Female Public Autoarousal - What's the Problem?

[dr_mabeuse]

Working on a story about a sexually liberated woman who nonetheless has trouble touching herself or masturbating in front of her lover, though it turns him on tremendously and he begs her to do so. It raised some questions as to the nature of her problem.

It's an issue that appears to be fairly common: men seem to have no compunction about doing all sorts of stunts with their dicks in front of all and sundry, while women feel much more inhibited in touching themselves in front of their lovers, let alone anyone else. I assume most of it is cultural conditioning, but at least one woman told me once that she'd always thought that autostimulation during sex was a kind of insult to her lover, an implication that he wasn't doing a good enough job.

As far as I know, most men would love to see their lovers feel free and uninhibited enough to play with themselves as the spirit moves them. They take it as a sign that the lover is stimulated past the point of all inhibition. The woman, though, seems to find it shameful or in some sense demeaning--unladylike for lack of a better word. Or maybe it's just that a woman's sense of sexual excitement is not as genitally-focused as a man's.

Any comments or observations, stories or anecdotes, suggestions of what I should do with my half-baked thread ideas?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I assume most of it is cultural conditioning, but at least one woman told me once that she'd always thought that autostimulation during sex was a kind of insult to her lover, an implication that he wasn't doing a good enough job.

That's a good reason, and would be an excellent plot point.

The woman, though, seems to find it shameful or in some sense demeaning--unladylike for lack of a better word.

This is often the case, and if there is one thing that my stories propagandise against, it's that very thing.

Or maybe it's just that a woman's sense of sexual excitement is not as genitally-focused as a man's.

This is not as often the case as most women think.

Good story idea, Doc!

 

[Guest]

Even after being together for so long there is an element of shyness that I always must overcome before I am comfortable with this. His urging me on helps, of course.

And I will say that the look on his face while he watches me is in itself very arousing.

Um, let me think on this a bit and then get back to you?

 

[neonlyte]

Working on a story about a sexually liberated woman who nonetheless has trouble touching herself or masturbating in front of her lover, though it turns him on tremendously and he begs her to do so. It raised some questions as to the nature of her problem.

It's an issue that appears to be fairly common: men seem to have no compunction about doing all sorts of stunts with their dicks in front of all and sundry, while women feel much more inhibited in touching themselves in front of their lovers, let alone anyone else. I assume most of it is cultural conditioning, but at least one woman told me once that she'd always thought that autostimulation during sex was a kind of insult to her lover, an implication that he wasn't doing a good enough job.

As far as I know, most men would love to see their lovers feel free and uninhibited enough to play with themselves as the spirit moves them. They take it as a sign that the lover is stimulated past the point of all inhibition. The woman, though, seems to find it shameful or in some sense demeaning--unladylike for lack of a better word. Or maybe it's just that a woman's sense of sexual excitement is not as genitally-focused as a man's.

Any comments or observations, stories or anecdotes, suggestions of what I should do with my half-baked thread ideas?

It's a toss up.

Frank discussion... but only if your protag is called Frank, or fake it.

Sorry too much wine. Seriously.

Give them twin beds... he hears rustling, and asks, "Are you masturbating?"

That works for me.

 

[impressive]

Have her do it either under the covers or behind some sort of screen first -- with her lover unable to actually see what's going on. Let the other senses in on the game first, then work toward the visual.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

I've got the same issue with this as SSS... shyness, embarrassment... but it feels like more than that, too...

I often can't concentrate if he's watching me... and I know he's watching... it somehow becomes an act for him instead of a moment of self-pleasure.

It's better if I close my eyes and pretend he's not there... which is difficult at first... but gets easier as I get more aroused and lost in sensation and fantasy...

But if he steps in and I'm jolted out of it... ugh. Make up your mind.. do you want to watch me have sex with myself or do you want to have sex with me? Because there's a big difference...

I don't know if that helped.

 

[scheherazade_79]

It's one of those things that you avoid doing for ages and ages, because you're too shy. Then you do it one day, and it scares the crap out of you for the first few seconds - until you notice the expression on your lover's face as they watch. After that it becomes addictive.

At least that's how it was for me

Why the initial avoidance? Dunnow... Social norms and expectations. Somehow masturbation is more acceptable for men than women. Not many women admit to it, let alone do it in front of other people. When you cross that boundary, though, there's no turning back.

 

[Guest]

Because it is the quintessential bad girl thing to do. They get that WTF look on their faces...



Maharat

 

[Vermilion]

I don't get it...
I have never had a problem with this Even my first boyf got to see me and I can't orgasm during sex unless I join in manually, so <shrugs> I never even considered they might be offended. Ah well

sorry... just thought I'd add my two pence worth, though I realise it was of absolute zero use to you
x
v

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

An interesting question. I don't really have a problem doing it in front of a lover, but I prefer doing it alone because it's MY thing. It's something I've done since I was a young girl, an art I've perfected for myself to please MYSELF alone, and I just don't dig on having someone else involved. For me, it's a selfish thing. It's something that is all mine.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Are men naturally more exhibitionistic than women? Naturally more visual? Is there something about the "fireworks show" aspect of the male orgasm that prompts men to want to show off more?

On another thread we were talking about the psychological consequences of a man's have his equipment on the outside while a woman's is on the "inside", Could this make it kind of more natural for a man to start swinging it around while for a woman it involves uncovering or revealing herself?

You know, I can put myself into a very shy mindset if I think of masturbating in front of other men. In front of women, it's no problem, though, and there even is a pretty infantile sense of pride: Look what I can do!

Let me ask this then: Are women especially turned on by the sight of a man masturbating while he's making love to them? While he's going down on them or kissing them, say?

 

[Guest]

Are men naturally more exhibitionistic than women? Naturally more visual? Is there something about the "fireworks show" aspect of the male orgasm that prompts men to want to show off more?

On another thread we were talking about the psychological consequences of a man's have his equipment on the outside while a woman's is on the "inside", Could this make it kind of more natural for a man to start swinging it around while for a woman it involves uncovering or revealing herself?

You know, I can put myself into a very shy mindset if I think of masturbating in front of other men. In front of women, it's no problem, though, and there even is a pretty infantile sense of pride: Look what I can do!

Let me ask this then: Are women especially turned on by the sight of a man masturbating while he's making love to them? While he's going down on them or kissing them, say?

I'm not certain. That almost seems as if he isn't paying as much attention to me as he ought to be.

I do love to watch, if he's willing to put on a show for me, however. Big hands stroking hard cock? Concentration, sweat, aroused noises?

YUM.

 

[impressive]

Let me ask this then: Are women especially turned on by the sight of a man masturbating while he's making love to them? While he's going down on them or kissing them, say?

This one is. BIG TIME.

 

[angelicminx]

I've got the same issue with this as SSS... shyness, embarrassment... but it feels like more than that, too...

I often can't concentrate if he's watching me... and I know he's watching... it somehow becomes an act for him instead of a moment of self-pleasure.

It's better if I close my eyes and pretend he's not there... which is difficult at first... but gets easier as I get more aroused and lost in sensation and fantasy...

But if he steps in and I'm jolted out of it... ugh. Make up your mind.. do you want to watch me have sex with myself or do you want to have sex with me? Because there's a big difference...

I don't know if that helped.

Yep, I have that problem too.

 

[Boxlicker101]

I think men are more exhbitionist than women. You certainly hear and read more about male flashers than female.

As for women playing with themselves during sex, I often read descriptions of woman playing with their nipples while being eaten. I also see videotapes or read about women playing with their clits during fucking, especially when using doggy or anal

 

[Boxlicker101]

Stupid double post!

 

[cloudy]

I don't get it...I have never had a problem with this

Me neither.

This one is. BIG TIME.

word.

 

[NorCalGirl]

Working on a story about a sexually liberated woman who nonetheless has trouble touching herself or masturbating in front of her lover, though it turns him on tremendously and he begs her to do so. It raised some questions as to the nature of her problem.

. . .
As far as I know, most men would love to see their lovers feel free and uninhibited enough to play with themselves as the spirit moves them. They take it as a sign that the lover is stimulated past the point of all inhibition. The woman, though, seems to find it shameful or in some sense demeaning--unladylike for lack of a better word. Or maybe it's just that a woman's sense of sexual excitement is not as genitally-focused as a man's.

I have never been able to successfully masterbate in front of a lover (well, in front of anyone I guess I should say). A couple of times I did fake it, just to end the conversation. Then I'd be irritated with them afterwards but since I didn't tell them why, they'd leave feeling confused as hell. With a few more years of lameass wisdom under my belt, I have at least learned to articulate that this is something I'm not comfortable with and offer something else tempting instead.

As to why I don't like this, I can only guess. Grew up Catholic with the whole Madonna/whore societal background. Having sex before marriage was sin enough, taking obvious enjoyment in it was really slutty, and My God! actually materbating in front of your boyfriend?

I've long since stopped being Catholic. I've grown comfortable in my own sexuality, and if a lover seems uncomfortable with that, I simply move on instead of thinking there is something wrong with me. I love the intense give and take of a fulfilling sexual connection. But for all that, I don't want to masterbate in front of my lover, the thought of doing so turns me off. I guess that's something I consider solely mine, something very private.

Maybe it's as simple as keeping some part of me separate? I had to fight hard to come to terms with who I was, what I believe in, being able to enjoy sex and sexuality -- so maybe I am just not willing to put every bit of my hard earned sexuality out there, not for anyone.

 

[rgraham666]

(busily takes notes)

 

[jomar]

In general, I think guys are more visual. And quicker to arouse - hence the saying that a guy can get horny driving down a bumpy road.

My wife and I masturbate in front of each other during lovemaking and it seems to work for her.

 

[3113]

Are men naturally more exhibitionistic than women? Naturally more visual? Is there something about the "fireworks show" aspect of the male orgasm that prompts men to want to show off more?

I think it has to do with male competitive and pecking order. And to be fair, it's a lot easier for little boys to compare their "thingies" in length, size, shape and all the rest then it is for women to compare. I mean, it's really hard for a woman to get a look of what's down there without a mirror.

All a guy as to do--and gets to do from birth, is glance down. He can start competing with his male buddies as to who can send a stream of urine farther from a very early age. Girls just sit on the toilet.

So, it's not the least surprising that guys are less inhibited about showing what they've got--they show what they've got to each other every time they pee. And boys masturbating together is a common practice. And though I haven't been part of any such party, I've no doubt that boys, who will compete at just about anything, compete at who can have the bigger orgasmic explosion.

Girls aren't afraid to be naked with each other, but, once again there's little to see. Maybe if female genitalia was as evident as males, if women saw each other's genitalia as easily and often as men saw each other's genitalia, even if they squirted and displayed the results of an orgasm as clearly as men, then it wouldn't feel like a big thing to show off their genitalia during masturbation. I think nature, as well as strong doses of cultural nurture impress upon women that their private parts are private--hidden away and ought to be kept hidden.

I also don't think that many women believe that female genitalia is attractive. I think when they do get a look at themselves in a mirror, they don't much like what they see, and don't believe anyone else would want to see it.

Then again, maybe their hidden nature is part of what fascinates men. If they were out there all the time, guys might well take them for granted

 

[Oblimo]

I know it's an old soap box, but I think the story will be more believable if you build up the heroine's insecurity from her character and motivation, rather than any archetypal assumptions or notions of cultural conditioning. In other words, generalizations work well for fleshing out minor or supporting characters, but they tend of have the opposite effect when applied to main or lead characters.

 

[impressive]

My very first sexual experiences were mutual masturbation. It's been a turn on ever since. Even better than watching each other's hands, though, is maintaining eye contact and/or kissing. *shiver*

 

[tickledkitty]

A lot of women have very bad body images. I wonder if this factors into it? I mean, it's a bit different when you're having sex with someone who is also engaged in the activity. Maybe being looked at and feeling like they're on display bothers them?

I have a friend who is a very strong woman. She's very assertive and direct, very confident. However, she will not be completely naked in front of her husband of 20 years because she hates her body. I was floored when she told me this.

Age might have something to do with it, as well. I mean, I can't imagine myself doing this in my 20s. Now? No problem.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Are women especially turned on by the sight of a man masturbating while he's making love to them? While he's going down on them or kissing them, say?

Yes. Oh god yes.