Partners of Dismissive Avoidants

[SweetDee33]

Inspired to post by another thread. First time posting so please be kind

Are there any partners of dismissive avoidants in here? Were you ever able to explore kinks together, talk about what you like, experience real sexual intimacy?

Not looking for relationship advice, just curious if there are any success stories out there!

 

[Daddydude55]

No success here yet and bo sex worth having every few months

 

[SweetDee33]

No success here yet and bo sex worth having every few months

I feel for you! It's a lonely position to be in for sure.

 

[LordofDargaardkeep]

what is dismissive avoidants?

 

[Daddydude55]

It sux balls for sure

 

[SweetDee33]

what is dismissive avoidants?

It's an attachment style that causes the person to withdraw from emotional intimacy, prioritize independence even in a relationship and shutdown during conflict. They are unable to be vulnerable. Can't express affection. Supposedly they love you, but just can't express it

 

[LordofDargaardkeep]

Wouldn't those things be self-evident at the beginning stages of a relationship? Or was it a change or shift later on? Was there more intimacy early on that has faded now?

 

[Britva415]

Wouldn't those things be self-evident at the beginning stages of a relationship?

Only to someone who's aware of the phenomenon and not blinded by new relationship energy and a heart full of hope for the future together.

Relationships are universally characterized by what happens in the long term, after blinders and generous attitudes have worn off.

 

[ClockworkCourtesan]

As an actual diagnosed dismissive avoidant, ask any questions you have.

 

[flameinsidesoul]

Inspired to post by another thread. First time posting so please be kind

Are there any partners of dismissive avoidants in here? Were you ever able to explore kinks together, talk about what you like, experience real sexual intimacy?

Not looking for relationship advice, just curious if there are any success stories out there!

Welcome, and thank you for having the courage to make your first post on such a complex and personal topic. It's a brave question, and you've phrased it with clarity and purpose.

To answer you directly: yes, it is possible. But the path is rarely linear, and "success" often looks different than one might initially imagine. I was in a long-term relationship with a dismissive-avoidant woman. The emotional distance was palpable, and the bedroom often felt like the front line of that silent battle. Attempts to discuss fantasies or kinks were met with deflection, jokes, or outright shutdowns. It felt hopeless.

The breakthrough didn't come from a dramatic, perfect conversation about kinks. It came from indirect communication.

I stopped trying to talk about our sex life. Instead, I started talking around it. We began reading erotic stories together on this very site. It became our neutral ground. We weren't exposing our own vulnerabilities; we were discussing the characters. I'd say, "Wow, the tension in this story is incredible. The way the author describes the power exchange is so hot." She'd agree or disagree, and we'd talk about the story, not us.

That created a safe vocabulary. Over months, it became a bridge. We could say, "I liked the story we read last night more than the one from Tuesday," which was code for "I prefer this dynamic over that one." The shared story became a third party in our relationship, a safe conduit for desires we were too fearful to claim as our own.

We never achieved a perfectly open, effortlessly communicative sexual partnership. That wasn't our success story. Our success was finding a fragile but workable bridge. We learned to build intimacy in whispers and through proxies, not grand declarations. It was hard-won and required immense patience.

So, to your question: were we ever able to explore kinks together? Yes, but in a language we invented for ourselves. It was less about a specific act and more about the shared, secret world we built to finally meet each other.

I hope that offers a sliver of the hope you're looking for. The journey is unique for everyone, but you are not alone in asking the question.

 

[oldishwoman]

This conversation has sparked some comments and questions. Since people are living in the situation, and I'm not, if people respond, great. If not, it's ok too.

My first thought was "is this even a real diagnosis?" Is this in the DSM? People are making up "syndromes" left and right out of whole cloth.

My next thought was "how is this description different from male socialization prior to the 1960s?" I read here of two women who identify with it. If they were men, would those traits be characterized as some sort of disorder? Although I don't think that type of person would be good for me in a relationship, it used to "work" for a lot of men when that was the cultural norm.

Similar to how coffee has never been considered a dangerous drug. As Americans, we live in a culture that values productivity. Caffeine supports that, so it's not considered a drug. If we were a community of Koala bears, caffeine effects would be viewed very differently.

Lastly, here is my bias as a single person. Whether a diagnosis or not, if a particular style of relating is really different from your own, wouldn't both people be happier with more compatible partners? It seems to me that married people get lots of kudos for staying together short of some type of abuse. Other married folk seem very invested in other people staying married in a way that I've never understood. "I'm not happy" is a full reason to get out.

Going back to being single, and looking for a partner, the surface truth is that the majority of het people are married after a certain age. But the other truth is that those people are not as emotionally connected to their spouses as their marital status makes it appear. Given marital mis-matches, there should be a larger pool of available people.

 

[Statius]

It's an attachment style that causes the person to withdraw from emotional intimacy, prioritize independence even in a relationship and shutdown during conflict. They are unable to be vulnerable. Can't express affection. Supposedly they love you, but just can't express it

Sounds vaguely familiar