Story Discussion: August 12, 2019. "A Locksmithing Emergency"

[PapaPalpatine]

Story here:

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-locksmithing-emergency

This one's a bit of a departure from what I usually write, it's more grounded in reality (no supernatural/paranormal elements in sight). I intended for Jake, Bob, and Sylvia to seem like people who could exist in our world without breaking reality (how successful I was in that, I'll let you be the judge).

It's first person perspective with Jake as our protagonist. His brother Bob gives him a call needing his talents as a locksmith after he and his wife have a bit of a mishap with a new toy they were trying out in the bedroom over the weekend.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Palpatine,

Your English skills are fine. Your story's pace made for an easy read. That opening phone call felt a bit clunky, but after that I thought your dialogue had a natural feel.

If your objective was to write a grounded and believable scene, you succeeded. Did you have any other goals?

When Sylvia mentions marrying the wrong brother, and then the lock tool breaks, I thought, "Cool, now we're getting somewhere." I was hoping the grandparents would pull into the drive early, with all manner of possibilities to follow. Instead Jake just gets another tool and finishes the job, and I was left thinking, "Well, okay-- so what?"

What seems to be missing is any real tension. I don't think forty-five minutes to spare was really the way to go.

On the subject of category, Sylvia and Bob may be engaging in some manner of bondage, but for Jake I think it's more like incidental voyeurism.

Did you consider telling your story from Sylvia's perspective?

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Kadyia]

I enjoyed your characters and the situation. You drew me in and kept me happily reading through the entire vignette. By this I mean, I continued to read the entire scene, because I was genuinely interested in your writing and what would happen. I may have learned a tiny bit about the locksmith profession, but I lack any ability to critique your writing of breaking though the chastity belt. I did cringe a bit when Jake pulled out the bolt cutters and my internal viewpoint immediately switched to Sylvia as I considered how I would react to that situation.

I don't want to come across as judgmental, because I genuinely enjoyed it all. But if I was going to make suggestions, I'd say focus on strengthening the hook, the introduction, your opening.

I have to laugh, because I was thinking of more concrete detail in terms of what Jake might have been watching on Netflix and I Googled shows a locksmith would watch on Netflix and came up with an Al Pacino movie called, Manglehorn that sounds interesting.

Seriously though, I'm going to have to check out more of your writing.

Kady

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Nice little story, IMO has a LOT of promise as a hook to build a longer, kinkier story off of if you so desire, but it's quite a nice read as is.

I liked that Bob's phonecall with Jake was awkward - that seems quite reasonable for Bob to be upset, concerned, and out of sorts. Jake, being a locksmith, probably has had other incidents of a similar nature he's had to deal with in the past - at least, you didn't write any flustration into the character's role.

The lack of an internal monologue from Jake beyond a certain minimum at the beginning of the story is the one thing I'd suggest changing, even if you don't extend it. What does Jake think about as things become clearer? Does his sister in law look attractive in her robe to him? Has he had much of an interaction with her before, and what was it - teasing, cold, sexlessly friendly, dutiful-wife, lots of good options depending on what you wish to do. Does he envision larger challenges than the tools in his backpack can reasonably cover before he leaves home, and if so what else does he drag along?

Note that, IMO at least, not going thru the backpack and listing all the tools in it is the right thing to do in this case! Pros will quibble about this-or-that tool being present or missing, and non-pros will be bored with extraneous drivel. That being said -

Another option - Putting a little excess info in that the audience can misconstrue in entertaining ways can be a useful literary device. How'd you feel if you'd mentioned Jake picking up an oxyacetylene torch 'just in case' on the way out the door - it'd pop up in the reader's mind once the hook tip broke as a possible solution, no matter how awkward that might actually be. There are ways to use a torch in that kind of circumstance IRL, but it'd not be the easiest fallback - the bolt cutters are a better fallback solution. Even then, fairly short bolt cutters that fit in a smallish backpack might be a little of an effort to use even with a lightweight, unhardened shackle.

All IMO - I'm no locksmith, but I have played around picking locks more'n a little.

Thanks for sharing the link - I enjoyed the story.

 

[FilthyFantasy]

Some tips.

I don't write from a first person perspective personally but there are plenty of successful books written in that manner so I won't tell you to stop doing it. I'm a bit unused to texts written that way though but I'll do my best to give you some tips and pointers.

I would rewrite this sentence for example;

"Hi Jake, it's Bob." It was my brother, who lived out in the suburbs. But why was he calling me on the work phone?

Into something more like this;

"Hi Jake, it's Bob." a male voice said.

I recognized his voice immediately, it was my brother; he lived out in the suburbs. But why on earth was he calling me on the work phone? He had my private number.

You know something a little bit more descriptive, to give readers more of an environmental feel instead of just the bare bones, especially at the beginning of your story.

It's also a good idea to clear a line between one characters words and another's thoughts. Part of the problem with the aforementioned line for example is that Bob's word's and Jake's thoughts are on the same line. Seperate them, and the text flows better.

Cheers, hope I was to some small help!