What the heck; I'll review your story for you! (Part II)

[Carnevil9]

Hey, I've got a little free time these days. I did this a few years ago and it was a lot of fun. If anyone is interested, post a link to one of your best stories, and I'll read it and post feedback here. A few caveats, though:

1. Only one to a customer. So send me your best one! Put the link here in a post, along with the title and category.

2. Keep it short. Maximum of two, maybe two and a half pages. I'm a slow reader (my lips get tired). If you only write long stories, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

3. I'll read any category, but be aware there are some that I don't normally read (like Gay Male or BDSM), so my assessments may not be typical of your normal readership.

4. If your prose is atrocious (their/there/they're, your/you're, or fakakta punctuation or spelling) I may bale out after the first paragraph.

5. Be patient. I'll probably only get to three or four a week, maybe less.

6. I reserve the right to pull the plug on this at any time. Life has a way of bombarding you with work just when you think you have time for a breather.

Okay, who's first?..........Carney



edit: previous review thread: https://forum.literotica.com/threads/what-the-heck-ill-review-your-story-for-you.1468857/

 

[Lifestyle66]

I looked through my stories to see which were less than two pages. The one I would really appreciate feedback is my latest "Lifestyle Ch 11 Demons Past", but it's three pages.

So, I would like you to try "Lifestyle Ch 05: Newbies". It's two pages and the middle of my swinger series, when they encounter their first swap couple. It's posted to Loving Wives, and received the usual comments "Gross", "Why be married" etc. from those haters. I don't think you need to read the preceding chapters to understand the story.

 

[Carnevil9]

I looked through my stories to see which were less than two pages. The one I would really appreciate feedback is my latest "Lifestyle Ch 11 Demons Past", but it's three pages.

So, I would like you to try "Lifestyle Ch 05: Newbies". It's two pages and the middle of my swinger series, when they encounter their first swap couple. It's posted to Loving Wives, and received the usual comments "Gross", "Why be married" etc. from those haters. I don't think you need to read the preceding chapters to understand the story.

Thanks for stepping up! I won't do a plot synopsis, as you pretty much summed that up in the quote above.

I think you did a good job of capturing the swinger lifestyle. I'm not into it myself, but I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who are, and your characters and situations rang very true to me based on what I've observed in real life. All the haters in the comments just don't understand that this is a real thing.

Also, your command of the mechanics of writing is better than most. In terms of spelling, grammar, punctuation, typos, etc., it was very well done.

What I didn't care for was that the story was very "talky." That is, you seemed to be communicating information to the reader through dialogue. That's fine, but I think it's possible to overdo it, and then it starts to feel odd and unrealistic.

Also, it is written in first person from the husband's perspective, but there is very little inner thoughts or feelings communicated. In fact, after I read it, I had to go back and check if it was in first person or third, because I couldn't remember any inner feelings. In a story that is all about people pushing their boundaries, I think that could have used more emphasis.

Finally, I'm sorry, but I found the sex scenes very mechanical. Here, again, some inner first-person real time commentary and emotions would have helped a lot.

Overall, though, I thought it was an interesting story about an interesting situation, and well worth the time it took to read.

 

[gunhilltrain]

This is nice and short, and I hope it gives a sense of time and place.

Springtime At The Paradise

It was in the Toys and Masturbation category.

 

[Carnevil9]

This is nice and short, and I hope it gives a sense of time and place.

Springtime At The Paradise

It was in the Toys and Masturbation category.

I really liked this little slice-of-life piece. There isn't a whole lot of plot; mostly just two college students on a date and reminiscing about their "past" two years ago! The easy-going well-polished prose made reading it a joy, and the gentle banter of the characters, along with the inner thoughts of the narrator, all rang true. The sex was short but hot, and clearly wasn't the point of the story.

Lots of nice nostalgia here for the seventies, which also hit me in the feels. I'm probably about the same age as you, and was in college in the seventies, and spent a lot of time in movie theaters, so I'm the perfect target audience.

Good job!

 

[Carnevil9]

By the bye, if anyone else wants to jump in and review these offerings too, go ahead! Plenty of room in he pool.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I really liked this little slice-of-life piece. There isn't a whole lot of plot; mostly just two college students on a date and reminiscing about their "past" two years ago! The easy-going well-polished prose made reading it a joy, and the gentle banter of the characters, along with the inner thoughts of the narrator, all rang true. The sex was short but hot, and clearly wasn't the point of the story.

Lots of nice nostalgia here for the seventies, which also hit me in the feels. I'm probably about the same age as you, and was in college in the seventies, and spent a lot of time in movie theaters, so I'm the perfect target audience.

Good job!

Thank you! I just turned sixty-seven last month. I did have a girlfriend at that time - she didn't look much like Michelle, but we did feel comfortable together in a similar way. We certainly never had explicit contact in a movie theater. I did see The Day of the Locust around that time, but I saw it alone - I don't remember her being interested in it.

 

[dmallord]

Found one short enough for your review! Thanks for the offer! It is posted in incest and taboo. Although this scene does not play upon the theme as the characters are between experiences at the moment it takes place.

https://www.literotica.com/s/good-bye-my-love

 

[Carnevil9]

Found one short enough for your review! Thanks for the offer! It is posted in incest and taboo. Although this scene does not play upon the theme as the characters are between experiences at the moment it takes place.

https://www.literotica.com/s/good-bye-my-love

This story is a very emotional rollercoaster ride of love, loss, lust, and incest. Since all I read was a middle chapter of an ongoing story, it is difficult to judge the actual storytelling, but it clearly is a convoluted tale with complex, interesting characters. I also liked how even this short two-pager was broken up into bite-sized pieces, each with their own sub-title. Great for short attention spanners like me! The first page was also practically wall-to-wall sex (punctuated by much introspection) so that's always a plus.

The prose was very flowery, to the point of almost being baroque; lots of adjectives and similes that weren't strictly necessary to tell the tale. That is a matter of style, of course, and I'm sure many people enjoy it. Personally, I prefer a spare, minimalist, Hemingwayesque type of prose, but that's just me.

Also, the first-person perspective seems to jump occasionally, with no warning. Most of the story is narrated by the father, but a few short segments are by the daughter. I can see that being a useful narrative feature, but it would be better to have some sort of warning to the reader, rather than making them figure it out as they go.

But if you are looking for a complicated tale of incest and other sex, with complex characters and lots of feelings, this series is a good choice.

 

[dmallord]

Thank you Carnevil9 for reviewing this piece of a complex relationship between a father and his daughter. The other elements of this story entwine the psychiatrist as a former lover and a whole new world of sexual experiences for the daughter as she becomes more independent.

Readers have commented on the POV jumps. I don't notice them - when I'm editing so that erks me a bit. I missed those pitfalls and try to revise and repost them. Although trying to find the area needing corrective attention is difficult. As an inexperienced writer, I have a lot to learn and trying to teach one's self on the fly is not the best way to go about that, I suppose. Nevertheless, I enjoy the process of writing. Your take on my tales provides inspiration to continue onward.

I'll note the sub-title idea for further inclusion in my work. The story you critiqued has those put in place to attempt to fix those jumps in POV. Guess, I missed a few!

Baroque as in Gongora and Quevedo? LOL. Not that far out I hope. Similarly readers and others have noted my tendency to be more 'showing' than 'telling'. I'm working on that too.

Thanks for your time and input!

 

[lovecraft68]

I'm a long winded bastard, but I do remember I found a quick and dirty mom/son piece that you liked in your first go around with this. So here's another.

This is something I found last year that had been on my old laptop and I realized was an early mom/son attempt that I thought to stroky, but tossed it up its about 2.5 pages

https://literotica.com/s/are-you-horny-too?page=3

 

[RejectReality]

What the heck, I'll throw this one out there. If I'm going 'best' then this is certainly it as RR. Should have really been transferred to Les, but I lost the layered file for the cover and changing the byline was too much of a pain, so RR got to keep it. LOL

https://literotica.com/s/nude-holly-day

 

[JackoK]

Thanks for offering your time to do this ... I only have one story (well, the first part of one) but it is quite short. If you can fit in a review I would appreciate it. If not, no problem.

It's about a guy who is fed up with his dead-end job; on a whim he tries out as a stripper.

https://literotica.com/s/a-stripping-dream-ch-01

 

[Carnevil9]

I'm a long winded bastard, but I do remember I found a quick and dirty mom/son piece that you liked in your first go around with this. So here's another.

This is something I found last year that had been on my old laptop and I realized was an early mom/son attempt that I thought to stroky, but tossed it up its about 2.5 pages

https://literotica.com/s/are-you-horny-too?page=3

A mother and son are forced to share a tiny bed in a hot sweaty motel room and.....

What I really liked about this story is that it has a perfectly constructed trajectory. At the beginning, the mother is someone who would never cheat on her husband, let alone with her son, even though the husband is a cheating bastard himself. But then, gradually, step by step, inch by inch, her attitude changes. You can feel her attitude shifting along the spectrum like the transmission in a race car, one notch at a time. So that by the end, when her feelings are the complete opposite of where they started out, it all seems so natural! There was no point in the story where I thought, "Oh, THAT would never happen!"

The first page was very boring. There was almost no action or conversation; mostly just description. If I hadn't been reading this to review it, I'm sure I would have clicked out after the first half a page. But in the end, I'm glad I stuck with it because the trajectory was a thing of beauty. There were quite a few typos and misspellings, which would probably also have made me click out, but of course those are fixable.

Oh, and the sex was really hot, once you got past that first boring page. Definitely passed the boner test. Great job!

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Thanks for the offer. Most of my stuff is long and/or involves Gay Male or BDSM, but I've got one in Erotic Horror I'd appreciate feedback on: https://literotica.com/s/londoner-calling

An immortal being needs to feed on interesting thoughts. Only 4000 words.

 

[Carnevil9]

What the heck, I'll throw this one out there. If I'm going 'best' then this is certainly it as RR. Should have really been transferred to Les, but I lost the layered file for the cover and changing the byline was too much of a pain, so RR got to keep it. LOL

https://literotica.com/s/nude-holly-day

I have no idea what that post means, but there was a link, so I clicked it.

This tale of forbidden fruit (an older male boss and his pert young female assistant) reads a lot like an incest story. It isn't incest, mind you, but the boss is clearly a father figure, and fucking your direct reports is always troublesome, so the dynamic was very much the same.

The first act of the story was all business - establishing their relationship at work. The author did a good job of mixing up description, conversation, and action, so that even though it was all establishment, it was still interesting and easy to absorb. Also, the mechanics of the writing was all top-notch; I don't recall a single grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistake.

Then the story switches gears to a nudist camp. I've been to enough of those to know that the descriptions were very realistic, so either the author has spent time at them as well, or has done some solid research! Soon the boss and the assistant are engaging in "should we or shouldn't we?" sex, and the one loooong sex scene is very detailed and very hot! Definitely passes the boner test with flying colors.

This story did ping one pet peeve of mine, though: when you are reading a first-person story, but the author doesn't give you any idea of who or what the main character is! I was half way down the first page before I had figured out if it was male/female, old/young, straight/otherwise, etc. But that's just a quibble. If you want a nice long scene of hot spicy sex between one man and one woman, this one fits the bill.

 

[RejectReality]

I have no idea what that post means, but there was a link, so I clicked it.

This tale of forbidden fruit (an older male boss and his pert young female assistant) reads a lot like an incest story. It isn't incest, mind you, but the boss is clearly a father figure, and fucking your direct reports is always troublesome, so the dynamic was very much the same.

The first act of the story was all business - establishing their relationship at work. The author did a good job of mixing up description, conversation, and action, so that even though it was all establishment, it was still interesting and easy to absorb. Also, the mechanics of the writing was all top-notch; I don't recall a single grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistake.

Then the story switches gears to a nudist camp. I've been to enough of those to know that the descriptions were very realistic, so either the author has spent time at them as well, or has done some solid research! Soon the boss and the assistant are engaging in "should we or shouldn't we?" sex, and the one loooong sex scene is very detailed and very hot! Definitely passes the boner test with flying colors.

This story did ping one pet peeve of mine, though: when you are reading a first-person story, but the author doesn't give you any idea of who or what the main character is! I was half way down the first page before I had figured out if it was male/female, old/young, straight/otherwise, etc. But that's just a quibble. If you want a nice long scene of hot spicy sex between one man and one woman, this one fits the bill.

Glad you enjoyed it!

The explanation of the post is, I have 3 pen names. This one is meant for pure stroke fare. I originally started writing it for this name, but it suddenly developed an actual story. My usual procedure is to transfer stories like that to another pen name ( Les ) but I'd already finished the cover image for it, and somehow lost the layered document, which meant changing the byline was going to be a pain. That's the only reason this pen name got to keep a story that had any actual depth to it.

As to research, that's 90% reading TXRad's posts on the subject over the years, a little common sense ( long handled spatulas, bug/sunscreen ) and a tiny bit of looking up things on nudist resort websites. Glad it comes off as realistic.

I had a second set of eyes at the time, so RoustWriter gets a lot of credit for the mechanics. I do okay, but he never failed to find several things I goofed up.

I try to let the tone, speech patterns, and little hints do the work of describing 1st person MCs. Didn't quite hit it strong/early enough I suppose.

Detailed sex scenes are my thing. That carries across all pen names and genres. It's what I'm here for.

Again, glad you enjoyed it and thanks for taking the time to give it a read

 

[Carnevil9]

Thanks for offering your time to do this ... I only have one story (well, the first part of one) but it is quite short. If you can fit in a review I would appreciate it. If not, no problem.

It's about a guy who is fed up with his dead-end job; on a whim he tries out as a stripper.

https://literotica.com/s/a-stripping-dream-ch-01

I really liked this short story segment. Your style is nice and easy going, with a good balance of description and dialog. You also let us know right off the bat that the first-person main character is a man, probably a young one, and in good shape. I also think first-person was a good choice, because it is all about someone stretching outside his comfort zone and we need to understand his feelings.

Most of the story focuses on the main character's audition to become a stripper at a club. I won't provide any spoilers, except to say that the results were.... very interesting!

The side characters were all described with only a few little details. I liked that. You don't waste time giving us unnecessary information, but you give us an insight into what the main character notices about each of them. I think that adds realism.

There wasn't any sex (depending on your definitions), and I didn't get aroused by it, but I really want to know what is going to happen next. I hope you continue with it.

I don't think this reads like anyone's first story on the site. It is certainly better than my first one! Good job!

 

[lovecraft68]

A mother and son are forced to share a tiny bed in a hot sweaty motel room and.....

What I really liked about this story is that it has a perfectly constructed trajectory. At the beginning, the mother is someone who would never cheat on her husband, let alone with her son, even though the husband is a cheating bastard himself. But then, gradually, step by step, inch by inch, her attitude changes. You can feel her attitude shifting along the spectrum like the transmission in a race car, one notch at a time. So that by the end, when her feelings are the complete opposite of where they started out, it all seems so natural! There was no point in the story where I thought, "Oh, THAT would never happen!"

The first page was very boring. There was almost no action or conversation; mostly just description. If I hadn't been reading this to review it, I'm sure I would have clicked out after the first half a page. But in the end, I'm glad I stuck with it because the trajectory was a thing of beauty. There were quite a few typos and misspellings, which would probably also have made me click out, but of course those are fixable.

Oh, and the sex was really hot, once you got past that first boring page. Definitely passed the boner test. Great job!

Thanks for taking the time. I guess when I dug it out of the old folder, that was the version I somehow uploaded, not the one I touched up. Fair enough on the first page, I'm a slow burner, which usually plays well, but I also write longer pieces so maybe note to self, on the few occasions I do something shorter I need to speed things up.

Glad you liked the trajectory, I work hard to get that "yeah, this could happen' in a category that's implausible to begin with

 

[JackoK]

I really liked this short story segment. Your style is nice and easy going, with a good balance of description and dialog. You also let us know right off the bat that the first-person main character is a man, probably a young one, and in good shape. I also think first-person was a good choice, because it is all about someone stretching outside his comfort zone and we need to understand his feelings.

Most of the story focuses on the main character's audition to become a stripper at a club. I won't provide any spoilers, except to say that the results were.... very interesting!

The side characters were all described with only a few little details. I liked that. You don't waste time giving us unnecessary information, but you give us an insight into what the main character notices about each of them. I think that adds realism.

There wasn't any sex (depending on your definitions), and I didn't get aroused by it, but I really want to know what is going to happen next. I hope you continue with it.

I don't think this reads like anyone's first story on the site. It is certainly better than my first one! Good job!

Thank you very much! I (and the other writers here, I'm sure) really appreciate your efforts with these reviews. Glad you liked the story, and I'm busy with part 2. Not sure when I'll post it though, tedious irritations like day jobs keep interfering with my writing.

 

[Carnevil9]

Thanks for the offer. Most of my stuff is long and/or involves Gay Male or BDSM, but I've got one in Erotic Horror I'd appreciate feedback on: https://literotica.com/s/londoner-calling

An immortal being needs to feed on interesting thoughts. Only 4000 words.

Well I learned a few new words from this one!

The quoted synopsis pretty much sums up what this item is all about. The entire story is the inner thoughts of the immortal being, as it goes about seeking thoughts to feed upon. Basically, it finds a human who is having interesting thoughts, seduces her, and feeds on the wishes, desires, and emotions being produced as they have sex. There is very little dialog, mostly just narration. Alas, I didn't find it in the least bit erotic, but I'm sure there are people who would. I just found it very interesting, in a conceptual way.

The prose is extremely stylized and flowery. Some will love that, others maybe not. Much of it reads like an essay on modern society as the "protagonist" compares the current state of the world with ages past.

The mechanics of the writing are all top notch, which I always appreciate. If this sounds like your cup of tea, check it out!

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Well I learned a few new words from this one!

The quoted synopsis pretty much sums up what this item is all about. The entire story is the inner thoughts of the immortal being, as it goes about seeking thoughts to feed upon. Basically, it finds a human who is having interesting thoughts, seduces her, and feeds on the wishes, desires, and emotions being produced as they have sex. There is very little dialog, mostly just narration. Alas, I didn't find it in the least bit erotic, but I'm sure there are people who would. I just found it very interesting, in a conceptual way.

The prose is extremely stylized and flowery. Some will love that, others maybe not. Much of it reads like an essay on modern society as the "protagonist" compares the current state of the world with ages past.

The mechanics of the writing are all top notch, which I always appreciate. If this sounds like your cup of tea, check it out!

Thank you very much! It's a bit of an homage to my favourite parts of London and how it's been sterilised in recent years, you're right. And written in a mock-Victorian wordy style.

I've been pondering a possible sequel and what direction that might take. It would probably involve BDSM clubs so not your thing - I suspect people appreciating sub/dom subtext would find this one more erotic, though I was aiming more for a growing creepy horror than erotic.

I'd forgotten I hadn't used any dialogue. Usually my dialogue is a strength (also dialects, which people love or hate!), but I think the lack of it helps the creepiness here. I'll have to experiment, with and without, if I do write more.

Thank you for your time and compliments.

 

[Carnevil9]

......I've been pondering a possible sequel and what direction that might take.........

I always like sequels where roles get reversed. Maybe the feeding creature picks out its next victim, but the victim turns out not to be human, but another sort of creature that turns the tables.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I always like sequels were roles get reversed. Maybe the feeding creature picks out its next victim, but the victim turns out not to be human, but another sort of creature that turns the tables.

Mm... I was thinking of our protagonist interacting with another of its kind who hasn't really moved on from Tudor times, and being snarky about them, along with meeting some people interesting enough that it's reluctant to feed too soon.

Stories involving dom/sub or SM role reversal tend to go down like cold sick on Lit - which doesn't stop me writing them for a tiny but appreciative audience! Thinking about it, I've written a couple stories involving Americans experiencing culture shock in England, but not yet really done the reverse, even though it would easily fit into my 'I Say Ass, You Say Arse' series of stories...

Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[mirafrida]

I'm always happy for some feedback.

All my "best" stories are longer. Actually all of them are three+ pages, except one. So here it is:

"Why We Fight"
https://literotica.com/s/why-we-fight
Erotic Couplings category

Thanks!