seriousness this really underscores the importance of getting to know your partner and the number one reason I hate casual play with strangers or simply being given off to a person who I don't know. People have all sorts of limitations and they really come out of blind alleys. It's not just subs either, a lot of Dom/mes have triggers that you could accidentally set off. I think that whoever this person eventually finds, they go into a in depth conversation about their limits because they aren't 100% obvious.

Yeah, it's one of the reasons why I don't lend out my property. I know them, you don't, etc.