How do you like to hurt?

[Recidiva]

Thanks, theme of the weekend. Needed to hear this right about...now.

You're welcome.

I'll be here all week. Try the solipsism.

 

[Recidiva]

Oh, man. Thank you so much for saying this. I'm sorta caught up in the middle or sorting through a ton of emotion and figuring out what to do with it. This breakdown, well, I see a lot of myself in what you've written. Someday I hope to reach the point you're at. For now I'm just working through it all at my own pace and it's really wonderful to see the light as it were. Thank you for your words and the inspiration they impart.

You're welcome.

For me it's a bit like quitting an addiction. I was raised by a mother who had a pristinely cleaned house but was a codependent martyr about it. It took me forever to figure out that work and kindness and love should be free, not linked to a complicated emotional bookkeeping system of favors and payback. It's not the work or love I needed to give up, it was expecting to be paid for it I had to give up.

First I was a slob because I didn't want to be "like her" - then I figured out I was tossing out the baby with the bathwater. Except I was allergic to the bathwater. I had to get over all my reflexive reactions to things and all my built up emotion.

I had to say "no" to thinking a thought I had become addicted to in my youth, like being injected with a destructive emotion without knowing what I was getting into.

To genuinely give, to genuinely fix things, to genuinely care, can be a very lonely place. But the best part is that getting to that place meant I became better company to myself. This was good, because I was a raging, judgmental vicious bitch (and still can be, that's not gone. It just doesn't last as long because I've got stuff to do instead of fuming.) It's nicer in my own head now. Over years I take on more things to do. Say each year I take care of some huge issue: Care for my health (for me it meant getting over a fear of doctors), become fiscally responsible (stop impulsive spending, stop spending more because I resent having to be the one that does the shopping) - stuff like that. I give myself huge chunks of time to get things accomplished and all I ask of myself is that I try a little every day.

Over the last few years doing a little every day, I've gotten the house cleaned and maintained, my health testing and treatment effective and up to date, bank balance and credit report handled.

I'd done a lot of damage in a lifetime, it took years and will take years more to tweak this all into health and happiness. But I'm a LOT healthier, I'm not frozen by wondering where to start, and I'm generally happier. I've told my daughter several times that it's better to look around at a clean house and feel vaguely upset about things (brain chemistry that I can't fix) - rather than end up in a huge destructive depression because everything's fucked up and I can't do anything about it. I know I can do something about it.

I don't have to LIKE doing all this stuff, but I have rehabilitated my attitude about responsibility and how "everyone should help me and understand." Well, they don't. They're not going to. That's pretty much what I have to accept.

I'm not to where I can treat condemnation and praise as the same thing, exactly, but I'm getting to where I don't need praise, and condemnation is kinda funny.

Just like an addiction, thinking things would be nicer and easier if I just went back to blaming people...it still happens. But it doesn't happen as much because I'd much rather be who I am and sorta alone in it, than going back to having lots of company being depressed, helpless and miserable. I had to give up complaining. I had to give up blaming. Oddly enough, that cuts out a lot of social conversation opportunities. I am not a good friend by modern standards. I will tell someone miserable to stand up and get to work, and then they look at me as if I had slapped them, and flee the room. I have very little else to give that I think will be useful information.

In a way, not only is pain sorta meaningless, love's sorta meaningless. I can make it, give it away, and not keep score. My capacity for love and pain are not in question, and I can always make more of either. There's no real reason to put a price on that wellspring. I'll settle for "priceless" on both and not try to barter, but to spend wisely.

Giving up the bookkeeping system makes means people owe me less, but I'm not spending all day counting. And what I do freely gain by my own work (clean house, steady paycheck, empty mind at the end of the day where I can rest, good food, steady solid example and schedule for my kids) is more than enough to keep me doing it while I can, and take on more if possible.

I hope you get through this stronger than you started.

 

[Recidiva]

Just wanted to thank ADR for starting such a wonderful thread, and to all the posters for their insightful words on pain, relationships and forgiveness.
And a special thanks to Recidiva for not only putting my brain in words, but also to show me what I had forgotten. There is still a lot of growing and improving to do on my part, a lot of understanding and acceptance.
Thank you all!

I would have never thought about considering some of the patterns in my relationships as being emotional masochism ... and yet, there is some undeniable truth to it. Even in my marriage, there are many things that probably looks as such from an external perspective. But to me, they are just things that I have accepted, because there is an overall strive to improve, to learn and there is indeed a progress.

If I am going to be brutally honest with myself, the reality is that it makes me also feel good and superior in a way. And as hard as it is to admit, there is probably a sort of martyr/saint complex that plays a role in both the emotional masochism and my overall submissiveness.

Off to think some more ...

My pleasure. It really does help to redefine questions. In particular it helps to look at what you're really getting out of doing what you're doing in your life.

A lot of what I had to get through was to see that I wasn't being or doing who I was for other people, I was doing misguided things for myself.

I don't think I qualify for anything except enlightened self interest. In the end I'm cleaning because I want a clean house and any thought I or anyone else had on the subject that didn't contribute to a cleaner house, was a useless thought. I wasn't getting anywhere with "But, my daughter should clean, and she should care, and she should be good at it!"

Well...she doesn't. She won't. She isn't.

Best I can do is set an example and hope she picks up some pointers. Otherwise I have to stop worrying about what she can or won't do based on her performance, and if I gotta, do it myself.

My mom was the martyr "I love you all so much, I work so hard! You guys don't care, you're bad people! It's only me who cares!" I started out that way because I didn't know any other way.

Honestly I don't think there are many people who do know any other way. It's ingrained in social interactions.

I had to make a distinction between social and personal values.

I can go to the store and hand them a check and get food. That's a clear exchange. Get into love and pain and all this stuff with messed up exchange rates, it gets ugly.

I had to label it "priceless" and go from there.

However, being a wellspring of priceless doesn't suck. And taking the price tag off of other people's actions, helped me see how little I was valuing them. The really awful part was seeing how low I had valued myself. Oops.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't think I qualify for anything except enlightened self interest. In the end I'm cleaning because I want a clean house and any thought I or anyone else had on the subject that didn't contribute to a cleaner house, was a useless thought. I wasn't getting anywhere with "But, my daughter should clean, and she should care, and she should be good at it!"

Well...she doesn't. She won't. She isn't.

This resonates with a lot of conversations I find myself in over the past few months from well meaning people questioning why I do as much as I do. Their theory is I do too much and I shouldn't feel I have to and just leave it undone....I explain to them I would prefer to have it done than to waste energy griping about why the other person didn't do it and still not getting anywhere and have to live with the outcome and still likely have to be the one to step in and get it done...it isn't like I am incorrectly assuming the magic fairy won't come along and take up the slack, I already know because I have tested it out and also am not dealing with a standard situation which might at some point provide a different outcome. Unfortunately they are not getting it so I just don't respond anymore to questions about why I feel I should do the things I do.

Catalina

 

[Recidiva]

This resonates with a lot of conversations I find myself in over the past few months from well meaning people questioning why I do as much as I do. Their theory is I do too much and I shouldn't feel I have to and just leave it undone....I explain to them I would prefer to have it done than to waste energy griping about why the other person didn't do it and still not getting anywhere and have to live with the outcome and still likely have to be the one to step in and get it done...it isn't like I am incorrectly assuming the magic fairy won't come along and take up the slack, I already know because I have tested it out and also am not dealing with a standard situation which might at some point provide a different outcome. Unfortunately they are not getting it so I just don't respond anymore to questions about why I feel I should do the things I do.

Catalina

Yes, for me I went through several years where I just failed to pass through this wall of fire.

I observed that I had a cycle: I'd get inspired (house must be clean! Lawn must be mowed!), I'd get angry that the people around me aren't helping (or even more insidiously, they do a bad job, they don't match my expectations or "care" enough), I'd decide to stop trying so I wouldn't be angry at the people I loved, I'd get depressed, things would go to hell again.

A few of these cycles later, I realized I was resenting them and I had to do something to free myself from that resentment. "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die" - a quote I heard that gave me a light bulb moment.

I had to see that I was relying on their approval of me and me needing praise from them in order to get through my day. It's not that they didn't approve of a clean house - they didn't approve of me expecting them to contribute. They couldn't make an agreement and stick with it. They'd forget, they'd fail, and I'd have a broken contract. I'd link my self worth with whether or not someone's willing to do the dishes for me every day. If someone won't do the dishes for me, I'm not worth...man, I'm not worth much, am I? And at the end of the day I didn't like myself because I was so needy and incapable of getting things done. I was resenting myself too.

Now I choose to be inspired, love the people around me anyway, because I'm flawed also and they love me despite my flaws too, and do what I can do in a day. I had a conversation with my family where I said "I'm leaving you guys behind in a way. I'm going to go forward whether you come with me or not. I can't have certain conversations with you any more. I can't buy into certain ideas any more. I'm going to change. Whether or not it's okay with you, I'm going forward."

Fortunately I know I'm doing enough in a day now, I don't have any more guilt or resentment. Giving up blame and resentment so I can also be free of guilt and squalor...good deal. More work, but definitely a good deal.

I accept I have too much of a burden on myself. I have migraines. My son is autistic. None of it is fair. It's my choice to compensate for the unfairness by saying "Yes, it's unfair. Life isn't fair. I've given up on the idea of "fair" and I'll settle for working my ass off and being proud of myself at the end of the day."

Trying to keep life "fair" means you end up with a zero sum. I want more for myself, I'm going to go get it/do it/make it.

As I progress I realize all the things others do for me. All the things my family gives to me freely that I was putting a price tag on. Now I can give freely and get freely. I noticed somewhere I had thought that they didn't give me anything. It wasn't true. They were giving me things I couldn't provide for myself. Hugs, smiles, thanks, problems, solutions. Above all, a chance to love, to be needed, to have a purpose. To have meaning.

When I really passed through that wall of fire and thought "That's it. Life's going to be bleak from here on in. It's going to be horrible, I'm never going to get what I wa-"

And then my husband makes me laugh or my daughter does the dishes for me because she noticed I was tired, or my son picks up a rock while he's out for a walk and says he thought it was pretty and it made him think of me.

Well...that doesn't suck.

Yes, it makes me socially naive, well mannered, a dupe, a drone, a sheeple...

Fortunately I can still shred people verbally. I haven't given up on harsh speech. Maybe in a few years...not there yet.

I was able to make this change and be happy in it, because I really truly did luck out. My family in their own way came with me. However - like any other addiction - say you love someone because you have something in common - drinking. Say for your own good you want to give up drinking.

You have to choose to do that for yourself, because yes, the relationship might entirely collapse and that's awful. But you still have to have the courage and insight to know it's the right thing to do, and then stick with it.

Sometimes a relationship you have with yourself or a relationship you have with someone else needs to collapse before it can take new shape. It's absolutely terrifying. And the new shape it might take could be awful. I don't think things can be awful permanently any more though. Not if I keep changing and doing the next right thing.

This is why I have to be with someone who recognizes and wants positive gain, who isn't just diving for the lowest common denominator and clinging to it because it's easy.

I choose what's important for myself in a day. I write all those things down on a list every day. I get all those things done, and if I don't, I do them later or forgive myself for not doing them. Everything important gets done on time. Everything on that list is important to me.

Enlightened self interest.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I accept I have too much of a burden on myself. I have migraines. My son is autistic. None of it is fair. It's my choice to compensate for the unfairness by saying "Yes, it's unfair. Life isn't fair. I've given up on the idea of "fair" and I'll settle for working my ass off and being proud of myself at the end of the day."

Trying to keep life "fair" means you end up with a zero sum. I want more for myself, I'm going to go get it/do it/make it.

I had forgotten we have this in common, as well as the migraines though mine are more hormonal these days I think. Having an autistic child makes it doubly stupid to sit back and dig my heels in and pout if things don't get done by him or others...it is so much easier and less stressful to just do it and leave the future open to those occasional nice surprises when I find something has been done already.

Catalina

 

[Recidiva]

I had forgotten we have this in common, as well as the migraines though mine are more hormonal these days I think. Having an autistic child makes it doubly stupid to sit back and dig my heels in and pout if things don't get done by him or others...it is so much easier and less stressful to just do it and leave the future open to those occasional nice surprises when I find something has been done already.

Catalina

I call autism a blessing in disguise. It's just a really good disguise. My son has taught me a lot about how things that I always thought were absolutes - not so much. He gave me the gift of unconditional love. Or at least a map. I did have to follow it, since all the other normal, absolute paths were blocked off. This was the only way I could get to him. It was entirely worth it.

 

[A Desert Rose]

A lot of things have been posted here that really make sense in my life.

I've spent a couple of years thinking that nothng really matters, so why bother? Subsequently, everything around me went to hell. Unless it's something like fixing the toliet, it just remained in disrepair.

I know people are going to take advantage of me. I know it going in. I think that knowing before it happens, is almost a self fulfilling prophecy. But I don't do anything to stop it. On the other hand, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. It's a risk I take, on purpose. If I don't take the risk, I might miss out on meeting that one person in 9...

There's nothing in life that has to do with "fair". Fair isn't part of life. Enough said on that.


You folks are great and smart and shiny, blingy jewels! I'm richer for knowing all of you, even if only here and in text.

 

[intothewoods]

This is indeed a great thread.

I'm still learning so many of these lessons. With my ex, I told myself, okay, he's not going to pick up his shoes or whatever. I just need to do it myself and get over it. So I did the first part. I didn't realize how much resentment I was carrying towards him until some other man showed interest in me and asked me a few questions. Suddenly it was like the floodgates were opened! And then he did this, and that, and I was alone in the hospital room and blah blah blah.

The thing is, it was all manageable until I couldn't do everything, for health reasons. And that scared the shit out of me. I mean, as a healthy person, the control freak in me could say, what the hell, I'll just do the dishes. But what about when you confront something that's bigger than you, bigger than the both of you? I wanted that 'safe place to fall' (I forget who coined that expression) and it wasn't there.

That's where I struggle. And I know it's why I'm so strongly attracted to Mister Man. Great example - this crazy ass thing happened to me recently and I told my ex and he said, wow, yeah, that sucks. I told Mister Man and he said, I'll kill him (random dude who did the crazy ass thing). Of course, my ex is my ex, but even if we were together he'd say the same thing - I feel bad for you. Whereas Mister Man says, I want to protect you.

Both are just sentiments. I mean, Mister Man couldn't really do anything after-the-fact. But I think I need that secure base to let the little things, like the dishes, go. Or will I end up thinking of something else to resent him for? How does one say I will not resent you, and mean it?

I had that mother too, Recidiva. And I can already sense it when it comes up. What, kidlet? You "don't like" the organic zuchini that I spend twice as much on and sprinkled with local parmesan? Jesus, but I did this for you! I do it all for you!

I didn't say any of this, of course, nor did I have those exact thoughts, but I did recognize the feeling, know what I mean? Life is too short for resentment, and I want to have more babies and a family and embrace it all consciously, know what I mean? Like yeah, some days the house might not get clean and my husband will piss me off, but it's okay, really okay.

I don't know, forgive the rambling, people. I've just done so much self-examination in the past year and it's exhausting. It's empowering, and it's exhausting, all at the same time. Sometimes I wish I were "over it" already. And to bring it back to the original topic ('cause I'm cool like that, yo ), that kind of hurt - the hurt of rejection and indifference - is the worst kind to me, and one that can't be forced out of you, even by a 10 cane whalloping. You can't let that go until you're ready. But wow do I love that analogy of resentment -- like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die. So true - waiting and waiting for eternity. Letting it go is a tough one for me, but I do sense that I've come a long way, at least.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I call autism a blessing in disguise. It's just a really good disguise. My son has taught me a lot about how things that I always thought were absolutes - not so much. He gave me the gift of unconditional love. Or at least a map. I did have to follow it, since all the other normal, absolute paths were blocked off. This was the only way I could get to him. It was entirely worth it.

This is sort of how I approached my son throughout his life even though we did not get the diagnosis of Asperger's until a couple of years ago. Sadly, the workers we have to work with most often are more obsessed with trying to make him 'normal' or at least appear to be by jumping through their hoops and it creates a lot of problems including at the moment blocking him from taking the big step he wants to and which the original worker (he is on leave for burn out unfortunately) and I only dared dream of before. I am so frustrated but not about to give up and am working around them and hopefully will at some point find other workers who do not just read text books and not know how to connect facts to reality. It hurts when I forget to think rationally and get caught up in their ways...it feels better when I hear from other agencies that I am not off track and these 2 actually have a bad reputation with all in the care industry. Apologies to ADR for going so off topic

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

This is sort of how I approached my son throughout his life even though we did not get the diagnosis of Asperger's until a couple of years ago. Sadly, the workers we have to work with most often are more obsessed with trying to make him 'normal' or at least appear to be by jumping through their hoops and it creates a lot of problems including at the moment blocking him from taking the big step he wants to and which the original worker (he is on leave for burn out unfortunately) and I only dared dream of before. I am so frustrated but not about to give up and am working around them and hopefully will at some point find other workers who do not just read text books and not know how to connect facts to reality. It hurts when I forget to think rationally and get caught up in their ways...it feels better when I hear from other agencies that I am not off track and these 2 actually have a bad reputation with all in the care industry. Apologies to ADR for going so off topic

Catalina

No apologies needed. ;-) It's these little windows into the lives of other people that make us all realize (or should) that we are all more than text on a screen. The sum of our lives is greater than just this tiny corner of the web.

Bye!




But I'll be back... so be afraid, be verrrry afraid. ;-)

 

[Recidiva]

This is indeed a great thread.

I'm still learning so many of these lessons. With my ex, I told myself, okay, he's not going to pick up his shoes or whatever. I just need to do it myself and get over it. So I did the first part. I didn't realize how much resentment I was carrying towards him until some other man showed interest in me and asked me a few questions. Suddenly it was like the floodgates were opened! And then he did this, and that, and I was alone in the hospital room and blah blah blah.

The thing is, it was all manageable until I couldn't do everything, for health reasons. And that scared the shit out of me. I mean, as a healthy person, the control freak in me could say, what the hell, I'll just do the dishes. But what about when you confront something that's bigger than you, bigger than the both of you? I wanted that 'safe place to fall' (I forget who coined that expression) and it wasn't there.

That's where I struggle. And I know it's why I'm so strongly attracted to Mister Man. Great example - this crazy ass thing happened to me recently and I told my ex and he said, wow, yeah, that sucks. I told Mister Man and he said, I'll kill him (random dude who did the crazy ass thing). Of course, my ex is my ex, but even if we were together he'd say the same thing - I feel bad for you. Whereas Mister Man says, I want to protect you.

Both are just sentiments. I mean, Mister Man couldn't really do anything after-the-fact. But I think I need that secure base to let the little things, like the dishes, go. Or will I end up thinking of something else to resent him for? How does one say I will not resent you, and mean it?

I had that mother too, Recidiva. And I can already sense it when it comes up. What, kidlet? You "don't like" the organic zuchini that I spend twice as much on and sprinkled with local parmesan? Jesus, but I did this for you! I do it all for you!

I didn't say any of this, of course, nor did I have those exact thoughts, but I did recognize the feeling, know what I mean? Life is too short for resentment, and I want to have more babies and a family and embrace it all consciously, know what I mean? Like yeah, some days the house might not get clean and my husband will piss me off, but it's okay, really okay.

I don't know, forgive the rambling, people. I've just done so much self-examination in the past year and it's exhausting. It's empowering, and it's exhausting, all at the same time. Sometimes I wish I were "over it" already. And to bring it back to the original topic ('cause I'm cool like that, yo ), that kind of hurt - the hurt of rejection and indifference - is the worst kind to me, and one that can't be forced out of you, even by a 10 cane whalloping. You can't let that go until you're ready. But wow do I love that analogy of resentment -- like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die. So true - waiting and waiting for eternity. Letting it go is a tough one for me, but I do sense that I've come a long way, at least.

I completely get this.

I just went shopping and I'm trying to balance everyone's needs and problems and desires. I did notice a while back that we have a decent budget, but everyone wants everything. What did I used to do? I crossed off all the stuff I want for myself on the list... Everyone's happy, right? Nobody's missing anything? Except me. Now everyone makes a little bit of a sacrifice here and there, and that's okay. Everybody also has a little bit of fun, that's also okay. Video games, junk food, movies, (internet...cough), are all okay. As long as you get your work done.

I think you have to get used to being empowered and exhausted. Then get to bed on time and wake up again. One day I did wake up and think "Holy crap. I did everything. There's nothing more to do..." There's a vertigo to that moment and I had to deal with actually saying "Okay, I'm done with the huge projects, now I just have to maintain." I had discomfort with the work of maintaining when it wasn't a crusading "PROJECT" - different gear. More coasting. No medals. Just going uphill every day. No theme music. Lame.

Even worse, I had no idea what "fun" would be...hm.

That's partly why I write down everything that needs to be done, or I'll spend all day dusting a table as a bit of dust lands. I have to decide "Dust table once a week. Get over it." I'm eventually happy with the table dusted once a week (or more accepting. Sure I'd like it to be perfect every moment. But I had to get over that idea too. Life's no more perfect than it is fair.) Someone else wants it dusted more often, here's the supplies. Enjoy.

Used to be that as I passed through the house, I used to cringe and avoid looking in certain dark corners. Later as I took on more responsibilty I'd stop every two inches and fix everything and forget why I was moving through the house (I thought I was going to get a drink...?) Now I can go get a drink, and there's no scary dark corners, and any trouble spot's on my list somewhere, I'll get to it.

As for someone wanting to care for and protect you, that's why I'm with who I am with now. The best idea he ever gave me - "I love you. No matter what." He's always in that spot. I can always find him. If I get lost, he will always find me, and that'll be what he has to say. Miracle.

Okay, his way of paying bills is "Hey, the lights just went out, time to pay the electricity bill." (Not exaggerating, I pay the bills now.) But he tries to make me happy, he tries to love me. That's pretty cool.

 

[Recidiva]

This is sort of how I approached my son throughout his life even though we did not get the diagnosis of Asperger's until a couple of years ago. Sadly, the workers we have to work with most often are more obsessed with trying to make him 'normal' or at least appear to be by jumping through their hoops and it creates a lot of problems including at the moment blocking him from taking the big step he wants to and which the original worker (he is on leave for burn out unfortunately) and I only dared dream of before. I am so frustrated but not about to give up and am working around them and hopefully will at some point find other workers who do not just read text books and not know how to connect facts to reality. It hurts when I forget to think rationally and get caught up in their ways...it feels better when I hear from other agencies that I am not off track and these 2 actually have a bad reputation with all in the care industry. Apologies to ADR for going so off topic

Catalina

I gave up on school systems entirely for a good while. I homeschooled him for several years because I thought he was just being marginalized and put in physical danger. Nobody seemed to get him at all. I'm lucky, he's progressing. He's in a decent program and now dealing with the normal things normal kids deal with. "People are mean to me." But I had to do things my way. Which again meant that before he was diagnosed, I was a pushover because he "just needed more discipline."

No. He didn't. That only made it worse. *lightbulb*

 

[Recidiva]

No apologies needed. ;-) It's these little windows into the lives of other people that make us all realize (or should) that we are all more than text on a screen. The sum of our lives is greater than just this tiny corner of the web.

Bye!




But I'll be back... so be afraid, be verrrry afraid. ;-)

Thank you nice lady.

 

[intothewoods]

I think you have to get used to being empowered and exhausted. Then get to bed on time and wake up again. One day I did wake up and think "Holy crap. I did everything. There's nothing more to do..." There's a vertigo to that moment and I had to deal with actually saying "Okay, I'm done with the huge projects, now I just have to maintain." I had discomfort with the work of maintaining when it wasn't a crusading "PROJECT" - different gear. More coasting. No medals. Just going uphill every day. No theme music. Lame.

Oh my god, I remember thinking about this. Will I feel weird when I'm not the person "getting a divorce" anymore? I feel like I'll be okay, but there is definitely something to this. And yes, I love to do lists.

As for someone wanting to care for and protect you, that's why I'm with who I am with now. The best idea he ever gave me - "I love you. No matter what." He's always in that spot. I can always find him. If I get lost, he will always find me, and that'll be what he has to say. Miracle.

Okay, his way of paying bills is "Hey, the lights just went out, time to pay the electricity bill." (Not exaggerating, I pay the bills now.) But he tries to make me happy, he tries to love me. That's pretty cool.

That is very cool.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Yes. It brings me back to what Dickens would've called the best of times and the worst of times. And I miss it like crazy.

The first thing I thought when I read this thread was "how many people claiming to hate emotional pain are romance junkies with long histories of exciting, chemical, high-low relationships behind them?"

 

[Primalex]

Like I said, I've had him on ignore and only read the quote. If he's mellowed recently and rejoined the human race then I missed it.

It's funny how others are able to ignore my posts without putting me on ignore (even without the desire to express this to everyone), while you fail to ignore my posts (or the quoted parts of them) all the time and need to comment them even though you (pretend to) have me on ignore.

If you continue this, people will think you've fallen in love with me.

 

[intothewoods]

It's funny how others are able to ignore my posts without putting me on ignore (even without the desire to express this to everyone), while you fail to ignore my posts (or the quoted parts of them) all the time and need to comment them even though you (pretend to) have me on ignore.

If you continue this, people will think you've fallen in love with me.

I always confuse you with YourCaptor. I think both of you have made posts that have annoyed me, but I can't remember which one posted what so I tend to forget it easily.

Pardon the sharing. Please feel free to ignore me.

 

[BiBunny]

I always confuse you with YourCaptor. I think both of you have made posts that have annoyed me, but I can't remember which one posted what so I tend to forget it easily.

Pardon the sharing. Please feel free to ignore me.

I do that, too.

 

[FurryFury]

The first thing I thought when I read this thread was "how many people claiming to hate emotional pain are romance junkies with long histories of exciting, chemical, high-low relationships behind them?"

I've had one of those but then I broke the cycle. Yaaaaay!

At one time I wondered if I needed all the drama and those swings. I now know I don't.

 

[A Desert Rose]

This is indeed a great thread.

I'm still learning so many of these lessons. With my ex, I told myself, okay, he's not going to pick up his shoes or whatever. I just need to do it myself and get over it. So I did the first part. I didn't realize how much resentment I was carrying towards him until some other man showed interest in me and asked me a few questions. Suddenly it was like the floodgates were opened! And then he did this, and that, and I was alone in the hospital room and blah blah blah.

The thing is, it was all manageable until I couldn't do everything, for health reasons. And that scared the shit out of me. I mean, as a healthy person, the control freak in me could say, what the hell, I'll just do the dishes. But what about when you confront something that's bigger than you, bigger than the both of you? I wanted that 'safe place to fall' (I forget who coined that expression) and it wasn't there.

That's where I struggle. And I know it's why I'm so strongly attracted to Mister Man. Great example - this crazy ass thing happened to me recently and I told my ex and he said, wow, yeah, that sucks. I told Mister Man and he said, I'll kill him (random dude who did the crazy ass thing). Of course, my ex is my ex, but even if we were together he'd say the same thing - I feel bad for you. Whereas Mister Man says, I want to protect you.

Both are just sentiments. I mean, Mister Man couldn't really do anything after-the-fact. But I think I need that secure base to let the little things, like the dishes, go. Or will I end up thinking of something else to resent him for? How does one say I will not resent you, and mean it?

I had that mother too, Recidiva. And I can already sense it when it comes up. What, kidlet? You "don't like" the organic zuchini that I spend twice as much on and sprinkled with local parmesan? Jesus, but I did this for you! I do it all for you!

I didn't say any of this, of course, nor did I have those exact thoughts, but I did recognize the feeling, know what I mean? Life is too short for resentment, and I want to have more babies and a family and embrace it all consciously, know what I mean? Like yeah, some days the house might not get clean and my husband will piss me off, but it's okay, really okay.

I don't know, forgive the rambling, people. I've just done so much self-examination in the past year and it's exhausting. It's empowering, and it's exhausting, all at the same time. Sometimes I wish I were "over it" already. And to bring it back to the original topic ('cause I'm cool like that, yo ), that kind of hurt - the hurt of rejection and indifference - is the worst kind to me, and one that can't be forced out of you, even by a 10 cane whalloping. You can't let that go until you're ready. But wow do I love that analogy of resentment -- like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die. So true - waiting and waiting for eternity. Letting it go is a tough one for me, but I do sense that I've come a long way, at least.

Okay, I'm back before I thought I'd be but that's all for the better. ;-)

As a hijack: that part I highlighted reminds me of my own kids. LOL I try really hard to not be the kind of mom who makes my kids feel guilty but I will show them I'm dismayed. Case in point: I make EXCELLENT spaghetti sauce. I"m not bragging. (It's a fact ;-) lol Indulge me this because I rarely brag. Mostly I'm an award winning whiner.)

And my kids will both but Tabasco sauce on it!!!! In front of me!!! Can you imagine that?

 

[Netzach]

Okay, I'm back before I thought I'd be but that's all for the better. ;-)

As a hijack: that part I highlighted reminds me of my own kids. LOL I try really hard to not be the kind of mom who makes my kids feel guilty but I will show them I'm dismayed. Case in point: I make EXCELLENT spaghetti sauce. I"m not bragging. (It's a fact ;-) lol Indulge me this because I rarely brag. Mostly I'm an award winning whiner.)

And my kids will both but Tabasco sauce on it!!!! In front of me!!! Can you imagine that?

That's weird. Maybe make Arabbiata and they won't do that. But maybe they will anyway.

 

[Recidiva]

Okay, I'm back before I thought I'd be but that's all for the better. ;-)

As a hijack: that part I highlighted reminds me of my own kids. LOL I try really hard to not be the kind of mom who makes my kids feel guilty but I will show them I'm dismayed. Case in point: I make EXCELLENT spaghetti sauce. I"m not bragging. (It's a fact ;-) lol Indulge me this because I rarely brag. Mostly I'm an award winning whiner.)

And my kids will both but Tabasco sauce on it!!!! In front of me!!! Can you imagine that?

It's funny, I'm a really good amateur cook. My son's autistic and only likes white food. Everything with any level of spice or fresh ingredient is an abomination.

He thinks I'm a horrible cook. Awful. Everything I make, he takes a bite, grimaces, and says "That's horrible mom. You're a horrible cook. Really."

He will now eat a handful of carrot shreds every day though, by Goddess. I make sure of it. That's a big deal. Took me years to get there. "Honey, there are some things we have to do in a day that we don't want to do, but we have to do. One healthy meal with actual vegetables is the price for living under this roof. *glare*"

 

[zyzyg]

I love the physical pain and crave humiliation from my overseer. Emotional pain however is not something my overseer has ever caused me. I'm not talking about the day to day ups and downs of living but I have been Mia's since I was 8 and she 10 and we've managed 42 years by ALWAYS recognizing the fact that there is a bond of love and connection neither of us would break.

 

[FurryFury]

I love the physical pain and crave humiliation from my overseer. Emotional pain however is not something my overseer has ever caused me. I'm not talking about the day to day ups and downs of living but I have been Mia's since I was 8 and she 10 and we've managed 42 years by ALWAYS recognizing the fact that there is a bond of love and connection neither of us would break.

Wow. Y'all started mighty young.