NotWise
Desert Rat
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2015
- Posts
- 15,256
Ouch!
More Humour
- Thread starter Handley_Page
- Start date
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Posts
- 7,436
Dammit - speak ill of my family, will you!
Smuttyandfun
Literotica Guru
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- May 19, 2018
- Posts
- 43,849
AG31
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2021
- Posts
- 3,364
This isn't a joke, but it's a true thing that's been making me chuckle for days.
We were driving our 13 and 14 year old grandsons on an errand. I took the opportunity to introduce them to a camp song from my youth that they said they were unfamiliar with. The song is bellow. After I finished the 14 year old said, "Gramma's got a dark side." Dunno if it's as funny on re-telling.
She Waded in the Water - to the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic
She waded in the water and she got her feet all wet.
She waded in the water and she got her feet all wet.
She waded in the water and she got her feet all wet.
But she didn't get her <clap, clap> wet. Yet.
Glory, glory hallelujah.
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
Knocked her over the bean
With a rotten tangerine.
The school goes marching on.
She waded in the water and she got her ankles wet.
.
.
.
Refrain.
Calves....
Knees....
Thighs...
She waded in the water and she finally got it wet.
She waded in the water and she finally got it wet.
She waded in the water and she finally got it wet.
She finally got her bathing suit wet. Yet.
Refrain
We were driving our 13 and 14 year old grandsons on an errand. I took the opportunity to introduce them to a camp song from my youth that they said they were unfamiliar with. The song is bellow. After I finished the 14 year old said, "Gramma's got a dark side." Dunno if it's as funny on re-telling.
She Waded in the Water - to the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic
She waded in the water and she got her feet all wet.
She waded in the water and she got her feet all wet.
She waded in the water and she got her feet all wet.
But she didn't get her <clap, clap> wet. Yet.
Glory, glory hallelujah.
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
Knocked her over the bean
With a rotten tangerine.
The school goes marching on.
She waded in the water and she got her ankles wet.
.
.
.
Refrain.
Calves....
Knees....
Thighs...
She waded in the water and she finally got it wet.
She waded in the water and she finally got it wet.
She waded in the water and she finally got it wet.
She finally got her bathing suit wet. Yet.
Refrain
SouthernCrossfire
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2019
- Posts
- 693
AG, maybe it's because I went to camp a lot and on numerous organization trips trips as a kid but I remember that one.
Or maybe it's because I had a dirty mind even back then that I remember that one?
Or maybe it's because I had a dirty mind even back then that I remember that one?
jehoram
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2010
- Posts
- 4,899
Then there's the "Dirty Song"
There was an old farmer, who sat on a rock
Stroking his whiskers and shaking his
Fist at his neighbors, who sat on their wricks
Teaching their children, to player with their
Kite strings and marbles in the old days of yore
Along came a lady who looked like
A descent young lady and walked like a duck
Said she discovered, a new way to
Bring up the children to sew and to knit
The boys in the stables where shoveling up
Contents of stables left after the hunt
The car man was feeing a nice piece of
Straw from the stables, cleaning the walls
In came the dear maid to play with his
Dog in the dairy where she did belong
If you think this is dirty well your f*ckin well wrong..
source: https://www.lyricsondemand.com/b/bobsagetlyrics/oldenglishfolksonglyrics.html
And I remember from my childhood a similar sort of almost-dirty lyric:
Casey had a steam boat, the steamboat had a bell
Casey went to heaven, the steamboat went to
Hello operator, give me number nine
If you don't connect me, I'll kick you in the
Behind the kitchen door, Little Susie had a glass
Susie fell and broke it, and cut her little
Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies
I don't remember the rest of it.
There was an old farmer, who sat on a rock
Stroking his whiskers and shaking his
Fist at his neighbors, who sat on their wricks
Teaching their children, to player with their
Kite strings and marbles in the old days of yore
Along came a lady who looked like
A descent young lady and walked like a duck
Said she discovered, a new way to
Bring up the children to sew and to knit
The boys in the stables where shoveling up
Contents of stables left after the hunt
The car man was feeing a nice piece of
Straw from the stables, cleaning the walls
In came the dear maid to play with his
Dog in the dairy where she did belong
If you think this is dirty well your f*ckin well wrong..
source: https://www.lyricsondemand.com/b/bobsagetlyrics/oldenglishfolksonglyrics.html
And I remember from my childhood a similar sort of almost-dirty lyric:
Casey had a steam boat, the steamboat had a bell
Casey went to heaven, the steamboat went to
Hello operator, give me number nine
If you don't connect me, I'll kick you in the
Behind the kitchen door, Little Susie had a glass
Susie fell and broke it, and cut her little
Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies
I don't remember the rest of it.
RejectReality
Errant Smut Slinger
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2009
- Posts
- 5,001
The one we always did for campfires was this one:
(Narrator) This is the story of a man and his faithful donkey crossing the desert. Act 1.
(Donkey) Water, master! Water!
(Man) Patience, jackass. Patience.
(Narrator) Act 2.
(Donkey) Water, master! Water!
(Man) Patience, jackass. Patience.
(Narrator) Act 4.
Then either someone calls out the question, or somebody you've planted in the crowd does it if the narrator gets to "Act 6" on his next line.
(Crowd) What happened to act 3?
(Everyone) Patience, jackass! Patience!
(Narrator) This is the story of a man and his faithful donkey crossing the desert. Act 1.
(Donkey) Water, master! Water!
(Man) Patience, jackass. Patience.
(Narrator) Act 2.
(Donkey) Water, master! Water!
(Man) Patience, jackass. Patience.
(Narrator) Act 4.
Then either someone calls out the question, or somebody you've planted in the crowd does it if the narrator gets to "Act 6" on his next line.
(Crowd) What happened to act 3?
(Everyone) Patience, jackass! Patience!
AG31
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2021
- Posts
- 3,364
I couldn't get it to play. What's the tune for that first one? The 2nd was familiar. Thanks for the reminder.
jehoram
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2010
- Posts
- 4,899
I lost the URL to the version I had long ago (it was an abridgement of the one that I posted). But Google "Dirty Song" on YouTube and you might find it. The singer was playing his ukulele to accompany it.
Izanami9
(Like a) Virgin
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2025
- Posts
- 154
Not a joke, but it makes me laugh when I remember it -
First, the background: my SO and I have a bilingual household, though we speak mostly English due to where we live. Sometimes he forgets the English word he wants in the moment. I write these convos down occasionally when they amuse me; this is one example.
SO: Oi, it’s ringing
Me: What? *looks at silent phone in my hand, confused*
SO: Your thing is ringing!
Me: *looks at self more confused, pats down crotch in case I forgot something* Is that supposed to be some kind of compliment? *pats chest, remembering when I called my girls ding-dongs and he unzipped and said he’d see my ding-dongs and raise me a Dong*
SO: not you, the blue thing is ringing! In the kitchen, for you
Me: *squints* are you ok? What thing? *moves closer to take his temperature
and hears kettle whistling in the kitchen* Ohhhh. My blue KITCHEN thing is ringing *feeling vaguely disappointed*
SO: yes, for your weird British tea
Me: at least MY tea has magical properties and doesn’t taste like a sunbeam took a mud bath
SO: *shrugs* mud baths are healthy
Me: not for tea!
SO: maybe not YOUR “tea” (quote fingers)
First, the background: my SO and I have a bilingual household, though we speak mostly English due to where we live. Sometimes he forgets the English word he wants in the moment. I write these convos down occasionally when they amuse me; this is one example.
SO: Oi, it’s ringing
Me: What? *looks at silent phone in my hand, confused*
SO: Your thing is ringing!
Me: *looks at self more confused, pats down crotch in case I forgot something* Is that supposed to be some kind of compliment? *pats chest, remembering when I called my girls ding-dongs and he unzipped and said he’d see my ding-dongs and raise me a Dong*
SO: not you, the blue thing is ringing! In the kitchen, for you
Me: *squints* are you ok? What thing? *moves closer to take his temperature
and hears kettle whistling in the kitchen* Ohhhh. My blue KITCHEN thing is ringing *feeling vaguely disappointed*SO: yes, for your weird British tea
Me: at least MY tea has magical properties and doesn’t taste like a sunbeam took a mud bath
SO: *shrugs* mud baths are healthy
Me: not for tea!
SO: maybe not YOUR “tea” (quote fingers)
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
- Joined
- May 19, 2018
- Posts
- 6,220
After our third deployment to the Persian Gulf, our carrier had returned to our homeport of Yokosuka, Japan. Me and my BFAMs, Rick and Mike, headed over to the Seaside Club for brunch the next morning. After we got our food, we each got a steaming mug of coffee and returned to our table. Rick promptly poured cream and sugar into his, stirred it, and took a sip. Afterward, he let out an exaggerated, "Ahhh."
He grinned, held up his mug, and said, "I likes my coffee like I likes my women: Tan and sweet!"
Not to be outdone, I held up my mug and said, "I likes my coffee like I likes my women: Black and strong."
We both grinned and turned to Mike. He was a few years older than us, and had a history of out-doing us on things like this. After eyeballing both of us for a long moment, he said, "Well, I likes my coffee like I likes my women. Been sitting around for a couple weeks, with chunky bits in the bottom and a big ring around the top."
Rick and I promptly lost some of our coffee, we were laughing so hard.
He grinned, held up his mug, and said, "I likes my coffee like I likes my women: Tan and sweet!"
Not to be outdone, I held up my mug and said, "I likes my coffee like I likes my women: Black and strong."
We both grinned and turned to Mike. He was a few years older than us, and had a history of out-doing us on things like this. After eyeballing both of us for a long moment, he said, "Well, I likes my coffee like I likes my women. Been sitting around for a couple weeks, with chunky bits in the bottom and a big ring around the top."
Rick and I promptly lost some of our coffee, we were laughing so hard.
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2020
- Posts
- 11,855
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, nursing his drink, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman sitting next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair to tell you, seeing as you're blind, that you should know five things."
After a significant pause, she continues, "The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a billy club. I'm a six foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. And finally, the woman to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler."
After another pause, she says, "Now think about it seriously, cowboy. Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, then mutters, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."
After sitting there for a while, nursing his drink, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman sitting next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair to tell you, seeing as you're blind, that you should know five things."
After a significant pause, she continues, "The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a billy club. I'm a six foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. And finally, the woman to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler."
After another pause, she says, "Now think about it seriously, cowboy. Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, then mutters, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."
Comshaw
VAGITARIAN
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2000
- Posts
- 12,005
THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are
from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by
an English professor at an American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
re-read what has been written each time in order to
keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
talking and anything you wish to say must be written
on the paper. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English
students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary
last name deleted.
------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea
she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her
favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her
too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at
all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much
her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was
out of the question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of
the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had
more important things to think about than the neuroses
of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat into the
cockpit.
------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but
not before he felt one last pang of regret for
psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for
him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose
one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
wistfully.
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10
seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city,
the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion
missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian
ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his
fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!
I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of
the sky!"
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
adolescent.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent
of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I
have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such
an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
Asshole.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Bitch.
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
Wanker.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
slut.
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
Get f*cked.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Eat shit.
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.
Comshaw
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are
from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by
an English professor at an American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
re-read what has been written each time in order to
keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
talking and anything you wish to say must be written
on the paper. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English
students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary
last name deleted.
------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea
she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her
favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her
too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at
all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much
her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was
out of the question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of
the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had
more important things to think about than the neuroses
of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat into the
cockpit.
------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but
not before he felt one last pang of regret for
psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for
him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose
one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
wistfully.
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10
seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city,
the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion
missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian
ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his
fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!
I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of
the sky!"
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
adolescent.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent
of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I
have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such
an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
Asshole.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Bitch.
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
Wanker.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
slut.
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
Get f*cked.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Eat shit.
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.
Comshaw
AG31
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2021
- Posts
- 3,364
So this means that no one can find a partner because all the people to the right of people are already paired up.
Britva415
"Alabaster," my ass
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2022
- Posts
- 4,426
Yeah, I thought it was going to be, passing each story all the way around the circle.
Smuttyandfun
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 19, 2018
- Posts
- 43,849
A woman is standing on a bridge, preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her
The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.
The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a new life.
The woman accepted his offer, and the next day he smuggled her onto the boat into one of the life rafts.
The next night when the sailor had finished his work he got some food and snuck it out to her, and the pair made love.
Every night for a month he would sneak food out to her and make sweet love to her.
After the month had passed, the captain found the life raft and the stowaway woman who quickly explained that she was snuck on by one of his sailors and that she just wanted to go to Europe and start a new life.
She explained that every night he would come to her and give her food and that they would fuck every night.
"Damn right, he's been fucking you," the captain said, "This boat is the local ferry."
The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.
The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a new life.
The woman accepted his offer, and the next day he smuggled her onto the boat into one of the life rafts.
The next night when the sailor had finished his work he got some food and snuck it out to her, and the pair made love.
Every night for a month he would sneak food out to her and make sweet love to her.
After the month had passed, the captain found the life raft and the stowaway woman who quickly explained that she was snuck on by one of his sailors and that she just wanted to go to Europe and start a new life.
She explained that every night he would come to her and give her food and that they would fuck every night.
"Damn right, he's been fucking you," the captain said, "This boat is the local ferry."
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
- Joined
- May 19, 2018
- Posts
- 6,220
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