Patience -- where did it go?

[Cathleen]

I'm losing my patience and it's not a slow event. I joke that I ought to have all the patience in the world because I don't use much but this isn't fun.

I'm usually a fairly patience person, especially with strangers oddly enough (actually not too oddly, IMHO). With my family I'm trigger happy. I have two particular siblings that truly are difficult to deal with almost all the time. Even seeing their number on my caller ID makes me tighten up get ready for battle kind of thing.

I have to admit just thinking of them right now has my insides gearing up. There have been times I actually pray for patience while talking -- no listening -- to them. They and their lives are the primary topic and honestly I don't want to share much of my stuff with them (assuming they inquire), for one thing those inquiries come after a long dissertation and I'm so whirled up in impatience I just want to get off the phone/leave the room before I blow.

I have set boundaries with them on some issues and really stick to them 90% of the time. An example is I won't listen to them verbally abuse themselves, eg., "I'm a jerk/asshole/crappy parent/etc". Also, I don't let them bitch to me about their kids. Now the kids thing is because I don't want to hear it -- in my idealistic 'Auntie' world they can do no wrong -- I tell the parent to bitch to someone else, I just don't want to hear it. The verbal abuse is just awful to do to ourselves (and too easy) so I shut it down asap. Those are two hard boundaries.

The problem is everything else just makes me want to smack 'em! I have no patience, none, zip and I don't know how to reign myself in. I want to be left alone which, of course, is totally unrealistic. I'm not the family doctor/shrink/mediator and I will NOT keep 'secrets' - the kind like "Don't tell X I told you but..." if that's the case I don't want to know the 'secret'. (I'm quite trustworthy but those bs kind of things make me nuts, they're unhealthy and someone will let the info slip by accident and then it's Mount Vesuvius.)

So, after all that and if you're still awake, would you please share your thoughts about using patience, thank you.

Being a hermit sounds pretty good sometimes.

 

[done_got_old]

I have patience only when it comes to children and people over 80.

I can't give you any advice because it's not there to give.

 

[Cathleen]

I have patience only when it comes to children and people over 80.

I can't give you any advice because it's not there to give.

Should we form a group? Maybe a twelve step thing, or rather two step:

1. Ring, ring of the telephone.

2. Boom AK47 to shut 'em up.

 

[Quoll]

No Answer Yet!



*FUMES*​

 

[bobsgirl]

Well, you know I am your sister in arms about this. We must both be in an acute phase of STFUAGA. (Shut the Fuck Up and Go Away!) I have absolutely zippo patience when it comes to drama queens/kings, stupidity, and select family members.

When it gets really bad, I get very surly with the one who has the bad luck to live here. Let's be honest -- he's a pretty good target. My only solution is to isolate myself. Also a lot of loud piano playing.

Remember, we talked about becoming hermit neighbors in the mountains? I still think it's worth considering.

 

[luvitlong]

i know what you mean , i used to have loads of patience, having 3 kids, working with the public most of my working life i felt i could put up with anything and listen to rambling with a broad smile on my face.
but in the last year i just cannot be bothered anymore ,things seem to get on my nerves quicker. waitring in queues i find my self muttering under my breath.
litening to older family members tell me the same story for the 50th time now makes me want to pull my hair out and screem please shut up.

i have put this down to the fact that my kids are now all grown up, and i dont need to have patience any more. this is my time now , or maybe im just getting old

 

[Cathleen]

No Answer Yet!



*FUMES*​

I don't think you're looking hard enough, damnitall. I swear if I find my patience Down Under I'm going freak on you.​

Well, you know I am your sister in arms about this. We must both be in an acute phase of STFUAGA. (Shut the Fuck Up and Go Away!) I have absolutely zippo patience when it comes to drama queens/kings, stupidity, and select family members.

When it gets really bad, I get very surly with the one who has the bad luck to live here. Let's be honest -- he's a pretty good target. My only solution is to isolate myself. Also a lot of loud piano playing.

Remember, we talked about becoming hermit neighbors in the mountains? I still think it's worth considering.

Yeah, you've been absolutely no help except to keep me laughing and sorta sane. Thankyouverymuch!

i know what you mean , i used to have loads of patience, having 3 kids, working with the public most of my working life i felt i could put up with anything and listen to rambling with a broad smile on my face.
but in the last year i just cannot be bothered anymore ,things seem to get on my nerves quicker. waitring in queues i find my self muttering under my breath.
litening to older family members tell me the same story for the 50th time now makes me want to pull my hair out and screem please shut up.

i have put this down to the fact that my kids are now all grown up, and i dont need to have patience any more. this is my time now , or maybe im just getting old

Welcome to Lit, luvitlong and don't tick off that bg chick, she's a toughie.

I agree with wanting to pull my hair out and scream like mad but I don't think bald would be beautiful on me.

I'm starting to think this is yet another phase of life. It just keeps getting more exciting all the time, more do to at the carnival of life.

edit: luvitlong, sorry, I miss interpreted your 'join date' when I noticed your post count.

 

[Quoll]

Remember, we talked about becoming hermit neighbors in the mountains? I still think it's worth considering.

Now that has possibilities.

http://s15.divshare.com/files/2008/03/03/3942066/Hermit.jpg​

 

[Guest]

Nobody can trip our triggers like family. For most of us, even if we try to disassociate ourselves from the drama, there's that residual guilt ("They're family, so I really should...") that can trip us up every time.

Sounds to me (wild-ass guess, so take it for what it's worth) that you're worn down, because you've been hearing the same shit over and over and over for year after year after year... and it doesn't seem like anything's going to change.

Hence, your lack of patience with a no-win situation. Seems rational to me, unless you're really into being a martyr.

Here's a thought: you've already set a few ground rules (good for you!) so why not set a few more? For instance, you might tell them that you're really, really stressed (although not about what!) and that you'll be glad to talk with them about the good things in their lives, but not the bad--'cause it does bad things to you.

That way, if they insist on going on and on about their frustrations and crises, you can end the conversation easily, because you've already established the ground rules and they're breaking them. You can even ask them if they're so selfish that they would do something that would hurt you just because of their own frustrations.



You'll stay in touch with your family, but you'll listen on your terms, not theirs--and no one can legitimately accuse you of being selfish.

If that particular idea won't work, keep the principle: define the limits of how you're willing to interact with them.

Just my 1/50 USD.

Good luck!

 

[Cathleen]

Now that has possibilities.

http://s15.divshare.com/files/2008/03/03/3942066/Hermit.jpg​

No vacancy -- at first I was thinking hey, there's got to be room for bg and I but then (lightbulb) NO VACANCY! YES! But I think there's room in a cabin or two for special friends.

Qman, you're a sweetheart.

 

[Cathleen]

GnomeDePlume, I think your name is one of the best I've ever seen.

Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts and taking the time to share them. You're right I'm worn down. There are illnesses involved and there is where I feel the obligatory help (for too long at the expense of my own health).

I was new to boundaries but once I got the hang of it things got better. I think you're quite right about setting a few more. I can see where I can tighten a few that I've already made and a few places that need attention.

I've noticed some inappropriate reaction/behavior regarding a decision I made that I truly am doing out of 'daughter duty'. Once I made the decision I felt relieved only because I had made a decision - finally. Now I need to stop stalling and get it done. It's going to be difficult and stir up a lot of stuff but I've made plans on how I can alleviate some of the stress and contain some of the stress-ors.

Thanks for the help.

 

[Quoll]

No vacancy -- at first I was thinking hey, there's got to be room for bg and I but then (lightbulb) NO VACANCY! YES! But I think there's room in a cabin or two for special friends.

Qman, you're a sweetheart.

Oh Miss Cate you duffer, you're reading the sign from the outside looking in, we wouldn't be on that side of the fence. <---- not in the least bit sarcastic.

 

[Guest]

GnomeDePlume, I think your name is one of the best I've ever seen.

Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts and taking the time to share them. You're right I'm worn down. There are illnesses involved and there is where I feel the obligatory help (for too long at the expense of my own health).

I was new to boundaries but once I got the hang of it things got better. I think you're quite right about setting a few more. I can see where I can tighten a few that I've already made and a few places that need attention.

I've noticed some inappropriate reaction/behavior regarding a decision I made that I truly am doing out of 'daughter duty'. Once I made the decision I felt relieved only because I had made a decision - finally. Now I need to stop stalling and get it done. It's going to be difficult and stir up a lot of stuff but I've made plans on how I can alleviate some of the stress and contain some of the stress-ors.

Thanks for the help.

I''m glad you found it helpful. Hope all goes well for you.

 

[emptynester]

You're right I'm worn down. There are illnesses involved and there is where I feel the obligatory help (for too long at the expense of my own health).

I've noticed some inappropriate reaction/behavior regarding a decision I made that I truly am doing out of 'daughter duty'.

but I've made plans on how I can alleviate some of the stress and contain some of the stress-ors.

And therein lies your problem. Life has a way of wearing us down. Doing things out of "duty" can also add to the pain. However, making plans to alleviate the stress and contain the stress-ors is a step in the right direction.

I've spent the last 20+ years being the peacekeeper, supermom, dutiful daughter, conflict resolution activist and family therapist. I had the patience of Job (for those of you not familiar with him, he praised God when the devil decided to test Job's real faith and trust of God) for many many years. I prided myself on being able to handle anything life threw my way.

My children grew up, moved out and life was moving along very nicely for this emptynester. Then I think I must have gotten a little cocky or Satan decided to make me his next victim.

I won't go into all the details that have taken away what little bit of patience I had left but after many visits to the Dr. trying with no success to bring down my blood pressure, I finally came to the conclusion I can't do it anymore.

It is time for those I have helped out over the years to be patient with me. After all, I am 50 now. That is old to my children so it is time they take care of me. If they have problems, pay a therapist. After all, I was probably an over protective mother and didn't allow them to learn those tough lessons of life on their own.

It is time they know my patience has run out. I can't be perfect for them anymore. Life isn't fair and I have always told them that. So deal with it.

I am walking it off, taking my time out when I need it and closing the door behind me when I need to get away. I dare them to enter. They know my patience has run out. They fear what lies behind that closed door.

Try it Cathleen. Loose it just once and your life will change for the better.

Now my kids say, don't bother mom, she is already stressed. My mom will come by the office just to tell me she is not going to worry me with her problems since she knows I have had a stressful day.

The only worry I have now is that they will successfully have me committed. Then I remember I am still supporting them all and they need me right now. LOL

I don't think becoming a hermit would appeal to me although I think I could get along well with you and BG. Personally I am having more fun making them all think they are partially to blame for my insanity.

Actually Cathleen, losing your patience isn't really so bad. I stopped looking for mine and suddenly things seem to be looking up a bit.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

i'm with you on this one - i am like you on this subject. I have absolutally no patience with my siblings. They come over for dinner - and i refuse to sit in there and eat with them. When i do - i get an ear full on everything i do wrong in the world or how their life is OH SO much better..its tedius and annoying - so i just avoid them.

 

[Cathleen]

Emptynester, I love your advice! I don't often do the duty thing but this one is could likely be the last time I see them. Which in itself just raises the stress level.

About six years ago I found myself in the hospital five times in five months and came out with a list of diseases/conditions and a bag full of drugs (luckily came out).

It wasn't a coincidence that I had spent the previous twenty years helping take care for family members and when there was a bit of blue in the sky I saw it from a hospital bed. Not tough to figure out why, huh?

Like AgonySceneGirl said not inviting them over really helps! I am on the right track co-existing with "these people" and caller ID has become a favorite invention. ; )

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.

btw, empty, you would fit Right in with bg and I -- and there are bunches of others here that'd be welcome to our 'camp', individual cabins for all!

 

[emptynester]

btw, empty, you would fit Right in with bg and I -- and there are bunches of others here that'd be welcome to our 'camp', individual cabins for all!

Hey, now that sounds kinda nice. Maybe we should all choose somewhere in the middle and meet up for a weekend retreat. Like you said Cathleen, cabins for everyone.

I could definitely use a little R&R. Just went through getting youngest son through minor surgery now hubby goes in Friday for outpatient surgery. At least that is what we are hoping for.

A cabin on the lake with a fireplace and heated spa. No phones, no need for caller ID and no bugs or snakes. That's not too much to ask, right?