More Humour

[MillieDynamite]

No explanation is needed.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

“Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”

 

[MillieDynamite]

A big Japanese origami company went out of business; they folded, man, they just folded.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

This just came out of my keyboard while I was trying to write a story.

Reading experience of Literotica
Stacy was 25, with firm D-Cup boobs, perfect teeth, and a cheery attitude ...
CLOSE


You stand before me, kneeling ...
CLOSE


The Adventures of Mary Sue, Part 106 of ????
CLOSE


I know it has been 11 years since the last installment, but I hope to do better going forward ...
CLOSE


Self-Insert Man brandished his 3-foot prehensile, perpetually-erect dick at Voluptuous Girl ....
CLOSE


-Rocco

 

[MillieDynamite]

 

[StillStunned]

 

[TheLobster]

Interesting how he carefully avoided all those colourful words to which Brits, and mostly Brits, insist on adding a superfluous U

 

[StillStunned]

Interesting how he carefully avoided all those colourful words to which Brits, and mostly Brits, insist on adding a superfluous U

I was surprised he didn't go into all the "-ough" words, like thorough, through, thought and so on.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

"I" before "e" except after "c" or when your feisty foreign neighbor plans to heist a load of diamonds by sleight of hand.

 

[TheLobster]

I was surprised he didn't go into all the "-ough" words, like thorough, through, thought and so on.

English spelling can be learned. It requires tough thorough thought, though.

 

[Trionyx]

"I" before "e" except after "c" or when your feisty foreign neighbor plans to heist a load of diamonds by sleight of hand.

What a weird post.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

One of my English professors said, "The English language drags other languages into dark alleys, knocks them out, then robs them of any loose grammar."

Stole it from SFF reviewer James Davis Nicoll.

-Annie

 

[Candy_Kane54]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[Privates1stClass]

 

[Britva415]

What a weird post.

I see what you did there

 

[UsuallyPresent]

They're just pulling their tricksy tricks there. *nod*nod*

 

[Plathfan]

 

[Plathfan]

 

[WCSGarland]

The Four Kinds of Sex:

HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “Screw YOU”

COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

 

[Plathfan]

 

[theMasterBaiter]

"I didn't want to admit I was both gay and dyslexic, but I had to admit I was in Daniel." ... Think about it... Took me a second.

 

[TheLobster]

"I didn't want to admit I was both gay and dyslexic, but I had to admit I was in Daniel." ... Think about it... Took me a second.

I fail to see why it'd be gay to take a dip in that famous Egyptian river.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
your breasts" he says.

"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband"

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts
this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your
arse and lick it all off" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out." she storms

Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more
chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with Guinness, and then
drink every last drop".

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly

"What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his
head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick
it off" she screams.

"Right, he's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cunt with Guinness
and then drink it all" she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns
to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of
Guinness...

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."