Do you need to mentally feel secure to enjoy pain?

[NuclearFairy]

I was talking over a story I'm writing with my SO, this story is about one female and a bunch of different males. Only one of which is a sadist. And I was talking about the kinds of conflicts that might be going through the sadists mind and my SO offhandedly remarked, "Well she doesn't enjoy pain, so it'd really be best if he didn't have an active sexual role with her."

Which honestly had me slightly dumbfounded. I mean yeah, she didn't enjoy the nipple biting and pinching her first time, and she was a bit scared an hour later when they talked about going into her back door. But... I would've reacted the same in those circumstances. It was her first time, she was in unfamiliar surroundings, and she was still very much worried about getting those closes to her to believe some very big truths.

I enjoy pain, but I also have to be in the right head space to do so, if I'm worried and anxious I'm not going to enjoy it. He's always known that I'm a bit of a slow start as far as the pain goes, and so knows to work me up first. But my SO not knowing that it can be so closely linked to emotions, and that someone who is really into the sex still might not be able to let go enough to enjoy the pain, has me wondering, how common is that?

 

[HyposMuse]

Totally common. For many of us, pain flips from nope to want only when the right switches are on. Safety. Trust. Arousal. Choice. Pacing. Headspace changes the meaning of sensation. If I feel safe, wanted, and tuned to my partner, pain reads as intensity and connection. If I am anxious or rushed, the same touch reads as alarm or falls flat.

Also it is your story. Your character can be exactly who you want her to be. For reassurance, lots of us only flip to OMG YES YES YES when certain conditions are in place. In the wrong headspace the body reads pain as danger. In the right headspace it reads as devotion. First time, unfamiliar space, big truths in the air. Of course nipple bites landed as fear. That does not mean she is not into pain. It means her green brain was not online yet.

And with the right Dom, (@Hypocrites ) I've learned that even a previous trigger or limit can become a craving.

 

[wwot40]

In a D/s relationship, feeling mentally and emotionally secure is often essential for enjoying pain. Trust and safety create the foundation that allows a submissive to interpret pain as intentional, caring, and safe rather than threatening. Clear boundaries, safewords, and mutual respect reinforce that sense of control and consent, helping the mind relax instead of bracing against the experience. The pleasure in pain comes not from the physical sensation alone, but from the context of surrender, intensity, intimacy, or release, and this only works when the submissive feels safe enough to let go. While individual needs can vary, most find that mental security is what transforms pain from something harmful into something pleasurable or even deeply cathartic.

 

[Samantha47]

In a D/s relationship, feeling mentally and emotionally secure is often essential for enjoying pain. Trust and safety create the foundation that allows a submissive to interpret pain as intentional, caring, and safe rather than threatening. Clear boundaries, safewords, and mutual respect reinforce that sense of control and consent, helping the mind relax instead of bracing against the experience. The pleasure in pain comes not from the physical sensation alone, but from the context of surrender, intensity, intimacy, or release, and this only works when the submissive feels safe enough to let go. While individual needs can vary, most find that mental security is what transforms pain from something harmful into something pleasurable or even deeply cathartic.

Oh my goodness yes

 

[cascadiabound]

I would add to what other's have said... yes- trust, sense of safety, consent all must be in place for pain to register as a good stimulus rather than a bad stimulus to be feared... this is also the case for restraints, loss of senses (hearing/sight), gags, collars, ropes, etc can increase a sub's sense of submission and openness to more intense intimacy/sexual play, but only in a context of her (him/them) feeling safe, protected, respected etc. Without those essentials in place, all that fun kinky stuff triggers fear, claustrophobia, adrenaline for flight or withdrawal and can cause harm that would interfere with connection and true intimacy/submission.

 

[Samantha47]

I would add to what other's have said... yes- trust, sense of safety, consent all must be in place for pain to register as a good stimulus rather than a bad stimulus to be feared... this is also the case for restraints, loss of senses (hearing/sight), gags, collars, ropes, etc can increase a sub's sense of submission and openness to more intense intimacy/sexual play, but only in a context of her feeling safe, protected, respected etc. Without those essentials in place, all that fun kinky stuff triggers fear, claustrophobia, adrenaline for flight or withdrawal and can cause harm that would interfere with connection and true intimacy/submission.

I know you're right

 

[calmlikeabomb]

Perhaps I'm strange, but I need to be mentally secure to inflict pain.

 

[MiaBabe23]

Agree with what several have said; without a sense of real trust and arousal, it’s an absolute no, whether receiving or delivering

 

[NuclearFairy]

Perhaps I'm strange, but I need to be mentally secure to inflict pain.

That is interesting, but it makes sense. I can imagine that inflicting pain in a loving manner might also need quite a bit of trust on the sadists part too.

 

[Samantha47]

Agree with what several have said; without a sense of real trust and arousal, it’s an absolute no, whether receiving or delivering

You are so correct

 

[ColtonWrites]

Perhaps I'm strange, but I need to be mentally secure to inflict pain.

That makes perfect sense to me. Both people need to be feeling safe and comfortable.
If I as a sub/masochist were just after pain, I could go slam my head into the wall. Obviously thats not what I'm after. And if you just wanted to inflict pain, you could just go get into a fistfight. Again, obviously not what you're after.
If you arent in a space to take care of the person you're with, inflicting pain is just going to feel like abuse.

 

[calmlikeabomb]

That is interesting, but it makes sense. I can imagine that inflicting pain in a loving manner might also need quite a bit of trust on the sadists part too.

It doesn't need to be loving pain. It can be punishment pain or discipline pain as well. There are layers to this, as in everything else in life.

Being a dom isn't about being an out of control maniac. It's about control, first and foremost. Control not just over your sub, but control over yourself. To keep her safe, I need to make sure I feel safe.

To make sure she gets what she needs, I need to make sure I can clearly see a path and hold her by her hand (or by her throat) and take her there.

To make sure the tears in her eyes are the good tears, I need to make sure that I keep reminding myself that she is a good person at heart.

To make sure she blushes and winces and smiles the day after while wearing her bra or sitting down or a roughly smacked or whipped ass, I need to make sure i give her a good memory that she will cherish.

To do all of that, I need to see her as a person, as a full person, and to see her as a person and appreciate her flaws and quirks and all of her goodness, I need to be centred enough to keep my ego aside.

 

[Samantha47]

It doesn't need to be loving pain. It can be punishment pain or discipline pain as well. There are layers to this, as in everything else in life.

Being a dom isn't about being an out of control maniac. It's about control, first and foremost. Control not just over your sub, but control over yourself. To keep her safe, I need to make sure I feel safe.

To make sure she gets what she needs, I need to make sure I can clearly see a path and hold her by her hand (or by her throat) and take her there.

To make sure the tears in her eyes are the good tears, I need to make sure that I keep reminding myself that she is a good person at heart.

To make sure she blushes and winces and smiles the day after while wearing her bra or sitting down or a roughly smacked or whipped ass, I need to make sure i give her a good memory that she will cherish.

To do all of that, I need to see her as a person, as a full person, and to see her as a person and appreciate her flaws and quirks and all of her goodness, I need to be centred enough to keep my ego aside.

Sounds perfect to me

 

[Britva415]

Perhaps I'm strange, but I need to be mentally secure to inflict pain.

It’s the other side of the same coin.

 

[Samantha47]

It’s the other side of the same coin.

Yes it is

 

[MiaBabe23]

It doesn't need to be loving pain. It can be punishment pain or discipline pain as well. There are layers to this, as in everything else in life.

Being a dom isn't about being an out of control maniac. It's about control, first and foremost. Control not just over your sub, but control over yourself. To keep her safe, I need to make sure I feel safe.

To make sure she gets what she needs, I need to make sure I can clearly see a path and hold her by her hand (or by her throat) and take her there.

To make sure the tears in her eyes are the good tears, I need to make sure that I keep reminding myself that she is a good person at heart.

To make sure she blushes and winces and smiles the day after while wearing her bra or sitting down or a roughly smacked or whipped ass, I need to make sure i give her a good memory that she will cherish.

To do all of that, I need to see her as a person, as a full person, and to see her as a person and appreciate her flaws and quirks and all of her goodness, I need to be centred enough to keep my ego aside.

If it’s not loving, it’s selfish
Even if it’s a relationship where the ‘l word’ might not exist, and/ or you’re roleplaying punishment etc, it absolutely needs to be from a place of love and care, whether for that person, or from your mood. This is why I don’t just domme for the sake of it, and don’t if I’m not in the right mood
Otherwise, you’re not focused on their interests and needs, only on what you’ve decided they should be at that moment - which then risks it being simply about your needs and you getting off

 

[Samantha47]

If it’s not loving, it’s selfish
Even if it’s a relationship where the ‘l word’ might not exist, and/ or you’re roleplaying punishment etc, it absolutely needs to be from a place of love and care, whether for that person, or from your mood. This is why I don’t just domme for the sake of it, and don’t if I’m not in the right mood
Otherwise, you’re not focused on their interests and needs, only on what you’ve decided they should be at that moment - which then risks it being simply about your needs and you getting off

I agree

 

[TheNurseWithPrettyLegs]

I was talking over a story I'm writing with my SO, this story is about one female and a bunch of different males. Only one of which is a sadist. And I was talking about the kinds of conflicts that might be going through the sadists mind and my SO offhandedly remarked, "Well she doesn't enjoy pain, so it'd really be best if he didn't have an active sexual role with her."

Which honestly had me slightly dumbfounded. I mean yeah, she didn't enjoy the nipple biting and pinching her first time, and she was a bit scared an hour later when they talked about going into her back door. But... I would've reacted the same in those circumstances. It was her first time, she was in unfamiliar surroundings, and she was still very much worried about getting those closes to her to believe some very big truths.

I enjoy pain, but I also have to be in the right head space to do so, if I'm worried and anxious I'm not going to enjoy it. He's always known that I'm a bit of a slow start as far as the pain goes, and so knows to work me up first. But my SO not knowing that it can be so closely linked to emotions, and that someone who is really into the sex still might not be able to let go enough to enjoy the pain, has me wondering, how common is that?

I just need to feel physically 'secure', metal restraints and bindings preferred, leather or rope, just totally immobile and helpless, unable to move at all and best if its in a very extreme and uncomfortable position. Black out contact lenses or a really good blindfold is the icing on the cake.

The emotions take care of themselves, the anxiety, fear, dread, and the intensity leading up to that very first feeling of exquisite pain, no matter where it starts is is hard to put into words. I don't have to 'get' in the right headspace, I just need to be 'put' in the right headspace with no choice at all.

Thank you for giving the space to clutter up your post with my ramblings.

 

[Samantha47]

I just need to feel physically 'secure', metal restraints and bindings preferred, leather or rope, just totally immobile and helpless, unable to move at all and best if its in a very extreme and uncomfortable position. Black out contact lenses or a really good blindfold is the icing on the cake.

The emotions take care of themselves, the anxiety, fear, dread, and the intensity leading up to that very first feeling of exquisite pain, no matter where it starts is is hard to put into words. I don't have to 'get' in the right headspace, I just need to be 'put' in the right headspace with no choice at all.

Thank you for giving the space to clutter up your post with my ramblings.

Sounds very good to me

 

[MiaBabe23]

I just need to feel physically 'secure', metal restraints and bindings preferred, leather or rope, just totally immobile and helpless, unable to move at all and best if its in a very extreme and uncomfortable position. Black out contact lenses or a really good blindfold is the icing on the cake.

The emotions take care of themselves, the anxiety, fear, dread, and the intensity leading up to that very first feeling of exquisite pain, no matter where it starts is is hard to put into words. I don't have to 'get' in the right headspace, I just need to be 'put' in the right headspace with no choice at all.

Thank you for giving the space to clutter up your post with my ramblings.

But to put yourself in that position and to give yourself to someone that way, there needs to be a context of love and care, right? Or at the very least trust

 

[Samantha47]

But to put yourself in that position and to give yourself to someone that way, there needs to be a context of love and care, right?

Yes absolutely

 

[calmlikeabomb]

If it’s not loving, it’s selfish
Even if it’s a relationship where the ‘l word’ might not exist, and/ or you’re roleplaying punishment etc, it absolutely needs to be from a place of love and care, whether for that person, or from your mood. This is why I don’t just domme for the sake of it, and don’t if I’m not in the right mood
Otherwise, you’re not focused on their interests and needs, only on what you’ve decided they should be at that moment - which then risks it being simply about your needs and you getting off

Perhaps it's semantics, but loving pain to me is fun and affectionate. Discipline pain is meditative, while punishment pain is reflective.

Imagine you are playing in a Metallica cover band. Creeping Death is fun, because it's fun to play, simple chords, chugging along, fantastic breakdown. Master of Puppets is almost meditative because it requires a higher amount of precision and being in lockstep, while Bleeding Me is reflective, needing you to connect to the Feel of the song more than the Rhythm.

Playing those songs together requires not just trust and chemistry, but also being in the same mindspace. You are still playing all those different songs together, but the nature of the song itself requires a different approach and intentionality.

There are always nuances, and just because something doesn't "look" loving from the surface, doesn't mean it's not coming from a place of care and affection.

 

[MiaBabe23]

Perhaps it's semantics, but loving pain to me is fun and affectionate. Discipline pain is meditative, while punishment pain is reflective.

Imagine you are playing in a Metallica cover band. Creeping Death is fun, because it's fun to play, simple chords, chugging along, fantastic breakdown. Master of Puppets is almost meditative because it requires a higher amount of precision and being in lockstep, while Bleeding Me is reflective, needing you to connect to the Feel of the song more than the Rhythm.

Playing those songs together requires not just trust and chemistry, but also being in the same mindspace. You are still playing all those different songs together, but the nature of the song itself requires a different approach and intentionality.

There are always nuances, and just because something doesn't "look" loving from the surface, doesn't mean it's not coming from a place of care and affection.

I understand what you’re saying, and it’s well expressed
But - and it’s a big but - if it’s not rooted in a place of care and concern for that person, your catharsis could be their detriment
Which also links to the importance of aftercare, which hasn’t been spoken about very much on the thread

 

[Samantha47]

Just something special being exposed to your lover and give complete control over anything they want

 

[calmlikeabomb]

I understand what you’re saying, and it’s well expressed
But - and it’s a big but - if it’s not rooted in a place of care and concern for that person, your catharsis could be their detriment
Which also links to the importance of aftercare, which hasn’t been spoken about very much on the thread

Well that's the starting point. Safe, sane, consensual. And sex isn't really the only outlet for catharsis in a healthy life. If I want to blow off some steam because I'm agitated, I'll go for a run, or blow up some aliens. When I'm in "dom" mode, I want "that" look in her eyes as I touch her lips with my tongue.

I kinda feel like we are talking about the same thing, but im coming from own sense of self, where care and affection and comfort are paramount even before any hanky panky happens, and you are starting from the ground level expectation setting first. I'm not disagreeing with you, I feel like we are on the same page, just focused on expressing our feelings about different aspects of the experience.