More Humour

[Smuttyandfun]

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "What am I gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"That's a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"

"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

 

[Smuttyandfun]

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks”

To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”

And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!”

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church

beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Every letter in English is silent in some word. Except for the letter V.

It's only silent in the numbers IV, VI, and VIII.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

I accidentally mixed up "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza".

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

 

[Trionyx]

A future president was so awful that when he died, St. Peter told him he was going to Hell but there was a little problem. It seems Hell was too full so he took the dead president down and told him he would get to choose his eternal punishment which would let someone leave.

“You will be shown three doors and you decide which one you want.”

Behind door number one was George W Bush trudging around in a hot desert carrying a heavy military pack.

“No, I’ll try something else.”

Behind door number two was Obama swimming circles in some putrid African river.

“No, I’d like to see the next one.”

Behind door number three was Bill Clinton getting a blowjob from Monica.

“Yeah,” said the dead president, “I’ll take this one.”

“OK,” said St. Peter, “Monica, come on, you get to leave.”

 

[MediocreAuthor]

[I can't remember if I shared this one before or not]

Do you know what 6.9 is?

It's when you wanna 69, but your fucking period is in the way.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

[MillieDynamite]

Oh, my!

[I can't remember if I shared this one before or not]

Do you know what 6.9 is?

It's when you wanna 69, but your fucking period is in the way.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

 

[Smuttyandfun]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He asks her, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says, "No, I named myself." He says, "Why Carmen?" She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says, "Beerfuck."

 

[subdudeme13]

Oh, my!

I never let that stop me!

 

[TarnishedPenny]

A lovely Montréal call-girl was entertaining a client for the first time. It seemed that he had money to burn, for he kept extending his stay and asking for wilder and kinkier sex. She woke up next to him at the end of three days of non-stop rut to see him showering. As he was towelling himself off, he asks what he owes her. She thought a moment and said, “Ten thousand dollars.’

Without a qualm, he pulls out his wallet and starts counting out hundred dollar bills. She thanked him and said she hoped to see him soon.

“I’d like that,” he replied, “but I’m not often down here from Alberta.”

“Alberta!” she exclaims. “Isn’t that a coincidence! I’m from Alberta, too! Where in Alberta, exactly?”

“Tiny place,” he replies. “Rosebud.”

“Rosebud! Why, that’s where my granny lives!”

“I know,” he smiled, “I know her well.”

“Really?” the woman cried.

“Oh, yes,” he said, smiling. “As a matter of fact, when she heard I was coming out here, she gave me ten thousand dollars to give you.”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later​

The nun agreed…
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either...

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Three old ladies were sitting in their retirement home reminiscing​

The first old lady recalled shopping at the greengrocer’s, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber that she could once buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions also used to be much bigger and cheaper. She then used her hands to demonstrate the size of two big onions that she used to be able to buy for a penny each.
The third old lady remarked:
“I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Two Nuns are out cycling.

One says, 'I've never come this way before'

Second Nun, ' It must be the cobblestones'

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A penguin takes he car to the mechanic. The mechanic says give me an hour to diagnose the problem. The penguin goes to dairy queen but gets the ice cream all over his face and body because he has to eat it without hands. So he goes back to check on his car. The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "No it's just a little ice cream."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A family of three moles are burrowing underground when Papa Mole stops and pokes his head above ground.

He takes a big sniff. "Mmm... I smell pancakes!"

Mama Mole pokes her head above ground next to Papa Mole and takes a big whiff. "Mmm... I smell cookies!"

Baby Mole takes a big sniff. "... I smell molasses."

 

[RejectReality]

This one's been on here, but it was a long, long time ago.

Four Catholic girls are friends, and all on the same bus when it is involved in a terrible crash. They all end up together, waiting in line before the pearly gates. St. Peter calls the first girl forward and asks, "Have you followed the laws of chastity and abstained from the pleasures of the flesh outside of marriage?"

The girl blushes, and answers truthfully, "I kissed a boy once."

St. Peter nods and says, "Wash your lips there in the holy water. You will be absolved of your sins and allowed to enter the kingdom of heaven."

The girls washes her lips in the water, and the gates open, admitting her to heaven.

St. Peter calls the second girl forward and asks her the same question. She sheepishly admits, "I gave a boy a handjob once."

He responds, "Wash your hands there in the holy water. You will be absolved of your sins and allowed to enter the kingdom of heaven."

As with the first girl, when she washes her hands, the gates open and she enters heaven.

Just as St. Peter is about to call the third girl forward, the fourth girl steps around her and approaches him first.

Taken aback, St. Peter says, "Whoah. Whoah. Are you really cutting the line at the pearly gates?"

The girl says, "All I know is that if I have to gargle that stuff, I'm doing it before Becky sticks her ass in it."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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[MediocreAuthor]

A Pastor, A Priest, and a Rabbit are giving blood.

The phlebotomist asks them if they know their blood types. The Rabbit pricks up his long ears and responds, "I don't know about these other two, but I'm just about positive I'm a Type-O."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!