Topping from the bottom?

[unregistered]

 

[FurryFury]

I'd have to say yes. I've had some little success.

He has gotten to where he likes to spank me. He has shared his fantasies which I've tried to make happen.

I think that's all to the good. That's where I'll stop, for now, too.

 

[curiousirish]

I was in a similar situation.......I have got to the point now were my husband plays the Dom a little (spanking restraining etc) but he is never gonna be able to completely take the role as it just isnt in him naturally I dont think.....he often says he'll hurt me!! I cant get across the point that maybe I want it to hurt!!

maybe its easier for someone outside the relationship to Dom I dont know......???

just thinking out loud .......

 

[ecstaticsub]

I am so happy to hear things are going so well for you at home. It sounds like taking small steps is the way to go.

To answer your question for me personally I have to say no. Years ago we tried a little role play BDSM. He tried. He bought some leather restraints and some fetish wear for me but it just wasn't working for us. I had to learn to accept that he is naturally on the submissive side and just couldn't command. On my end I couldn't stop trying to tell him what to do and how to do it. I hated it.

But I love him. We have been happily married for over 20 yrs and we both enjoy other kinky stuff together that it didn't really matter.

It was just by luck that I met my present Dominant. I am very grateful to my husband for being open and secure enough to let me be owned by another.


I don't mean to discourage you. Your situation sounds totally different than mine. There have been ideas that my husband has introduced me to that at first left me totally cold but after letting the ideas sink in and learning a little bit more I have been able to explore his kinky ideas with him and even really enjoy them. Sometimes it just took me a little while to let things gel in my head.

 

[FurryFury]

I was in a similar situation.......I have got to the point now were my husband plays the Dom a little (spanking restraining etc) but he is never gonna be able to completely take the role as it just isnt in him naturally I dont think.....he often says he'll hurt me!! I cant get across the point that maybe I want it to hurt!!

maybe its easier for someone outside the relationship to Dom I dont know......???

just thinking out loud .......

See I think my husband and yours are just NOT Doms and are never going to be. They may be a bit kinky which is great. They may enjoy making us happy, which is wonderful but they won't ever been a Dom.

 

[myinnerslut]

topping from the bottom is manipulative. learning together is not. you have three options in a relationship (assumed two person relationship here for relevance): 1)partner a knows more then partner b, 2)partner b knows more then partner a, or 3)both know exactly the same. the third just isn't likely. in erotica and porn the dom may always know more, but in real life this isnt always the case. as long as you arent trying to manipulate your husband and are keeping your insights, ideas, and suggestions respectful, open, and honest, i wouldnt call what you are doing topping from the bottom.

 

[FurryFury]

topping from the bottom is manipulative. learning together is not. you have three options in a relationship (assumed two person relationship here for relevance): 1)partner a knows more then partner b, 2)partner b knows more then partner a, or 3)both know exactly the same. the third just isn't likely. in erotica and porn the dom may always know more, but in real life this isnt always the case. as long as you arent trying to manipulate your husband and are keeping your insights, ideas, and suggestions respectful, open, and honest, i wouldnt call what you are doing topping from the bottom.

Boy do I agree with that. You can't top from the bottom IMO, if he isn't a Dom. There is no harm however in making suggestions that you both enjoy.

 

[curiousirish]

See I think my husband and yours are just NOT Doms and are never going to be. They may be a bit kinky which is great. They may enjoy making us happy, which is wonderful but they won't ever been a Dom.

exactly.....and it makes things difficult and frustrating at times.......of course the obvious answer is to play outside the relationship.......somehow I cant see that going down too well with him...?? but being sub for me is a "NEED", now that I have discovered it i cant switch it off.....difficult one

 

[FurryFury]

exactly.....and it makes things difficult and frustrating at times.......of course the obvious answer is to play outside the relationship.......somehow I cant see that going down too well with him...?? but being sub for me is a "NEED", now that I have discovered it i cant switch it off.....difficult one

My husband gave me "permission to cheat" and promised he would "forgive me."

I wouldn't like myself much if I did. I sure as shit don't want to have to be forgiven so that's just out of the picture for me.

So then it was a him and my kids or my needs. Well really it was more what do I need more. And that clear answer after a lot of mucking about was him and the kids.

I did with his blessing try online for a while. Given the givens I felt too (self) limited and therefore began to hate myself. I want to be able to give the people I care for everything. The deserve that.

So a little kink in the bedroom, some local events and some boards is about as much as I ever see getting at this point. Still and all, it's a pretty damned wonderful life. I'm not complaining. I've made my choices and I'm happy with the ones I made.

 

[unregistered]

 

[FurryFury]

Enjoy the journey with your husband. Our exploration was some of the most frequent, longest, greatest sex ever in our relationship.

*happy sigh*

Yes, like most of you, I think my husband may be kinkier than he realizes. And, it is going to be fun learning together. I do know more than him, largely due to the time I've spent on this site. I don't think he'll ever be capable of being a Dom. But, some role play, more kink, some D/s play...I think this is very much in our future. And, who knows, this may be all I need.

Playing outside the relationship ocurred to me and even seemed like a very real possibility recently. I'm glad it didn't work out because I'm learning with my husband.

Still, it's hard to not imagine being totally submissive to a capable, experienced Dom. I'll have to meet this need by reading on this site.

Thanks for sharing your experiences!

 

[Hanon435]

what is PYL/pyl ?

and what's topping from the bottom?

 

[CutieMouse]

what is PYL/pyl ?

and what's topping from the bottom?

PYL - Pick Your Label (Top/Dominant/Master/Etc)

pyl - pick your label (bottom/submissive/slave/etc)

Topping from the bottom is when the submissive is manipulating the dominant to get what he/she (the submissive) wants.

 

[FurryFury]

what is PYL/pyl ?

and what's topping from the bottom?

Pyl means pick your label. When capitalized it means, Top, Dom/me, Master, and so on.

When not capitalized it means, bottom, sub, slave and so on.

Topping from the bottom often means a pyl has been trying to get thier PYL to do things the way the pyl wants and in a manipulative manner.

Which should not be confused with actually, honestly, and respectfully communicating with your PYL.

It is also sometimes used to accuse and frighten a pyl at times, often when it's not applicable. At least that's my personal experience.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Your husband seems to be happy to explore this, which is great. As he learns what you can handle/gain pleasure from and what he can enjoy himself, I think you're right in believing he'll gain more confidence and move into bondage and other stuff. Men are raised to respect women and treat them like they're made of spun glass so for a guy to trust himself to be rough and forceful with a woman, while he's getting his animalistic rocks off, is no small thing. Many guys find it hard to believe that a woman can really enjoy being dominated, humiliated and treated roughly until they pluck up the courage to do exactly that. There is also the knowledge that a serious error of judgement could have far reaching consequences as far as the sub's safety and the couple's trust and openness are concerned.

Now that your man has seen first hand how much kinky sex gets you off, it's likely that he'll be open to explore it a bit further. This may never become more than kinky play that he engages in primarily because you love it - rather than because he really wants it himself. You may be pleasantly surprised though, once he has gained confidence and skill, how much he enjoys calling the shots and being dominant.

It's great that you're enjoying your journey.

 

[unregistered]

 

[subxboi]

I top from the bottom when I'm with someone else of a sub nature, typically. <3 Or sometimes I will if I'm playing with a dom who likes an aggressive or feisty plaything. =P

 

[FurryFury]

See you are not topping from the bottom because your husband isn't officially at top or anything. What you are doing is exploring together with you as the one with ideas. That's also called communicating.

Now if you had a Dom and you manipulated him into doing exactly what you wanted, who would be in control? That's where topping from the bottom comes in.

Hmmm, I didn't realize "topping from the bottom" meant manipulating. What I'm doing is subtle and suggestive, but still honest and respectful. I'm not pushing him as much as encouraging him. And, we're talking baby steps here. Which is good for both of us, by the way.

Velvet, I think your response is spot-on. Men are taught to treat us very delicately, and don't get me wrong, I like that, too. But, it doesn't always have to be that way. He seems to be really responding to my responses (if that makes any sense).

 

[Sir Victor]

Yes, like most of you, I think my husband may be kinkier than he realizes. And, it is going to be fun learning together. I do know more than him, largely due to the time I've spent on this site. I don't think he'll ever be capable of being a Dom. But, some role play, more kink, some D/s play...I think this is very much in our future. And, who knows, this may be all I need.

Playing outside the relationship ocurred to me and even seemed like a very real possibility recently. I'm glad it didn't work out because I'm learning with my husband.

Still, it's hard to not imagine being totally submissive to a capable, experienced Dom. I'll have to meet this need by reading on this site.

Thanks for sharing your experiences!

Most men are goal oriented, one being to make you climax, long, hard, perhaps the best you've had, so if you tell him something to try and he sees the effect there is a good chance he will continue with it. I think you've noticed this and also that there is the concept of men being taught to be gentle with women to get them over. I don't think what you are doing is so much topping from the bottom as it is exploring, letting him know what you like, and learning together.

 

[FurryFury]

None of that is what I'd call topping from the bottom either but I may be a bit hung up on the whole issue.

If you are with another sub, you can't really be topping from the bottom.

If you are with a Dom that likes you to be all smart assed and all, again that's a consensual thing and not really a underhanded thing per se.

BTW, manipulation isn't always a bad word. It can be very useful and healthy IMO. It just depends on how it is used.

I top from the bottom when I'm with someone else of a sub nature, typically. <3 Or sometimes I will if I'm playing with a dom who likes an aggressive or feisty plaything. =P

 

[VelvetDarkness]

See you are not topping from the bottom because your husband isn't officially at top or anything. What you are doing is exploring together with you as the one with ideas. That's also called communicating.

Quoted for truth.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking that communicating what you want and need is TFTB. Furnishing your husband with information is not manipulative because otherwise he's flying blind and less likely to gain confidence with kinky sex and dominance. At this early stage, frank communication is vital. What he does with the information you provide remains his prerogative. It goes against the grain for many subs and can feel self defeating but I can assure you it will pay dividends once you and your husband have learned and grown together to the point where he is confident about kinky sex and what you need and enjoy.