Would someone care take a look at my ongoing Awakening series and give me feedback?

[Sai_dias_29]

I'm generally just looking for feedback on the writing -- and to extent on how the story is progressing -- because I want to know whether or not my writing has improved.

Here's the link to both stories: Awakening Pt. 1 Awakening Pt. 2

 

[SeraphNocturne]

I’ll be happy to do a review for you. I’ll try to get to it by this evening.

 

[Sai_dias_29]

I’ll be happy to do a review for you. I’ll try to get to it by this evening.

Thank you!

 

[SeraphNocturne]

Alright, so I did have a minute to get into the first Chapter, and here are my thoughts this far:

Your writing style is unique, in a way that it's almost painfully confusing to me at the beginning while still being intriguing enough for me to want to carry on the story, especially the first page. I had a hard time to make sense of who was speaking to who and absolutely had zero idea what they were talking about, but the more I read the more things seemed to link together, which made me happy. You have a few continuation errors that seemed like partially formed thoughts that did not quite finish, missing words and things like that--small errors that don't take away from the story but were noted.

As for the pacing--people enjoy linear time frames. I enjoy linear time frames. It gets really challenging to try and go back and forth in a story from one point, to a few hours later, a week ago, and back to present again while maintaining who is who, what's happening and where things are going, especially when we are being introduced to multiple gatherings of characters. Now, you may encounter readers who don't mind it, but most will thank you for keeping your story progressing in a straight line, for those with short attention spans (or mental ineptitudes like myself with ADHD) it can be nothing short of a nightmare to go from one interesting scene with a set of characters, to something happening three weeks earlier with an entirely different set.

I love that your characters seem to portray a different sort of world view with their culture, habits and mannerisms, honestly I really wish I saw more of it when it comes to stories here on Lit. With a bit of off site research I realized that their culture favors Indian culture. I do feel that if you provided a bit more context and connection to this, other potential readers wouldn't be turned off by feeling out of the loop, and would be more eager to carry on reading--I saw in the comments some readers had a hard time following.

Just adding a bit more detail on what they're referring to, or how they address one another can keep your writers interested and engaged. (I saw the endearment of Mama means Uncle, and without being earlier aware of this I was wondering if Elder Memmaram was speaking to Nasirah, because "Mama" typically is a female term of endearment here in America, and then I was like no, that can't be right.) Referencing Indian culture beyond just the style of dress they're wearing or titles of dishes most of us wouldn't know anything about as you go will help your readers to better connect to this world and the fact that we're reading about another culture, and give them a better understanding of your story.

That said, once it gets going, it was thoroughly enjoyable. Like incredibly so. The story from what I've gathered involving blood ties to magical abilities is phenomenal, I very much enjoy the direction things are going, and Arjun as he navigates this with his peers, family life and fellow power-wielders. Incest isn't exactly a forte of mine, but it's not a turn off either, and the way you wrote it was just marvelously entertaining. I enjoyed Jeena and Paul, and their third party Sonny. I enjoyed Arjun at school and struggling to come to terms with his newfound powers. It has amazing bones and shapes up to be incredibly interesting, I'm looking forward to taking a look at the next chapter. I'm rating it five stars, because as I said, it was very much entertaining, and if you'd like me to edit in my thoughts when I get to the next Chapter tonight I'll be happy to do that for you.

 

[Sai_dias_29]

Thank you so much for the feedback!!

if you'd like me to edit in my thoughts when I get to the next Chapter tonight I'll be happy to do that for you.

If you can point any errors or problem you think might be present in the story. I'd appreciate it. Since I'm not a professional writer, I'm trying my best to improve each time I write.

 

[SeraphNocturne]

I don’t mind at all, as soon as I get a moment I’ll screen shot and mark up what I noticed for you. Like I said the errors were very minor—your editors should’ve caught them.

That said, you’re doing a wonderful job… you don’t have to be a professional to be good at it or enjoy doing it, so don’t feel discouraged. I’ll say you’re doing much better than I did when I first began!

 

[Sai_dias_29]

your editors should’ve caught them.

I'm pretty sure that they did, and I ignored them during the correction phase, or accidentally deleted a word without noticing.