unsolicited sexual advances

[nice90sguy]

Tht phrase has been used in two threads this evening. I get the feeling that some people think it's a Bad Thing.

They used to call it wooing, seduction, chatting-up, making eyes, flirting.

Solicited sexual advances is what hookers do.

Every single time I've had sex,it was entirely due to an unsolicited sexual advance (by me, or by the woman I ended up having sex with).

Please don't use "unsolicited", when what you really mean is "unwanted", or or inappropriate sexual advances -- and the definition of appropriateness is fluid and varies from person to person and between cultures (and within a culture over time).

 

[Kelliezgirl]

 

[nice90sguy]

exactly.

 

[FromDarkwater]

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Wanna go go drinks later and maybe... LOOK AT MY DINKUS MAGNUM!


I believe that is what you refering to? When an unknown individual has a polite opening that goes from 0 to Mach 9 in a matter of minutes (or even seconds)? Personally, I've only ever sent one person a 'Dick Pic' who didn't ask for it... that was my sister and I sent a photo of Dick Cheney.

 

[nice90sguy]

Hm you could have gone another way with that story

 

[Kelliezgirl]

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Wanna go go drinks later and maybe... LOOK AT MY DINKUS MAGNUM!


I believe that is what you refering to? When an unknown individual has a polite opening that goes from 0 to Mach 9 in a matter of minutes (or even seconds)? Personally, I've only ever sent one person a 'Dick Pic' who didn't ask for it... that was my sister and I sent a photo of Dick Cheney.

I think you are missing his point. What you are referring to could be more accurately referred to as an INAPPROPRIATE advance.
The problem with bemoaning UNWANTED advances is that the only way to know if an advance is wanted or not is to try it.

 

[FromDarkwater]

Okay, okay, everyone please stop PMing and asking for a Dick Pic now.... sheesh!

 

[Zootonius]

In a documentary on George Gershwin, Kitty Carlisle mentioned his line was, "Would you like to come up and see my etchings?" To which she rolled her eyes. Never said if she saw his 'etchings.'

 

[theWollstonecraftWoman]

If no one says "Wanna?" no one can answer, "No." Or "Hell, yes!"

 

[Zootonius]

Thinking about the topic reminded me of something I've never told anyone.
As a skinny college freshman I received a few unwanted sexual advances from gay men. I guess tall skinny young guys appealed to some. Looking back it was amusing. But it was a bit depressing for a 19 year old guy who was straight and had yet to kiss a girl.

I won't go into the details of the gay couple who... uh...

 

[theWollstonecraftWoman]

Thinking about the topic reminded me of something I've never told anyone.
As a skinny college freshman I received a few unwanted sexual advances from gay men. I guess tall skinny young guys appealed to some. Looking back it was amusing. But it was a bit depressing for a 19 year old guy who was straight and had yet to kiss a girl.

I won't go into the details of the gay couple who... uh...

Gays don't normally hit guys that aren't gay unless their some reason they think they are. If you exhibited an ineptitude with college girls, that might have been all they needed.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Gays don't normally hit guys that aren't gay unless their some reason they think they are. If you exhibited an ineptitude with college girls, that might have been all they needed.

As a dear friend of mine likes to point out, gaydar isn't infallible...

 

[Zootonius]

Gays don't normally hit guys that aren't gay unless their some reason they think they are. If you exhibited an ineptitude with college girls, that might have been all they needed.

As @Kelliezgirl pointed out, I think even gay's gaydar fails when the subject is tempting enough. My experience then seemed their attitude was nothing ventured, nothing gained. Although I wonder if my 19 year old self gave off the wrong vibes.

 

[eric_erosfan]

Tht phrase has been used in two threads this evening. I get the feeling that some people think it's a Bad Thing.

They used to call it wooing, seduction, chatting-up, making eyes, flirting.

Solicited sexual advances is what hookers do.

Every single time I've had sex,it was entirely due to an unsolicited sexual advance (by me, or by the woman I ended up having sex with).

Please don't use "unsolicited", when what you really mean is "unwanted", or or inappropriate sexual advances -- and the definition of appropriateness is fluid and varies from person to person and between cultures (and within a culture over time).

Unsolicited means not asked for/unwanted.

Just because you happen to find one woman in ten who welcomes your sexual advances does not mean the other nine were fine with it.

 

[Zootonius]

As a dear friend of mine likes to point out, gaydar isn't infallible...

I will say, that mine rarely worked back then. The first few minutes of the conversations seemed like they were just being friendly

 

[Kelliezgirl]

As @Kelliezgirl pointed out, I think even gay's gaydar fails when the subject is tempting enough. My experience then seemed their attitude was nothing ventured, nothing gained. Although I wonder if my 19 year old self gave off the wrong vibes.

It's nice to get invited to the BBQ even if you don't want to go...

 

[Kelliezgirl]

I will say, that mine rarely worked back then. The first few minutes of the conversations seemed like they were just being friendly

The friend I got that line from had a lovely story about chatting someone up for the better part of 20 minutes, thinking things were going swimmingly, only to have the target of his interest make a comment about his girlfriend. My friend asked a question to...shall we say discreetly clarify things, and quickly realized he was barking up the wrong tree.
I can't do the whole story justice, but when he tells it it's hilarious.
It was most likely an unwanted advance, but the recipient didn't realize he was being advanced upon.

 

[theWollstonecraftWoman]

As @Kelliezgirl pointed out, I think even gay's gaydar fails when the subject is tempting enough. My experience then seemed their attitude was nothing ventured, nothing gained. Although I wonder if my 19 year old self gave off the wrong vibes.

Who knows. A lot of guys now, well maybe other genders, dress like girls, do their hair like girls, act soft, and look soft. Some are totally into only girls. Many don't have fucking clue what they want or like. But back in your day, I don't know what you acted like or looked like. Some gay guys don't need much to set their want to off.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I think you are right that there is a lot of nuance in this topic, but not about some of the specifics...

First I think we probably want to have a distinction between sexual, romantic, and friendship advances - 'Hey want to come to a movie with me on Friday?' could be any of the three. 'Hey, bitch, you are now my sub' less so. That was kind of what was being discussed in the USA (wait, cool anacronymn - that Unsolicited Sexual Advances) to Women thread.

Then there's the matter of unsolicited. This can be kind of a grey area. If a person is sitting alone at a bar 'hey can I buy you a drink?' isn't exactly solicited, but it's not entirely unreasonable either. On the other hand, saying to someone who is clearly at the bar with a romantic partner, 'hey, how about ditching that loser and coming with me?' is unsolicited and rude.

I'd agree there are times where a person is clearly 'soliciting' advances, just not from me and in which case my advances may indeed be 'unwanted'. Similarly if a person is hot enough those advances are going to be 'wanted' whether they're appropriate or being actively solicited at that moment or not.

Then of course there is the appropriate/inappropriateness of the advance. Perhaps this should just be about what is said and how it is said. I'd argue that, as a man, sometimes 'hot' women consider approaches by 'inferior' men inappropriate on their face, just because of the perceived mismatch in quality. And in fairness, if such women are getting approached all the time by darn near every man they meet, you can see why they dislike it - but in this overthought post, it should strictly come under unwanted rather than inappropriate.

An author who is publishing stories here, but is not taking part in the personal section, is not 'soliciting' requests for sexual/romantic advances, so it's pretty weird to approach them as such. I think a lot of the stories on those board show that the advances starts as or quickly became inappropriate.

 

[Levorotatory]

Tht phrase has been used in two threads this evening. I get the feeling that some people think it's a Bad Thing.

They used to call it wooing, seduction, chatting-up, making eyes, flirting.

Solicited sexual advances is what hookers do.

Every single time I've had sex,it was entirely due to an unsolicited sexual advance (by me, or by the woman I ended up having sex with).

Please don't use "unsolicited", when what you really mean is "unwanted", or or inappropriate sexual advances -- and the definition of appropriateness is fluid and varies from person to person and between cultures (and within a culture over time).

Putting up a profile on a dating site/app indicating that you are interested in a hookup could be considered soliciting sexual advances, and it may be leading to a cultural shift where people increasingly expect initial contacts to be made in that manner and not in person. I'd consider that an unfortunate unintended consequence of the internet era.

Unsolicited means not asked for/unwanted.

Not asked for and unwanted are not the same thing. There have been times where I would have responded to an unsolicited sexual advance with an enthusiastic yes, and I think that is true of most other people as well.

 

[ronde]

Tht phrase has been used in two threads this evening. I get the feeling that some people think it's a Bad Thing.

They used to call it wooing, seduction, chatting-up, making eyes, flirting.

Solicited sexual advances is what hookers do.

Every single time I've had sex,it was entirely due to an unsolicited sexual advance (by me, or by the woman I ended up having sex with).

Please don't use "unsolicited", when what you really mean is "unwanted", or or inappropriate sexual advances -- and the definition of appropriateness is fluid and varies from person to person and between cultures (and within a culture over time).

To me, any "soliciting" is done by the receiver of the comment or statement, and that doesn't just apply to hookers. Check out any bar on a Saturday night and you'll find both men and women who are "soliciting". The vast majority aren't looking for payment for sex. They're looking for some measure of appreciation of how they look or at least to have someone come over and talk to them. The "wooing", "seduction", "making eyes", and "flirting" come after that initial interaction and the person dressed to attract will probably approve a conversation that works its way into what becomes a sexual advance. He or she may draw the line if the conversation becomes about something they're not ready for. That's when it becomes inappropriate.

As you say, the definition of appropriateness depends upon the recipient of the statement made and upon the setting. Saying, "You're sexy as all get out" at work could get you fired. Saying the same thing in a bar could get you laid that night.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Please don't use "unsolicited", when what you really mean is "unwanted", or or inappropriate sexual advances -- and the definition of appropriateness is fluid and varies from person to person and between cultures (and within a culture over time).

"Unsolicited", "unwanted" and "inappropriate" aren't the same thing, but there's a lot of overlap.

When setting expectations for behaviour, "don't make inappropriate advances" is unhelpful, precisely because of the vagueness you've mentioned. "Don't make unwanted advances" is also not very practical because it requires people to be mind-readers.

"Unsolicited" isn't perfect but compared to those other two options it's a bit more objective. I don't have to know what's in somebody else's mind, I just need to know whether they've invited me to do something about it.

 

[nice90sguy]

Just because you happen to find one woman in ten who welcomes your sexual advances does not mean the other nine were fine with it.

I'm not always fine with people who are not fine with things I say or do.

What makes them the arbiter of my behaviour?

 

[Kelliezgirl]

I'm not always fine with people who are not fine with things I say or do.

What makes them the arbiter of my behaviour?

This is a valid point, to what extent am I allowed to shut down any behavior by simply declaring it makes me feel uncomfortable?

 

[nice90sguy]

"The right to offend" is a tricky one: There are limits, of course.