the selfish dilemma

[Anne_Prospere]

being the kind of person who wants my Master to have all that he desires, how do i deal with a situation where he says he's been selfish?

strangely, i take offense to this statement. I want his desires fulfilled, so to me, it negates the whole premise of selfishness in a lot of situations.

I may feel a certain way, feel taken advantage of maybe? but I'm conflicted, because i do not want him to feel guilt for having his needs met. (im lacking the word for the emotional response to selfishness)

 

[intothewoods]

All you can do is validate his feelings. It's kind of up to him to let it go or not.

 

[twysted73]

Well...

Perhaps he enjoys the guilt?
Maybe he wants that inner termoil. Being a recovering Catholic myself I know there are times I want both. I want to feel the rush of guilt as I forge ahead and enjoy what I want anyway.

Then again, it may just be his conditioning from before you and all he needs is continued indulgance for him to reconfigure his ideas and comfortability levels.

Him saying "I'm being selfish." translates (in fem-speak) to "I want this. I don't want you to stop me if I do this. I don't want to be judged because I'm already putting myself through my own guilt just to enjoy this. So don't compound it. Accept it. Even better....encourage it in me and maybe I can overcome this mental conditioning of mine with you as my loving, adoring assistant."

My 2.

 

[mrbigshot99]

okey that is a real thinker

 

[catalina_francisco]

All I can really offer is perhaps not concentrate so much on the words and extending that to a right or wrong situation. F is selfish in some ways, generous in others, and sometimes the reverse on both on a different day...sometimes he acknowledges these things about himself, other times he doesn't or flat out denies them..,it varies. He is the PYL so it sort of goes without saying for me he has this choice. Doesn't necessarily come with a measure of whether it is right or wrong. I OTOH can and do feel taken for granted or taken advantage of at times, though often if I put it in the bigger picture I soon feel stupid for feeling that way...I often also feel spoiled. I don't bother struggling with feeling I should suppress my feelings anymore seeing it as more important what I do with them.

I am human, I have bad days, sometimes I feel things which don't go with the porn perfect image of a slave, but suppressing feelings usually leads to more trouble than good...does it mean I am not a slave? Not unless I choose to make it that way by refusing to do as he wishes or serve him in the ways he requires. Doesn't mean I do it at all times with an insipid smile on my dial...lol, often quite the opposite, but I strive to do it regardless, cursing inwardly or all subservient lightness and perfect devotion...we are all human, and we do have our own personalities for which our PYL/pyl's in part choose to be with us, and us with them, and not someone else.

Catalina

 

[Anne_Prospere]

Well...

Perhaps he enjoys the guilt?
Maybe he wants that inner termoil. Being a recovering Catholic myself I know there are times I want both. I want to feel the rush of guilt as I forge ahead and enjoy what I want anyway.

Then again, it may just be his conditioning from before you and all he needs is continued indulgance for him to reconfigure his ideas and comfortability levels.

Him saying "I'm being selfish." translates (in fem-speak) to "I want this. I don't want you to stop me if I do this. I don't want to be judged because I'm already putting myself through my own guilt just to enjoy this. So don't compound it. Accept it. Even better....encourage it in me and maybe I can overcome this mental conditioning of mine with you as my loving, adoring assistant."

My 2.

this is so true.

its tough because it hurts sometimes to be that assistant.

but this is spot on.

 

[Anne_Prospere]

All you can do is validate his feelings. It's kind of up to him to let it go or not.

yeah i feel you on this, leave the emotional ball in his court so to speak

 

[Anne_Prospere]

All I can really offer is perhaps not concentrate so much on the words and extending that to a right or wrong situation. F is selfish in some ways, generous in others, and sometimes the reverse on both on a different day...sometimes he acknowledges these things about himself, other times he doesn't or flat out denies them..,it varies. He is the PYL so it sort of goes without saying for me he has this choice. Doesn't necessarily come with a measure of whether it is right or wrong. I OTOH can and do feel taken for granted or taken advantage of at times, though often if I put it in the bigger picture I soon feel stupid for feeling that way...I often also feel spoiled. I don't bother struggling with feeling I should suppress my feelings anymore seeing it as more important what I do with them.

I am human, I have bad days, sometimes I feel things which don't go with the porn perfect image of a slave, but suppressing feelings usually leads to more trouble than good...does it mean I am not a slave? Not unless I choose to make it that way by refusing to do as he wishes or serve him in the ways he requires. Doesn't mean I do it at all times with an insipid smile on my dial...lol, often quite the opposite, but I strive to do it regardless, cursing inwardly or all subservient lightness and perfect devotion...we are all human, and we do have our own personalities for which our PYL/pyl's in part choose to be with us, and us with them, and not someone else.

Catalina

i'm very introverted when it comes to dealing with hurt feelings.. im getting better. good advice*

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Master is often selfish but he is not unappreciative, which I think is a different thing. He has pushed me to the extremes of my tolerance and physical ability in the interest of getting something that he wants. He does recognise when he is doing that though and all it ever really takes is a kind word or reward to make any feelings of being taken for granted evaporate. Because we're TPE there is no concept of fairness or quid pro quo in our relationship. I exist for his use and that's all there is to it.

Sometimes though, tasks aren't really about the tasks. Master has pushed me to do certain things in order to exert his authority and remind me of my place. He has done it to see whether I will obey willingly or try to negotiate concessions. Your guy may have been selfish lately just to see whether he can and establish how far he can push you before you start to complain. I can understand why he could have feelings of selfishness and guilt if it's something he hasn't tried with you before. His statement could be to the effect of 'I know you've been putting yourself out and I've been demanding but I'm acknowledging it. You just have to trust that I have a gameplan and a purpose with this.' He may also have said it to see if you responded by telling him it's his right to do as he wishes or saying 'Yeah, you've been a total pig lately and I feel so unappreciated! I expect lots of praise and rewards.'

Of course, I'm only guessing.

 

[YourCaptor]

being the kind of person who wants my Master to have all that he desires, how do i deal with a situation where he says he's been selfish?

strangely, i take offense to this statement. I want his desires fulfilled, so to me, it negates the whole premise of selfishness in a lot of situations.

I may feel a certain way, feel taken advantage of maybe? but I'm conflicted, because i do not want him to feel guilt for having his needs met. (im lacking the word for the emotional response to selfishness)

Well, maybe he was selfish, a sub requires care too you know.

For example

Master: damn this food is good, give me your plate
Sub: yes sir
Master: -looks a starving sub withering away- oh crap

Thats an odd example, but you get my meaning?

Plus, if he feels selfish and wants to change that, should you not support it with the interest of meeting all his needs.

 

[Anne_Prospere]

Well, maybe he was selfish, a sub requires care too you know.

For example

Master: damn this food is good, give me your plate
Sub: yes sir
Master: -looks a starving sub withering away- oh crap

Thats an odd example, but you get my meaning?

Plus, if he feels selfish and wants to change that, should you not support it with the interest of meeting all his needs.

-_-

dag, complicated.

 

[Anne_Prospere]

Well, maybe he was selfish, a sub requires care too you know.

For example

Master: damn this food is good, give me your plate
Sub: yes sir
Master: -looks a starving sub withering away- oh crap

Thats an odd example, but you get my meaning?

Plus, if he feels selfish and wants to change that, should you not support it with the interest of meeting all his needs.

its all very confusing.
this is true too*

 

[Daddyslilpet]

being the kind of person who wants my Master to have all that he desires, how do i deal with a situation where he says he's been selfish?

strangely, i take offense to this statement. I want his desires fulfilled, so to me, it negates the whole premise of selfishness in a lot of situations.

I may feel a certain way, feel taken advantage of maybe? but I'm conflicted, because i do not want him to feel guilt for having his needs met. (im lacking the word for the emotional response to selfishness)

Have you tried talking to him and telling him you don't feel like he's being selfish? Of course only if that's the way you feel. You do mention you sort of feel taken advantage of, maybe the place to start is to give him some ideas on how to correct that problem then you will both feel better. Of course this should be done respectfully and not during a scene situation. Open and honest communication is the only way the two of you will work this out.

Try requesting a sit down and talk without retribution session and see how it goes. I think you'll be amazed at the outcome as long as you remember to keep accusations out of it and keep your tone respectful. Best of luck to you! I hope some of this helps, take it for what it is which is just my opinions and nothing more.

 

[satindesire]

If he's not really harming you in a cruel way, honey, let him be selfish and just nod and smile.

 

[Chicklet]

being the kind of person who wants my Master to have all that he desires, how do i deal with a situation where he says he's been selfish?

strangely, i take offense to this statement. I want his desires fulfilled, so to me, it negates the whole premise of selfishness in a lot of situations.

I may feel a certain way, feel taken advantage of maybe? but I'm conflicted, because i do not want him to feel guilt for having his needs met. (im lacking the word for the emotional response to selfishness)

This is exactly the same situation that I find myself in sometimes.

My man was brought up to do the opposite of what both of us desire for our relationship - he has to deal with the guilt of letting me give him everything he wants and desires even if it's not something I want. I completely understand his point of view on it.

The way I battle this is to perform each task for him as enthusiastically and without complaint as possible, and to attempt to anticipate the things he wants and desires without him having to specifically ask me.

Does that make sense? I think it helps him if he can see the pleasure I get out of doing something for him, or 'allowing' him something that he wants but feels guilty asking for.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

This is exactly the same situation that I find myself in sometimes.

My man was brought up to do the opposite of what both of us desire for our relationship - he has to deal with the guilt of letting me give him everything he wants and desires even if it's not something I want. I completely understand his point of view on it.

The way I battle this is to perform each task for him as enthusiastically and without complaint as possible, and to attempt to anticipate the things he wants and desires without him having to specifically ask me.

Does that make sense? I think it helps him if he can see the pleasure I get out of doing something for him, or 'allowing' him something that he wants but feels guilty asking for.

This is a really good post. Very insightful.

 

[Homburg]

I have a hard time with this too. And an even harder time articulating it. It is almost impossible, if not impossible, for me to discuss my own selfishness, both because I don't really understand it in a meaningful way, and because what I do understand, I feel guilty about.

There are times when I take. It's just that simple. When I take, and I feel like I have taken too much and given too little, I feel selfish. It is possible to take and give all appearance of selfish taking, and still feel like your bottom's needs have been met, even if in a roundabout way. But sometimes you just don't feel like you did.

I'm probably not expressing this well.

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is exactly the same situation that I find myself in sometimes.

My man was brought up to do the opposite of what both of us desire for our relationship - he has to deal with the guilt of letting me give him everything he wants and desires even if it's not something I want. I completely understand his point of view on it.

The way I battle this is to perform each task for him as enthusiastically and without complaint as possible, and to attempt to anticipate the things he wants and desires without him having to specifically ask me.

Does that make sense? I think it helps him if he can see the pleasure I get out of doing something for him, or 'allowing' him something that he wants but feels guilty asking for.

I think for many this is a stage most go through. I know F did, but as time passed and he realised it was not a problem in my head and heart, he felt more comfortable with and entitled to what it was he desired and demanded. In a way it set him free to indulge himself and me at the same time without all the agonizing and questioning and wondering where it was all going to end up. We still don't have the answer to where it will end up, but we also don't spend the time we used to wondering about it.

Catalina

 

[rida]

.....

 

[Anne_Prospere]

If he's not really harming you in a cruel way, honey, let him be selfish and just nod and smile.

well it definitely hurt.
it hurt a lot, but in the same vein, id rather be hurt than have him..pander to my feelings like that. i dont know. I'd have been offended if he hadnt taken what he wanted in order to spare my feelings. Maybe not offended so much as really uncomfortable and guilty myself.

 

[Anne_Prospere]

I have a hard time with this too. And an even harder time articulating it. It is almost impossible, if not impossible, for me to discuss my own selfishness, both because I don't really understand it in a meaningful way, and because what I do understand, I feel guilty about.

There are times when I take. It's just that simple. When I take, and I feel like I have taken too much and given too little, I feel selfish. It is possible to take and give all appearance of selfish taking, and still feel like your bottom's needs have been met, even if in a roundabout way. But sometimes you just don't feel like you did.

I'm probably not expressing this well.

I hear what youre saying about the take, when your subs want to give and give, it can start to make you feel bad because theres a point where you could feel like youre taking advantage of their submission.. something like that?

I'm not a no kind of girl, I'm a cheerleading yes girl all of the way.
so, i think that in a situation where he knows he's going to hurt me, and i go along anyway he feels guilty.

i think, im only speculating here.

in my situation twysted's rundown hit closest to home.

 

[Marquis]

I hope I'm not stifling the discussion here by making my own comments, but...

My feelings on this are pretty simple. I do sometimes struggle with asking for all I want, but occasionally I also find myself in a situation where my desire to protect my property and preserve long term interests outweigh my momentary impulses.

It's not my selfishness that concerns me, but my shortsightedness.

You know I'm all about the long scratch, baby.

 

[MasterSnatch]

The above post sums it up pretty good in my view, also to be perfectly blunt if someone feels selfish and admits so at least it goes to show how much they really do care about you.

That’s a fact some tend to not realize too much.

 

[madetotakeit]

I think so much of our drive as a submissive is made up of the need to please the other person that our view of what is selfish is skewed in comparison. Being the outlet for desires and wants is in our core. That need can have the possibility of overriding what is best for us and that is why we choose carefully who we put our trust in. Once we have taken the step to trust it opens a different way of thinking. Whereas he may stop because of concern, for us it can be a denial of being who we are, an opportunity to show devotion or just to please momentarily taken away. While the intentions for doing so may be the best, it can cause an internal dilemma.