Feedback for the category of a specific "mean femdom" story: BDSM, NC/R, Fetish?

[WeShallUnclench]

This is not about getting in-depth feedback for the story itself (it is currently my lowest rated one) but it would be great if you could just scan it real quick and help me with a suggestion for how it should best be categorized (it's only one page long).

The summary is this:
Two women who are a loving couple in a country that has made same-sex marriage illegal have resorted to a ruse:
The protagonist has married the other woman's twin brother so they can simulate what their government thinks of as a "model household".
In reality, of course, the twin brother is really just a bit of a punching bag, and a living sperm bank for their family planning.
So far, they have only attempted in-vitro fertilization. But it's not working, and our protagonist decides to go behind her partner's back and actually have sex with the boy, to see if that yields better results.
She is handling the boy with a combination of intimidation and physical punishment. His participation (both in the fake marriage and this specific sexual encounter) is based on a mix of genuine desire, admiration, loyalty and fear.

Link to the story:
https://literotica.com/s/tormenting-him-so-gingerly

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Yeah, I don't think it fits the BDSM category that well... Talking from the pure category standpoint, Fetish seems like a better choice, considering the mix of themes in the story.
Since you asked this specific question, does that mean that you are considering taking it down and reuploading it into a better-fitting category? If so, I suggest doing some more work on the story. Just a thought.

 

[WeShallUnclench]

Yeah, I don't think it fits the BDSM category that well... Talking from the pure category standpoint, Fetish seems like a better choice, considering the mix of themes in the story.
Since you asked this specific question, does that mean that you are considering taking it down and reuploading it into a better-fitting category? If so, I suggest doing some more work on the story. Just a thought.

Someone in another thread suggested "Rating can be arbitrary but if a rating falls below 3.5 there is usually a reason". So that makes me reconsider keeping the story up in its current form. (Unlike my second lowest story, which I like to believe got downrated for the very reasons I find it personally hilarious.)

With this one I considered "category" to be the biggest issue, but either way I would not reupload it without giving it another read and at least a moderate rewrite as well.

I know I specifically only asked about category, but your reply suggests you spotted other things regardless. So of course I cannot repress a follow-up question. Are you more talking about things like grammar, writing style, characters, the way the different scenes are put together, plausibility, etc.?

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Well, for starters it has a lot of themes mixed together, which is a bit unusual for a short story like yours. You have elements of BDSM, of a lesbian relationship, Taboo, Non-con, Breeding, and even an element of Loving Wives in your story as Ginger is doing this behind her true spouse's back. It might be too much for a short story, but either way, Fetish fits best in this case.

I've seen no grammar issues with the story but I do see some things that aren't working well, in my opinion.
These short stories are mostly about capturing one moment, one scene, or one encounter in a vivid way, and letting the readers enjoy it. In such stories, the exposition is minimal. The exposition is the part of the story where you describe the setting of the story, the characters, their initial relationships, and so on. (Sorry if this comes off as patronizing. You are relatively new so I want to make sure you understand what I mean)

When I say that the exposition is usually minimal, I mean that you provide some information about the characters and the setting but not too much, not in a story of this size. You need to let readers fill in the blanks with their own imagination. You had too much of the exposition in this case, but the problem is not in the amount so much as it is about the placement. You often break the flow of your central scene with exposition, explaining the relationship between Ginger and Barbara in the middle of the sex scene, with flashbacks from college, and so on. It all makes the scene that should have been the focus of the story relatively weak. You aren't letting the reader immerse themselves in the central scene of the story.

I swear, the first time I read your story, when Ginger came, I wasn't even aware they were still at it. The scene also lacks sexuality, no offense. In my opinion, you should make it more sensual, with some inner thoughts, moans of arousal, building up the arousal and the orgasm, instead of just saying the boy came or Ginger came in one declarative sentence. Simply put, the scene isn't hot, not from my perspective at least, and I am a guy who likes femdom

You write good dialog. Your sentences have a nice style to them. You just didn't construct the story that well. You have an interesting story idea and you have good dialog and sentences, you just didn't put them all together in the best way. Also, adding some more passion to the sex scene would probably make the story better. To sum it up, I think you have what it takes to write successfully here, you just need some more honest feedback to help you correct the things that aren't working well.

Please keep in mind that this is my opinion only. I try to be honest about these things but it is still my opinion only.

 

[WeShallUnclench]

Well, for starters it has a lot of themes mixed together, which is a bit unusual for a short story like yours. You have elements of BDSM, of a lesbian relationship, Taboo, Non-con, Breeding, and even an element of Loving Wives in your story as Ginger is doing this behind her true spouse's back. It might be too much for a short story, but either way, Fetish fits best in this case.

I've seen no grammar issues with the story but I do see some things that aren't working well, in my opinion.
These short stories are mostly about capturing one moment, one scene, or one encounter in a vivid way, and letting the readers enjoy it. In such stories, the exposition is minimal. The exposition is the part of the story where you describe the setting of the story, the characters, their initial relationships, and so on. (Sorry if this comes off as patronizing. You are relatively new so I want to make sure you understand what I mean)

When I say that the exposition is usually minimal, I mean that you provide some information about the characters and the setting but not too much, not in a story of this size. You need to let readers fill in the blanks with their own imagination. You had too much of the exposition in this case, but the problem is not in the amount so much as it is about the placement. You often break the flow of your central scene with exposition, explaining the relationship between Ginger and Barbara in the middle of the sex scene, with flashbacks from college, and so on. It all makes the scene that should have been the focus of the story relatively weak. You aren't letting the reader immerse themselves in the central scene of the story.

I swear, the first time I read your story, when Ginger came, I wasn't even aware they were still at it. The scene also lacks sexuality, no offense. In my opinion, you should make it more sensual, with some inner thoughts, moans of arousal, building up the arousal and the orgasm, instead of just saying the boy came or Ginger came in one declarative sentence. Simply put, the scene isn't hot, not from my perspective at least, and I am a guy who likes femdom

You write good dialog. Your sentences have a nice style to them. You just didn't construct the story that well. You have an interesting story idea and you have good dialog and sentences, you just didn't put them all together in the best way. Also, adding some more passion to the sex scene would probably make the story better. To sum it up, I think you have what it takes to write successfully here, you just need some more honest feedback to help you correct the things that aren't working well.

Please keep in mind that this is my opinion only. I try to be honest about these things but it is still my opinion only.

No this is very helpful actually, thank you.

Personally I am not a big fan of exposition in general so it's always a question of where to put it if at all. In this case I felt the relationship of the characters was relatively complex and thus required some context, but I see what you mean with the placement.

This was also supposed to be part of a series, so maybe the key is to have previous entries that weave that sort of thing in more organically, and build from there.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

This story has a lot going on. For such a short entry, it is jam packed with themes (some of which may seem contradictory, depending on your viewpoint). That alone isn't terrible, but it does mean that it's unlikely to score high, even if it was perfectly written.

Now, I didn't vote on the story, because I knew going in that I wasn't going to like some of the themes. But let's imagine that I, the average reader, give full stars for every primary kink I like, and I deduct a single star for things I hate:

Femdom
NC/R
Taboo
Cheating
Breeding

That would be a maximum of 4/5. If I only disliked one more, the score would be 3/5. See what I mean?

Let's also look at the fact that NC/R and Femdom are often mutually exclusive kinks with certain crowds (as someone who writes Femdom NC/R, I should know lol)

I've mentioned before that male NC/R fans tend to love the idea of taking control, and they often despise the idea of a woman lording it over them.

Also... This story doesn't feature any of what I would normally consider BDSM. She pinned him down, but that isn't really bondage. She punched him, but that isn't really S&M. So I imagine the BDSM crowd wasn't super fond of that, and I've been told that BDSM fans often hate NC/R. (I don't write BDSM, so I have no personal knowledge if that's true).

If I have to give you full marks on one thing, it's the fact that you properly tagged all of the included kinks. That is incredibly important, and it helps warn away people who hate certain things in their erotica.

If I was an average reader, and I stumbled across this story on my own, I never would have read it, because "Cheating" was listed. A+ on that. That's huge advice that I give starting out authors, but you've already got that down pat. Good job.

I agree with @AwkwardlySet that the dialogue is good, and that the spicy scenes probably need a bit more detail.

Good luck going forward.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

This was also supposed to be part of a series, so maybe the key is to have previous entries that weave that sort of thing in more organically, and build from there.

This makes a lot of sense to me. I believe your idea is an interesting one and I believe it deserves more space to flourish. If I were you, I would take down this story and rework it so it focuses on the central scene, with just some hints about the nature of their relationship and the setting of the story. Let the readers enjoy the scene and keep them guessing about the relationship to hook them in for future chapters. You could then gradually introduce more information and expand the dynamics between your characters in the following chapters. I would publish it in Fetish as "Tormenting Him So Gingerly Ch. 01"
Once again, just an idea. Good luck!

 

[WeShallUnclench]

Thank you both for the great feedback, by the way!

One other thing here since you brought it up is with the "sexiness" of the scene. The thing is, perhaps a bit awkward on a forum about sex stories, it wasn't really meant to be especially sexy. As in, the protagonist is really just using the guy, for a specific purpose. It's not a thing of mutual pleasure. In fact, she herself doesn't want to feel pleasure. The whole "point" is really just about the power dynamics at play.

But based on your feedback, when or if I rework the story, a big part will have to be to make the scene more interesting. Not necessarily more "sexy", but bringing out the conflicting emotions more. Ideally, an edge of "this is fun even though she is trying very hard to tell herself that she is holding her nose and this is just a means to an end". Since the boy is not the pov character, it'll be a bit harder to bring his own conflicted feelings across, but I'll try to do that as well.
If anything, it must be more awkward, but in a way that reveals something about the characters and their (conflicting) feelings and motivations.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Thank you both for the great feedback, by the way!

One other thing here since you brought it up is with the "sexiness" of the scene. The thing is, perhaps a bit awkward on a forum about sex stories, it wasn't really meant to be especially sexy. As in, the protagonist is really just using the guy, for a specific purpose. It's not a thing of mutual pleasure. In fact, she herself doesn't want to feel pleasure. The whole "point" is really just about the power dynamics at play.

But based on your feedback, when or if I rework the story, a big part will have to be to make the scene more interesting. Not necessarily more "sexy", but bringing out the conflicting emotions more. Ideally, an edge of "this is fun even though she is trying very hard to tell herself that she is holding her nose and this is just a means to an end". Since the boy is not the pov character, it'll be a bit harder to bring his own conflicted feelings across, but I'll try to do that as well.
If anything, it must be more awkward, but in a way that reveals something about the characters and their (conflicting) feelings and motivations.

It doesn't "have to be" anything, really. That is all up to you. I am just saying that since you are having a sexual scene, readers are expecting it to be erotic. I mean, Ginger did come, didn't she?
You could show that the boy is aroused by being dominated and abused and that Ginger is just reveling in the power she has over him, and you could present that as the source of her own arousal. If she wasn't aroused at all by the act, then her insisting that he "finishes the job" with his fingers, after she has already achieved her goal - the potential impregnation, doesn't make much sense, does it?