Women of Lit: A Safe Place To Share

[Strixaluco]

I know how you feel. Maybe that's a side of me that I need to explore.

I recognised that side of me while reading thread Daddy's Little Girl. Or the 3 of them that existed at the time - now there's even a fourth one but the earliest ones may be best for exploring the thing. Yes, I actually ended up reading whole 3 threads on it!

Oh and it's a safe place, too! Any hungry or ill-behaving "Daddies" are chased away. Those who seem safe are accepted. The kind that do not try to assume things. They may build us blanket fortresses and serve hot chocolate.

 

[v_indigo]

Thank you for writing to me, it makes me feel warm inside to know that someone hears me and actually does listen to what I have to say. I've been bottling so much inside and I think this is the main reason why I got so scared when it came to expressing myself about sex, due to being abused by my ex boyfriend and the way he treated me was horrible. A lot more has happened with him but I rather share this privately. Always fearing people will judge me, criticize me, and just view me as I'm broken.

After my brother ended his life, I completely fell apart and couldn't even talk to anyone without breaking down. I had a lot of triggers and felt ashamed anytime I felt happy, I felt guilty. It's as though I didn't want to feel happy, because it meant I wasn't grieving over my brother's death. The isolation part is what truly depressed me and I knew I couldn't live like that anymore, that I needed to talk to people and try to heal past everything.

It took me a long time to come back on here but I knew I needed to heal a bit before I spoke to anyone because I cried a lot and got angry over things. I felt so many different emotions, and I kept it all inside and didn't want to tell anyone what I was feeling because I already lost enough friends. Right now I'm in therapy and healing past certain things. Triggers happen every so often and I still cry over my brother's death, but I'm not isolating myself anymore. I'm beginning to accept my faults, what happened with my ex-boyfriend and dealing with my brother's death. It's still tough but I know I am strong and I am still capable of love. Once a guy was interested in me and once he heard about my brother's death, he said, "I didn't sign up for this." and ghosted me. It looks like I dodged a bullet because I'd rather someone support me than treat me as if I was a burden. Waited awhile before opening up to him but I told him this once we built trust between us. It didn't upset me though because I realized I deserve better than that. Thank you for hearing me, responding to me and making me feel warm inside, and not treating me as if I was a burden. It means the world to me.

You are NEVER a burden here. Ever.

 

[Strixaluco]

Once a guy was interested in me and once he heard about my brother's death, he said, "I didn't sign up for this." and ghosted me.

Oh dear. Indeed, you certainly dodged a bullet. That kind of a person would probably not be supporting in even less serious circumstances. I just wonder how he's gonna survive life. It doesn't ask if you signed up for beloved ones dying, or other hardships in life. It also doesn't ask how much you can take, you just have to cope with whatever you get.

In my language there's a song about how to recognise friends. They are those who stay around when you have hard times. And widows tend to know that by experience. I was lucky to not loose any of mine - maybe because they were "weather-proofed" already way before my husband died...

I hope you can already feel happy without guilt. Sorrow runs much deeper, below the daily emotions. And there's no one right way to mourn.

 

[SofiaLaFrench]

I recognised that side of me while reading thread Daddy's Little Girl. Or the 3 of them that existed at the time - now there's even a fourth one but the earliest ones may be best for exploring the thing. Yes, I actually ended up reading whole 3 threads on it!

Oh and it's a safe place, too! Any hungry or ill-behaving "Daddies" are chased away. Those who seem safe are accepted. The kind that do not try to assume things. They may build us blanket fortresses and serve hot chocolate.

I'm going to find those threads and do some exploring myself. Thank you, lovie!

 

[titimprint]

Women supporting women and lifting them up! I am here for this! No matter what you are struggling with, whether it is big or small, complex or seemingly simple, I’m sending big love and hugs your way ❤

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

Right now I'm in therapy and healing past certain things. Triggers happen every so often and I still cry over my brother's death, but I'm not isolating myself anymore. I'm beginning to accept my faults, what happened with my ex-boyfriend and dealing with my brother's death. It's still tough but I know I am strong and I am still capable of love. Once a guy was interested in me and once he heard about my brother's death, he said, "I didn't sign up for this." and ghosted me. It looks like I dodged a bullet because I'd rather someone support me than treat me as if I was a burden. Waited awhile before opening up to him but I told him this once we built trust between us. It didn't upset me though because I realized I deserve better than that. Thank you for hearing me, responding to me and making me feel warm inside, and not treating me as if I was a burden. It means the world to me.

There's so many positive things that you said in this last paragraph. There's so many things you said that obviously comes from a place of strength within you. I'm genuinely happy for you and proud of you. It's very evident that you've been putting in the effort to heal, to grow, to move forward, and it's honestly very beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing. I love your introspection. Like, you're clearly learning to live with yourself, respect yourself, and give yourself grace. I don't think a lot of women understand the importance of learning how to be in a healthy, nurturing relationship with yourself. So many people around us are insistent on tearing us down and if we can't be the ones to tell ourselves, "it's okay, you'll get through it," then we end up forever searching for a savior in other fallible humans. But it starts with caring about ourselves, first. Amethy (that's your nickname now ), in case you didn't know, let me tell you: you're doing so well and making great progress.
Obviously, healing isn't linear & we all stumble backwards sometimes, but know that you're creating a practical path forward for yourself each day that you just try.
Gosh, keep going !

 

[stickygirl]

~snip~ It took me a long time to come back on here but I knew I needed to heal a bit before I spoke to anyone because I cried a lot and got angry over things. ~snip~

Thanks for your post but that sentence jumped out because I didn't want the trolls to single you out. I'm gonna state the obvious, but Lit is a festering heap of perverts - some nice perverts, but mostly 'meh maybe not'.

Be liberal with your use of the Ignore button and if there's things you don't want to discuss in the thread then maybe one of the regulars here - the Lit Aunties - can take a private message.

 

[Christy2Cum]

This thread should be renamed "The strong and courageous women of Lit who overcome obstacles and bullshit that would kill any man".

Might need some word-smithing but just a rough draft.

I am so deeply touched by everyone's stories here and feel lucky that I have not experienced anything even remotely close to that, asshole ex sure but nothing I couldn't handle.

Sending all of you love and hugs and kisses!

Christy

 

[lil_jenni]

I had a lot of triggers and felt ashamed anytime I felt happy, I felt guilty. It's as though I didn't want to feel happy, because it meant I wasn't grieving over my brother's death.

First, *hugs*

Second, I went through similar emotions when my cousin took her life. She'd been my hero, and much more like a big sister, especially given I don't have siblings. She was also complicit in the abuse I suffered at the hands of her boyfriend, although she was as much a victim (fuck, I hate that word) of him as I was. She died full of regret and guilt. I had long before told her she had nothing to feel guilty about because the asshole predator preyed on us both, but she couldn't hear that. So when she died, I blamed myself because I thought there must have been a way I could have gotten through to her. To this day, I can't think about her without that feeling I should have done more to help her, and been able to find the right words to make her see it wasn't her fault and that I never blamed her. I know better, but I can't help the feelings.

And I wish I could say those feelings go away. The saying is that time heals all wounds, but I think that's bullshit. Time allows us to refocus, to accept, to redirect, to help ourselves not blame ourselves when we feel happy despite the wounds to hearts and soul. But the wounds are there. The love we felt and the pain of its loss makes it impossible to truly heal... but now I can think of happy times I had with my cousin without breaking down. And I can redirect my guilt and grief most of the time, because I do have those happy memories as well as good things in my life now on which I can focus.

I know words are of little comfort, and I don't know if I expressed myself well anyway, but just know you are not alone in your pain and grief... We grieve for different people, but we are united by our grief.

 

[Yesok1]

I'm so sorry to read how you have been treated and the losses you have endured.

I cannot imagine the pain you are going through, but you are strong people, you fight 'til the next day and the next. You should be proud of yourselves.

I send you love.

 

[Redxxjinx]

So I’m new to the site, and I’m wondering.. why do so many men think that I want to send them photos or be their “sub” right out the gate?
Like… yes I’m a sub but I don’t just do it for shits and giggles.

 

[SofiaLaFrench]

Those are the ones with a significant grey-matter deficit (their only brain is in the head of their penis). Make liberal use of the Ignore button.

 

[Redxxjinx]

Those are the ones with a significant grey-matter deficit (their only brain is in the head of their penis). Make liberal use of the Ignore button.

Oh I have lol. Just surprises me how much they believe they’re entitled.

 

[v_indigo]

My brain isn’t braining well today, but I felt the need to say just how much I love this group.
I had another account here for a long time, and had a ‘home’ in the Lounge on Lit. That faded away ages ago. It’s nice to have a bit of that feeling again.

 

[lil_jenni]

So I’m new to the site, and I’m wondering.. why do so many men think that I want to send them photos or be their “sub” right out the gate?
Like… yes I’m a sub but I don’t just do it for shits and giggles.

It is a common experience, here, and not just for those of us who identify as subs. However, I will say the online wannabe "Doms" are some of the most egregious offenders.

I'd suggest putting your limits in your profile. It won't stop the nonsense, but my experience is it reduces it. Also, you can use invisible mode (it's a setting in the privacy settings... it was discussed earlier in this thread). I find a receive fewer nonsense PMs because a lot if these guys send PMs when they see you are online.

Of course, you'll still get asshats. I recently got rid of a big one by talking about his bullshit on this thread. I have another who tried to neg me, but I called him in his bullshit, leading to a post in which he said I was not worth the effort. I replied with . Last night he PMed me with "please stop replying to me," to which I responded with . If he keeps it up, I'll keep replying with emojis. I mean, why not have a little fun with the asshats, right?

 

[Redxxjinx]

It is a common experience, here, and not just for those of us who identify as subs. However, I will say the online wannabe "Doms" are some of the most egregious offenders.

I'd suggest putting your limits in your profile. It won't stop the nonsense, but my experience is it reduces it. Also, you can use invisible mode (it's a setting in the privacy settings... it was discussed earlier in this thread). I find a receive fewer nonsense PMs because a lot if these guys send PMs when they see you are online.

Of course, you'll still get asshats. I recently got rid of a big one by talking about his bullshit on this thread. I have another who tried to neg me, but I called him in his bullshit, leading to a post in which he said I was not worth the effort. I replied with . Last night he PMed me with "please stop replying to me," to which I responded with . If he keeps it up, I'll keep replying with emojis. I mean, why not have a little fun with the asshats, right.

omfg that’s amazing.

 

[v_indigo]

It is a common experience, here, and not just for those of us who identify as subs. However, I will say the online wannabe "Doms" are some of the most egregious offenders.

I'd suggest putting your limits in your profile. It won't stop the nonsense, but my experience is it reduces it. Also, you can use invisible mode (it's a setting in the privacy settings... it was discussed earlier in this thread). I find a receive fewer nonsense PMs because a lot if these guys send PMs when they see you are online.

Of course, you'll still get asshats. I recently got rid of a big one by talking about his bullshit on this thread. I have another who tried to neg me, but I called him in his bullshit, leading to a post in which he said I was not worth the effort. I replied with . Last night he PMed me with "please stop replying to me," to which I responded with . If he keeps it up, I'll keep replying with emojis. I mean, why not have a little fun with the asshats, right.

You are my hero

 

[Strixaluco]

There's no limit to the amount of men feeling entitled, or to how entitled they may feel themselves. And that kind of men are WAY more likely to PM women than the good kind.

The message from the good kind pretty much never come totally out of the blue - they are normally from someone you've interacted already. And very often they have a question in the topic, such that you already know it's not a request for a photo or a dicpick. It may even be "Are you ok?" at times.

 

[SofiaLaFrench]

I often use the line from @InCNCestBangPie: no, you're not as witty as your testosterone tells you.

 

[Zrosey]

Last night he PMed me with "please stop replying to me," to which I responded with . If he keeps it up, I'll keep replying with emojis. I mean, why not have a little fun with the asshats, right.

I love this gotta enjoy "twisting the blade" a little when you get the chance!

 

[stickygirl]

This happened to me too and it honestly turned me off. The whole BDSM thing did because I kept coming across men who thought they could own me and control me almost instantly. I didn't feel like they truly cared about me as a person. There's some Doms who only focus on the sex and nothing more and it's much more than than. Their supposed to care about your sexual needs, emotional needs, support you and guide you slowly. Just be weary and trust your gut feelings.

It seems to me that the rightful order should be: meet a hot guy, develop a good rapport, introduce a mutually agreed BDSM relationship. Cut the middle bit out and you've got coercion and rape.

 

[v_indigo]

It seems to me that the rightful order should be: meet a hot guy, develop a good rapport, introduce a mutually agreed BDSM relationship. Cut the middle bit out and you've got coercion and rape.

This. All this. But, of course, predators aren't fond of this process.

 

[Strixaluco]

This happened to me too and it honestly turned me off. The whole BDSM thing did because I kept coming across men who thought they could own me and control me almost instantly. I didn't feel like they truly cared about me as a person. There's some Doms who only focus on the sex and nothing more and it's much more than than. Their supposed to care about your sexual needs, emotional needs, support you and guide you slowly. Just be weary and trust your gut feelings.

Those who try to impose themselves and start to control off the bat are often not even in the bdsm community. Often they also know very little, if anything about the basics of BDSM - like the need to aftercare. The ones that claim to be "experienced Doms" are usually totally unexperienced wannabes.

The actually experienced ones know enough to not start like that. They know how much can go wrong. How you should even be careful with whom to start anything with.

 

[Strixaluco]

It seems to me that the rightful order should be: meet a hot guy, develop a good rapport, introduce a mutually agreed BDSM relationship. Cut the middle bit out and you've got coercion and rape.

This worked well: go to a local bdsm munch, meet a nice guy there - who appears to a Dom, chat nicely with the group all evening, get asked to a date. Actually meet several times in the munch, among other people but focusing on each other and...
Discuss limits. Limits, especially those of the sub. And yet refining the critical parts of some limits. Discussing wants and needs, too.
Spend time approaching each other slowly, like testing how it might be to be together. Even the first "real date" still in a public place.

And then after almost 4 weeks, finally meeting in private. Definitely some D/s, but not even loosing panties yet. The slow approach continues, no jumping straight to the deep end.

Admittedly, we didn't talk about feelings for many months - the procedure above would have been the same for someone only wanting the bdsm part in the relationship, and there are many such. But that was over 18 months ago. I introduced him to my parents last summer. And he calls me the most important person in his life.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

So I’m new to the site, and I’m wondering.. why do so many men think that I want to send them photos or be their “sub” right out the gate?
Like… yes I’m a sub but I don’t just do it for shits and giggles.

In addition to what these other ladies are saying, there's also the elephant in the room of some guys specifically flocking to new accounts that claim to be women. Take this thread for example. We know how unnecessarily shitty some of these guys can be on here. But the new women don't. It's amazing how your PMs can get filled without any AV pic & barely any posts; the strength of your genitalia, alone, does that.
So, why not be disgustingly demanding to the newbie? After all, you're only on here for sex, right?

You couldn't pay some of these fools to get a clue.