Do you need to mentally feel secure to enjoy pain?

[MiaBabe23]

Well that's the starting point. Safe, sane, consensual. And sex isn't really the only outlet for catharsis in a healthy life. If I want to blow off some steam because I'm agitated, I'll go for a run, or blow up some aliens. When I'm in "dom" mode, I want "that" look in her eyes as I touch her lips with my tongue.

I kinda feel like we are talking about the same thing, but im coming from own sense of self, where care and affection and comfort are paramount even before any hanky panky happens, and you are starting from the ground level expectation setting first. I'm not disagreeing with you, I feel like we are on the same page, just focused on expressing our feelings about different aspects of the experience.

With those additional points, yes, I think we are

 

[TheNurseWithPrettyLegs]

But to put yourself in that position and to give yourself to someone that way, there needs to be a context of love and care, right? Or at the very least trust

Trust of course. I usually don't know my tormentors at the time.

 

[Samantha47]

Trust of course. I usually don't know my tormentors at the time.

Still sounds good

 

[MiaBabe23]

Trust of course. I usually don't know my tormentors at the time.

Oh okay, we get it. You wanna depict women as such pain sluts that we just trust random strangers to inflict pain. Watch your inbox light up! Thanks for that caricature

 

[Crystal_Dust]

Oh okay, we get it. You wanna depict women as such pain sluts that we just trust random strangers to inflict pain. Watch your inbox light up! Thanks for that caricature

I know women who do this. They are almost always new to the scene. My friends and I will try and let them know that this behavior isn’t safe, but way too many of them won’t learn until the bad thing happens.

 

[MiaBabe23]

I know women who do this. They are almost always new to the scene. My friends and I will try and let them know that this behavior isn’t safe, but way too many of them won’t learn until the bad thing happens.

It’s so troubling. Guess all you can do is gently warn them, as you do
Though I often think when people say the kinda thing said above on the threads, that it’s usually attention-seeking and/ or a guy with scary attitudes

 

[Crystal_Dust]

It’s so troubling. Guess all you can do is gently warn them, as you do
Though I often think when people say the kinda thing said above on the threads, that it’s usually attention-seeking and/ or a guy with scary attitudes

100% my assumption as well.
I tend to not engage in that but only because it’s gonna be more trouble than it is worth. But I always make note of it as a red flag for a user I won’t engage with.

 

[calmlikeabomb]

I know women who do this. They are almost always new to the scene. My friends and I will try and let them know that this behavior isn’t safe, but way too many of them won’t learn until the bad thing happens.

Urghhh... This is why I miss safe munches. It was so much easier to weed out the assholes.

 

[Crystal_Dust]

Urghhh... This is why I miss safe munches. It was so much easier to weed out the assholes.

Yeah sadly, I’m not convinced that ‘safe munches’ have ever been the norm. I’ve been in the scene for longer than I like to admit and there have always been too many predators

 

[calmlikeabomb]

Yeah sadly, I’m not convinced that ‘safe munches’ have ever been the norm. I’ve been in the scene for longer than I like to admit and there have always been too many predators

Perhaps my limited experience then, but the muches I went to in East Asia were quite comfortable. I suppose it helped that the community was small but fairly active. It was a pretty fun group of experienced people and newbies, and the experienced people took it upon themselves to guide the newbies (without any expectations).

 

[NuclearFairy]

Yeah sadly, I’m not convinced that ‘safe munches’ have ever been the norm. I’ve been in the scene for longer than I like to admit and there have always been too many predators

I've never actually been to anything like an event, or a group or anything. So personally I couldn't imagine exploring my needs outside of a well established relationship. No clue really what a munches is.

 

[Crystal_Dust]

I've never actually been to anything like an event, or a group or anything. So personally I couldn't imagine exploring my needs outside of a well established relationship. No clue really what a munches is.

So a munch is a gathering in a public space, like a bar, or restaurant, or whatever. It’s very vanilla and the idea is that you can meet in a very low key environment and connect with people. They are often a lot of fun, and just a good place to be with kinksters. You are generally encouraged to not talk about kink too much (because of waitstaff and other patrons) but it is nice to not have to monitor every little thing you say.

 

[Crystal_Dust]

Perhaps my limited experience then, but the muches I went to in East Asia were quite comfortable. I suppose it helped that the community was small but fairly active. It was a pretty fun group of experienced people and newbies, and the experienced people took it upon themselves to guide the newbies (without any expectations).

Not for nothing, but the world is very different for women and femme-presenting people

 

[NuclearFairy]

So a munch is a gathering in a public space, like a bar, or restaurant, or whatever. It’s very vanilla and the idea is that you can meet in a very low key environment and connect with people. They are often a lot of fun, and just a good place to be with kinksters. You are generally encouraged to not talk about kink too much (because of waitstaff and other patrons) but it is nice to not have to monitor every little thing you say.

That does sound fun. I doubt I'd find anything like that around here though... Thanks for the info though.

 

[calmlikeabomb]

Not for nothing, but the world is very different for women and femme-presenting people

Very true. The world we live in sucks many a times, and women have it harder than men on an average. But good things and positive communities are possible. I was in that particular munch for close to four years, and there were a handful of times when people were shown the door by the community, but it still beats craigslist.

 

[eroticspank]

If it’s not loving, it’s selfish
Even if it’s a relationship where the ‘l word’ might not exist, and/ or you’re roleplaying punishment etc, it absolutely needs to be from a place of love and care, whether for that person, or from your mood. This is why I don’t just domme for the sake of it, and don’t if I’m not in the right mood
Otherwise, you’re not focused on their interests and needs, only on what you’ve decided they should be at that moment - which then risks it being simply about your needs and you getting off

You make some great points, well-written, and I agree.

I do like a certain amount of selfishness from my Domme. As her sub, there are times when I do want it to be about her needs and her getting off. However, that is when we have the connection described above, a place of love and care, an emotional/mental connection. Comfortable. The safety of sharing that part of yourself that not everyone sees. I get to see her satisfy her unbridled lust, and she sees me lose control in many ways. (IN TO ME SEE) Intimacy.
ES

 

[eroticspank]

I understand what you’re saying, and it’s well expressed
But - and it’s a big but - if it’s not rooted in a place of care and concern for that person, your catharsis could be their detriment
Which also links to the importance of aftercare, which hasn’t been spoken about very much on the thread

Aftercare is essential. I like it even after vanilla sex. A girlfriend taught me this years ago, and I enjoy it. In D/s play, there can be emotional as well as physical release. Aftercare after emotional release is essential. While some men will not admit it at first, it is essential for us too. For some couples, this is a great time to talk.
ES

 

[MiaBabe23]

You make some great points, well-written, and I agree.

I do like a certain amount of selfishness from my Domme. As her sub, there are times when I do want it to be about her needs and her getting off. However, that is when we have the connection described above, a place of love and care, an emotional/mental connection. Comfortable. The safety of sharing that part of yourself that not everyone sees. I get to see her satisfy her unbridled lust, and she sees me lose control in many ways. (IN TO ME SEE) Intimacy.
ES

Absolutely, agreed
I admit I am speaking in significant part from the outside looking in here, in that my only experience of these things has been online rp, but I quickly discovered the importance of the kinda things you’re talking about
And yes; when you want to serve someone, it’s sometimes, or even often, absolutely about their pleasure rather than your own - but that’s only fulfilling and sustainable where you know they want you to experience pleasure from those moments too

 

[eroticspank]

Absolutely, agreed
I admit I am speaking in significant part from the outside looking in here, in that my only experience of these things has been online rp, but I quickly discovered the importance of the kinda things you’re talking about
And yes; when you want to serve someone, it’s sometimes, or even often, absolutely about their pleasure rather than your own - but that’s only fulfilling and sustainable where you know they want you to experience pleasure from those moments too

Actually, it is kind of scary at first. "You want me to do what? Thrusting out of control in chase of my own pleasure?" In my case, it took time to completely let go. All kinds of thoughts entered my head. What if I scream like a woman? What if I drool? What if? But once you finally let go, it is wonderful. Subs go deeper into subspace, and Dommes get the thrill of their Domme space. The emotional part is better than the physical, I feel. Both are wonderful.
ES

 

[TheNurseWithPrettyLegs]

Oh okay, we get it. You wanna depict womeObas such pain sluts that we just trust random strangers to inflict pain. Watch your inbox light up! Thanks for that caricature

Speaking strictly about myself. Obviously you don't 'get it'
My inbox is fine and thank you very much for your ASSumption.

 

[seekingAlpha]

The first true masochist I was ever involved with was an extremely attractive and had lots of mental issues that she was seeking treatment for. In addition, I have come across a lot of submissives involved in the BDSM lifestyle that were amazing people that enjoyed pain and they had known mental issues. Anecdotally, I would say that a person does not need to be mentally secure to enjoy play that involves pain and sometimes BDSM can be therapeutic for them in multiple ways.

 

[MiaBabe23]

The first true masochist I was ever involved with was an extremely attractive and had lots of mental issues that she was seeking treatment for. In addition, I have come across a lot of submissives involved in the BDSM lifestyle that were amazing people that enjoyed pain and they had known mental issues. Anecdotally, I would say that a person does not need to be mentally secure to enjoy play that involves pain and sometimes BDSM can be therapeutic for them in multiple ways.

I don’t think anyone here is using mentally secure to mean no mental health difficulties, that would discount a fifth or more of us
I take its meaning here to be a sense of safety, trust, confidence with the person and situation, (as compared to eg a complete stranger or situation of risk)
Not negating what you say, but while bdsm can be cathartic, it isn’t therapy and a dominant isn’t a therapist

 

[Crystal_Dust]

I don’t think anyone here is using mentally secure to mean no mental health difficulties, that would discount a fifth or more of us
I take its meaning here to be a sense of safety, trust, confidence with the person and situation, (as compared to eg a complete stranger or situation of risk)
Not negating what you say, but while bdsm can be cathartic, it isn’t therapy and a dominant isn’t a therapist

That’s how I had taken it as well.
It is also really common to point out how all masochists must face mental health challenges for liking pain, but seldom in kink circles do sadists receive the same analysis.

 

[MiaBabe23]

That’s how I had taken it as well.
It is also really common to point out how all masochists must face mental health challenges for liking pain, but seldom in kink circles do sadists receive the same analysis.

That’s a really good point - and perhaps comes from the apparent unwritten assumption that the one receiving is supposed to be weak, and the one delivering supposed to be strong, while really both can be both

 

[Crystal_Dust]

That’s a really good point - and perhaps comes from the apparent unwritten assumption that the one receiving is supposed to be weak, and the one delivering supposed to be strong, while really both can be both

I think it comes from people not understanding how someone can like pain, but being perfectly fine with seeing someone who enjoys causing pain.
Which, honestly, fits western culture.