The Men Who's Wives Have No Sex Drive Support Club

[SJPSOCCER]

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-beat-the-top-desire-killer-in-relationships

I agreed with this article. What do you gentlemen think?

Great article

 

[pplwatching]

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-beat-the-top-desire-killer-in-relationships

I agreed with this article. What do you gentlemen think?

The article echoes our experiences, many of which I have written about here over the years. Expectations and pressure are romance killers as well as sexual wet blankets. I would simply add that it's not that simple, or frankly that easy.

My wife and I were not prepared for our sexual dysfunction. We put off dealing with it until it was a crisis. It might have been different if we knew then what we know today, or approached sex in the way that we do now. Today we wouldn't let it get to the point that it did.

During our big crisis, the problem for me was working past the sexual deficit and feelings of rejection and loneliness that getting disconnected had caused. When my wife was behaving in a sexual way, "innocently" (for lack of a better word) as the author suggests, it wasn't possible to physically switch off my sexual response or that burning need to be naked and entwined with her completely. I needed and craved that total and complete connection that comes with being high on that endorphin and Oxytocin rush that comes from having sex together. My wife tracing her fingers over my body does feel nice, and is an intimate form of contact in and of itself. However, it is also naturally sexually arousing and does make me want more. It is one thing for her (in our case) to feel comfortable knowing that expressions of affection and intimacy don't necessarily have to lead to sex. It is (in my experience) altogether different to accept that becoming aroused sexually doesn't always lead to sex. It takes work and communication to walk that tightrope.

We have to acknowledge that, for some of us sex is more than just a physical act of receiving pleasure. In my case it is a deeply intimate emotional part of our marriage on many levels. Accepting my sexuality validates my feelings for her. The act of seducing her, arousing her, and giving her pleasure creates a deep sense of connection for me. One that has tremendous power to build, reconnect, and reinforce our bond together. When we get disconnected emotionally and romantically, I crave sex for reasons that are far more than physical. The author of that article completely ignores the question of how to deal with that high octane explosive mixture of arousal, craving, and frustration at the peak of the crisis.

When my wife and I first went to marriage counseling she expressed the author's sentiments in so many words. She said that she avoided any intimate contact that might lead to the expectation of sex. We might begin an evening both enjoying sitting on the couch watching TV, but moving closer, putting my arm around her, an erotic scene, or more would lead to a noticeable change in the temperature in the room. The problem, as the author points out is that it shuts down opportunities for sex that might naturally follow from a little romance, playful flirting, and making out.

I have written previously that one of the keys to getting back to a healthy sex life for us was an agreement that not all intimate contact has to lead to sex. Knowing what I get from sex did allow me to understand that I can get much of that without the physical act. Back rubs, kissing, and skin on skin contact all contribute to what I need from sex but it is watered down in some ways. Having sex is a much deeper and much more satisfying experience.

In my experience, that ability to relax and just sort of see where it goes (if it goes) does allow her to live in the moment and in general become sexually aroused more easily. Our approach has allowed me to understand that not having sex on any particular occasion is not a rejection of me or my sexuality, but doesn't change the fact that I might be Jonesing pretty badly for sex. Strangely, it is an act of faith to accept that I just need to wait. At the height of the dry spell I never knew if or when we might be intimate next, which made it exceptionally difficult to cope. Now I feel the connection that I need with her, in spite of the fact that we might not end up having sex at any given moment, but know that we likely will sometime in the not too distant future because we both want the connection. That makes it much easier to cope.

And for those times when I'm just a junkie who can't resist the craving, she lovingly helps me with a one sided experience. Some would probably call that an expectation of sex, but then flexibility is part and parcel of marriage.

 

[policywank]

The issue often created by expectations is a big one in my mind. It can take many forms. I certainly of men feeling as though getting their wife in the mood is a big production but so to is a man's expectation of my pleasure. Too often they "need" to believe I had a great orgasm. Sometimes it isn't going to happen and/or I just want intimacy. Women aren't all trying to mysterious but we are more complicated. In my experience any man who says I get my woman off every time or he just keeps trying until he does is delusional - it doesn't work that way and while I appreciate the dedication, needing to make sure he feels adequate just sucks the life out of the experience for me.

The article echoes our experiences, many of which I have written about here over the years. Expectations and pressure are romance killers as well as sexual wet blankets. I would simply add that it's not that simple, or frankly that easy

My wife and I were not prepared for our sexual dysfunction. We put off dealing with it until it was a crisis. It might have been different if we knew then what we know today, or approached sex in the way that we do now. Today we wouldn't let it get to the point that it did.

During our big crisis, the problem for me was working past the sexual deficit and feelings of rejection and loneliness that getting disconnected had caused. When my wife was behaving in a sexual way, "innocently" (for lack of a better word) as the author suggests, it wasn't possible to physically switch off my sexual response or that burning need to be naked and entwined with her completely. I needed and craved that total and complete connection that comes with being high on that endorphin and Oxytocin rush that comes from having sex together. My wife tracing her fingers over my body does feel nice, and is an intimate form of contact in and of itself. However, it is also naturally sexually arousing and does make me want more. It is one thing for her (in our case) to feel comfortable knowing that expressions of affection and intimacy don't necessarily have to lead to sex. It is (in my experience) altogether different to accept that becoming aroused sexually doesn't always lead to sex. It takes work and communication to walk that tightrope.

We have to acknowledge that, for some of us sex is more than just a physical act of receiving pleasure. In my case it is a deeply intimate emotional part of our marriage on many levels. Accepting my sexuality validates my feelings for her. The act of seducing her, arousing her, and giving her pleasure creates a deep sense of connection for me. One that has tremendous power to build, reconnect, and reinforce our bond together. When we get disconnected emotionally and romantically, I crave sex for reasons that are far more than physical. The author of that article completely ignores the question of how to deal with that high octane explosive mixture of arousal, craving, and frustration at the peak of the crisis.

When my wife and I first went to marriage counseling she expressed the author's sentiments in so many words. She said that she avoided any intimate contact that might lead to the expectation of sex. We might begin an evening both enjoying sitting on the couch watching TV, but moving closer, putting my arm around her, an erotic scene, or more would lead to a noticeable change in the temperature in the room. The problem, as the author points out is that it shuts down opportunities for sex that might naturally follow from a little romance, playful flirting, and making out.

I have written previously that one of the keys to getting back to a healthy sex life for us was an agreement that not all intimate contact has to lead to sex. Knowing what I get from sex did allow me to understand that I can get much of that without the physical act. Back rubs, kissing, and skin on skin contact all contribute to what I need from sex but it is watered down in some ways. Having sex is a much deeper and much more satisfying experience.

In my experience, that ability to relax and just sort of see where it goes (if it goes) does allow her to live in the moment and in general become sexually aroused more easily. Our approach has allowed me to understand that not having sex on any particular occasion is not a rejection of me or my sexuality, but doesn't change the fact that I might be Jonesing pretty badly for sex. Strangely, it is an act of faith to accept that I just need to wait. At the height of the dry spell I never knew if or when we might be intimate next, which made it exceptionally difficult to cope. Now I feel the connection that I need with her, in spite of the fact that we might not end up having sex at any given moment, but know that we likely will sometime in the not too distant future because we both want the connection. That makes it much easier to cope.

And for those times when I'm just a junkie who can't resist the craving, she lovingly helps me with a one sided experience. Some would probably call that an expectation of sex, but then flexibility is part and parcel of marriage.

 

[CNYCarol]

Is this why older guys start exploring bi?

 

[OpenMouth]

Hi all

My wife seems to be going through a protracted menopause; she goes for a couple of months without a period then gets a really heavy one. Combined with accumulated stress that she really doesn't deal with, and the fact her body never recovered from childbirth (3 kids in 4 1/2 years) has gradually killed off her desire. Every night we fall asleep on the sofa then go to bed a couple of hours later.

It's a crying shame because I absolutely adore the woman. We have sex occasionally, maybe every 3 or 4 months, and it's nice but is over in a few minutes. It usually involves us kissing and playing with each other; it's very rarely penetrative because my cock is quite small these days (Peyronie's syndrome, Google it).

All of the above has seen my sexual desires and fantasies changing direction somewhat! Excitement for me nowadays involves dressing up in lingerie, stockings, heels, wigs, jewellery and makeup and photographing myself. For me, it's a way of keeping the connection with glamour and femininity. It's wonderful and exciting but I do wish I could be doing it with my lady. I hope she gets her mojo back eventually...

 

[scott6251]

Is this why older guys start exploring bi?

This can be a part of it, yes

 

[pplwatching]

The issue often created by expectations is a big one in my mind. It can take many forms. I certainly of men feeling as though getting their wife in the mood is a big production but so to is a man's expectation of my pleasure. Too often they "need" to believe I had a great orgasm. Sometimes it isn't going to happen and/or I just want intimacy. Women aren't all trying to mysterious but we are more complicated. In my experience any man who says I get my woman off every time or he just keeps trying until he does is delusional - it doesn't work that way and while I appreciate the dedication, needing to make sure he feels adequate just sucks the life out of the experience for me.

I think that we may be speaking in two different contexts. It is always a challenge to know how much background to include in a post, and there were a lot of issues at play that would make for a long winded and boring read.

I am referring to a situation that lasted several years, with sex maybe once every two months on average. I think four months was probably the longest. I was rejected much, much more frequently. We weren't communicating, and I didn't know why she didn't want sex. Not just on any given night, but for months at a time. There were many times when non-sexual but intimate expressions, such as a back rub were also rejected. We had basically become roommates and parents. I dreaded the possibility that she might "love me but not be in love with me". In marriage counseling I learned that she shut down even the little things in order to head off the remotest possibility of those moments creating an expectation of sex. In that sense, we were an extreme example of what that article is talking about.

Infrequent duty sex had its own awkwardness. I felt guilty that she didn't enjoy herself while I did. I felt like I was using her for sex, which just made the situation that much worse. Since we weren't communicating, it was a part of the learning process to understand that even the term "duty sex" isn't appropriate. It didn't mean that she got nothing out of sex, but we didn't talk about it. Lacking communication, the most obvious outward sign that she was enjoying an encounter was her sexual response. It was the only available yardstick that gave me reassurance that she actually wanted to have sex with me, and that I wasn't using her. It wasn't a matter of pride or validation that I was a good lover. When we were in the middle of the crisis, it was difficult to reconcile my physical and emotional needs with the idea that I might be using her for sex.

In that context, sex did/does validate the sexual and romantic feelings that I have for my wife. I did and still do need to know that she is enjoying our sexual fun. Now that we communicate much better, I do understand that she can and does enjoy sex whether or not sex is just a back rub or if she has an orgasm when I do.

At the time and in the context of this thread, constant sexual rejection combined with almost nonexistent communication was hard on me and our marriage in many ways. All roads led to and through sex, whether or not it was reasonable. A mutually enjoyable and passionate sexual encounter went a long ways towards overcoming the rejection, hurt, and loneliness outside of the bedroom. It was validating.

Our marriage improved as we got much better at communicating. I did learn that not wanting sex did not mean that she didn't love or want me, but at the same time as our marriage improved mutually fun and passionate sex became more frequent. Individual sexual encounters are not about validation, but it is a part of the bigger picture. I do understand that she doesn't need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex, and at the same time am aroused and excited to be a part of it when she does.

 

[Mr. Briggs]

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-beat-the-top-desire-killer-in-relationships

I agreed with this article. What do you gentlemen think?

Wow this is so so so so good. Thanks!

 

[policywank]

You are right. I really just meant to pick up on the impact of expectations. My example was coming from a different place and had a different context than your discussion points.

It often seems that most of us come from a place laden with expectations. And when it comes to sex we try to bend reality to meet our expectations rather than opening ourselves to a broader set of realities.

I think that we may be speaking in two different contexts. It is always a challenge to know how much background to include in a post, and there were a lot of issues at play that would make for a long winded and boring read.

I am referring to a situation that lasted several years, with sex maybe once every two months on average. I think four months was probably the longest. I was rejected much, much more frequently. We weren't communicating, and I didn't know why she didn't want sex. Not just on any given night, but for months at a time. There were many times when non-sexual but intimate expressions, such as a back rub were also rejected. We had basically become roommates and parents. I dreaded the possibility that she might "love me but not be in love with me". In marriage counseling I learned that she shut down even the little things in order to head off the remotest possibility of those moments creating an expectation of sex. In that sense, we were an extreme example of what that article is talking about.

Infrequent duty sex had its own awkwardness. I felt guilty that she didn't enjoy herself while I did. I felt like I was using her for sex, which just made the situation that much worse. Since we weren't communicating, it was a part of the learning process to understand that even the term "duty sex" isn't appropriate. It didn't mean that she got nothing out of sex, but we didn't talk about it. Lacking communication, the most obvious outward sign that she was enjoying an encounter was her sexual response. It was the only available yardstick that gave me reassurance that she actually wanted to have sex with me, and that I wasn't using her. It wasn't a matter of pride or validation that I was a good lover. When we were in the middle of the crisis, it was difficult to reconcile my physical and emotional needs with the idea that I might be using her for sex.

In that context, sex did/does validate the sexual and romantic feelings that I have for my wife. I did and still do need to know that she is enjoying our sexual fun. Now that we communicate much better, I do understand that she can and does enjoy sex whether or not sex is just a back rub or if she has an orgasm when I do.

At the time and in the context of this thread, constant sexual rejection combined with almost nonexistent communication was hard on me and our marriage in many ways. All roads led to and through sex, whether or not it was reasonable. A mutually enjoyable and passionate sexual encounter went a long ways towards overcoming the rejection, hurt, and loneliness outside of the bedroom. It was validating.

Our marriage improved as we got much better at communicating. I did learn that not wanting sex did not mean that she didn't love or want me, but at the same time as our marriage improved mutually fun and passionate sex became more frequent. Individual sexual encounters are not about validation, but it is a part of the bigger picture. I do understand that she doesn't need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex, and at the same time am aroused and excited to be a part of it when she does.

 

[eroticspank]

The issue often created by expectations is a big one in my mind. It can take many forms. I certainly of men feeling as though getting their wife in the mood is a big production but so to is a man's expectation of my pleasure. Too often they "need" to believe I had a great orgasm. Sometimes it isn't going to happen and/or I just want intimacy. Women aren't all trying to mysterious but we are more complicated. In my experience any man who says I get my woman off every time or he just keeps trying until he does is delusional - it doesn't work that way and while I appreciate the dedication, needing to make sure he feels adequate just sucks the life out of the experience for me.

You make some great points and this ^ is one of them. I feel like expectations can ruin the act before it even starts. And if there is little communication about the above, what intimacy means to you vs your husband...things like an orgasm is not required or wanted every time etc that can be a problem.

In my opinion this is about growing together in the sexual world. When a couple is first together, sex, fucking, and orgasms all seem to flow together and everyone is happy fucking like rabbits. But as the relationship enters the long term phase things seem to change. In the case of the man, he is still thinking in terms of what went on in the beginning of the relationship. Sex and orgasms for all and she likes me in bed! It seems like the woman has moved on to thinking about them as a family him as a Dad, him being around and healthy, etc. Sex is still important but for the woman it becomes less of a focus. Then the old seductive tricks the man used on his woman dont work anymore. He must try new ones and grow with her different needs and concerns.

Things like mowing the lawn, dealing with a Mother in law, taxes, sick kids, all take her mind off the Adult fun time. I feel it is convincing your wife that you are just as concerned about those things but not to let your sex life get disregarded.

I just feel like the man and woman seem to head in different directions once the relationship goes long term. Maybe some of you feel the same? I am not saying that most women tend to lose their sex drive either. I think even the women out there who are very sexual tend to look at sex differently as the relationship goes long term.

I don't have all the answers and this is certainly not easy, but knowing this change takes place may help us men out there in how we approach things, that is all.

ES

 

[policywank]

You make some great points and this ^ is one of them. I feel like expectations can ruin the act before it even starts. And if there is little communication about the above, what intimacy means to you vs your husband...things like an orgasm is not required or wanted every time etc that can be a problem.

In my opinion this is about growing together in the sexual world. When a couple is first together, sex, fucking, and orgasms all seem to flow together and everyone is happy fucking like rabbits. But as the relationship enters the long term phase things seem to change. In the case of the man, he is still thinking in terms of what went on in the beginning of the relationship. Sex and orgasms for all and she likes me in bed! It seems like the woman has moved on to thinking about them as a family him as a Dad, him being around and healthy, etc. Sex is still important but for the woman it becomes less of a focus. Then the old seductive tricks the man used on his woman dont work anymore. He must try new ones and grow with her different needs and concerns.

Things like mowing the lawn, dealing with a Mother in law, taxes, sick kids, all take her mind off the Adult fun time. I feel it is convincing your wife that you are just as concerned about those things but not to let your sex life get disregarded.

I just feel like the man and woman seem to head in different directions once the relationship goes long term. Maybe some of you feel the same? I am not saying that most women tend to lose their sex drive either. I think even the women out there who are very sexual tend to look at sex differently as the relationship goes long term.

I don't have all the answers and this is certainly not easy, but knowing this change takes place may help us men out there in how we approach things, that is all.

ES

Things do change as relationships and people grow and mature. And it takes work and communication to keep the sex life alive.

At the same I have noticed that sometimes we see change where in fact it's just our original perception or expectation that was off base.

Prince Charming is a self centred douche bag and he always was. The expectation that a man's character can be gauged by his outward presentation is wrong and it always was. It may take time to see his true character but it was there all along.

If a woman wants a viral man with burning sexual desire for her, that doesn't just switch off and his desire may not be exclusive. Moreover his confidence and willingness to do all the wooing isn't unlimited. If you put him on ice for 10 years that will have consequences. That doesn't mean he has changed. He never was completely immune to rejection.

Logically a man should consider what he wants most in a woman. If it is important that she have no sexual experience and be singularly devoted to him she probably isn't a sexual dynamo. I'm not saying it's not possible but there is a better than average chance that a sexually desirous and exciting woman in this day and age hasn't just been sitting on her hope chest. She may have been more amorous during the courting period but she never was the horny slut you hoped.

 

[pikmin1388]

For me the expectation of sex being a passion killer is an alien concept I appear to see things more the way you guys do , but then again I far far from your average lady, I would love to be approached with the expectations of sex , any method works with me , I don't appear to have changed with age if anything I'm far more adventurous than in my youth. Mind you its been that long since I was approached I may not recognise the signs anymore lol
I agree with sex being an emotional thing for women it absolutely is for me , it's a way to connect , bond and feel loved and wanted, without it my current relationship is empty, this also includes any intimacy. I can use my rabbit to orgasm . eventually but there is no emotional release /outlet for me after all its just a peace of plastic , no one knows how good bad I feel afterwards, no one to hold you make sure you're okay, I was desperate for intimacy of any kind on my birthday but all I got was one brief peck , then he went to bed very early left me to meet all my needs on my own, for me there is no worse feeling

 

[KimGordon67]

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-beat-the-top-desire-killer-in-relationships

I agreed with this article. What do you gentlemen think?

Funnily enough, the reason I don't end up having sex with my husband as much as he'd like is probably the opposite ... I'd be pretty happy if we just went to home base, but he's apparently always after, as I tend to call it, the three ring circus. Really, I want a nice, intimate, sexy 10-15 minutes that makes us both happy and then I'd like to go to sleep. I'm not someone who needs a lot of foreplay though ... I like it if I'm in the mood, obviously, but I can go from 0-100 in about two minutes, and sometimes that's absolutely fine.

 

[ThirdShift]

Anymore I am just finding the concept of sex not even worth it, especially in marriage. I realize that marriage doesn't revolve around sex. But holy hell, it should be a decent part of it. And even if one doesn't "feel like it", shit if it makes your partner feel good - then buck up buttercup and fuck.

That's the attitude about everything else in a marriage that I don't feel like doing.

 

[policywank]

For me the expectation of sex being a passion killer is an alien concept I appear to see things more the way you guys do , but then again I far far from your average lady, I would love to be approached with the expectations of sex , any method works with me , I don't appear to have changed with age if anything I'm far more adventurous than in my youth. Mind you its been that long since I was approached I may not recognise the signs anymore lol
I agree with sex being an emotional thing for women it absolutely is for me , it's a way to connect , bond and feel loved and wanted, without it my current relationship is empty, this also includes any intimacy. I can use my rabbit to orgasm . eventually but there is no emotional release /outlet for me after all its just a peace of plastic , no one knows how good bad I feel afterwards, no one to hold you make sure you're okay, I was desperate for intimacy of any kind on my birthday but all I got was one brief peck , then he went to bed very early left me to meet all my needs on my own, for me there is no worse feeling

For me it isn't the expectation of sex that can dampen passion, its expectations of how it is supposed to go. Sometimes it is (as Kim said) the three ring circus, other times it is a nice slow burn of intimacy, etc. It's all good with the right man. Even if I am not so much in the mood and he wants to bend me over the kitchen table for a quicky - no problem.

The challenge is when he needs it to be a certain way. Every time I hear guys talk about making sure their wife cums every time I think "who needs that pressure". Sometimes I want him to go the extra mile and sometimes a just want him to get off me so we can Netflix and chill. If a guy really wants to give me what I want he needs to be open to what I really want not what he wants me to want. That might not always be that which glorified his sexual prowess. Because what I really want is to enjoy sexual intimacy without having to lie to him.

Show me a man who says he makes sure his wife cums every time and I'll show you a wife who is sick and tired of setting aside her own desires to protect her husband's ego.

 

[pplwatching]

Every time I hear guys talk about making sure their wife cums every time I think "who needs that pressure".

I think that most of us want to be sensitive and considerate of our lover's needs and wants. I'm sure there's plenty of counter-examples of selfish lovers, but most people in this thread seem to care. I am certain that a lot of the "I make her cum every time" bravado might be ego, but for the sake of argument lets assume it's really about just wanting our spouse to have the best possible experience every time.

The trick seems to be figuring out what she might want from each encounter. I'd imagine that asking "Do you want to cum or should I just do my thing?" each time we have sex would be annoying, and certainly isn't spontaneous. The answer to that question might be different during foreplay and when she's gotten more warmed up than she might have expected. On the other hand, the times when I have cum first when she's well on her way and needs and wants more have their own frustration for her.

The only solution that I've found is to pay attention to how she's responding, but switching positions or slowing down to delay my impending orgasm can derail her arousal and is frustrating for her - and for a long time I think that if I asked "I'm getting close, should I wait?" she felt guilty about saying "yes, wait for me". I have no problem going down on her or finding other ways to make sure she has an orgasm if she wants one and I've already finished, but that has its own pressure for her. For many years she worried that she's taking too long, which kills the mood for her even if she does want an orgasm.

So, what's a "one and done" kind of guy to do? Setting aside ego, making sure that she cums first seems to be a pretty good strategy and I'll tell you I make sure that she cums first. Between the lines of course it's not that simple. Sex is so intimate and variable from time to time that our communication (non-verbal or otherwise) has to become good enough to not be awkward and still make sure that we each get whatever makes us happy each time. That's a wonderful goal, but not easy to achieve.

This may be off topic, but I am genuinely interested in how you communicate what you want to your partner each time, and how do you let them know if you suddenly find yourself either really wanting to go the distance when you hadn't expected to or suddenly realizing that you don't want or need to cum after having let them know that you want to?

I'm editing this to put this back into the context of this thread. When my wife and I are getting busy regularly, it's not so important if we stumble sexually during any given encounter because there's always tomorrow (or whenever the next time happens to be, which is probably sooner rather than later). When we were having sex once every few months, it was a completely different ballgame. Every time we had sex was about trying to light that spark that might make her want more.

 

[ThirdShift]

I think you make a good point correlating frequency and desire of performance.

 

[newhere2learn]

Hi all

My wife seems to be going through a protracted menopause; she goes for a couple of months without a period then gets a really heavy one. Combined with accumulated stress that she really doesn't deal with, and the fact her body never recovered from childbirth (3 kids in 4 1/2 years) has gradually killed off her desire. Every night we fall asleep on the sofa then go to bed a couple of hours later.

It's a crying shame because I absolutely adore the woman. We have sex occasionally, maybe every 3 or 4 months, and it's nice but is over in a few minutes. It usually involves us kissing and playing with each other; it's very rarely penetrative because my cock is quite small these days (Peyronie's syndrome, Google it).

All of the above has seen my sexual desires and fantasies changing direction somewhat! Excitement for me nowadays involves dressing up in lingerie, stockings, heels, wigs, jewellery and makeup and photographing myself. For me, it's a way of keeping the connection with glamour and femininity. It's wonderful and exciting but I do wish I could be doing it with my lady. I hope she gets her mojo back eventually...

Not for the first time, we have lots and lots in common.

 

[newhere2learn]

We have had our ups and downs. After childbirth I had Postpartum depression, overeating, low sex drive, moody, irritated at everything. I worked 12 hour rotating shifts at the time. My days off and day shift, no sex. I was not "in the mood", when I was on nights and got home at 7:30 in the morning on weekends- great sex. finally told me one day I had to do something or he was leaving. I got help, antidepressants worked wonders. My hysterectomy was a good thing for us, I never could take birth control pills and IUDs and other devices caused me problems. Sex was great, until a few years ago, he was struggling with opiate addiction, thank you VA. He kicked it and we are great again. Three times yesterday.
Communication has been our salvation. We also started swinging and that helped me get back in the mood, back when the issue was my depression.

But communication is the main thing that has gotten us through several issues, not all sex related, in our 24 years together.

This is exactly where we are right now. Except she won't get help, won't communicate, and won't even consider dialogue.

Instead, everything is not her fault, the world is against her, I'm unnatural for wanting sex.

 

[coacheric]

We went over a year without sex. Then this year we had it 4 times. YES, it’s a big deal. That was a long time ago now and now I can’t even touch her. I’m of course loosing my mind over the whole thing.

 

[newhere2learn]

We went over a year without sex. Then this year we had it 4 times. YES, it’s a big deal. That was a long time ago now and now I can’t even touch her. I’m of course loosing my mind over the whole thing.

4 times in a year? You lucky bastard. I'm 2 years into the sahara

 

[lickitandstickit]

My wife had a hysterectomy then hit menopause ( she's 52 now ) I mean thats what her doctor says, has all the other classic signs ( hot flashes ect ) , Her libido skyrocketed IMO, and they say dryness is accompanied with menopause, again a total opposite. While the physical part of a relationship isn't the only thing, it can be a relationship killer if compatibility isn't achieved between two people. At least IMO. I'm not sure how I would deal with that. I'm glad i never had too.. I'd feel the same as alot of these guys if I were them, love her to death but IDK somethings gotta give.

I mean I'd try to be creative and do some sort of sex role play of Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
Not in the mood sweety?
I'm gonna use one of my lifelines and phone a friend.. .

No seriously this is interesting stuff I read here. I really am being serious. I wish I had some answers to share that could help..22 some years with the same women and never had a problem with the physical side of things in the marriage / relationship. No I'm not some stud or prize or something like that, just you're average everyday dude.

I feel for people in a situation like these. I really do.

 

[ThirdShift]

My wife had a hysterectomy then hit menopause ( she's 52 now ) I mean thats what her doctor says, has all the other classic signs ( hot flashes ect ) , Her libido skyrocketed IMO, and they say dryness is accompanied with menopause, again a total opposite. While the physical part of a relationship isn't the only thing, it can be a relationship killer if compatibility isn't achieved between two people. At least IMO. I'm not sure how I would deal with that. I'm glad i never had too.. I'd feel the same as alot of these guys if I were them, love her to death but IDK somethings gotta give.

I mean I'd try to be creative and do some sort of sex role play of Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
Not in the mood sweety?
I'm gonna use one of my lifelines and phone a friend.. .

No seriously this is interesting stuff I read here. I really am being serious. I wish I had some answers to share that could help..22 some years with the same women and never had a problem with the physical side of things in the marriage / relationship. No I'm not some stud or prize or something like that, just you're average everyday dude.

I feel for people in a situation like these. I really do.

It's good to hear about menopause. I have been worried that it will be another libido killer.

 

[lickitandstickit]

It's good to hear about menopause. I have been worried that it will be another libido killer.

Well I think it depends on the woman , and not all are the same, I guess the women here can answer better about that than myself. I'm only reporting on a small sample size, my wife 1 woman..
I've heard my friends complain about no sex in marriage and stuff, I just figured it really wasn't her fault, its all the other shit they ( some of my friends lol ) did in the marriage and relationships that turned women off LOL..
The ones that dont complain, I figure its because they have nothing to complain about..

Maybe the women who went through menopause can weigh in ( I didn't read every single reply in this thread maybe that was brought up already )

 

[policywank]

I am not trying to be disparaging to men who want their wives to have the best possible experience. But if you truly, truly want that fulfill her desires than you must accept that an orgasm is not always what she wants. Obviously an orgasm is a good thing but it doesn't exist in isolation or get produced with a wave of your wand (pun intended).

If you strapped Tom Brady to a chair and forced him to cum rather than play out the 4th quarter of the last Super Bowl he likely would not view that as something he wanted even though the orgasm was good. He might just feel like foregoing the opportunity to mount the greatest comeback of all time and cement his status as the greatest quarterback of all time is just a smidge more important than a hand job. I know that is a ridiculous example but it is to illustrate the point that it is wrong to assume that "cumming every time" equates to fulfilling her desires.

I can say from experience that your last point is correct. When sex is regular and intimate it feels less important that it be ideal each time than when it is infrequent. But I have found that expecting it to be something specific every time is what makes it less casual and stress free. It becomes less appealing because I don't even want to start if I/he can't meet his expectations of glory. The raised expectations perpetuate a negative cycle. So maybe the man who says "I make her cum every time but she doesn't want to fuck very much" should put two and two together. It never was true that she would cum every time. And she never expected that. It was he who expected that and it was he whose behaviour turns it into a negative experience when it doesn't happen.

I don't think I can offer a guide as to how I communicate with a lover in every circumstance. Talking, laughing being intimate and completely willing to change course is partly verbal and partly body language. But no fear is a good starting place. No fear to say what you want and what you don't want. Beating around the bush is what gets awkward and insulting because we are trying to gloss over the truth and nobody is being fooled. There is nothing wrong with "You got me going now you better finish it" to keep a man going or "thanks sweets but let's watch Netflix" to let him he doesn't have to go into overtime. If he can't take those truths that is his problem.

I think that most of us want to be sensitive and considerate of our lover's needs and wants. I'm sure there's plenty of counter-examples of selfish lovers, but most people in this thread seem to care. I am certain that a lot of the "I make her cum every time" bravado might be ego, but for the sake of argument lets assume it's really about just wanting our spouse to have the best possible experience every time.

The trick seems to be figuring out what she might want from each encounter. I'd imagine that asking "Do you want to cum or should I just do my thing?" each time we have sex would be annoying, and certainly isn't spontaneous. The answer to that question might be different during foreplay and when she's gotten more warmed up than she might have expected. On the other hand, the times when I have cum first when she's well on her way and needs and wants more have their own frustration for her.

The only solution that I've found is to pay attention to how she's responding, but switching positions or slowing down to delay my impending orgasm can derail her arousal and is frustrating for her - and for a long time I think that if I asked "I'm getting close, should I wait?" she felt guilty about saying "yes, wait for me". I have no problem going down on her or finding other ways to make sure she has an orgasm if she wants one and I've already finished, but that has its own pressure for her. For many years she worried that she's taking too long, which kills the mood for her even if she does want an orgasm.

So, what's a "one and done" kind of guy to do? Setting aside ego, making sure that she cums first seems to be a pretty good strategy and I'll tell you I make sure that she cums first. Between the lines of course it's not that simple. Sex is so intimate and variable from time to time that our communication (non-verbal or otherwise) has to become good enough to not be awkward and still make sure that we each get whatever makes us happy each time. That's a wonderful goal, but not easy to achieve.

This may be off topic, but I am genuinely interested in how you communicate what you want to your partner each time, and how do you let them know if you suddenly find yourself either really wanting to go the distance when you hadn't expected to or suddenly realizing that you don't want or need to cum after having let them know that you want to?

I'm editing this to put this back into the context of this thread. When my wife and I are getting busy regularly, it's not so important if we stumble sexually during any given encounter because there's always tomorrow (or whenever the next time happens to be, which is probably sooner rather than later). When we were having sex once every few months, it was a completely different ballgame. Every time we had sex was about trying to light that spark that might make her want more.