Any feedback/suggestions on my romantic stepsibling story

[Threepio10]

Okay, this is where I'm at right now.
In relatively short time I've publised my story "Laura and I, finally together" in three parts. You'll find them in my profile. But now I'm looking to rewrite the whole thing into a new, evolved, hopefully more consistent and complete story.

Introduction of the story:
It's about a step brother and sister that eventually find out that they love each other, and decide to give their romance a chance.

Quick confession ahead of time: the story started in my head as the thing that has now become part 3 of the story. An erotic, well, pornographic story where I wanted to write my own version of the stepsibling porn cliché into what I feel is the most believable, natural, version of this story that I can think of. This ultimately led me into writing a preamble (because I didn't just want to write a sex scene from point blank) which mainly consists of them talking, confessing their love, and exploring their thoughts, memories, doubts and fears. This then evolved into what is now part 1 and 2 of the story that I published.

Overal, I am pretty happy with what I wrote, and it kinda feels the way I wanted it in my head. Which, in itself, for me, is a worthy goal. They feel dear to my heart. I love reading it back myself, if that counts for something...

But... (BUT...)

I got some feedback on part 2 (oh yeah, here comes the feedback, isn't it always a party...) that got me thinking.
The feedback basically said; part 1 and 2 is too much talking, nothing happens, also part 2 doesn't add anything to part 1, and why don't we learn any specific details about who these 2 people really are?

While at first I was pretty irritated with this feedback (I confess), it did get me thinking. And I kinda do get that for a reader, unlike me who wrote the story, it might feel like that; all of those things that I mentioned.
So, if only because a) I have come to love the story and the characters in it very much and b) because I want to become a better writer, I have now set the goal for myself to write a completely new, hopefully even better version, from the ground up, but starting with the same basic ingredients that I already wrote.

I have decided:

1. The male character will get a name too, and I will drop the first person perspective.
2. The parents will now get names, and they will be featured frequently in the story.
3. I'm going to start at their young years, and tell various episodes throughout their life and how they came to this point
4. I (begrudgingly, lol) will add in details about their hobbies, interests, friends,
5. The story WILL tell this time around, what their respective history in terms of adoption was.

I say begrudgingly, because 4 and 5 (and to a lesser extent 3 and 2) I kinda left them out *on purpose* from the trilogy that I published. Because I felt like I could write a story that was universal, and that would feel believable no matter what the answer to these questions are. In my mind it didn't really matter for the conversation they had, for their major doubts, fears and feelings.
But I am gladly going to give this challenge a chance that I put upon myself.

6. What won't change, is they are still both adopted, from different families/mothers. So they are not biologically related to either parent, nor to each other. And also what will stay the same is the boy will still be 7 weeks older than the girl.

Content - Chapter list
Right now I'm thinking this is going to be the chapters; this might be extended or mixed up later:
The numbers refer to the chronology of the "stations" as I like to call them. The order of this list, is the order I plan to write and publish the chapters in.

( Oh yeah, and I'm thinking I'm not going to publish it episodically anymore; this one is going to be finished when it's finished.)

7. Walking into the room (age 19/20-ish) - one of them walks into the other's room and awkwardly starts a conversation, which after a lot of rumination and prodding ultimately leads to them both confessing their love to each other. Might move the latter part of this to the end.
1. Talk about birth mothers (age 7). We see an episode of the parents casually, during other daily activities, mentioning to them during their young years, the fact that both of them have different birth mothers; making them accustomed with the subject, and gradually filling in more details as they get older.
5. At the schoolyard (age 16-ish) We see an episode at school and find out both kids want to hang out with each other, but feel awkward around other kids, who expect stereotypical brother-sister behavior from them. They tend to gravitate towards each other, I'm thinking maybe because of shared experiences, maybe because of unpleasant (unrelated) experiences that they had separately.
2. Talks about adoption (age 11-ish). The parents talk to them to fill in the major details of how and why they were adopted. They do this with each kid separately to respect their privacy; and they do this one year prior to their 12th birthday, where the law says they legally have the right to open their own file. They tell them that they may choose wich details to share with even their stepsibling, the same as with other people outside of the house; even though it pretty soon becomes clear that they will both choose to fill each other in completely, within no time.
6. The Party (age 17-ish) I'm thinking this is kind of a sequal chapter to 5. This time in another setting, maybe a party at some other kid's place, where again they find out that their relationship is different from other kids with their siblings. They feel completely comfortable hanging out with each other in a friendly way, but not everybody understands this; and/or also they are both affraid of what other peoples' reactions might be if they are seen hanging out together too much.
4. Talks about being in love (age 12) - I want the parents to kind of have an awkward conversation with each of them separately, about: "what are you going to do if you fall in love with someone?" The fact being that both kids are now old enough to understand that they are not biologically related. I am thinking the parents don't necessarily want to explicitly forbid anything, realizing full well that life isn't cut neatly with a pair of scissors (this is going to be a quote in the story!). But they are going to have an obligatory conversation with both of them about being brother/sister, but not really, but still kinda, so... they want to be sure that they don't gravitate towards each other too much merely because of opportunity, or because it's easy. They're going to encourage them to find their own friends and hobbies. Also because I think at this point the parents are starting to realize that both kids are starting to grow closer and closer by the day because of shared interests, because of being pretty much the exact same age, and because of shared personal experiences.
3. Parents talking - I am not sure this chapter is necessary, or can be included in other chapters. But I want the parents to have a serious talk to each other, without the kids present, about: "what are we going to do with them, when they grow up?" How far are we going to lay out rules, and which things do we not have any influence on? As you can see this is number 3, so I am thinking chronologically, this is going to be around the kids being 11/12-ish in age, so somewhere between chapters 2 and 4.
8. Fears and doubts - Continuation of where the story opened (age 19-20-ish). We're still in one of their bedrooms where they just started an awkward fragile conversation. They find out they are in love, and maybe have been for a long time, and maybe it was even inevitable, or at least it feels that way to them. They feel they can't go back to being "just friends" because they never were that, and also they can't go back to being "just brother/sister", because they never were and certainly never will be again either.
9. Ending? I'm not sure yet about the ending. I'm gonna be honest, I want them to just get together, and I want the parents to ultimately accept/understand it. But I'm not sure I should give in to this temptation? People seem to love open endings... even though I kinda don't.

Oh yeah and 10.... last but not least.
To my frustration, at this point I have no idea what I'm going to do with the original erotic/pornographic last chapter. Just keep it in and make it chapter 10? Won't it stick out like a sore thumb? Like won't it be a sudden change of tone/content that a lot of people can't handle? Even though I kinda feel the desire/wish that it MUST end that way.

I have already started writing 1. and 2. (parents talk to them at age 7 and age 11). Sneak peak of what I discovered so far:
* The girl is pretty smart, and verbally quick, and is always one step ahead of both her parents, and her stepbrother.
* The girl has zero patience for other people's unpleasant reactions about them being adopted, maybe even to the point of being a little naive
* The girl was adopted from a troubled family who couldn't take care of her, at about 6 or 7 months old.
* The boy was adopted from a teenage mother (age 17) when he was only 4 weeks old.
* So, since in my mind the boy and girl are about the same age (7 weeks age difference between them), that means the boy was adopted about 5 to 6 months before the family received the girl.

Any constructive criticism is welcome!
In the meantime if you want, please do read chapters 1/2/3 of the original, first incarnation (pun not intended) of this story. I will cherish them no matter what happens with version 2.0.

P.S. Standard disclaimer. My first language isn't English. I'm Dutch. I hope you don't notice, but if you do please let me know. Again any constructive criticism is welcome.

 

[Threepio10]

P.P.S.:

I'm not sure you can find my profile with my published works by clicking on my username in this bulletin board. So just to be sure, here's my profile.

Oh, and oops, I see now that at the time of me posting this, part three of the trilogy is still stuck in moderation limbo.
I hope it will be up soon!
For any Dutch people, or people who are very curious/impatient and know how to use Google translate, you can read it here already:
https://www.opwindend.net/Sexverhaal-71636_Maike-En-Ik-Eindelijk-Samen-3.html

 

[ElectricBlue]

P.S. Standard disclaimer. My first language isn't English. I'm Dutch. I hope you don't notice, but if you do please let me know. Again any constructive criticism is welcome.

You've got far too many under 18 age references going on. You're going to give yourself a tough time telling the story with so many young child, young teenager, references in the plotline.

Remember, you can't detail any sexual encounter in detail until your characters are eighteen plus - a story full of one sentence references is going to get very dull very quickly. You might want to rethink alike of the background.

 

[Threepio10]

You've got far too many under 18 age references going on. You're going to give yourself a tough time telling the story with so many young child, young teenager, references in the plotline.

Remember, you can't detail any sexual encounter in detail until your characters are eighteen plus - a story full of one sentence references is going to get very dull very quickly. You might want to rethink alike of the background.

Just to be clear, the characters are going to be 19/20-ish when they get together.
The underage references are all backstory of their childhood and growing up.
There is going to be zero sexual encounters or reference to sexual encounters in their backstory before that age. And also zero explicitly romantic encounters between them. They are growing up fond of each other, like a (step)brother and (step)sister who get along really well and have shared experiences in life, but they'll be 19-20ish before they it evolves into more than that, and before they realize this.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Just to be clear, the characters are going to be 19/20-ish when they get together.
The underage references are all backstory of their childhood and growing up.
There is going to be zero sexual encounters or reference to sexual encounters in their backstory before that age. And also zero explicitly romantic encounters between them. They are growing up fond of each other, like a (step)brother and (step)sister who get along really well and have shared experiences in life, but they'll be 19-20ish before they it evolves into more than that, and before they realize this.

Yes, I get that, but you could get at least one automatic bounce back, because a text bot would pick up on multiple under age references.

Also, ask yourself whether your story really needs all that back story. We all have childhoods, but we don't always bring them into our adult sex lives. It sounds more like a life history than an erotic story.

 

[8letters]

I liked the story. I liked that the focus was on that they get along so well and not that she has a great body. I like dialog, and the story had lots of dialog.

First off, I think this story will get a better reception in Incest/Taboo than Romance. The "Taboo" part of the category name covers this type of story, where there is family/societal disapproval of the relationship. If you are going to rewrite it and republish it, I suggest republishing it there.

Secondly, I recommend reading my list of writing tips, which is in my signature. I lot of my feedback would match that.

Thirdly, I think the story would be better if it had more of a plot and more action. Maybe Laura and the narrator have been hired to clear out an old shed, and they talk as they do so? They have privacy in the shed, but won't when they are done. Add them accidentally touching each other and later a kiss?

Fourthly, I think the story would be better with some indecision. Is Laura really suggesting what the narrator hopes she is suggesting? Oh, they can't. What of their parents? But the feelings of being so right together. We'll just kiss and see how that feels. Etc.

Edit: Also, the chapters are too short. I'm just starting to get into the story when the chapter ends. I think you should bundle them all up in a stand-alone story. With this kind of story, the longer the story, the better response you're going to get from the readership.

 

[Threepio10]

I liked the story. I liked that the focus was on that they get along so well and not that she has a great body. I like dialog, and the story had lots of dialog.

First off, I think this story will get a better reception in Incest/Taboo than Romance. The "Taboo" part of the category name covers this type of story, where there is family/societal disapproval of the relationship. If you are going to rewrite it and republish it, I suggest republishing it there.

Secondly, I recommend reading my list of writing tips, which is in my signature. I lot of my feedback would match that.

Thirdly, I think the story would be better if it had more of a plot and more action. Maybe Laura and the narrator have been hired to clear out an old shed, and they talk as they do so? They have privacy in the shed, but won't when they are done. Add them accidentally touching each other and later a kiss?

Fourthly, I think the story would be better with some indecision. Is Laura really suggesting what the narrator hopes she is suggesting? Oh, they can't. What of their parents? But the feelings of being so right together. We'll just kiss and see how that feels. Etc.

Edit: Also, the chapters are too short. I'm just starting to get into the story when the chapter ends. I think you should bundle them all up in a stand-alone story. With this kind of story, the longer the story, the better response you're going to get from the readership.

Thanks for your suggestions. I like the idea of 'action' such as clearing out the shed, or whatever daily task, even if I don't know I'd like it in this (the already published incarnation) of my story. But I'm definitely gonna try that in the future. Maybe I'll give them new names and changes some details to not make it feel like I'm writing and rewriting the same story over and over again, haha.

Anyway thanks for your kind words. If only for the fact that I'm happy to hear someone else besides make likes dialogue.

I'm pondering your comments about the chapters being too short. I assume you mean the trilogy I already published, and not my 9 chapter concept I outlined in this thread. I kinda get what you're saying; if I was the reader I wouldn't mind it being published as one single thing. I am balancing between different sites where I publish... I've also published the original Dutch versions on a Dutch website, and they seem to love shorter, episodic (mini)series. Different preferences in different websites I guess.

And I'll take a look at your writing tips!

 

[Threepio10]

Yes, I get that, but you could get at least one automatic bounce back, because a text bot would pick up on multiple under age references.

Also, ask yourself whether your story really needs all that back story. We all have childhoods, but we don't always bring them into our adult sex lives. It sounds more like a life history than an erotic story.

I get your concern about bots... but frankly I'll write it the way I want to write it, instead of censoring myself just for bots that might misunderstand my work. I'll definitely keep your warning in mind though when publishing such a thing on websites like these!

As for the back story and whether it's "necessary"... in the version I have in mind now, the back story will become it's own valuable part of a story, yes indeed maybe a life history as you call it, instead of just a buildup to an erotic climax. If that makes it unsuitable for this erotic website or it's reader base, well that's just too bad...

I'm not writing the back story just because it's necessary as a buildup at this point; I'm writing it because I enjoy writing and researching it in itself. I'm actually enjoying doing research into adoption and adopted children, what challenges the kids and the parents face, and also what taboos are alive, and which differing views exist on the matter even within the community of adopting parents... You'll quickly find this out through a few Google searches such as "what to do if your kid falls in love with their step sibling". You'll quickly end up on parenting bulletin boards that open up a can of worms.

I'm deep enough into the subject at this point that it feels wrong/icky to just use all of it to merely justify an erotic ending. There's more to be said here, and I want to do the subject justice at this point.

 

[Threepio10]

I liked the story. I liked that the focus was on that they get along so well and not that she has a great body. I like dialog, and the story had lots of dialog.

First off, I think this story will get a better reception in Incest/Taboo than Romance. The "Taboo" part of the category name covers this type of story, where there is family/societal disapproval of the relationship. If you are going to rewrite it and republish it, I suggest republishing it there.

Secondly, I recommend reading my list of writing tips, which is in my signature. I lot of my feedback would match that.

Thirdly, I think the story would be better if it had more of a plot and more action. Maybe Laura and the narrator have been hired to clear out an old shed, and they talk as they do so? They have privacy in the shed, but won't when they are done. Add them accidentally touching each other and later a kiss?

Fourthly, I think the story would be better with some indecision. Is Laura really suggesting what the narrator hopes she is suggesting? Oh, they can't. What of their parents? But the feelings of being so right together. We'll just kiss and see how that feels. Etc.

Edit: Also, the chapters are too short. I'm just starting to get into the story when the chapter ends. I think you should bundle them all up in a stand-alone story. With this kind of story, the longer the story, the better response you're going to get from the readership.

One more thing, in regards to your fourth point.
I tried to put all of that indecision, testing the water, are we on the same page here, etc. into the conversation in parts 1 and 2 of the story. Even though clearly I chose to have them resolve that indecision eventually to make the story progress.

If you have any specific advice what you would have done more/less/differently in that regard, I'm happy to hear any suggestions.

 

[8letters]

One more thing, in regards to your fourth point.
I tried to put all of that indecision, testing the water, are we on the same page here, etc. into the conversation in parts 1 and 2 of the story. Even though clearly I chose to have them resolve that indecision eventually to make the story progress.

If you have any specific advice what you would have done more/less/differently in that regard, I'm happy to hear any suggestions.

Let me warn you, my natural inclination when giving feedback is to pull out a flamethrower. I'll try to be not overly harsh. Please forgive me if I am.

I thought your introduction took any uncertainty out of the story. In the Intro, he knows Laura's feelings, and they match his own. In "The bench in my room", she says that sounds like a first step, he responds positively and says he wants to be closer to her, and she responds positively and says, "I want to be with you." If the story is a journey that Laura and the narrator go on, then they are on a super-wide path heading toward an obvious destination.

I write very convoluted stories. The path the characters take twists and turns with no obvious path to them being together. I'm not saying make your story like that, but I think the story would be better if the reader can't see the destination from the beginning of the story.

In regards to including history in the story, I'm guessing all that will do is to widen the path that Laura and the narrator are on. It doesn't need to be any wider.

 

[Threepio10]

Let me warn you, my natural inclination when giving feedback is to pull out a flamethrower. I'll try to be not overly harsh. Please forgive me if I am.

I thought your introduction took any uncertainty out of the story. In the Intro, he knows Laura's feelings, and they match his own. In "The bench in my room", she says that sounds like a first step, he responds positively and says he wants to be closer to her, and she responds positively and says, "I want to be with you." If the story is a journey that Laura and the narrator go on, then they are on a super-wide path heading toward an obvious destination.

I write very convoluted stories. The path the characters take twists and turns with no obvious path to them being together. I'm not saying make your story like that, but I think the story would be better if the reader can't see the destination from the beginning of the story.

In regards to including history in the story, I'm guessing all that will do is to widen the path that Laura and the narrator are on. It doesn't need to be any wider.

Okay, thanks for clarifying in any case.
I'll see if I can use it.