Tallulah needs YOU.

[Tallulah82]

i hope you find everything youre looking for. communication and expectations are key, but you know that. you deserve to have it all.

Thank you.

 

[Tallulah82]

I wouldn't want to share the physical details because it's private and not something my husband, in my opinion, needs to know about. I could understand him wanting to know if the two of us shared a cuckold or hot wife kink. In my situation, that is not the case. I wouldn't want to know the physical details of any encounters that he has. That's his business. The one exception would be if he engaged in unprotected sex. Because that is something that could have an impact on my health.

I would expect both of us to discuss our thoughts and feelings about how the arrangement is making us feel about ourselves and our relationship. We discuss our thoughts and feelings about everything else in life, so I don't think this would be any different.

I've girl fanned already over yourself and @LadyLascivious1 but I'll do it one more time.

You both have been such a boost to me, with both of you being able to talk and explain in good detail what I was feeling. Due to your explanations, I've been able to word it more effectively to my husband, who now understands better and accepts my preferences.

 

[deft]

I've girl fanned already over yourself and @LadyLascivious1 but I'll do it one more time.

You both have been such a boost to me, with both of you being able to talk and explain in good detail what I was feeling. Due to your explanations, I've been able to word it more effectively to my husband, who now understands better and accepts my preferences.

Ooooh! Girl-fanning is on the cards, too?

 

[Tallulah82]

Ooooh! Girl-fanning is on the cards, too?

Absofuckinglutely.

 

[deft]

Absofuckinglutely.

Oh, myyyyyy...

 

[Peter_Out]

Well! This was surprising news!

I have things to say, but I'm going to try to keep them brief.

Firstly: Go you! (Both of you, actually!)

In my opinion you really do need to work out between you what sort of (E!)NM will work for the two of you, as pretty much a first step, i.e. whether it's to be "sex-only" or full-on emotional relationships. It's not only important for your marriage, but also for your own happiness in whatever new relationships you build. In my experience (I've been in both monogamous and poly relationships at different times of my life), the relationships only work when everyone is on the same page in terms of what is expected. If you're going to be poly, rather than it being "just" sex, then even the style of poly will be important - the expectations in RA are very different to those in "kitchen table" relationships, for example. I know it's trite, but communication really is key.

Don't be afraid to set out boundaries - no fluid bonding is a common one, no sex under the same roof, in the "marital bed", etc.; whatever you are both comfortable with - and communicate them to potential partners so that they can make informed decisions for themselves.

Monogamy and non-monogamy suit different people at different times of their lives. Don't be afraid to say "This isn't working", and go back to being closed (it's also fine for one of you to not "take part, so to say, while the other still does, if your personalities allow that). Neither open nor closed are inherently wrong (or right come to that), only right/wrong at certain times for certain people. You don't have to decide and stick with it, come what may. You don't even have to go back to closed and then stick with that. You're your own people, and you get to decide what's good for you.

Good luck! It can be rough at times, but rewarding, too. I think it's really brave of you to do this. Especially him, actually. It's often the case that a man wants to open the relationship ("Urg... more woman! Me want! *drools*), and the woman is reluctant, and then the man watches as the woman dips a metaphorical toe into things, has a huge amount of success and realises that, "Hey, this is wonderful!" And the guy is sitting there going, "Wait. Wait. It's not supposed to be like this! When do I get my turn?!", because he gets nary a flicker of interest from other women. I do try not to find the irony hilarious. Honestly. (I'm using men and women here, but the same may apply with other genders, I just don't have experience in that situation.)

 

[Tallulah82]

Well! This was surprising news!

I have things to say, but I'm going to try to keep them brief.

Firstly: Go you! (Both of you, actually!)

In my opinion you really do need to work out between you what sort of (E!)NM will work for the two of you, as pretty much a first step, i.e. whether it's to be "sex-only" or full-on emotional relationships. It's not only important for your marriage, but also for your own happiness in whatever new relationships you build. In my experience (I've been in both monogamous and poly relationships at different times of my life), the relationships only work when everyone is on the same page in terms of what is expected. If you're going to be poly, rather than it being "just" sex, then even the style of poly will be important - the expectations in RA are very different to those in "kitchen table" relationships, for example. I know it's trite, but communication really is key.

Don't be afraid to set out boundaries - no fluid bonding is a common one, no sex under the same roof, in the "marital bed", etc.; whatever you are both comfortable with - and communicate them to potential partners so that they can make informed decisions for themselves.

Monogamy and non-monogamy suit different people at different times of their lives. Don't be afraid to say "This isn't working", and go back to being closed (it's also fine for one of you to not "take part, so to say, while the other still does, if your personalities allow that). Neither open nor closed are inherently wrong (or right come to that), only right/wrong at certain times for certain people. You don't have to decide and stick with it, come what may. You don't even have to go back to closed and then stick with that. You're your own people, and you get to decide what's good for you.

Good luck! It can be rough at times, but rewarding, too. I think it's really brave of you to do this. Especially him, actually. It's often the case that a man wants to open the relationship ("Urg... more woman! Me want! *drools*), and the woman is reluctant, and then the man watches as the woman dips a metaphorical toe into things, has a huge amount of success and realises that, "Hey, this is wonderful!" And the guy is sitting there going, "Wait. Wait. It's not supposed to be like this! When do I get my turn?!", because he gets nary a flicker of interest from other women. I do try not to find the irony hilarious. Honestly. (I'm using men and women here, but the same may apply with other genders, I just don't have experience in that situation.)

Peter! Soooo good to see you posting.

Thank you so much for coming forward and for your thoughts. I bet it was more of a surprise for me than it was for you

 

[Tallulah82]

Since I'm here I may as well post an update!

So, we agree that we would literally write up a contract. This kind of feels weird but also right because that's the kind of person I am. We haven't signed it yet, I have to tweak a couple of things so that we're both happy with how it's worded without ambiguity. I did a google search and found a template I thought was most appropriate, so not too much work in it other than making it more personal for ourselves.

We've done a fair amount of 'work' together to help him find his groove etc. He is beginning this new adventure on a very different path to myself. Whilst I'm currently only interested in 1:1 meets of people I already know, he is exploring the swingers scene. This said, I am 'present' in his new swingers profile, with the thought that one day in the future, I may join him for a meet or two.

We've had a couple of bumpy discussions already, which is to be expected. For example, he suddenly became one big horn-dog and quite quickly I felt pressure to have sex more than usual. However my life is still as stressful as ever, and I've not been in the mental state to relax enough to roll with the sexiness. I had to tell him very clearly and firmly that I wasn't suddenly an all-access sex toy just because I've agreed to opening the marriage (I put it gentler than this, I think ).

I've already said that I'm not running out to fuck anyone and everyone just because I can. Whilst he kind of wants to, his life commitments are causing a bit of a stumbling block. Which brings us onto the second awkwardness. He is not very online savvy, and I've needed to help him set up a couple of things, including a private vault on his phone for his photos. I don't mind initially hand-holding him through the basics to make sure he's not going to do anything naïve. However, I'm not willing to take responsibility to make this work for him (reminding him to do X or not do Y in both family and private life). Even down to forgetting his share of chores because he's too side-tracked with being online. Fuck no.

He's a grown-ass man and if he wants this, he's going to have to figure out how to do it without compromising our life together. I'll work with him, but I'm not carrying him. This probably sounds super harsh, but it's one of the more important things to me, than how much dick I can get.

This sounds negative. It's not. We're settling into it, into the mindset. Then we just need to actually act on it, at some point.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

I don’t think you sound super harsh. I understand what you mean about “carrying him” and not wanting the responsibility of making this work for him by managing the details. When one is detail oriented and good at keeping things running smoothly, other people (partners, coworkers) get comfortable assuming that one will always be happy to take on those responsibilities. In many cases, one is. This, at least for me, is not one of them.

In addition to being extremely monogamous, I can see this as another reason my husband would not be interested in exploring sex outside of our relationship. His work leaves him with enough decision fatigue that he often doesn’t want to even pick a restaurant for dinner. This could be far too much admin for him to deal with.