A question for lesbians with children

[InesBS]

Hi to you all -

I'm fairly new here, although I've been lurking for some times now.
I have a question - a serious one.
I have a wonderful 12 yo daughter, her father and I are seperated (and it was awful, and I still have nightmares about it) and I'm currently having a serious relationship with a woman 10 years older than me. We're thinking about moving together, but I'm wondering about the consequences on my daughter.
Do you currently lead an all women life with children?
Do you have accounts of all-women families raising kids?
Do you kids miss the proverbial "father-figure"?

 

[castagnus]

Hi to you all -

I'm fairly new here, although I've been lurking for some times now.
I have a question - a serious one.
I have a wonderful 12 yo daughter, her father and I are seperated (and it was awful, and I still have nightmares about it) and I'm currently having a serious relationship with a woman 10 years older than me. We're thinking about moving together, but I'm wondering about the consequences on my daughter.
Do you currently lead an all women life with children?
Do you have accounts of all-women families raising kids?
Do you kids miss the proverbial "father-figure"?

During last summer's holidays, when my son was with his mother, a bi lady I had been dating and her girl friend stayed with me for a while. They both had children and although we managed to have a few intimate moments without the children being aware, this was difficult. We considered setting up a small commune on a large tract of land I own, and building three homes - one for each parent and offspring. We never pursued this because we ended our relationship a few months ago. But it is still a tantalizing idea- and has been known to provide both the father's and mother's influence that are so necessary for a child's upbringing.

Discuss such an arrangement with your lover - and if she might want to look imto this, why not advertise on the Literotica personal board.

 

[Etoile]

There are lots of lesbian parenting books. Children don't suffer from lack of a male parent despite what the right-wing Focus on the Family folks would have you believe. I don't have kids myself, but if you search for lesbian parenting on Amazon you will find lots of helpful books. Check out Google too, there are lots of communities online for lesbian moms.

 

[lydiajkay]

I am a bisexual mom. I have four children. One lives with his father, the other three live with me. My husband died years ago when my oldest daughter was only 4 years old. They seemed to be fine. I do put male role models in their life. This is mainly for my son who prior to moving to another state, he used to hang out with. I don't think it really matters too much. As long as you are doing what you need to do. There are children who grow up in single parent household all the time. You don't need to be married or dating a guy for your children to have a male influence. I am sure your daughter has a male teacher or an uncle that she sees as far as men are concerned. I lived with my grandmother, mother, sister. Sometimes my uncle lived there with my grandmother. My parents divorced when I was an infant. It happens. I had my uncles as male influences or teachers that I saw everyday. Being a part of the heterosexual community does not guarantee that your child will have his/her father or mother around. I swear i would be really thrilled once this fundamentalist community realize that.

 

[kingkhan1]

I wouldn't worry too much about your kids not having a male figure in the household. I think lydiajkay got it right. But, I did not have a father around and sometimes found it difficult to connect with men older with men, I do find myself distrusting them and I think that might have to do with not having a father around. My bisexuality could also be a result of not having a father around too but, I don't know.

 

[Etoile]

playwithlezli and kbate are moms too, perhaps they'll chime in.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I have been

living with my girl for the past three months and before that, I resided with my ex g/f...for almost 2 years. My children do have the involvement of their father as well as other male relatives. My son (who just turned 18 and is far too shy to come to lit where mommy might find him) says that it isn't any different living with two moms, matter of fact, the cooking is better (though he hates being the only *real* boy in the house LOL).

To be honest, it was hard at first, learning the proper way to negotiate without a *man* to keep the kids in line. Luckily for me, my kids (who seemed to hate my dykishness with a passion) and I learned together what we could and could NOT handle concerning my s/o's. There are no tried and true rules because, no matter the family grouping, no matter the sexes of the people involved, in the end a child needs love, goals, nurturing and freedom to express themselves honestly. The nuclear family does not have to be man/woman to provide those things.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents...hope it helps.

 

[playwithlezli]

My kids grew up with me as a single mom, a married mom, an abused mom, a business mom, and a gay mom (quite possibly they would through in goofy mom or a few others too!)....but the whole time, they heard the message that as long as they were decent people, doing their best and treating other folks well, then they were doing ok. I think we need to worry less about male/female role models and provide decent human models.

I have always used inclusive language when talking to my sons, ie: when you have your first girlfriend or boyfriend, whichever you chose. In fact, I went so far as to avoid saying good girl or good boy and said good kid, or some other gender-neutral pronoun. I really wish we had gender neutral pronouns in everyday life. Etoile, didn't you used to have a link to some?

Anyways, like luna said, being a mom is about leading your child to his or her own greatness, and dealing with adversity is part of the process. If you are worried that your child will be teased, well, they are going to get teased about something. If you were white, would you refuse to marry a person of colour because your kids might get teased?

But good on ya for thinking about things.

 

[playwithlezli]

I wouldn't worry too much about your kids not having a male figure in the household. I think lydiajkay got it right. But, I did not have a father around and sometimes found it difficult to connect with men older with men, I do find myself distrusting them and I think that might have to do with not having a father around. My bisexuality could also be a result of not having a father around too but, I don't know.

Then again, having my father around may have turned me into a lesbian.....

 

[InesBS]

Thank you all for your insightful and meaningful answers.
As lydiajkay said, "As long as you are doing what you need to do".
I'm not sure. The woman I'm in love with isn't eager to start a... "family", and although I love her a lot, I can't imagine my life without my daughter.
It's a though question. I'm not fearing her becoming a lesbian, I fear more her being unhappy, no matter what her choices are. And I want to offer her all the possible options.

Besides, as Luna said, I don't want her to hate me because I'm a lesbian. I want her to love me as her mother, no matter what my lifestyle choices are.

Being a parent is so difficult sometimes.

Again, thanks to all who took some of their time to answer

 

[kbate]

Hi,

Your daughter will not suffer - other than the usual separation anxiety when removed from her father.

My children (two, by artificial insemination (one from each partner)), are bright, happy and so far (they are only 2 and 1) appear to be perfectly normal.

I am "Mummy" and my partner is "Mommy" - although either term works for either of us. My daughter uses vocal inflection to indicate which of us she wishes to address, something she developed on her own.

They do not lack for "male influence" as we have friends, a brother and other people in our lives. Being lesbian does not make us hermits or shut-ins.

We of course have some concerns about schooling and how they will relate to their peers, but that can be solved when the time is on us. Honesty and truth usually work best and are our normal policy.

Your daughter is 12 - she should be aware already of homosexuality and hopefully has no prejudices to overcome.

Good luck.

Sorry I can't be of more help, my children are much younger and have never known a father.

 

[playwithlezli]

So, homosexual parents in a blended relationship. Do you have a defined role? Are you called step-parent? Do you operate as a step-parent but without a title? Or do you think you are not a step-parent because you are same sex? Or do you stay away from parenting all together and just live in the same house?

If you are called step-parent, when and how did that evolve? How long did you live together before it was considered "valid" or "real".

How did you introduce yourself at school or sporting functions?

Do you think you would have handled things differently if you were in a hetro relationship?

Sorry for the million questions, but I am curious as to how others handle this as it is a source of endless conflict in our house.

 

[seamanstains]

I would think that lesbians would make great parents gay males have children living with them why not lesbians hetro couples do not have sex in front of their children so what is the difference.

just go for it.

 

[Wolfman1982]

People I agree with what the lovely lesbians have said in this thread. But couldn´t you PLEASE write heterosexual the correct way ? since it is pronounced whether you like it or not he te ro and is spelled the same way. Even in Danish it is spelled he te ro. So please do not misspell it.

 

[seamanstains]

People I agree with what the lovely lesbians have said in this thread. But couldn´t you PLEASE write heterosexual the correct way ? since it is pronounced whether you like it or not he te ro and is spelled the same way. Even in Danish it is spelled he te ro. So please do not misspell it.

What am l missing here,are you acusing me of being a bad speller just because l shorted a word,straight seemed too sexist.

if you are in denmark then l hope you are under a roof-fall of snow sometime sooooon

 

[Julie_in_the_north]

Despite the extent to which society and attitudes have changed, and the extent of support and advice now available, it still feels a very fraught area.

I grew up and entered my twenties always assuming I would have children. I've always wanted them. But since then I have, at some length, made the journey to realising that I'm a lesbian, and that my life partner will be a woman. Specifically, my current partner. We have been discussing our future together a great deal recently, and more or less decided that we will have a civil partnership (we're in the UK), probably next year. I know deep down that I'd love to marry her.

So where does this leave children? I'm thirty now, and Ruth, is about the same age. I'd need to get a move on soon. We know we would like to have children together, in theory, and have even made a few tentative enquiries into how we'd go about it, and find a sperm donor. But it does feel to us a complex and difficult decision to take. For a start, we both want to be pregnant, and bear a child, at some stage in our lives. So how do we decide who does it, or do we take turns - which is making an awful lot of assumptions.

Despite the fact I'm in a same-sex relationship, and the joys it's brought us, I retain some uncomfortable, niggling concerns about us having a family. Does a child really not need a man around? How will we all fit into society at large - will their friends and other mums accept us and the child, the latter's interests being, of course, by far the more important. And the fact will always remain that only one of us will actually be each child's true biological parent.

I'd love a baby, and I have no worries about our joint parenting ability (although we'll have to stop smoking first!) but we both have to be confident about so many variables. I can't help feeling that bringing a child into the world is not something you should do purely for self-satisfaction - a kind of hobby. It's the entire life of a human being in your hands.

I hope this doesn't sound derogatory to other lesbian parents - that really isn't my intention whatsoever. My point is rather - I am very torn over what's the right thing for me, us, and my individual conscience.

 

[Wolfman1982]

if you are in denmark then l hope you are under a roof-fall of snow sometime sooooon

Thanks, I love you too. Didn´t you read, that I agreed with EVERYTHING that the lesbians said in this thread ?